Our First Cruise on HAL (on the Noordam)...and Quite Frankly, Once was Enough

[SailorJack]

Day 1 – Fort Lauderdale

This will be our first cruise on Holland America and, to be perfectly honest with you, we are really not quite sure about what to expect. For one thing, Holland America ships have really funny names. Maybe “funny” is the wrong word…”strange” may be more apropos. The name of the ship that we are booked on is the “Noordam.” This is not a word one uses everyday and you can’t find the word in any dictionary, but as best as I can figure, it is a Dutch word that is sort of idiomatic for “unsociable”…as in “it’s none of Noordam business.” Another unusual name that we have heard about on HAL is something called a “Hunky Dory” – of which we have no idea - except that it may be Dutch for “Lifeboat.” Obviously, sailing on a HAL ship will pose a language challenge, but as long as the menus have English translations we think we will be OK. Why did we select HAL? Based on the ports we wanted to visit and the timing, it was either the Noordam or the Oasis of the Seas. In the end, we liked the size of the Noordam…as opposed to the Oasis, which will be so big that it will probably be applying for statehood.

We were also a little curious about the people who regularly cruised on HAL ships, but more on that later.

Day 1 – Ft. Lauderdale

Our boarding process was delayed by about at hour as the crew had to do a deep cleaning as a result of a virus outbreak on the previous cruise, and, in turn, the deep cleaning process was held up as most of the crew that was to do the cleaning was being held at customs and immigration. Not an auspicious start, but the Noordam crew handled the delay very professionally and we were safely tucked away in our stateroom by 12:30.

Our stateroom had a delightful balcony that was on the starboard side of the ship and afforded us a bird’s eye view of the magnificent intercoastal waterway – which was alive with boats, personal watercraft, and yachts of every size and make – all cruising up and down the waterway on a glorious see and be seen Sunday afternoon. So as SailorJill stowed our gear, I made a tall rum and coke and adjourned to the balcony to enjoy the maritime parade.

I would like to think that HAL arranged the girl just for me, but I think I was just plain lucky – you know, being in the right place at the right time. I actually heard her boat coming before I could see it – with the strong, sensual salsa beat rising up from the water below. Then the boat emerged from the shadows and slowly sailed past our stateroom – and there she was. She was twenty-something, tanned with long blonde hair, and she was wearing a tiny red string bikini. And her legs – well, lets just say they reached all the way down to the ground (or the deck, in this case). She was holding onto one of the aluminum poles that supported the boat’s canopy and she was doing the most suggestive and exotic pole dance that I have ever witnessed. Well not actually “witnessed”, more like “heard about” – at least that is how I explained it all to SailorJill. Quite frankly, up until this moment in time I never knew that hips could actually move like that.

It may have been my imagination, but I sensed that the Noordam actually listed a few degrees to starboard as people gathered to watch the boat drift by. As I later mentioned to SailorJill, one can only imagine how mortified that poor girl would have been had she known that her private dance had been inadvertently witnessed by the crew and passengers of the Noordam, the Westerdam, and Carnival’s Victory!

In retrospect, I may have described the dance a little to vividly to SailorJill, because when I suggested that pole dance classes might be a fun way for her to exercise and drop a few pounds, I found myself unpacking my own bags while she sat on the balcony with a rum and coke. I’m sure that the few times she whooped and hollered at the brazen, steroid gulping, muscle-bound, exhibitionist, Speedo clad playboys sailing by was all in fun and had nothing to do with payback.

Later, after the dreaded and obligatory lifeboat drill, we went up to deck 10 and stumbled across a cruise critic group that was conducting something called a “Banner Wave.” The event, which was entirely new to us, was organized by a delightful lady I shall (to protect the innocent) refer to as “Lynda.” The objective was to unfurl a banner as we passed by a shore based webcam and shout tidings of great joy. At the appointed time, “Lynda” thrust a large plastic banner into our hands and instructed us to unfurl it and hang it over the side of the ship.

At first this seemed rather innocuous and we dangled the banner over the railing as instructed and waved wildly at the camera. Then, in one of those life-altering moments, a priest – a man of the cloth – walked up to us and inquired as to what message was on the sign. SailorJill and I stared at each other blankly. In our excitement to be a part of what we innocently assumed to be a hallowed HAL tradition neither one of us had taken the time to actually read the banner. I turned to ask “Lynda” about the banner, but she had apparently moved far enough down the side of the ship so as to maintain plausible deniability. I had no answer for the priest!

“My God,” I thought. What if the sign says something like “The Devil wears Prada,” or “For a real good time, call 1-800-Hot Babe,” or “Free the Guantanamo 200” – or worse! It was at that moment that someone mentioned that this being a major international seaport, perhaps the camera had facial recognition software.

“You’ve got to be kidding,” I said.
“You have nothing to worry about unless you are wanted for a serious felony” he responded.
“Define serious felony!”

I could only hope that “serious felony” did not include taking one of the ship’s shower curtains, writing some possibly scurrilous message on it and dangling it over the side of the ship in the middle of an active international waterway – because apparently that is exactly what we were doing. I couldn’t even drop the damning thing into the ocean as a sign on the railing clearly stated, “Throwing things overboard is strictly prohibited.” So there we stood – staring stupidly into a live webshot and holding onto what undoubtedly would come to be known as “peoples exhibit number one, your honor.” I just knew that when we returned to Florida Horatio Cain and whole CSI team would be there waiting to seize the banner, which by now was covered with my fingerprints, DNA, clothing fibers – and for all I knew, GSR.

As I stood there in the gathering darkness wondering how I get into these situations, the Noordam, like a receding evening ebb tide, slowly slipped out of the harbor and into the welcoming embrace of the warm Caribbean.

Eager to enjoy what few remaining days of freedom we may still have, we return the banner (still unread) to “Lynda” and return to our stateroom to prepare for dinner. One of the little idiosyncrasies we had discovered in our stateroom was the fact that our toilette suffered from Anti-flush Syndrome. When one pushed the button nothing happened. After each use, SailorJill would call the front desk, who in turn would call Engineering, who in turn would send up an Engineer to our hallway, who in turn would remove a plate in the wall and turn a small valve – and, in turn, we would be rewarded with a welcome swooosh.

As we were dressing for dinner, SailorJill said it was my turn to call. I started to object, but thought better of it and picked up the phone.

“Hello, this is room 1133.”
“You’ve used the toilette again!”
“I’m sorry.”
“We are working on the problem sir, and Engineering has suggested a possible solution until the problem can be fixed. They will send a technician up to your room at 8:00 AM, 1:00 PM and 8:00 PM. If you can time your use of the toilette for those times you won’t have to make anymore of these calls. This has happened before and they call this their “No rush to flush” program.”

However, I am happy to report that the problem was fixed later that night and we never had to implement “no rush to flush.” Which was just as well, as I didn’t have the nerve to explain it to SailorJill face-to-face. I had planned on going up to the Ocean Bar and explain it to her over the phone.

The other concern SailorJill had about our stateroom was the fact that it was directly opposite the elevators – fearing that the operation of the elevators would keep her awake. But as we returned from dinner and the show later that night we found that concern to be completely unfounded. The music from the Disco completely drowned out the noise from the elevators.

So our first exciting day ended not with a bang (although that may have been preferable), but to the strains of “Give Up the Funk (Tear the Roof Off the Sucker (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UypeE3zTwBs))” by Parliament.

Day 2 – Cruising the Caribbean

This is our first of three sea days that we will have on this cruise and, as there was not a cloud in the sky, SailorJill and I decide to spend a few hours before lunch working on our tans. As we were relaxing poolside, I was somewhat startled to realize that there must be an Ashram somewhere on the Noordam when I noticed a man and a woman wearing flowing white robes walk by and select two chaise lounges just in front of us. Without looking up from her book (Blood and Ice by Robert Masello, if you must know), SailorJill said, “There is no Ashram, Jack. Those are bathrobes provided by the ship.” OK, but who in their right mind walks around in public wearing a bathrobe? At first I thought they must be from Alabama, but then I noticed that they both had shoes and were carrying books (and on reflection, if they were from Alabama they would have probably been wearing their Snuggies). Well then, they must be French. I held my breath as they laid out their things on the chaise and took off their robes… but they were both wearing bathing suits. Ok, they weren’t French.

After adjusting their chaises, putting on their oversized sunglasses, and applying the appropriate amount of lotion, the lady turned to the gentleman and said:

“Biff, the sun is on the wrong side of the ship,”
“Clarise, darling, these were the only available chaises.”
“Well, Biff darling, I’m sure someone over there would be happy to trade with us.”
“I already asked several people to move and they wouldn’t do it”
“Well, then, have Bentley call the Captain. Tell him to turn the ship or something. This certainly will not do! I want to be in the sun.”
“Bentley is not with us on this trip. Remember, you let him go because he couldn’t get customer service to move out the couple who had reserved the Penthouse Suite so we could have it.”

Ok, mystery solved…they were from California.

As much as we are enjoying the ambiance around the pool, our Meet and Greet is scheduled for 12:00 o’clock, so we retire to our stateroom to shower and change. I’m wearing my new HAL polo shirt, khaki shorts and Sperry topsiders. SailorJill is wearing her hair down to her waist, a jeweled headband, a see-through veil, a beaded low-cut sequined bra, a hip hugging floor length organza skirt slit up to the hip on both sides, a tiny silver bell navel piercing, and jingly anklets and toe rings on her bare feet. Oops, sorry, that’s actually my newest screen saver. SailorJill is wearing shorts, sandals, and her “ My Daughter Married an Idiot” t-shirt – a gift from her mother on the occasion of our third wedding anniversary.

Needless to say, the meet and greet came as a complete surprise. Based on the people we met, Holland America Lines (HAL) cruisers are, well, lets be totally honest here… they aren’t your typical cruisers. Based on (now erroneous) previous perceptions, I had expected to find a sedate crowd; satisfied to sit on deck in their teak lounge chaises, wrapped in warm, wool blankets, and reading well worn, leather bound copies of Agatha Christie. What I actually found was an eclectic group of rather dynamic people who refer to themselves as HALraisers (some of whom, I suspect, were no strangers to HALucinogenics).


We found that HAL passengers are also well traveled and quite worldly in their outlook, but I also couldn’t help but notice that they appear to be both somewhat frugal and pious. A great number of them purchase guarantee cabins and then spend the ensuing months lighting candles and praying furiously to Saint Randomdam - the fickle patron saint of upgrades – for a bump to a higher category of stateroom. I don’t understand why otherwise rational people would do something this silly. (Quite frankly, for the amount of
money SailorJill and I spent on candles we probably could have just gone ahead and booked a suite – and maybe even saved a few bucks.)

We even met one couple that had prayed especially hard for an upgrade because their guarantee cabin was at the back end of the boat and they were concerned about noise keeping them up at night. “ I think the azipods are directly underneath our cabin,” they surmised. As I was completely unaware of what an azipod was, the best I could do was commiserate with them and express my hope that their situation would improve. Like us, they probably didn’t use the right kind of candles (we have since learned that scented ones work best).

Later, after dinner, we made our way up to the Vista Lounge to catch a production by the Noordam Singers and Dancers entitled “If Walls Could Rock.” While I don’t think I have ever written about a ship’s entertainment before, I would be remiss if I didn’t comment on this evening’s show.

The production had a romantic storyline, the singing and vocals were way above average, the set designs were both innovative and imaginative, costumes were colorful and sassy, and the choreography was quite simply outstanding – bold and energetic. When all of this was put together the result was simply the best stage production I have seen on a cruise ship.

It was a perfect ending to our second day and we retired to our stateroom and eventually fell asleep to the driving beat of “Funky Town (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M8J6GXL7IKI)” by Lipps, Inc., which were drifting down from the Disco.

Day 3 – Still Cruising the Caribbean

One of the incentives my travel agent offered when I booked this cruise was a HAL coupon book. I have received these from other cruise lines and have never found one that I could actually use. They usually require that you spend a lot of money to get some small benefit like “Buy 20 drinks on a Sea Day and the 21st drink is half price!” But, in looking through the HAL coupon book, I was thunderstruck with what I had been missing all these years by cruising with other cruise lines. There, in the middle of what has to be the greatest coupon book in the world, was a coupon good for (be still my beating heart) a “Free Spanking with SeaSalt Body Rub”. As this was a sea day with no port call, and as I was in good need of a, ah, SeaSalt body rub, I clipped the coupon and presented it to the lady in the Spa. Not only was she cute, but she was wearing a uniform – not leather – but still a uniform! Cruising doesn’t get much better than this! Although this is my first HAL cruise, I figure that if I cash in my IRA I could have my 50-day pin by Christmas.

You can imagine, then, my profound dismay when it was pointed out that the coupon did not say “Free Spanking”, but “Free Spankie” – which is a type of ladies control top athletic short. As the entire Spa staff was now staring at me in various stages of disbelief, I felt a desperate need for a strategic retreat and a cold beer more than a body rub, so I mumbled something about remembering another appointment and headed for the Pinnacle Bar – where SailorJill expected to find me in the first place. I don’t know how I get myself into these situations, but add the Noordam Spa to the list of public rooms (along with the gallery shop on the Jewel of the Seas and the Disco on the Dream) in which discretion will keep me from ever entering again. Oh, well, I’m sure lots of other cruisers have found themselves in similar contretemps.

Day 4 – Philipsburg, St. Maarten

This is our first port-of-call and the day is glorious. Going ashore we find a tour guide and for $20 take a 3-hour tour of the island. St. Maartin is reminiscent of a Tale of Two Cities – or, in this case, a tale of two countries. The Dutch side of this island is bustling with new development and is the economic engine of the island. The French side, however, has a quiet malaise to it. On the surface it seemed alive with tourists, but walk a few blocks from the tourist district in Marigot (the capitol of the French side) and there are signs of deterioration everywhere.

The dichotomy of all of this was exemplified by our visit to the fabulous Orient Beach. Signs of great wealth were manifested by the fleets of expensive jet boats skimming across the turquoise waters, the laugher from people floating high above the water in parasails, and the rows of opulent condos lining the hills surrounding the beach.

On the other hand, signs of desperate poverty were amply illustrated by the number of girls on the beach who obviously could not even afford to buy both pieces of their bikinis. One can almost picture these poor girls taking what little money they had managed to scrape together and going to the bikini store just to find out that they could only afford the bottom half and that the top half would have to be put on lay-a-way!

I knew I was getting overly worked up over the injustice of it all when SailorJill said, “Jack, we are on the FRENCH side of the island.” I was on the verge of saying, “And your point is…?” when it dawned on me what she had just implied. These girls were deliberately not wearing the top part of their bikini! As I viewed the scene (from behind a nice pair of dark sunglasses) I could see that they were actually quite at ease with no covering over their, ah, pitons, and were not poor at all!

Maybe the French side was not that bad off after all.

After our tour we went back to Phillipsburg to relax and have a cold beverage before returning to the ship. As we walked down the boardwalk, a slow smile spread across SailorJill’s face as we passed Mama Chang’s Bamboo Bar. “No!” I said, “Absolutely not!” Not six months ago we had visited this establishment and the results had not been pretty.

On our Transatlantic cruise on the Vision of the Seas we had stopped in Philipsburg and while walking along the boardwalk had spotted Mama Chang’s sign advertising “Carib and Red Stripe Beer – 99¢.” But because of a previous misunderstanding with the manager of the Green Iguana (just down the boardwalk), I was going to check with Mama Chang on pricing before committing myself – which led to the following exchange:

“How much for a Carib beer, please”?
“Two dollah.”
“But your sign says 99 cents.”
“That outside price. In here, two dallah.”
“You mean if I step back onto the deck and place an order it’s 99 cents”?
“That right.”

Well that was a no-brainer. I took two steps backward and ordered two Carib’s - and a glass for SailorJill.

“No glass! You buy beer for 99 cent and expect me to pay someone to wash glass? No glass!”
“I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking.”
“You bet you no think. You too cheap to bring nice lady into bah and pay two dallah for beer in glass! Say, what you name”?

Before I could stop myself, I had blurted out the awful truth.

“Hah! I knew it! You Scottish! I bet you have first dallah you ever make. How nice lady get you to buy cruise”? Then answering her own question she yells, “Hah, you so cheap you prob’ly buy Guarantee cruise! You some cheap guy – no deserve nice lady.”

Not only could I not believe that this was happening, but there is no way I was going to come out of that looking good. Grabbing SailorJill’s hand we turned to flee, but found our way blocked by a street merchant who wanted to sell me a T-shirt that read “St. Maarten – the Friendly Island.”

Now, only six months later, SailorJill wants me to once again face Mama Chang. “Come on Jack, it will be fun to have a beer inside this time, besides, after six months nobody will remember us.” (In mystery novels this is known as “foreshadowing” – when the author hints at something terrible that will happen later in the book.)

Bowing to the inevitable, I escort SailorJill to a table inside Mama Chang’s Bamboo Bar. As we take a seat Mama Chang comes over to take our order. Peering at me over the top of her black horn-rimmed glasses, she asks, “What you want”? Casually glancing up, I speak to Mama Chang: “Two Carib’s, please.”

“You win lottery or maybe rob bank”?
“Huh”? I had a dreadful premonition about this.
“You got extra dollah this time to get nice lady beer in glass”?
“You remember me!” This just can’t be happening. I mean, it has been six months since we were last here! By now, the bar’s other patrons were turning to look. I think it was the “rob bank” that got their attention. I recognize several people from the ship and give them my best carefree wave.
“Hah! Remember nice lady who had to sit in hot sun to drink 99-cent beer out of can - you… you easy guy to forget.”

Before I could think of an appropriate response (or crawl under the table), Mama Chang broke out in a broad smile. “Hah! You leave big tip and next time I forget I ever see you.”

While I have no intention of ever coming back here again, I leave a HUGE tip – as a precaution.

Day 5 – Castries, St. Lucia

Early Morning

I have always been an early riser and for exercise I like to walk – a lot. I am usually on the walking track around 4:00 AM and walk till 7:00 – when SailorJill comes up on deck and we go for breakfast. It is a great time to walk – it is quiet, you have the entire deck to yourself and you can watch the ship wake up – first the security officers making their rounds, followed by the maintenance crew arriving to clean the pool and decks, then the first early risers hurrying to get that first cup of coffee, and then the early bird walkers coming up to greet the first rays of the warm morning sun.

I wouldn’t exactly say that I was a competitive walker, but I do take it rather personally when someone tries to pass me – which is why I kept a watchful eye out each morning around 5:15 for “Chinese Guy.” Deck 10 was mine from 4:00 to 5:00 and he obviously respected that – coming up on deck each day a little after 5:00.

He was of short physical stature, but in really great shape! He could do three laps to my two and his appearance each morning turned the deck into a scene from the Pit and Pendulum – where each swing around the deck brought him closer and closer to passing me. And every time he passed I had to fight the urge to stick my foot out and trip the guy.

Only my good sportsmanship and sense of fair play (and the presence of witnesses) held me back. There was little I could do but bear the ignominy of being repeatedly passed. But today, as I was completing my second lap around the deck, I looked up and my eyes sort of glazed over - as out of a red hazy mist stepped…Chinese Guy! It was 4:15 and he was breaking our unspoken covenant. I had to accept the challenge. As I pondered my strategy I heard his voice for the first time, “I follow in your footsteps,” he said. It took a second, but I realized that what he was trying to say was “I walk with you.” He was obviously making an effort to walk a little slower so, in the spirit of compromise, I made an effort to walk a little faster – whereupon he would speed up a little, forcing me to walk even faster.

This went on for a little over two interminable hours as he slowly ground me down – step by agonizing step. But, remarkably, despite some language challenges, we bonded during those two hours, exchanged e-mail addresses, and agreed to do some tours together. He actually turned out to be a nice guy, and by the end of the cruise he and his wife had become family friends!

But after two hours I was about to admit that he had won. I no longer had any feeling below my knees and the only way I knew my feet were still there was the fact that I was standing – more or less – somewhat upright. It was at that point that Chen said he had to go, but would see me tomorrow. (In mystery novels this is known as “foreshadowing” – when the author hints at something terrible that will happen later in the book.)

As I still had a half-hour to go, I continued to slowly stagger around the walking track – until I heard a faint clop…clop…clop. It was eerily similar to Poe’s tintinnabulation of the bells, bells, bells, and it was getting louder - CLOP…CLOP…CLOP. I turned to look behind me and was horrified to realize that I was about to be passed by a little old lady using a three-legged walker. I could just sit down and cry!

Day 5 (con’t) Ashore in Castries

This is our first visit to St. Lucia and we have been looking forward to visiting this island.
On our tour we discover a delightful island that is lush, green, and beautiful, and we are most impressed by the justifiably famous geographical landmark on St. Lucia - the Pitons – two closely set conical mountains that most closely resemble a very impressive pair of… ah, that is to say they look like a big set of, ah…well they appear to be two huge, ah … Look, just picture Madonna lying on her back during her “Blonde Ambition” days and you’ll get the idea. As we admire these stunning, ah, landmarks, I can’t help but wonder what Christopher Columbus, who had a tendency to name islands after female attributes (Virgin Gorda), would have named St. Lucia if he had sailed by.

It seemed almost fitting (almost) that our bedtime serenade from the Disco this evening was “You Sexy Thing (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C61olIkvoks)” by Hot Chocolate.

Day 6 - Bridgetown, Barbados

In Barbados I suggested to SailorJill that we rent a Hobie and try our hand at sailing. She was a little nervous about trying as we had never sailed before…but how hard can it be. I mean, you raise the sail, sit in the back of the boat with that little wooden rudder thing and twist it in the direction you want to turn – after all, I pointed out, I am “Sailor” Jack. As this did not appear to calm her, I agreed to her suggestion that we at least ask for a little instruction before we take it out.

At the boat rental place, the rental agent, upon hearing that we were new at sailing, said a Hobie might be a little too much boat for us at this time and suggested that we try a little 14-foot daysailer instead. “Great,” I said, “I’m sure I can handle it, but SailorJill here would sure appreciate it if you could you give her a few pointers.”

“Sure thing – it is really quite simple. When you’re off the beach, turn the bow into the wind, pull the halyard to raise the sheet until the luff is tight and tie it off on the clam cleat. Then port your helm until you are heeling and keep the wind to the whether side until you are out of the marina. Once out in open water, run with a broad reach and when returning simply keep it close hauled. When tacking, watch the boom on your jibes and if the wind picks up simply reef the boat. If you start to heel more than 20 degrees, just break the main until you recover. Its so easy a caveman can do it!”

After considering his comments for a moment, I turned to SailorJill and said, “Perhaps you would be more comfortable going to the rum factory”?

So off to the rum factory it was, which actually turned out to be rather fun. One of the features of the tour was the ability to smell the rum at each of its distilling steps. Of course, the warning not to inhale too deeply was widely disregarded by all and, as a result, most of us were feeling really, really good before we ever reached the tasting room. The tour we signed up for was the “Cocktail Tour” which was the same as the regular tour - until the tours reached the tasting room. After we tasted a sampling of rums the amateurs on the regular tour were escorted out of the room and the remaining patrons turned to the serious business of making rum cocktails.

Under the supervision of a trained mixologist, couples were to compete to make the best (and strongest) cocktails using any one of the rums on display - and then we were to all try each cocktail and vote for the winner – upon which prizes would be awarded. At least that was what was supposed to happen. Whether it actually happened or not I haven’t a clue, as I have only a limited recollection of events after drinking the first cocktail, the Funky Monkey – a 74 proof cocktail. I assume I had a really good time because on the way back to the ship I noticed that my t-shirt was on backwards and I had a fuzzy stuffed monkey hanging around my neck. Upon repeated questioning, SailorJill would only smile and grip her camera a little tighter.

Day 7 – Fort-de-France, Martinique

Dinner

One of the benefits of taking a cruise is the opportunity to sample and experiment with unfamiliar cuisines. And the variety of menu items (and the quality as well!) on the Noordam certainly provided such moments. At dinner tonight I ordered something called “calamari” and found it to have a most unusual, but intriguing, texture. Dorothea (one of our tablemates from Vermont) took quick (and perverse) delight in telling me that calamari was actually squid! Thurston (no relation to Howell), who was a biology professor at Yale, and perhaps sensing some queasiness on my part, explained that calamari was a delicacy enjoyed among many Caribbean and Mediterranean cultures. “ It is a member of the cephalopod family – along with cuttlefish and octopus. And, based on my previous sailings on HAL, I think you will have the opportunity to sample a variety of all three dishes before the cruise is over. Unless I miss my bet,” he said, “the ship has an ample supply of these cephalopods stored down below.”

Eager to contribute to the conversation (and to prove that I was not quite as naive as it might appear), I turned to the group and announced, “ And I understand that there are some tasty azipods down below also.” From the blank stares I received, I could tell that they were as unfamiliar with azipods as was I. (Note to self: look up “azipod” when back in Atlanta)

Day 9 – Cruising the Caribbean

I don’t know anyone who goes on a cruise and does not spend some time in the gallery shops, and that is certainly true for us. SailorJill loves to shop and the galleries have all sorts of unexpected knickknacks for souvenirs. So today we made our obligatory swing through the shops and picked up our assortment of t-shirts and cruise mementos. As we were standing in line to pay I casually glanced at the selection of “impulse” purchase items that are always lined up at the register area. And there, unbelievably, among the key chains, chewing gums, and candy bars was a …Clearblue Easy Digital Pregnancy Test kit!

I mean, a pregnancy test kit as an impulse buy? (“Oh look, a pregnancy test kit! I think I’ll just pick one up!”) Ok, maybe on a Carnival ship during spring break, but on the Noordam? Has anyone at HAL looked at the ship’s demographics – or considered the product’s potential impact on an otherwise carefree cruise experience?

In a survey run by a well know online cruise site, a survey revealed that the five most dreaded announcements on a cruise ship were:

5. “The ship has run out of beer.”
4. “Report to your muster stations for life boat drill.”
3. “We are experiencing a severe outbreak of Norovirus.”
2. “We have just struck a really big iceberg.”
1. “Honey, I’m pregnant!”

As the gallery clerk was swiping our Seapass card, I mention the test kit to her. “I know,” she said, “we have been getting some really strange stock in lately. I think maybe the ship is going to have a Cougar cruise.” I glanced over at SailorJill, “You don’t want to know,” she said. (Note to self: Look up Cougar Cruise).

Day 10 - Half Moon Cay

We are at HAL’s private island – often cited as the best private island of any cruise line; and, as we stand on deck during our approach to the Cay, the view would certainly seem to back up that claim. The water is a clear sparkling aquamarine and the sandy beach is as white as freshly spun sugar.

Half Moon Cay is one of those ports that requires a tender to get ashore, and not surprisingly, these boats apparently have Dutch names. The one we took to the pier was called the Lluvme (and the one we had on the return was named Chekken). Anyway, after a brief wait we were able to board the Lluvme tender and take the short ride to the pier. Once ashore we found that there were several options as to where we could spread out our stuff and hang out for the day. We could select a simple reclining lounger at no charge, or we could upgrade to:

1. A “Clamshell Lounger”. The clamshell basically resembles a baby buggy on steroids. Not only does it provide a comfortable lounge while working on one’s tan, but by pulling the clamshell down, it converts into a portable oven - capable of baking both sleeping loungers and unleavened bread. It is relatively inexpensive and certainly far cheaper than using the Sauna in the ship’s Spa. People who spend a day in a clamshell have been known to go home and cancel their subscription to Weight Watchers.

2. A Cabana. Cabana, I think, is Spanish for “tiny three-walled hut”. They are designed, I believe, primarily for people who have suites onboard the ship, but who want to get a feel for what it might be like to cruise in a regular size stateroom. To make the experience even more realistic, the cost of renting the cabana for the day is approximately the same as the cost for a stateroom. The cabanas are, however, muy cool! In keeping with the carefree Latin flavor of the sunny Caribbean, each cabana has a really unique Spanish name, like Casa de la Playa (“Mauve” in English) and Hacienda de la Margarita (Terra Cotta” in English). Once home, your discussions regarding your cruise will sound so much more exotic when using the Spanish translation: e.g. “When visiting Half Moon Cay we spent an absolutely fabulous day in Hacienda de la Margarita.” So much better than saying “we spent a day in Mauve.”

3. And then there is La Cabana Grande – the Grand Cabana! Strategically situated on a rocky promontory overlooking the graceful curve of the bay, it was apparently built when the island’s budget was nearing depletion, as it has no walls; but it does feature some great amenities. For instance, if one just can’t get warm enough while spread out in a clamshell in 98-degree weather, one can climb into a hot tub that is roughly the size of my backyard pool. Or, you can just stretch out in a shaded hammock, gaze out over the Cay, and enjoy complimentary bar service, specialty foods, and dedicated butler service. To be honest, however, spending the day at Half Moon Cay in the Grand Cabana is really over the top and quite decadent. I can tell you one thing for certain; you won’t see me using the Grand Cabana. At least that’s what I was told the three times I tried to get in.
Fort Lauderdale

Our cruise has, regretfully, come to a close far too quickly. As we say goodbye to new acquaintances – many of whom already seem like old friends – we head for the shuttle to take us to the airport and the short hop up to Atlanta. As we sit in the airport lounge we take delight in reliving many of the great experiences we have had on this cruise. And while this was our first cruise on HAL, we both agreed, quite frankly, that once was enough…to convince us that we need to sail HAL more often. Heck, I think I may have even finally figured out what an Oosterdam is!

[usha]

I really enjoyed reading your very funny review.:D

[jena1]

Loved your review! Great sense of humor. I gather you all had a good cruise.:):)

[IRL_Joanie]

OMG!!! I LOVE THIS REVIEW!!!

At first I was ready to start flaming you big time!! How dare someone start off with such blatant rudeness etc., BUT then I read a bit more and then more and OMG I am still laughing so hard!!!!

You are FANTASTIC at making the cruise come alive!!! I especially loved the part of being passed by the older lady and the Rum factory!!

OMG!! What a great review!!

I do have one question for you SailorJack, Are you the same gentleman who was so upset when you leardned via email, prior to sailing that the departure of the Noordam from FLL was to be delated?? IF SO, Please accept my FULL apologies for anything I might have said. You are a cruiser that I would dearly love to saik with, and have at the same dining table. You are Amazing!!

Joanie

[High Flyer]

:D:D:D:D:D:D: Great Review

[lakeboji]

;)What a fun review to read! We are going on the same cruise in February, and are looking forward to it...especially now!

[our turn]

Always a treat to read your fabulously entertaining reviews!

[Taxguy77]

Wish I could write as well as you. Really enjoyed the account of your cruise.

[mclaire]

what a way to start my day! great review; I am still laughing over your description of the clamshell! thanks for sharing.

[Cruising-along]

Excellent!! Thanks for a great start to my day. I especially liked this:

We are working on the problem sir, and Engineering has suggested a possible solution until the problem can be fixed. They will send a technician up to your room at 8:00 AM, 1:00 PM and 8:00 PM. If you can time your use of the toilette for those times you won’t have to make anymore of these calls. This has happened before and they call this their “No rush to flush” program.”

:D

[INSIDERS CABIN]

Sailor Jack--That is the best review and funniest posting I have ever read on this board! Thank you for the definitive work on Hal cruising!:)

[callmedeb]

Awesome review!

[SailorJack]

OMG!!! I LOVE THIS REVIEW!!!

At first I was ready to start flaming you big time!! How dare someone start off with such blatant rudeness etc., BUT then I read a bit more and then more and OMG I am still laughing so hard!!!!

You are FANTASTIC at making the cruise come alive!!! I especially loved the part of being passed by the older lady and the Rum factory!!

OMG!! What a great review!!

I do have one question for you SailorJack, Are you the same gentleman who was so upset when you leardned via email, prior to sailing that the departure of the Noordam from FLL was to be delated?? IF SO, Please accept my FULL apologies for anything I might have said. You are a cruiser that I would dearly love to saik with, and have at the same dining table. You are Amazing!!

Joanie


Thanks for your comments (and those from every one). This was my first review of a HAL cruise so I am glad that you found it of interest.

To answer your question - no, I was not the gentleman that was upset over the delayed departure. Like all of you, I have learned not to sweat the small stuff. My mantra has always been "The worst day on a cruise is better that the best day at work."

[scottamiller]

That was a helluvaDAM read! Thank goodness I was wearing my Depends, as it was less of a problem when I peed myself from laughing so hard! Glad you enjoyed your cruise on the Noordam - HAL really does a DAMgood job! :D

[SwissMyst]

Luckily you gave yourself away in your very first paragraph as a very funny writer. But I admit -- you drew me in with your title and only then did you deliver what we too have learned. Pretty dam good ships.

[PatsyAnne]

thanks for the great review!

[VermeulT]

OMG!!! I LOVE THIS REVIEW!!!

At first I was ready to start flaming you big time!! How dare someone start off with such blatant rudeness etc., BUT then I read a bit more and then more and OMG I am still laughing so hard!!!!

Like Joannie said - I was ready to bitch you out... and then I started laughing. I have tears!! This was great. Thanks for your review!:D

[NHRedSoxFan]

SailorJill must be dizzy from rolling her eyes.

[Real Dutch Cruiser]

Hi Sailor Jack

Thanks for you're review, we are sailing on the Noordam in march.
I have yo correct you on Another unusual name that we have heard about on HAL is something called a “Hunky Dory” – of which we have no idea - except that it may be Dutch for “Lifeboat.” I live in Holland and speak dutch but in my language a Lifeboat is a "reddingsboot" and not a Hunky Dory that is not a dutch word at all.

[jhannah]

I smell a Nobel in Literature!

[USNEOD]

Hilarious...hooyah sailorjack

[NMLady]

I loved every word of your review and was laughing hysterically at many of your statements.
I had clicked on your post because I couldn't imagine anyone saying that Once was enough on Hal. But your last part explained what I've also learned: that once is enough -- to convince one to sail again on HAL.
We are currently looking forward to our second HAL cruise.
Thanks again for a really good read.

[m steve]

I really enjoy a writer with a sense of humor. Too many flamers on these threads looking to complain. We took Noordam for 20 days last Nov. and really enjoyed the ship. Best place was the Ocean Bar w/ Cesar and Dindo making great drinks and personalized souveniers for their regulars. One was a set of bistro table and chairs made from champagne corks and another was an origami display with our names on it. You bet they got a lot of extra tips from us and the other bar hounds. Of course, they allowed a limited amount of smoking around the bar and 3 sets of tables. We also had the flushing problem several times.

[cheggy]

TOO funny! Holland america should pay you!!!!!!!!!
Thanks for the candy. ( alot of snickers)

[IRL_Joanie]

Hi Sailor Jack

Thanks for you're review, we are sailing on the Noordam in march.
I have yo correct you on Another unusual name that we have heard about on HAL is something called a “Hunky Dory” – of which we have no idea - except that it may be Dutch for “Lifeboat.” I live in Holland and speak dutch but in my language a Lifeboat is a "reddingsboot" and not a Hunky Dory that is not a dutch word at all.

Just a clarification as to WHO not what is a Hunky Dory:)

Hunky Dory is a HAL Crew Member. In our case he was a Lido Server/Steward on the Ms Oosterdam. He is one of those rare people who hears your name and sees you one time and he remembers you forever, by name and face!

From what I understand, their are several Hunky Dory's on the DAM ships.

Here is a thread that was specifically about him, to include a link to some photos of he and his family while they were on vacation in Switzerland. http://boards.cruisecritic.com/showthread.php?t=1069701

I LOVE HUNKY DORY!!!

Joanie

[IRL_Joanie]

Hilarious...hooyah sailorjack

USNEOD, 2 things...

1. Welcome to CC!!!
2. God Bless you and THANK YOU for serving in the USN!!!

Joanie

[bocamom61]

HA! I am sailing on the Noordam in 34 days and when I saw the title to your review I was hesitant to open it...not wanting any negative vibes to make me worry. But I opened your review and was hysterically laughing in just a few moments. Great style and original review! THANKS :)

[innlady1]

Thanks for the fabulously funny and interesting review, SailorJack! I remember reading your Dream/Nightmare review a couple years ago because our friends were doing the same cruise that January (01/08).

You certainly have a way with words! :D :cool: :D

[Sir PMP]

“Noordam.” This is not a word one uses everyday and you can’t find the word in any dictionary,

With exception of the 'Euro' dam, all ships are named after existing dams(dikes) in The Netherlands...

[meterman2]

Sailor Jack,

Thanks for another entertaining review! I was at the "banner wave" and the "M & G", but I don't think we bumped into one another. Is "Jack" your first name or a pseudonym?

We had a great time on the Noordam too. Cheers!

[jtl513]

From what I understand, their are several Hunky Dory's on the DAM ships.I'm pretty sure there's just ONE Hunky Dory, but there are several like him with a fantastic memory for people, if that's what you mean. "Shy" is another one. :)

See: http://boards.cruisecritic.com/showthread.php?t=672579

http://i49.photobucket.com/albums/f293/max511/cruising/DSC_0079.jpg

[mamaofami]

Sailorjack, thanks for the best review I've ever read of my favorite ship. You have a delightful writing style and wonderful sense of humor.:D

[mamaofami]

“Noordam.” This is not a word one uses everyday and you can’t find the word in any dictionary,

With exception of the 'Euro' dam, all ships are named after existing dams(dikes) in The Netherlands...


Noord means north in Dutch. I am pretty sure that the Vista ships are named for the points of the compass and Noordam is north. Westerdam= west, Oosterdam= east, and Zuiderdam= south.

[SailorJack]

Sailor Jack,

Thanks for another entertaining review! I was at the "banner wave" and the "M & G", but I don't think we bumped into one another. Is "Jack" your first name or a pseudonym?

We had a great time on the Noordam too. Cheers!

Bob, I think we did "bump" into each other. At least we remember meeting someone from Boston named Bob - and his wife C.

Jack is not a pseudonym.

And, again, thanks to everyone for your kind words.

[iamaqt2]

I think this has to be the best "DAM" review I've ever read on the boards! I was LOL'ing so hard... I loved the rum factory tour story! ROFL'd where SailorJill clutches the camera a little tighter:D

Care to post those pics?;)

[coolgranny]

So funny.....What a wonderful sense of humor...I was on the Noordam in Feb. and she was great:)

[travelmatron]

.

Needless to say, the meet and greet came as a complete surprise. Based on the people we met, Holland America Lines (HAL) cruisers are, well, lets be totally honest here… they aren’t your typical cruisers. Based on (now erroneous) previous perceptions, I had expected to find a sedate crowd; satisfied to sit on deck in their teak lounge chaises, wrapped in warm, wool blankets, and reading well worn, leather bound copies of Agatha Christie. What I actually found was an eclectic group of rather dynamic people who refer to themselves as HALraisers (some of whom, I suspect, were no strangers to HALucinogenics).




DAMit Sailor Jack, what put you on to us? Those of us in HAL's targeted demographic have been trying to keep it an inside secret that we're a little "eclectic" after loosing the better part of a decade back there in the 60's.

I think I enjoyed every single word of your review...great job!

[uppitycats]

Y'all need to click on SailorJack and look up the rest of his reviews. Each one is a gem, and together a veritable kalidescope of laughs..and some seriously good information. If you can stop giggling enough to sort through that! :) Thanks for another great job. I especially love the flushing story. Went through that myself here at home, a week ago..well, *I* didn't go through that...a toilet did. Unfortunately ended up costing us a heap to get it fixed..no late night engineer to the rescue..:cool:

[Mother Bear]

Way too funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:p

[aliaschief]

A great review that's going to be hard to top. Still laughing!!:D;)

[Kittykath]

Just happened to stumble upon your review while checking out some HAL info - you are hysterical and a GREAT writer! ARE you an author? You should be! I'm going to check out all of your reviews!

Kathy

[happy cruzer]

Yes, everyone read the other reviews from Jack that are in his signature. They are always a good read.

And I do so try to be that typical HAL cruiser but none of my Agatha Christie novels are leatherbound, however they are indeed wellworn.

I'm every woman it's all in me......
and DH is "Atomic Dog" and we will play that funky music till we die....

Well jack knows all the words thanks to that guarantee cabin.

Thanks for all the fun, Jack.

[Gormley]

Thanks for your comments (and those from every one). This was my first review of a HAL cruise so I am glad that you found it of interest.

To answer your question - no, I was not the gentleman that was upset over the delayed departure. Like all of you, I have learned not to sweat the small stuff. My mantra has always been "The worst day on a cruise is better that the best day at work."

Sailor Jack,

Love your review , but your NCL Dream is still the best!:D

[innlady1]

Y'all need to click on SailorJack and look up the rest of his reviews. Each one is a gem, and together a veritable kalidescope of laughs..and some seriously good information. If you can stop giggling enough to sort through that! :) Thanks for another great job. I especially love the flushing story. Went through that myself here at home, a week ago..well, *I* didn't go through that...a toilet did. Unfortunately ended up costing us a heap to get it fixed..no late night engineer to the rescue..:cool:

You're right...I read his Dream review when he wrote it (as we had friends sailing on the Dream), and it was priceless...so read his others....each one is a gem!

[kakalina]

I am sitting here laughing so hard that DH had to come see what on earth I was doing in here all along laughing like a loon and tears running down my face.

Thanks Sailor Jack ( and SailorJill) for an unforgettably funny review.

[Marion B]

Sailor Jack,
You had me at the first paragraph; it was a three Depends night read.
Thanks!
Marion

[IRL_Joanie]

I'm pretty sure there's just ONE Hunky Dory, but there are several like him with a fantastic memory for people, if that's what you mean. "Shy" is another one. :)

See: http://boards.cruisecritic.com/showthread.php?t=672579

http://i49.photobucket.com/albums/f293/max511/cruising/DSC_0079.jpg


That's definitely our Hunky Dory!!!

In the other thread that I referenced, someone else said there was more then one crew member on the various DAM ships. All I know is I loves the man and his sweetness!!

Joanie

[az-cruiser]

Sailor Jack, I really enjoyed reading your post...you are fricken funny!! I now reside in the great ATL too....thanks for sharing

Day 1 – Fort Lauderdale

This will be our first cruise on Holland America and, to be perfectly honest with you, we are really not quite sure about what to expect. For one thing, Holland America ships have really funny names. Maybe “funny” is the wrong word…”strange” may be more apropos. The name of the ship that we are booked on is the “Noordam.” This is not a word one uses everyday and you can’t find the word in any dictionary, but as best as I can figure, it is a Dutch word that is sort of idiomatic for “unsociable”…as in “it’s none of Noordam business.” Another unusual name that we have heard about on HAL is something called a “Hunky Dory” – of which we have no idea - except that it may be Dutch for “Lifeboat.” Obviously, sailing on a HAL ship will pose a language challenge, but as long as the menus have English translations we think we will be OK. Why did we select HAL? Based on the ports we wanted to visit and the timing, it was either the Noordam or the Oasis of the Seas. In the end, we liked the size of the Noordam…as opposed to the Oasis, which will be so big that it will probably be applying for statehood.

We were also a little curious about the people who regularly cruised on HAL ships, but more on that later.

Day 1 – Ft. Lauderdale

Our boarding process was delayed by about at hour as the crew had to do a deep cleaning as a result of a virus outbreak on the previous cruise, and, in turn, the deep cleaning process was held up as most of the crew that was to do the cleaning was being held at customs and immigration. Not an auspicious start, but the Noordam crew handled the delay very professionally and we were safely tucked away in our stateroom by 12:30.

Our stateroom had a delightful balcony that was on the starboard side of the ship and afforded us a bird’s eye view of the magnificent intercoastal waterway – which was alive with boats, personal watercraft, and yachts of every size and make – all cruising up and down the waterway on a glorious see and be seen Sunday afternoon. So as SailorJill stowed our gear, I made a tall rum and coke and adjourned to the balcony to enjoy the maritime parade.

I would like to think that HAL arranged the girl just for me, but I think I was just plain lucky – you know, being in the right place at the right time. I actually heard her boat coming before I could see it – with the strong, sensual salsa beat rising up from the water below. Then the boat emerged from the shadows and slowly sailed past our stateroom – and there she was. She was twenty-something, tanned with long blonde hair, and she was wearing a tiny red string bikini. And her legs – well, lets just say they reached all the way down to the ground (or the deck, in this case). She was holding onto one of the aluminum poles that supported the boat’s canopy and she was doing the most suggestive and exotic pole dance that I have ever witnessed. Well not actually “witnessed”, more like “heard about” – at least that is how I explained it all to SailorJill. Quite frankly, up until this moment in time I never knew that hips could actually move like that.

It may have been my imagination, but I sensed that the Noordam actually listed a few degrees to starboard as people gathered to watch the boat drift by. As I later mentioned to SailorJill, one can only imagine how mortified that poor girl would have been had she known that her private dance had been inadvertently witnessed by the crew and passengers of the Noordam, the Westerdam, and Carnival’s Victory!

In retrospect, I may have described the dance a little to vividly to SailorJill, because when I suggested that pole dance classes might be a fun way for her to exercise and drop a few pounds, I found myself unpacking my own bags while she sat on the balcony with a rum and coke. I’m sure that the few times she whooped and hollered at the brazen, steroid gulping, muscle-bound, exhibitionist, Speedo clad playboys sailing by was all in fun and had nothing to do with payback.

Later, after the dreaded and obligatory lifeboat drill, we went up to deck 10 and stumbled across a cruise critic group that was conducting something called a “Banner Wave.” The event, which was entirely new to us, was organized by a delightful lady I shall (to protect the innocent) refer to as “Lynda.” The objective was to unfurl a banner as we passed by a shore based webcam and shout tidings of great joy. At the appointed time, “Lynda” thrust a large plastic banner into our hands and instructed us to unfurl it and hang it over the side of the ship.

At first this seemed rather innocuous and we dangled the banner over the railing as instructed and waved wildly at the camera. Then, in one of those life-altering moments, a priest – a man of the cloth – walked up to us and inquired as to what message was on the sign. SailorJill and I stared at each other blankly. In our excitement to be a part of what we innocently assumed to be a hallowed HAL tradition neither one of us had taken the time to actually read the banner. I turned to ask “Lynda” about the banner, but she had apparently moved far enough down the side of the ship so as to maintain plausible deniability. I had no answer for the priest!

“My God,” I thought. What if the sign says something like “The Devil wears Prada,” or “For a real good time, call 1-800-Hot Babe,” or “Free the Guantanamo 200” – or worse! It was at that moment that someone mentioned that this being a major international seaport, perhaps the camera had facial recognition software.

“You’ve got to be kidding,” I said.
“You have nothing to worry about unless you are wanted for a serious felony” he responded.
“Define serious felony!”

I could only hope that “serious felony” did not include taking one of the ship’s shower curtains, writing some possibly scurrilous message on it and dangling it over the side of the ship in the middle of an active international waterway – because apparently that is exactly what we were doing. I couldn’t even drop the damning thing into the ocean as a sign on the railing clearly stated, “Throwing things overboard is strictly prohibited.” So there we stood – staring stupidly into a live webshot and holding onto what undoubtedly would come to be known as “peoples exhibit number one, your honor.” I just knew that when we returned to Florida Horatio Cain and whole CSI team would be there waiting to seize the banner, which by now was covered with my fingerprints, DNA, clothing fibers – and for all I knew, GSR.

As I stood there in the gathering darkness wondering how I get into these situations, the Noordam, like a receding evening ebb tide, slowly slipped out of the harbor and into the welcoming embrace of the warm Caribbean.

Eager to enjoy what few remaining days of freedom we may still have, we return the banner (still unread) to “Lynda” and return to our stateroom to prepare for dinner. One of the little idiosyncrasies we had discovered in our stateroom was the fact that our toilette suffered from Anti-flush Syndrome. When one pushed the button nothing happened. After each use, SailorJill would call the front desk, who in turn would call Engineering, who in turn would send up an Engineer to our hallway, who in turn would remove a plate in the wall and turn a small valve – and, in turn, we would be rewarded with a welcome swooosh.

As we were dressing for dinner, SailorJill said it was my turn to call. I started to object, but thought better of it and picked up the phone.

“Hello, this is room 1133.”
“You’ve used the toilette again!”
“I’m sorry.”
“We are working on the problem sir, and Engineering has suggested a possible solution until the problem can be fixed. They will send a technician up to your room at 8:00 AM, 1:00 PM and 8:00 PM. If you can time your use of the toilette for those times you won’t have to make anymore of these calls. This has happened before and they call this their “No rush to flush” program.”

However, I am happy to report that the problem was fixed later that night and we never had to implement “no rush to flush.” Which was just as well, as I didn’t have the nerve to explain it to SailorJill face-to-face. I had planned on going up to the Ocean Bar and explain it to her over the phone.

The other concern SailorJill had about our stateroom was the fact that it was directly opposite the elevators – fearing that the operation of the elevators would keep her awake. But as we returned from dinner and the show later that night we found that concern to be completely unfounded. The music from the Disco completely drowned out the noise from the elevators.

So our first exciting day ended not with a bang (although that may have been preferable), but to the strains of “Give Up the Funk (Tear the Roof Off the Sucker (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UypeE3zTwBs))” by Parliament.

Day 2 – Cruising the Caribbean

This is our first of three sea days that we will have on this cruise and, as there was not a cloud in the sky, SailorJill and I decide to spend a few hours before lunch working on our tans. As we were relaxing poolside, I was somewhat startled to realize that there must be an Ashram somewhere on the Noordam when I noticed a man and a woman wearing flowing white robes walk by and select two chaise lounges just in front of us. Without looking up from her book (Blood and Ice by Robert Masello, if you must know), SailorJill said, “There is no Ashram, Jack. Those are bathrobes provided by the ship.” OK, but who in their right mind walks around in public wearing a bathrobe? At first I thought they must be from Alabama, but then I noticed that they both had shoes and were carrying books (and on reflection, if they were from Alabama they would have probably been wearing their Snuggies). Well then, they must be French. I held my breath as they laid out their things on the chaise and took off their robes… but they were both wearing bathing suits. Ok, they weren’t French.

After adjusting their chaises, putting on their oversized sunglasses, and applying the appropriate amount of lotion, the lady turned to the gentleman and said:

“Biff, the sun is on the wrong side of the ship,”
“Clarise, darling, these were the only available chaises.”
“Well, Biff darling, I’m sure someone over there would be happy to trade with us.”
“I already asked several people to move and they wouldn’t do it”
“Well, then, have Bentley call the Captain. Tell him to turn the ship or something. This certainly will not do! I want to be in the sun.”
“Bentley is not with us on this trip. Remember, you let him go because he couldn’t get customer service to move out the couple who had reserved the Penthouse Suite so we could have it.”

Ok, mystery solved…they were from California.

As much as we are enjoying the ambiance around the pool, our Meet and Greet is scheduled for 12:00 o’clock, so we retire to our stateroom to shower and change. I’m wearing my new HAL polo shirt, khaki shorts and Sperry topsiders. SailorJill is wearing her hair down to her waist, a jeweled headband, a see-through veil, a beaded low-cut sequined bra, a hip hugging floor length organza skirt slit up to the hip on both sides, a tiny silver bell navel piercing, and jingly anklets and toe rings on her bare feet. Oops, sorry, that’s actually my newest screen saver. SailorJill is wearing shorts, sandals, and her “ My Daughter Married an Idiot” t-shirt – a gift from her mother on the occasion of our third wedding anniversary.

Needless to say, the meet and greet came as a complete surprise. Based on the people we met, Holland America Lines (HAL) cruisers are, well, lets be totally honest here… they aren’t your typical cruisers. Based on (now erroneous) previous perceptions, I had expected to find a sedate crowd; satisfied to sit on deck in their teak lounge chaises, wrapped in warm, wool blankets, and reading well worn, leather bound copies of Agatha Christie. What I actually found was an eclectic group of rather dynamic people who refer to themselves as HALraisers (some of whom, I suspect, were no strangers to HALucinogenics).


We found that HAL passengers are also well traveled and quite worldly in their outlook, but I also couldn’t help but notice that they appear to be both somewhat frugal and pious. A great number of them purchase guarantee cabins and then spend the ensuing months lighting candles and praying furiously to Saint Randomdam - the fickle patron saint of upgrades – for a bump to a higher category of stateroom. I don’t understand why otherwise rational people would do something this silly. (Quite frankly, for the amount of
money SailorJill and I spent on candles we probably could have just gone ahead and booked a suite – and maybe even saved a few bucks.)

We even met one couple that had prayed especially hard for an upgrade because their guarantee cabin was at the back end of the boat and they were concerned about noise keeping them up at night. “ I think the azipods are directly underneath our cabin,” they surmised. As I was completely unaware of what an azipod was, the best I could do was commiserate with them and express my hope that their situation would improve. Like us, they probably didn’t use the right kind of candles (we have since learned that scented ones work best).

Later, after dinner, we made our way up to the Vista Lounge to catch a production by the Noordam Singers and Dancers entitled “If Walls Could Rock.” While I don’t think I have ever written about a ship’s entertainment before, I would be remiss if I didn’t comment on this evening’s show.

The production had a romantic storyline, the singing and vocals were way above average, the set designs were both innovative and imaginative, costumes were colorful and sassy, and the choreography was quite simply outstanding – bold and energetic. When all of this was put together the result was simply the best stage production I have seen on a cruise ship.

It was a perfect ending to our second day and we retired to our stateroom and eventually fell asleep to the driving beat of “Funky Town (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M8J6GXL7IKI)” by Lipps, Inc., which were drifting down from the Disco.

Day 3 – Still Cruising the Caribbean

One of the incentives my travel agent offered when I booked this cruise was a HAL coupon book. I have received these from other cruise lines and have never found one that I could actually use. They usually require that you spend a lot of money to get some small benefit like “Buy 20 drinks on a Sea Day and the 21st drink is half price!” But, in looking through the HAL coupon book, I was thunderstruck with what I had been missing all these years by cruising with other cruise lines. There, in the middle of what has to be the greatest coupon book in the world, was a coupon good for (be still my beating heart) a “Free Spanking with SeaSalt Body Rub”. As this was a sea day with no port call, and as I was in good need of a, ah, SeaSalt body rub, I clipped the coupon and presented it to the lady in the Spa. Not only was she cute, but she was wearing a uniform – not leather – but still a uniform! Cruising doesn’t get much better than this! Although this is my first HAL cruise, I figure that if I cash in my IRA I could have my 50-day pin by Christmas.

You can imagine, then, my profound dismay when it was pointed out that the coupon did not say “Free Spanking”, but “Free Spankie” – which is a type of ladies control top athletic short. As the entire Spa staff was now staring at me in various stages of disbelief, I felt a desperate need for a strategic retreat and a cold beer more than a body rub, so I mumbled something about remembering another appointment and headed for the Pinnacle Bar – where SailorJill expected to find me in the first place. I don’t know how I get myself into these situations, but add the Noordam Spa to the list of public rooms (along with the gallery shop on the Jewel of the Seas and the Disco on the Dream) in which discretion will keep me from ever entering again. Oh, well, I’m sure lots of other cruisers have found themselves in similar contretemps.

Day 4 – Philipsburg, St. Maarten

This is our first port-of-call and the day is glorious. Going ashore we find a tour guide and for $20 take a 3-hour tour of the island. St. Maartin is reminiscent of a Tale of Two Cities – or, in this case, a tale of two countries. The Dutch side of this island is bustling with new development and is the economic engine of the island. The French side, however, has a quiet malaise to it. On the surface it seemed alive with tourists, but walk a few blocks from the tourist district in Marigot (the capitol of the French side) and there are signs of deterioration everywhere.

The dichotomy of all of this was exemplified by our visit to the fabulous Orient Beach. Signs of great wealth were manifested by the fleets of expensive jet boats skimming across the turquoise waters, the laugher from people floating high above the water in parasails, and the rows of opulent condos lining the hills surrounding the beach.

On the other hand, signs of desperate poverty were amply illustrated by the number of girls on the beach who obviously could not even afford to buy both pieces of their bikinis. One can almost picture these poor girls taking what little money they had managed to scrape together and going to the bikini store just to find out that they could only afford the bottom half and that the top half would have to be put on lay-a-way!

I knew I was getting overly worked up over the injustice of it all when SailorJill said, “Jack, we are on the FRENCH side of the island.” I was on the verge of saying, “And your point is…?” when it dawned on me what she had just implied. These girls were deliberately not wearing the top part of their bikini! As I viewed the scene (from behind a nice pair of dark sunglasses) I could see that they were actually quite at ease with no covering over their, ah, pitons, and were not poor at all!

Maybe the French side was not that bad off after all.

After our tour we went back to Phillipsburg to relax and have a cold beverage before returning to the ship. As we walked down the boardwalk, a slow smile spread across SailorJill’s face as we passed Mama Chang’s Bamboo Bar. “No!” I said, “Absolutely not!” Not six months ago we had visited this establishment and the results had not been pretty.

On our Transatlantic cruise on the Vision of the Seas we had stopped in Philipsburg and while walking along the boardwalk had spotted Mama Chang’s sign advertising “Carib and Red Stripe Beer – 99¢.” But because of a previous misunderstanding with the manager of the Green Iguana (just down the boardwalk), I was going to check with Mama Chang on pricing before committing myself – which led to the following exchange:

“How much for a Carib beer, please”?
“Two dollah.”
“But your sign says 99 cents.”
“That outside price. In here, two dallah.”
“You mean if I step back onto the deck and place an order it’s 99 cents”?
“That right.”

Well that was a no-brainer. I took two steps backward and ordered two Carib’s - and a glass for SailorJill.

“No glass! You buy beer for 99 cent and expect me to pay someone to wash glass? No glass!”
“I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking.”
“You bet you no think. You too cheap to bring nice lady into bah and pay two dallah for beer in glass! Say, what you name”?

Before I could stop myself, I had blurted out the awful truth.

“Hah! I knew it! You Scottish! I bet you have first dallah you ever make. How nice lady get you to buy cruise”? Then answering her own question she yells, “Hah, you so cheap you prob’ly buy Guarantee cruise! You some cheap guy – no deserve nice lady.”

Not only could I not believe that this was happening, but there is no way I was going to come out of that looking good. Grabbing SailorJill’s hand we turned to flee, but found our way blocked by a street merchant who wanted to sell me a T-shirt that read “St. Maarten – the Friendly Island.”

Now, only six months later, SailorJill wants me to once again face Mama Chang. “Come on Jack, it will be fun to have a beer inside this time, besides, after six months nobody will remember us.” (In mystery novels this is known as “foreshadowing” – when the author hints at something terrible that will happen later in the book.)

Bowing to the inevitable, I escort SailorJill to a table inside Mama Chang’s Bamboo Bar. As we take a seat Mama Chang comes over to take our order. Peering at me over the top of her black horn-rimmed glasses, she asks, “What you want”? Casually glancing up, I speak to Mama Chang: “Two Carib’s, please.”

“You win lottery or maybe rob bank”?
“Huh”? I had a dreadful premonition about this.
“You got extra dollah this time to get nice lady beer in glass”?
“You remember me!” This just can’t be happening. I mean, it has been six months since we were last here! By now, the bar’s other patrons were turning to look. I think it was the “rob bank” that got their attention. I recognize several people from the ship and give them my best carefree wave.
“Hah! Remember nice lady who had to sit in hot sun to drink 99-cent beer out of can - you… you easy guy to forget.”

Before I could think of an appropriate response (or crawl under the table), Mama Chang broke out in a broad smile. “Hah! You leave big tip and next time I forget I ever see you.”

While I have no intention of ever coming back here again, I leave a HUGE tip – as a precaution.

Day 5 – Castries, St. Lucia

Early Morning

I have always been an early riser and for exercise I like to walk – a lot. I am usually on the walking track around 4:00 AM and walk till 7:00 – when SailorJill comes up on deck and we go for breakfast. It is a great time to walk – it is quiet, you have the entire deck to yourself and you can watch the ship wake up – first the security officers making their rounds, followed by the maintenance crew arriving to clean the pool and decks, then the first early risers hurrying to get that first cup of coffee, and then the early bird walkers coming up to greet the first rays of the warm morning sun.

I wouldn’t exactly say that I was a competitive walker, but I do take it rather personally when someone tries to pass me – which is why I kept a watchful eye out each morning around 5:15 for “Chinese Guy.” Deck 10 was mine from 4:00 to 5:00 and he obviously respected that – coming up on deck each day a little after 5:00.

He was of short physical stature, but in really great shape! He could do three laps to my two and his appearance each morning turned the deck into a scene from the Pit and Pendulum – where each swing around the deck brought him closer and closer to passing me. And every time he passed I had to fight the urge to stick my foot out and trip the guy.

Only my good sportsmanship and sense of fair play (and the presence of witnesses) held me back. There was little I could do but bear the ignominy of being repeatedly passed. But today, as I was completing my second lap around the deck, I looked up and my eyes sort of glazed over - as out of a red hazy mist stepped…Chinese Guy! It was 4:15 and he was breaking our unspoken covenant. I had to accept the challenge. As I pondered my strategy I heard his voice for the first time, “I follow in your footsteps,” he said. It took a second, but I realized that what he was trying to say was “I walk with you.” He was obviously making an effort to walk a little slower so, in the spirit of compromise, I made an effort to walk a little faster – whereupon he would speed up a little, forcing me to walk even faster.

This went on for a little over two interminable hours as he slowly ground me down – step by agonizing step. But, remarkably, despite some language challenges, we bonded during those two hours, exchanged e-mail addresses, and agreed to do some tours together. He actually turned out to be a nice guy, and by the end of the cruise he and his wife had become family friends!

But after two hours I was about to admit that he had won. I no longer had any feeling below my knees and the only way I knew my feet were still there was the fact that I was standing – more or less – somewhat upright. It was at that point that Chen said he had to go, but would see me tomorrow. (In mystery novels this is known as “foreshadowing” – when the author hints at something terrible that will happen later in the book.)

As I still had a half-hour to go, I continued to slowly stagger around the walking track – until I heard a faint clop…clop…clop. It was eerily similar to Poe’s tintinnabulation of the bells, bells, bells, and it was getting louder - CLOP…CLOP…CLOP. I turned to look behind me and was horrified to realize that I was about to be passed by a little old lady using a three-legged walker. I could just sit down and cry!

Day 5 (con’t) Ashore in Castries

This is our first visit to St. Lucia and we have been looking forward to visiting this island.
On our tour we discover a delightful island that is lush, green, and beautiful, and we are most impressed by the justifiably famous geographical landmark on St. Lucia - the Pitons – two closely set conical mountains that most closely resemble a very impressive pair of… ah, that is to say they look like a big set of, ah…well they appear to be two huge, ah … Look, just picture Madonna lying on her back during her “Blonde Ambition” days and you’ll get the idea. As we admire these stunning, ah, landmarks, I can’t help but wonder what Christopher Columbus, who had a tendency to name islands after female attributes (Virgin Gorda), would have named St. Lucia if he had sailed by.

It seemed almost fitting (almost) that our bedtime serenade from the Disco this evening was “You Sexy Thing (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C61olIkvoks)” by Hot Chocolate.

Day 6 - Bridgetown, Barbados

In Barbados I suggested to SailorJill that we rent a Hobie and try our hand at sailing. She was a little nervous about trying as we had never sailed before…but how hard can it be. I mean, you raise the sail, sit in the back of the boat with that little wooden rudder thing and twist it in the direction you want to turn – after all, I pointed out, I am “Sailor” Jack. As this did not appear to calm her, I agreed to her suggestion that we at least ask for a little instruction before we take it out.

At the boat rental place, the rental agent, upon hearing that we were new at sailing, said a Hobie might be a little too much boat for us at this time and suggested that we try a little 14-foot daysailer instead. “Great,” I said, “I’m sure I can handle it, but SailorJill here would sure appreciate it if you could you give her a few pointers.”

“Sure thing – it is really quite simple. When you’re off the beach, turn the bow into the wind, pull the halyard to raise the sheet until the luff is tight and tie it off on the clam cleat. Then port your helm until you are heeling and keep the wind to the whether side until you are out of the marina. Once out in open water, run with a broad reach and when returning simply keep it close hauled. When tacking, watch the boom on your jibes and if the wind picks up simply reef the boat. If you start to heel more than 20 degrees, just break the main until you recover. Its so easy a caveman can do it!”

After considering his comments for a moment, I turned to SailorJill and said, “Perhaps you would be more comfortable going to the rum factory”?

So off to the rum factory it was, which actually turned out to be rather fun. One of the features of the tour was the ability to smell the rum at each of its distilling steps. Of course, the warning not to inhale too deeply was widely disregarded by all and, as a result, most of us were feeling really, really good before we ever reached the tasting room. The tour we signed up for was the “Cocktail Tour” which was the same as the regular tour - until the tours reached the tasting room. After we tasted a sampling of rums the amateurs on the regular tour were escorted out of the room and the remaining patrons turned to the serious business of making rum cocktails.

Under the supervision of a trained mixologist, couples were to compete to make the best (and strongest) cocktails using any one of the rums on display - and then we were to all try each cocktail and vote for the winner – upon which prizes would be awarded. At least that was what was supposed to happen. Whether it actually happened or not I haven’t a clue, as I have only a limited recollection of events after drinking the first cocktail, the Funky Monkey – a 74 proof cocktail. I assume I had a really good time because on the way back to the ship I noticed that my t-shirt was on backwards and I had a fuzzy stuffed monkey hanging around my neck. Upon repeated questioning, SailorJill would only smile and grip her camera a little tighter.

Day 7 – Fort-de-France, Martinique

Dinner

One of the benefits of taking a cruise is the opportunity to sample and experiment with unfamiliar cuisines. And the variety of menu items (and the quality as well!) on the Noordam certainly provided such moments. At dinner tonight I ordered something called “calamari” and found it to have a most unusual, but intriguing, texture. Dorothea (one of our tablemates from Vermont) took quick (and perverse) delight in telling me that calamari was actually squid! Thurston (no relation to Howell), who was a biology professor at Yale, and perhaps sensing some queasiness on my part, explained that calamari was a delicacy enjoyed among many Caribbean and Mediterranean cultures. “ It is a member of the cephalopod family – along with cuttlefish and octopus. And, based on my previous sailings on HAL, I think you will have the opportunity to sample a variety of all three dishes before the cruise is over. Unless I miss my bet,” he said, “the ship has an ample supply of these cephalopods stored down below.”

Eager to contribute to the conversation (and to prove that I was not quite as naive as it might appear), I turned to the group and announced, “ And I understand that there are some tasty azipods down below also.” From the blank stares I received, I could tell that they were as unfamiliar with azipods as was I. (Note to self: look up “azipod” when back in Atlanta)

Day 9 – Cruising the Caribbean

I don’t know anyone who goes on a cruise and does not spend some time in the gallery shops, and that is certainly true for us. SailorJill loves to shop and the galleries have all sorts of unexpected knickknacks for souvenirs. So today we made our obligatory swing through the shops and picked up our assortment of t-shirts and cruise mementos. As we were standing in line to pay I casually glanced at the selection of “impulse” purchase items that are always lined up at the register area. And there, unbelievably, among the key chains, chewing gums, and candy bars was a …Clearblue Easy Digital Pregnancy Test kit!

I mean, a pregnancy test kit as an impulse buy? (“Oh look, a pregnancy test kit! I think I’ll just pick one up!”) Ok, maybe on a Carnival ship during spring break, but on the Noordam? Has anyone at HAL looked at the ship’s demographics – or considered the product’s potential impact on an otherwise carefree cruise experience?

In a survey run by a well know online cruise site, a survey revealed that the five most dreaded announcements on a cruise ship were:

5. “The ship has run out of beer.”
4. “Report to your muster stations for life boat drill.”
3. “We are experiencing a severe outbreak of Norovirus.”
2. “We have just struck a really big iceberg.”
1. “Honey, I’m pregnant!”

As the gallery clerk was swiping our Seapass card, I mention the test kit to her. “I know,” she said, “we have been getting some really strange stock in lately. I think maybe the ship is going to have a Cougar cruise.” I glanced over at SailorJill, “You don’t want to know,” she said. (Note to self: Look up Cougar Cruise).

Day 10 - Half Moon Cay

We are at HAL’s private island – often cited as the best private island of any cruise line; and, as we stand on deck during our approach to the Cay, the view would certainly seem to back up that claim. The water is a clear sparkling aquamarine and the sandy beach is as white as freshly spun sugar.

Half Moon Cay is one of those ports that requires a tender to get ashore, and not surprisingly, these boats apparently have Dutch names. The one we took to the pier was called the Lluvme (and the one we had on the return was named Chekken). Anyway, after a brief wait we were able to board the Lluvme tender and take the short ride to the pier. Once ashore we found that there were several options as to where we could spread out our stuff and hang out for the day. We could select a simple reclining lounger at no charge, or we could upgrade to:

1. A “Clamshell Lounger”. The clamshell basically resembles a baby buggy on steroids. Not only does it provide a comfortable lounge while working on one’s tan, but by pulling the clamshell down, it converts into a portable oven - capable of baking both sleeping loungers and unleavened bread. It is relatively inexpensive and certainly far cheaper than using the Sauna in the ship’s Spa. People who spend a day in a clamshell have been known to go home and cancel their subscription to Weight Watchers.

2. A Cabana. Cabana, I think, is Spanish for “tiny three-walled hut”. They are designed, I believe, primarily for people who have suites onboard the ship, but who want to get a feel for what it might be like to cruise in a regular size stateroom. To make the experience even more realistic, the cost of renting the cabana for the day is approximately the same as the cost for a stateroom. The cabanas are, however, muy cool! In keeping with the carefree Latin flavor of the sunny Caribbean, each cabana has a really unique Spanish name, like Casa de la Playa (“Mauve” in English) and Hacienda de la Margarita (Terra Cotta” in English). Once home, your discussions regarding your cruise will sound so much more exotic when using the Spanish translation: e.g. “When visiting Half Moon Cay we spent an absolutely fabulous day in Hacienda de la Margarita.” So much better than saying “we spent a day in Mauve.”

3. And then there is La Cabana Grande – the Grand Cabana! Strategically situated on a rocky promontory overlooking the graceful curve of the bay, it was apparently built when the island’s budget was nearing depletion, as it has no walls; but it does feature some great amenities. For instance, if one just can’t get warm enough while spread out in a clamshell in 98-degree weather, one can climb into a hot tub that is roughly the size of my backyard pool. Or, you can just stretch out in a shaded hammock, gaze out over the Cay, and enjoy complimentary bar service, specialty foods, and dedicated butler service. To be honest, however, spending the day at Half Moon Cay in the Grand Cabana is really over the top and quite decadent. I can tell you one thing for certain; you won’t see me using the Grand Cabana. At least that’s what I was told the three times I tried to get in.
Fort Lauderdale

Our cruise has, regretfully, come to a close far too quickly. As we say goodbye to new acquaintances – many of whom already seem like old friends – we head for the shuttle to take us to the airport and the short hop up to Atlanta. As we sit in the airport lounge we take delight in reliving many of the great experiences we have had on this cruise. And while this was our first cruise on HAL, we both agreed, quite frankly, that once was enough…to convince us that we need to sail HAL more often. Heck, I think I may have even finally figured out what an Oosterdam is!

[Cruisin'Lady]

Very funny read! Ty for your entertaining review! I giggled really hard at this one...
Saint Randomdam - the fickle patron saint of upgrades:D

[matondo]

HAL-air-ious review.

[Duck Duck Cruise]

Everyone should take a bit of your humor on vacation with them!

I posted to say thanks and to help keep this on page one for awhile so others can read it.

Lin

[Two@Sea]

Best review EVER! Thank you for sharing it with us! I haven't laughed so hard since, well, nevermind, you had to have been there...

[SailorJack]

Just happened to stumble upon your review while checking out some HAL info - you are hysterical and a GREAT writer! ARE you an author? You should be! I'm going to check out all of your reviews!

Kathy

Thanks for your comments. No, not a writer - just a cruiser who likes to write about the humorous aspects of sailing.

iamaqut2 - SaiorJill hasn't uploaded the pics into an album yet, but my best guess is that I will NOT be posting anything from the rum tasting:eek:

travelmatron - I've heard stories about you guys and the 60's:D:D

happy cruzer - another Wild Cherry fan!:)

Once again, thanks to everyone for your kind words.

[hammybee]

U sum cheap guy.....this was absolutely delicious.

Luv,
-Clarise

[KirkNC]

Best review of all time! :D

Kirk

[Cinndd]

For days I avoided your post, because 3 days before I sail I did not want someone spewing negativity to knock me off my cloud. I am ever so glad that I finally thought no one even the whiniest person on earth could spoil my mood & click I did! It was a true pleasure reading your post! :D If I ever find myself in a walker I hope to catch up to you on a Dam Deck sometime!!!!!

[SailorJack]

For days I avoided your post, because 3 days before I sail I did not want someone spewing negativity to knock me off my cloud. I am ever so glad that I finally thought no one even the whiniest person on earth could spoil my mood & click I did! It was a true pleasure reading your post! :D

Glad you enjoyed it. I'll have to work on my titles. I did the same thing with a review I did of the Dream/Nightmare, and people said they avoided that post as well because of the implied negativity.


If I ever find myself in a walker I hope to catch up to you on a Dam Deck sometime!!!!!
LOL. Enjoy your cruise on the 22nd -wish I was back on a DAM ship with y'all.
Jack

[DFD1]

I also avoided it for some time. Wasn't in the mood to hear the usual carping.

When I did read it, it was quite a treat.

Great writing and great fun to read. Thanks.

[suse]

Thanks for making me laugh today. Sometimes, it is so great to read stuff that is here.:) You are very talented.

[smileycruiser2007]

Sailorjack,

My mother was feeling bad from a minor operation (she's fine). I handed her a couple of your reviews, and after a few minutes she was howling with laughter and feeling so much better.

You are so funny and I love how you transform the little (or sometimes large) annyances into hilarious adventures.

HAppy cruising to you and Sailor Jill,

Smileycruiser 2007

[pipedreams62]

That was a wonderful breath of fresh air. Well done.

Thanks for the great escape:)

[Two@Sea]

Italian households tend to serve twenty course holiday meals, and one of them usually consists of a varied "fish" course. Since we're getting bored with cleaning, battering, and frying calamari it might be nice to make something different this year, perhaps with a lovely garlic, butter, and caper sauce...

So, where can I get some of those fresh azipods?

[zoomer1956]

Bravo! Your review kept me on the edge of my seat, until I fell over laughing!!

[SailorJack]

Sailorjack,

My mother was feeling bad from a minor operation (she's fine). I handed her a couple of your reviews, and after a few minutes she was howling with laughter and feeling so much better.

You are so funny and I love how you transform the little (or sometimes large) annyances into hilarious adventures.

HAppy cruising to you and Sailor Jill,

Smileycruiser 2007

I am glad your mother is recovering well. SailorJill often accuses me of enjoying writing about our cruises as much as we enjoy taking them, but I always have fun looking at the humorous side of sailing. In this case I am so glad that this "review" was able to bring a little laughter to your mother.

Thanks so much for sharing that information.

Jack

Italian households tend to serve twenty course holiday meals, and one of them usually consists of a varied "fish" course. Since we're getting bored with cleaning, battering, and frying calamari it might be nice to make something different this year, perhaps with a lovely garlic, butter, and caper sauce...



So, where can I get some of those fresh azipods?

LOL:)... Actually, I feel like a complete idiot for having to tell you this...but it turns out I was wrong about azipods. They are not a food! They are actually some sort of propulsion device under the ship! Who knew! It looks like it might be calamari again;)

[FireIce0010]

Great review as usual. Holland is a nice line. Great for those cruises where one just wants to feel pampered and relaxed.

[bickee]

As always, wonderful read!!!

[PROCRUISE]

Day 1 – Fort Lauderdale

This will be our first cruise on Holland America and, to be perfectly honest with you, we are really not quite sure about what to expect. For one thing, Holland America ships have really funny names. Maybe “funny” is the wrong word…”strange” may be more apropos. The name of the ship that we are booked on is the “Noordam.” This is not a word one uses everyday and you can’t find the word in any dictionary, but as best as I can figure, it is a Dutch word that is sort of idiomatic for “unsociable”…as in “it’s none of Noordam business.” Another unusual name that we have heard about on HAL is something called a “Hunky Dory” – of which we have no idea - except that it may be Dutch for “Lifeboat.” Obviously, sailing on a HAL ship will pose a language challenge, but as long as the menus have English translations we think we will be OK. Why did we select HAL? Based on the ports we wanted to visit and the timing, it was either the Noordam or the Oasis of the Seas. In the end, we liked the size of the Noordam…as opposed to the Oasis, which will be so big that it will probably be applying for statehood.

We were also a little curious about the people who regularly cruised on HAL ships, but more on that later.

Day 1 – Ft. Lauderdale

Our boarding process was delayed by about at hour as the crew had to do a deep cleaning as a result of a virus outbreak on the previous cruise, and, in turn, the deep cleaning process was held up as most of the crew that was to do the cleaning was being held at customs and immigration. Not an auspicious start, but the Noordam crew handled the delay very professionally and we were safely tucked away in our stateroom by 12:30.

Our stateroom had a delightful balcony that was on the starboard side of the ship and afforded us a bird’s eye view of the magnificent intercoastal waterway – which was alive with boats, personal watercraft, and yachts of every size and make – all cruising up and down the waterway on a glorious see and be seen Sunday afternoon. So as SailorJill stowed our gear, I made a tall rum and coke and adjourned to the balcony to enjoy the maritime parade.

I would like to think that HAL arranged the girl just for me, but I think I was just plain lucky – you know, being in the right place at the right time. I actually heard her boat coming before I could see it – with the strong, sensual salsa beat rising up from the water below. Then the boat emerged from the shadows and slowly sailed past our stateroom – and there she was. She was twenty-something, tanned with long blonde hair, and she was wearing a tiny red string bikini. And her legs – well, lets just say they reached all the way down to the ground (or the deck, in this case). She was holding onto one of the aluminum poles that supported the boat’s canopy and she was doing the most suggestive and exotic pole dance that I have ever witnessed. Well not actually “witnessed”, more like “heard about” – at least that is how I explained it all to SailorJill. Quite frankly, up until this moment in time I never knew that hips could actually move like that.

It may have been my imagination, but I sensed that the Noordam actually listed a few degrees to starboard as people gathered to watch the boat drift by. As I later mentioned to SailorJill, one can only imagine how mortified that poor girl would have been had she known that her private dance had been inadvertently witnessed by the crew and passengers of the Noordam, the Westerdam, and Carnival’s Victory!

In retrospect, I may have described the dance a little to vividly to SailorJill, because when I suggested that pole dance classes might be a fun way for her to exercise and drop a few pounds, I found myself unpacking my own bags while she sat on the balcony with a rum and coke. I’m sure that the few times she whooped and hollered at the brazen, steroid gulping, muscle-bound, exhibitionist, Speedo clad playboys sailing by was all in fun and had nothing to do with payback.

Later, after the dreaded and obligatory lifeboat drill, we went up to deck 10 and stumbled across a cruise critic group that was conducting something called a “Banner Wave.” The event, which was entirely new to us, was organized by a delightful lady I shall (to protect the innocent) refer to as “Lynda.” The objective was to unfurl a banner as we passed by a shore based webcam and shout tidings of great joy. At the appointed time, “Lynda” thrust a large plastic banner into our hands and instructed us to unfurl it and hang it over the side of the ship.

At first this seemed rather innocuous and we dangled the banner over the railing as instructed and waved wildly at the camera. Then, in one of those life-altering moments, a priest – a man of the cloth – walked up to us and inquired as to what message was on the sign. SailorJill and I stared at each other blankly. In our excitement to be a part of what we innocently assumed to be a hallowed HAL tradition neither one of us had taken the time to actually read the banner. I turned to ask “Lynda” about the banner, but she had apparently moved far enough down the side of the ship so as to maintain plausible deniability. I had no answer for the priest!

“My God,” I thought. What if the sign says something like “The Devil wears Prada,” or “For a real good time, call 1-800-Hot Babe,” or “Free the Guantanamo 200” – or worse! It was at that moment that someone mentioned that this being a major international seaport, perhaps the camera had facial recognition software.

“You’ve got to be kidding,” I said.
“You have nothing to worry about unless you are wanted for a serious felony” he responded.
“Define serious felony!”

I could only hope that “serious felony” did not include taking one of the ship’s shower curtains, writing some possibly scurrilous message on it and dangling it over the side of the ship in the middle of an active international waterway – because apparently that is exactly what we were doing. I couldn’t even drop the damning thing into the ocean as a sign on the railing clearly stated, “Throwing things overboard is strictly prohibited.” So there we stood – staring stupidly into a live webshot and holding onto what undoubtedly would come to be known as “peoples exhibit number one, your honor.” I just knew that when we returned to Florida Horatio Cain and whole CSI team would be there waiting to seize the banner, which by now was covered with my fingerprints, DNA, clothing fibers – and for all I knew, GSR.

As I stood there in the gathering darkness wondering how I get into these situations, the Noordam, like a receding evening ebb tide, slowly slipped out of the harbor and into the welcoming embrace of the warm Caribbean.

Eager to enjoy what few remaining days of freedom we may still have, we return the banner (still unread) to “Lynda” and return to our stateroom to prepare for dinner. One of the little idiosyncrasies we had discovered in our stateroom was the fact that our toilette suffered from Anti-flush Syndrome. When one pushed the button nothing happened. After each use, SailorJill would call the front desk, who in turn would call Engineering, who in turn would send up an Engineer to our hallway, who in turn would remove a plate in the wall and turn a small valve – and, in turn, we would be rewarded with a welcome swooosh.

As we were dressing for dinner, SailorJill said it was my turn to call. I started to object, but thought better of it and picked up the phone.

“Hello, this is room 1133.”
“You’ve used the toilette again!”
“I’m sorry.”
“We are working on the problem sir, and Engineering has suggested a possible solution until the problem can be fixed. They will send a technician up to your room at 8:00 AM, 1:00 PM and 8:00 PM. If you can time your use of the toilette for those times you won’t have to make anymore of these calls. This has happened before and they call this their “No rush to flush” program.”

However, I am happy to report that the problem was fixed later that night and we never had to implement “no rush to flush.” Which was just as well, as I didn’t have the nerve to explain it to SailorJill face-to-face. I had planned on going up to the Ocean Bar and explain it to her over the phone.

The other concern SailorJill had about our stateroom was the fact that it was directly opposite the elevators – fearing that the operation of the elevators would keep her awake. But as we returned from dinner and the show later that night we found that concern to be completely unfounded. The music from the Disco completely drowned out the noise from the elevators.

So our first exciting day ended not with a bang (although that may have been preferable), but to the strains of “Give Up the Funk (Tear the Roof Off the Sucker (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UypeE3zTwBs))” by Parliament.

Day 2 – Cruising the Caribbean

This is our first of three sea days that we will have on this cruise and, as there was not a cloud in the sky, SailorJill and I decide to spend a few hours before lunch working on our tans. As we were relaxing poolside, I was somewhat startled to realize that there must be an Ashram somewhere on the Noordam when I noticed a man and a woman wearing flowing white robes walk by and select two chaise lounges just in front of us. Without looking up from her book (Blood and Ice by Robert Masello, if you must know), SailorJill said, “There is no Ashram, Jack. Those are bathrobes provided by the ship.” OK, but who in their right mind walks around in public wearing a bathrobe? At first I thought they must be from Alabama, but then I noticed that they both had shoes and were carrying books (and on reflection, if they were from Alabama they would have probably been wearing their Snuggies). Well then, they must be French. I held my breath as they laid out their things on the chaise and took off their robes… but they were both wearing bathing suits. Ok, they weren’t French.

After adjusting their chaises, putting on their oversized sunglasses, and applying the appropriate amount of lotion, the lady turned to the gentleman and said:

“Biff, the sun is on the wrong side of the ship,”
“Clarise, darling, these were the only available chaises.”
“Well, Biff darling, I’m sure someone over there would be happy to trade with us.”
“I already asked several people to move and they wouldn’t do it”
“Well, then, have Bentley call the Captain. Tell him to turn the ship or something. This certainly will not do! I want to be in the sun.”
“Bentley is not with us on this trip. Remember, you let him go because he couldn’t get customer service to move out the couple who had reserved the Penthouse Suite so we could have it.”

Ok, mystery solved…they were from California.

As much as we are enjoying the ambiance around the pool, our Meet and Greet is scheduled for 12:00 o’clock, so we retire to our stateroom to shower and change. I’m wearing my new HAL polo shirt, khaki shorts and Sperry topsiders. SailorJill is wearing her hair down to her waist, a jeweled headband, a see-through veil, a beaded low-cut sequined bra, a hip hugging floor length organza skirt slit up to the hip on both sides, a tiny silver bell navel piercing, and jingly anklets and toe rings on her bare feet. Oops, sorry, that’s actually my newest screen saver. SailorJill is wearing shorts, sandals, and her “ My Daughter Married an Idiot” t-shirt – a gift from her mother on the occasion of our third wedding anniversary.

Needless to say, the meet and greet came as a complete surprise. Based on the people we met, Holland America Lines (HAL) cruisers are, well, lets be totally honest here… they aren’t your typical cruisers. Based on (now erroneous) previous perceptions, I had expected to find a sedate crowd; satisfied to sit on deck in their teak lounge chaises, wrapped in warm, wool blankets, and reading well worn, leather bound copies of Agatha Christie. What I actually found was an eclectic group of rather dynamic people who refer to themselves as HALraisers (some of whom, I suspect, were no strangers to HALucinogenics).


We found that HAL passengers are also well traveled and quite worldly in their outlook, but I also couldn’t help but notice that they appear to be both somewhat frugal and pious. A great number of them purchase guarantee cabins and then spend the ensuing months lighting candles and praying furiously to Saint Randomdam - the fickle patron saint of upgrades – for a bump to a higher category of stateroom. I don’t understand why otherwise rational people would do something this silly. (Quite frankly, for the amount of
money SailorJill and I spent on candles we probably could have just gone ahead and booked a suite – and maybe even saved a few bucks.)

We even met one couple that had prayed especially hard for an upgrade because their guarantee cabin was at the back end of the boat and they were concerned about noise keeping them up at night. “ I think the azipods are directly underneath our cabin,” they surmised. As I was completely unaware of what an azipod was, the best I could do was commiserate with them and express my hope that their situation would improve. Like us, they probably didn’t use the right kind of candles (we have since learned that scented ones work best).

Later, after dinner, we made our way up to the Vista Lounge to catch a production by the Noordam Singers and Dancers entitled “If Walls Could Rock.” While I don’t think I have ever written about a ship’s entertainment before, I would be remiss if I didn’t comment on this evening’s show.

The production had a romantic storyline, the singing and vocals were way above average, the set designs were both innovative and imaginative, costumes were colorful and sassy, and the choreography was quite simply outstanding – bold and energetic. When all of this was put together the result was simply the best stage production I have seen on a cruise ship.

It was a perfect ending to our second day and we retired to our stateroom and eventually fell asleep to the driving beat of “Funky Town (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M8J6GXL7IKI)” by Lipps, Inc., which were drifting down from the Disco.

Day 3 – Still Cruising the Caribbean

One of the incentives my travel agent offered when I booked this cruise was a HAL coupon book. I have received these from other cruise lines and have never found one that I could actually use. They usually require that you spend a lot of money to get some small benefit like “Buy 20 drinks on a Sea Day and the 21st drink is half price!” But, in looking through the HAL coupon book, I was thunderstruck with what I had been missing all these years by cruising with other cruise lines. There, in the middle of what has to be the greatest coupon book in the world, was a coupon good for (be still my beating heart) a “Free Spanking with SeaSalt Body Rub”. As this was a sea day with no port call, and as I was in good need of a, ah, SeaSalt body rub, I clipped the coupon and presented it to the lady in the Spa. Not only was she cute, but she was wearing a uniform – not leather – but still a uniform! Cruising doesn’t get much better than this! Although this is my first HAL cruise, I figure that if I cash in my IRA I could have my 50-day pin by Christmas.

You can imagine, then, my profound dismay when it was pointed out that the coupon did not say “Free Spanking”, but “Free Spankie” – which is a type of ladies control top athletic short. As the entire Spa staff was now staring at me in various stages of disbelief, I felt a desperate need for a strategic retreat and a cold beer more than a body rub, so I mumbled something about remembering another appointment and headed for the Pinnacle Bar – where SailorJill expected to find me in the first place. I don’t know how I get myself into these situations, but add the Noordam Spa to the list of public rooms (along with the gallery shop on the Jewel of the Seas and the Disco on the Dream) in which discretion will keep me from ever entering again. Oh, well, I’m sure lots of other cruisers have found themselves in similar contretemps.

Day 4 – Philipsburg, St. Maarten

This is our first port-of-call and the day is glorious. Going ashore we find a tour guide and for $20 take a 3-hour tour of the island. St. Maartin is reminiscent of a Tale of Two Cities – or, in this case, a tale of two countries. The Dutch side of this island is bustling with new development and is the economic engine of the island. The French side, however, has a quiet malaise to it. On the surface it seemed alive with tourists, but walk a few blocks from the tourist district in Marigot (the capitol of the French side) and there are signs of deterioration everywhere.

The dichotomy of all of this was exemplified by our visit to the fabulous Orient Beach. Signs of great wealth were manifested by the fleets of expensive jet boats skimming across the turquoise waters, the laugher from people floating high above the water in parasails, and the rows of opulent condos lining the hills surrounding the beach.

On the other hand, signs of desperate poverty were amply illustrated by the number of girls on the beach who obviously could not even afford to buy both pieces of their bikinis. One can almost picture these poor girls taking what little money they had managed to scrape together and going to the bikini store just to find out that they could only afford the bottom half and that the top half would have to be put on lay-a-way!

I knew I was getting overly worked up over the injustice of it all when SailorJill said, “Jack, we are on the FRENCH side of the island.” I was on the verge of saying, “And your point is…?” when it dawned on me what she had just implied. These girls were deliberately not wearing the top part of their bikini! As I viewed the scene (from behind a nice pair of dark sunglasses) I could see that they were actually quite at ease with no covering over their, ah, pitons, and were not poor at all!

Maybe the French side was not that bad off after all.

After our tour we went back to Phillipsburg to relax and have a cold beverage before returning to the ship. As we walked down the boardwalk, a slow smile spread across SailorJill’s face as we passed Mama Chang’s Bamboo Bar. “No!” I said, “Absolutely not!” Not six months ago we had visited this establishment and the results had not been pretty.

On our Transatlantic cruise on the Vision of the Seas we had stopped in Philipsburg and while walking along the boardwalk had spotted Mama Chang’s sign advertising “Carib and Red Stripe Beer – 99¢.” But because of a previous misunderstanding with the manager of the Green Iguana (just down the boardwalk), I was going to check with Mama Chang on pricing before committing myself – which led to the following exchange:

“How much for a Carib beer, please”?
“Two dollah.”
“But your sign says 99 cents.”
“That outside price. In here, two dallah.”
“You mean if I step back onto the deck and place an order it’s 99 cents”?
“That right.”

Well that was a no-brainer. I took two steps backward and ordered two Carib’s - and a glass for SailorJill.

“No glass! You buy beer for 99 cent and expect me to pay someone to wash glass? No glass!”
“I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking.”
“You bet you no think. You too cheap to bring nice lady into bah and pay two dallah for beer in glass! Say, what you name”?

Before I could stop myself, I had blurted out the awful truth.

“Hah! I knew it! You Scottish! I bet you have first dallah you ever make. How nice lady get you to buy cruise”? Then answering her own question she yells, “Hah, you so cheap you prob’ly buy Guarantee cruise! You some cheap guy – no deserve nice lady.”

Not only could I not believe that this was happening, but there is no way I was going to come out of that looking good. Grabbing SailorJill’s hand we turned to flee, but found our way blocked by a street merchant who wanted to sell me a T-shirt that read “St. Maarten – the Friendly Island.”

Now, only six months later, SailorJill wants me to once again face Mama Chang. “Come on Jack, it will be fun to have a beer inside this time, besides, after six months nobody will remember us.” (In mystery novels this is known as “foreshadowing” – when the author hints at something terrible that will happen later in the book.)

Bowing to the inevitable, I escort SailorJill to a table inside Mama Chang’s Bamboo Bar. As we take a seat Mama Chang comes over to take our order. Peering at me over the top of her black horn-rimmed glasses, she asks, “What you want”? Casually glancing up, I speak to Mama Chang: “Two Carib’s, please.”

“You win lottery or maybe rob bank”?
“Huh”? I had a dreadful premonition about this.
“You got extra dollah this time to get nice lady beer in glass”?
“You remember me!” This just can’t be happening. I mean, it has been six months since we were last here! By now, the bar’s other patrons were turning to look. I think it was the “rob bank” that got their attention. I recognize several people from the ship and give them my best carefree wave.
“Hah! Remember nice lady who had to sit in hot sun to drink 99-cent beer out of can - you… you easy guy to forget.”

Before I could think of an appropriate response (or crawl under the table), Mama Chang broke out in a broad smile. “Hah! You leave big tip and next time I forget I ever see you.”

While I have no intention of ever coming back here again, I leave a HUGE tip – as a precaution.

Day 5 – Castries, St. Lucia

Early Morning

I have always been an early riser and for exercise I like to walk – a lot. I am usually on the walking track around 4:00 AM and walk till 7:00 – when SailorJill comes up on deck and we go for breakfast. It is a great time to walk – it is quiet, you have the entire deck to yourself and you can watch the ship wake up – first the security officers making their rounds, followed by the maintenance crew arriving to clean the pool and decks, then the first early risers hurrying to get that first cup of coffee, and then the early bird walkers coming up to greet the first rays of the warm morning sun.

I wouldn’t exactly say that I was a competitive walker, but I do take it rather personally when someone tries to pass me – which is why I kept a watchful eye out each morning around 5:15 for “Chinese Guy.” Deck 10 was mine from 4:00 to 5:00 and he obviously respected that – coming up on deck each day a little after 5:00.

He was of short physical stature, but in really great shape! He could do three laps to my two and his appearance each morning turned the deck into a scene from the Pit and Pendulum – where each swing around the deck brought him closer and closer to passing me. And every time he passed I had to fight the urge to stick my foot out and trip the guy.

Only my good sportsmanship and sense of fair play (and the presence of witnesses) held me back. There was little I could do but bear the ignominy of being repeatedly passed. But today, as I was completing my second lap around the deck, I looked up and my eyes sort of glazed over - as out of a red hazy mist stepped…Chinese Guy! It was 4:15 and he was breaking our unspoken covenant. I had to accept the challenge. As I pondered my strategy I heard his voice for the first time, “I follow in your footsteps,” he said. It took a second, but I realized that what he was trying to say was “I walk with you.” He was obviously making an effort to walk a little slower so, in the spirit of compromise, I made an effort to walk a little faster – whereupon he would speed up a little, forcing me to walk even faster.

This went on for a little over two interminable hours as he slowly ground me down – step by agonizing step. But, remarkably, despite some language challenges, we bonded during those two hours, exchanged e-mail addresses, and agreed to do some tours together. He actually turned out to be a nice guy, and by the end of the cruise he and his wife had become family friends!

But after two hours I was about to admit that he had won. I no longer had any feeling below my knees and the only way I knew my feet were still there was the fact that I was standing – more or less – somewhat upright. It was at that point that Chen said he had to go, but would see me tomorrow. (In mystery novels this is known as “foreshadowing” – when the author hints at something terrible that will happen later in the book.)

As I still had a half-hour to go, I continued to slowly stagger around the walking track – until I heard a faint clop…clop…clop. It was eerily similar to Poe’s tintinnabulation of the bells, bells, bells, and it was getting louder - CLOP…CLOP…CLOP. I turned to look behind me and was horrified to realize that I was about to be passed by a little old lady using a three-legged walker. I could just sit down and cry!

Day 5 (con’t) Ashore in Castries

This is our first visit to St. Lucia and we have been looking forward to visiting this island.
On our tour we discover a delightful island that is lush, green, and beautiful, and we are most impressed by the justifiably famous geographical landmark on St. Lucia - the Pitons – two closely set conical mountains that most closely resemble a very impressive pair of… ah, that is to say they look like a big set of, ah…well they appear to be two huge, ah … Look, just picture Madonna lying on her back during her “Blonde Ambition” days and you’ll get the idea. As we admire these stunning, ah, landmarks, I can’t help but wonder what Christopher Columbus, who had a tendency to name islands after female attributes (Virgin Gorda), would have named St. Lucia if he had sailed by.

It seemed almost fitting (almost) that our bedtime serenade from the Disco this evening was “You Sexy Thing (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C61olIkvoks)” by Hot Chocolate.

Day 6 - Bridgetown, Barbados

In Barbados I suggested to SailorJill that we rent a Hobie and try our hand at sailing. She was a little nervous about trying as we had never sailed before…but how hard can it be. I mean, you raise the sail, sit in the back of the boat with that little wooden rudder thing and twist it in the direction you want to turn – after all, I pointed out, I am “Sailor” Jack. As this did not appear to calm her, I agreed to her suggestion that we at least ask for a little instruction before we take it out.

At the boat rental place, the rental agent, upon hearing that we were new at sailing, said a Hobie might be a little too much boat for us at this time and suggested that we try a little 14-foot daysailer instead. “Great,” I said, “I’m sure I can handle it, but SailorJill here would sure appreciate it if you could you give her a few pointers.”

“Sure thing – it is really quite simple. When you’re off the beach, turn the bow into the wind, pull the halyard to raise the sheet until the luff is tight and tie it off on the clam cleat. Then port your helm until you are heeling and keep the wind to the whether side until you are out of the marina. Once out in open water, run with a broad reach and when returning simply keep it close hauled. When tacking, watch the boom on your jibes and if the wind picks up simply reef the boat. If you start to heel more than 20 degrees, just break the main until you recover. Its so easy a caveman can do it!”

After considering his comments for a moment, I turned to SailorJill and said, “Perhaps you would be more comfortable going to the rum factory”?

So off to the rum factory it was, which actually turned out to be rather fun. One of the features of the tour was the ability to smell the rum at each of its distilling steps. Of course, the warning not to inhale too deeply was widely disregarded by all and, as a result, most of us were feeling really, really good before we ever reached the tasting room. The tour we signed up for was the “Cocktail Tour” which was the same as the regular tour - until the tours reached the tasting room. After we tasted a sampling of rums the amateurs on the regular tour were escorted out of the room and the remaining patrons turned to the serious business of making rum cocktails.

Under the supervision of a trained mixologist, couples were to compete to make the best (and strongest) cocktails using any one of the rums on display - and then we were to all try each cocktail and vote for the winner – upon which prizes would be awarded. At least that was what was supposed to happen. Whether it actually happened or not I haven’t a clue, as I have only a limited recollection of events after drinking the first cocktail, the Funky Monkey – a 74 proof cocktail. I assume I had a really good time because on the way back to the ship I noticed that my t-shirt was on backwards and I had a fuzzy stuffed monkey hanging around my neck. Upon repeated questioning, SailorJill would only smile and grip her camera a little tighter.

Day 7 – Fort-de-France, Martinique

Dinner

One of the benefits of taking a cruise is the opportunity to sample and experiment with unfamiliar cuisines. And the variety of menu items (and the quality as well!) on the Noordam certainly provided such moments. At dinner tonight I ordered something called “calamari” and found it to have a most unusual, but intriguing, texture. Dorothea (one of our tablemates from Vermont) took quick (and perverse) delight in telling me that calamari was actually squid! Thurston (no relation to Howell), who was a biology professor at Yale, and perhaps sensing some queasiness on my part, explained that calamari was a delicacy enjoyed among many Caribbean and Mediterranean cultures. “ It is a member of the cephalopod family – along with cuttlefish and octopus. And, based on my previous sailings on HAL, I think you will have the opportunity to sample a variety of all three dishes before the cruise is over. Unless I miss my bet,” he said, “the ship has an ample supply of these cephalopods stored down below.”

Eager to contribute to the conversation (and to prove that I was not quite as naive as it might appear), I turned to the group and announced, “ And I understand that there are some tasty azipods down below also.” From the blank stares I received, I could tell that they were as unfamiliar with azipods as was I. (Note to self: look up “azipod” when back in Atlanta)

Day 9 – Cruising the Caribbean

I don’t know anyone who goes on a cruise and does not spend some time in the gallery shops, and that is certainly true for us. SailorJill loves to shop and the galleries have all sorts of unexpected knickknacks for souvenirs. So today we made our obligatory swing through the shops and picked up our assortment of t-shirts and cruise mementos. As we were standing in line to pay I casually glanced at the selection of “impulse” purchase items that are always lined up at the register area. And there, unbelievably, among the key chains, chewing gums, and candy bars was a …Clearblue Easy Digital Pregnancy Test kit!

I mean, a pregnancy test kit as an impulse buy? (“Oh look, a pregnancy test kit! I think I’ll just pick one up!”) Ok, maybe on a Carnival ship during spring break, but on the Noordam? Has anyone at HAL looked at the ship’s demographics – or considered the product’s potential impact on an otherwise carefree cruise experience?

In a survey run by a well know online cruise site, a survey revealed that the five most dreaded announcements on a cruise ship were:

5. “The ship has run out of beer.”
4. “Report to your muster stations for life boat drill.”
3. “We are experiencing a severe outbreak of Norovirus.”
2. “We have just struck a really big iceberg.”
1. “Honey, I’m pregnant!”

As the gallery clerk was swiping our Seapass card, I mention the test kit to her. “I know,” she said, “we have been getting some really strange stock in lately. I think maybe the ship is going to have a Cougar cruise.” I glanced over at SailorJill, “You don’t want to know,” she said. (Note to self: Look up Cougar Cruise).

Day 10 - Half Moon Cay

We are at HAL’s private island – often cited as the best private island of any cruise line; and, as we stand on deck during our approach to the Cay, the view would certainly seem to back up that claim. The water is a clear sparkling aquamarine and the sandy beach is as white as freshly spun sugar.

Half Moon Cay is one of those ports that requires a tender to get ashore, and not surprisingly, these boats apparently have Dutch names. The one we took to the pier was called the Lluvme (and the one we had on the return was named Chekken). Anyway, after a brief wait we were able to board the Lluvme tender and take the short ride to the pier. Once ashore we found that there were several options as to where we could spread out our stuff and hang out for the day. We could select a simple reclining lounger at no charge, or we could upgrade to:

1. A “Clamshell Lounger”. The clamshell basically resembles a baby buggy on steroids. Not only does it provide a comfortable lounge while working on one’s tan, but by pulling the clamshell down, it converts into a portable oven - capable of baking both sleeping loungers and unleavened bread. It is relatively inexpensive and certainly far cheaper than using the Sauna in the ship’s Spa. People who spend a day in a clamshell have been known to go home and cancel their subscription to Weight Watchers.

2. A Cabana. Cabana, I think, is Spanish for “tiny three-walled hut”. They are designed, I believe, primarily for people who have suites onboard the ship, but who want to get a feel for what it might be like to cruise in a regular size stateroom. To make the experience even more realistic, the cost of renting the cabana for the day is approximately the same as the cost for a stateroom. The cabanas are, however, muy cool! In keeping with the carefree Latin flavor of the sunny Caribbean, each cabana has a really unique Spanish name, like Casa de la Playa (“Mauve” in English) and Hacienda de la Margarita (Terra Cotta” in English). Once home, your discussions regarding your cruise will sound so much more exotic when using the Spanish translation: e.g. “When visiting Half Moon Cay we spent an absolutely fabulous day in Hacienda de la Margarita.” So much better than saying “we spent a day in Mauve.”

3. And then there is La Cabana Grande – the Grand Cabana! Strategically situated on a rocky promontory overlooking the graceful curve of the bay, it was apparently built when the island’s budget was nearing depletion, as it has no walls; but it does feature some great amenities. For instance, if one just can’t get warm enough while spread out in a clamshell in 98-degree weather, one can climb into a hot tub that is roughly the size of my backyard pool. Or, you can just stretch out in a shaded hammock, gaze out over the Cay, and enjoy complimentary bar service, specialty foods, and dedicated butler service. To be honest, however, spending the day at Half Moon Cay in the Grand Cabana is really over the top and quite decadent. I can tell you one thing for certain; you won’t see me using the Grand Cabana. At least that’s what I was told the three times I tried to get in.
Fort Lauderdale

Our cruise has, regretfully, come to a close far too quickly. As we say goodbye to new acquaintances – many of whom already seem like old friends – we head for the shuttle to take us to the airport and the short hop up to Atlanta. As we sit in the airport lounge we take delight in reliving many of the great experiences we have had on this cruise. And while this was our first cruise on HAL, we both agreed, quite frankly, that once was enough…to convince us that we need to sail HAL more often. Heck, I think I may have even finally figured out what an Oosterdam is!



I haven't enjoyed a review so much in years. For those of us who have been to all these ports, you provided great laughter!!! Thank you so much.

[IRL_Joanie]

.....
Jack

LOL:)... Actually, I feel like a complete idiot for having to tell you this...but it turns out I was wrong about azipods. They are not a food! They are actually some sort of propulsion device under the ship! Who knew! It looks like it might be calamari again;)

Garlic & Rosemary Roasted Azipods

Recipe to feed 1200 (give or take 1199)

!!Special instruments required!!

Preheat oven to 1200 degrees Fahrenheit

Ingredients:

1 HAL sized Azipod cut with blow torch into 8 oz steak sized portions (Must use Blow Torch or azipod will be to tough to cut)

1 ton minced Garlic
1/2 ton butter
1/8 ton fresh chopped Rosemary
Salt and pepper to taste
a sprig or 2 of parsley for garnish

Directions:

1. Melt butter, garlic, and seasonings together.

2. Place azipod steaks in deep roasting dish and pour butter and seasoning mixture over them.

3. Place in Preheated oven for approximately 30 minutes.

Serve with parsley garnish.

Joanie

[Hollywon]

THAT...
Was one of the funniest articles I've read here.

Thanks for the good read!

[Nancyquilts]

Thanks so much for a great review. Now I have to look up all the others. Hope you and Jill go sailing again soon. Nancy

[SailorJack]

Garlic & Rosemary Roasted Azipods

Recipe to feed 1200 (give or take 1199)

!!Special instruments required!!

Preheat oven to 1200 degrees Fahrenheit

Ingredients:

1 HAL sized Azipod cut with blow torch into 8 oz steak sized portions (Must use Blow Torch or azipod will be to tough to cut)

1 ton minced Garlic
1/2 ton butter
1/8 ton fresh chopped Rosemary
Salt and pepper to taste
a sprig or 2 of parsley for garnish

Directions:

1. Melt butter, garlic, and seasonings together.

2. Place azipod steaks in deep roasting dish and pour butter and seasoning mixture over them.

3. Place in Preheated oven for approximately 30 minutes.

Serve with parsley garnish.

Joanie

LOL:D:D Very imaginative...wish I had thought of it.;)

[Love the beach]

Loved it!! Wonderful way with words! And... thank you for the heads up about St. Randomdam...... I'd better start praying!
Marge

[dulcetto]

Hi Sailor Jack

Thanks for the funny review,going on our first cruise next August and you have really whetted our appetite,sounds like the Dams are great ships with fun people,so looking forward to it,thanks again

:D:D:D:D:D:D

[RuthC]

Reading your review---worth disembarking for! This was great.

[retiring soon]

Sailor Jack,
I just came back from my cruise on the Freedom of the Seas & was wondering how your Nov 1 cruise turned out. Sounds like you had a great time & have written another fab review. HAL is a great cruise line!
Any ideas of where your next cruise will take you?
How about Celebrity Infinity Alaska May 10?;)
Thanks again for a great LOL!
~Jo~ :)

[diann744]

Marvelous! I enjoyed every moment of it! :D

[christy744]

I'll refuse to disembark unless they take me off in the "Lluveme" tender or the "Chekken" tender. :-) Very, very funny review. Thanks.

[SailorJack]

Sailor Jack,
I just came back from my cruise on the Freedom of the Seas & was wondering how your Nov 1 cruise turned out. Sounds like you had a great time & have written another fab review. HAL is a great cruise line!
Any ideas of where your next cruise will take you?
How about Celebrity Infinity Alaska May 10?;)
Thanks again for a great LOL!
~Jo~ :)

Jo - thanks for your comments. We have not booked our next cruise yet, but SailorJill wants to cruise the Mediterranean so we are looking at sailings on the Eurodam or the Brilliance of the Seas.

Sounds like you are getting ready for an Alaskan cruise. We have not done one of those, but I hear the views are fantastic...enjoy.

Jack


I'll refuse to disembark unless they take me off in the "Lluveme" tender or the "Chekken" tender. :-) Very, very funny review. Thanks.

I couldn't resist the obvious puns :)...thanks for your kind words.

[7leagueboots]

I usually don't visit the Hal boards, but a good friend who knows I follow your reviews sent me this link:) I didn't realize HAL could be so much fun! What sailing are you looking at on the Brilliance?

[ekerr19]

This was hilarious. :)

Thanks so much for making my morning. :cool:

[SailorJack]

I usually don't visit the Hal boards, but a good friend who knows I follow your reviews sent me this link:) I didn't realize HAL could be so much fun! What sailing are you looking at on the Brilliance?

Good to hear from you again.:) While we haven't firmed anything up yet, we are looking at the Brilliance for its May 3 cruise out of Barcelona. We usually don't book a cruise until a couple of months from sail date - so we probably won't be booking anything until late February or early May.

As you know, we sailed the Brilliance several years ago and fell in love with the ship. That said, we have been impressed with HAL and wouldn't mind sailing on another HAL ship in order to compare it to the Noordam.


Happy Sailing,

Jack

[PalmBeachMom]

I have been away from the Boards for a few weeks so just read your review and was ready to do battle based on your title! Fabulous, funny review and I was happy to see that you "get" what is special about Holland America Line.
I have never had a bad experience on HAL ... but you always have to keep a sense of humor when cruising and you do that beautifully. Thanks for the treat.

[Jaffa Steve]

Nice, a review written as well as any good book!!!!!!!

[Cruisin Suzin]

This was the best cruise review I have ever read...it made me laugh out loud, I snorted I'm sure...thanks for sharing and writing this...

[Adri204]

I love your reviews. That was helerious. I loved all of it but my favorite was how the girls had to put thier tops on layaway lmoa snort. I love all of it please keep entertaining us. Your reviews are awesome and Sailor Jill seems to be a great sport as well lol :).

Adri :)

[Kipling]

I thought it was helerious too!
Excellent!

[SailorJack]

I love your reviews. That was helerious. I loved all of it but my favorite was how the girls had to put thier tops on layaway lmoa snort. I love all of it please keep entertaining us. Your reviews are awesome and Sailor Jill seems to be a great sport as well lol :).

Adri :)

Thanks..glad you enjoyed it. Here is a picture of Orient Beach. SailorJill would not let me take any pictures of the poor girls who were forced to use lay-a-way, but the beach was gorgeous also.:)

http://inlinethumb34.webshots.com/45217/2686334160106582660S600x600Q85.jpg (http://travel.webshots.com/photo/2686334160106582660ZshvZE)

[venicecruiser]

Sailor Jack -

Your review has got to be one of the funniest things I have ever read!!:D


Claudia

[HALFans]

While I read this review I kept thinking, OMG, Robert Heinlein is alive and sailing on HAL!

Thanks for the wonderfully informative and entertaining review.

[SailorJack]

While I read this review I kept thinking, OMG, Robert Heinlein is alive and sailing on HAL!

Thanks for the wonderfully informative and entertaining review.

Thanks! But you flatter me with the reference to one of my favorite authors:).

__________________________________________________ ___________________________

Thanks also to Claudia, Jaffa Steve, Cruzin Suzin and Kipling for your gracious comments.

P.S. Adri: I forgot to mention that I passed along your comment to SailorJill about being a good sport. She just rolled her eyes and said something about having a cross to bear... or words to that effect.:eek:

Our next cruise is in October on the Star Princess - assuming that there is enought to write about, it will be our second "review" of the Star.

[RevNeal]

I must have missed this last November because I was aboard the Rotterdam when it came out.
Wow! What a GREAT review! A true delight to read! Thanks!

I agree ... reminds me of my favorite author, Robert A. Heinlein ... humor, clarity, turns of phrase, and painting broad pictures. Having taken that cruise before, I relived it by reading this review. Excellent!

Do you REALLY get up at 4 am to walk the Promenade??

[SailorJack]

I must have missed this last November because I was aboard the Rotterdam when it came out.
Wow! What a GREAT review! A true delight to read! Thanks!

I agree ... reminds me of my favorite author, Robert A. Heinlein ... humor, clarity, turns of phrase, and painting broad pictures. Having taken that cruise before, I relived it by reading this review. Excellent!

Do you REALLY get up at 4 am to walk the Promenade??

RevNeal, good to hear from you. Thanks for your comments. I also want to mention how memorable was the comment you left on this board several years ago regarding my Dream/Nightmare review. I am sure you have long forgotten it, but obviously I have not. It sort of made the review worthwhile and put a lot of things in perspective.

And, yes, I really do get up that early. At home I am normally up around 4:30, but as the time zones slip away I am up by 3:00 and walking by 4:00. Of course I am in bed right after lunch.:D:D

[RevNeal]

RevNeal, good to hear from you. Thanks for your comments. I also want to mention how memorable was the comment you left on this board several years ago regarding my Dream/Nightmare review. I am sure you have long forgotten it, but obviously I have not. It sort of made the review worthwhile and put a lot of things in perspective.

I must be getting old, because I simply don't remember the comment. I'm pleased you do! :D Could you refresh my memory?

[510picker]

Simply awesome!

[GoldenLover]

I'm pretty sure this "SailorJack " guy is actually Garrison Keillor. Nice try - you can't fool a fan!:rolleyes:

[SailorJack]

I must be getting old, because I simply don't remember the comment. I'm pleased you do! :D Could you refresh my memory?


I am a little reluctant to post this as I don't want to bring back unpleasant memories, but this is what you wrote:

"The first Christmas after the death of a parent is often the hardest. This was true for me this year. However, reading this review this evening has caused me to laugh out loud and has brought a great big smile to my face.

THANK YOU for linking us to it! It made my blue Christmas a little less blue."

__________________________________________________ ______________

I can tell you, your comment made my Christmas a little more meaningful.

[Lizzie1213]

Your review is hilarious!

[serendipity1499]

Oh My...:D SailorJack, What a wonderful review..

We were on the Statendam last Nov. & missed this..We're booked on the Noordam this Nov..:eek:

Have to admit the title caught my eye & I was prepared to hear the worst! After reading more & more, I half expected the shoe to drop & find out what might have set you off & "Once was enough" :eek:

Instead, Can't stop giggling & have downloaded your review into WORD. (all 12 pages of it, after increasing the font size)....

Saving, it for DH to read as we get closer to our Nov. Cruise..Sent it to Friends who will also be on the Noordam this Nov. with us & sending it to other Friends who travel with HAL quite often..

What a wonderful, funny & gifted writer, you are!...Do you write for a living? You should send this review into a Cruise Magazine...Hope to see many more HAL reviews from you..

Thanks for sharing you Noordam experience with us..

Cheers....:)Betty

[Mcscotty]

Day 1 – Fort Lauderdale

This will be our first cruise on Holland America and, to be perfectly honest with you, we are really not quite sure about what to expect. For one thing, Holland America ships have really funny names. Maybe “funny” is the wrong word…”strange” may be more apropos. The name of the ship that we are booked on is the “Noordam.” This is not a word one uses everyday and you can’t find the word in any dictionary, but as best as I can figure, it is a Dutch word that is sort of idiomatic for “unsociable”…as in “it’s none of Noordam business.” Another unusual name that we have heard about on HAL is something called a “Hunky Dory” – of which we have no idea - except that it may be Dutch for “Lifeboat.” Obviously, sailing on a HAL ship will pose a language challenge, but as long as the menus have English translations we think we will be OK. Why did we select HAL? Based on the ports we wanted to visit and the timing, it was either the Noordam or the Oasis of the Seas. In the end, we liked the size of the Noordam…as opposed to the Oasis, which will be so big that it will probably be applying for statehood.

We were also a little curious about the people who regularly cruised on HAL ships, but more on that later.

Day 1 – Ft. Lauderdale

Our boarding process was delayed by about at hour as the crew had to do a deep cleaning as a result of a virus outbreak on the previous cruise, and, in turn, the deep cleaning process was held up as most of the crew that was to do the cleaning was being held at customs and immigration. Not an auspicious start, but the Noordam crew handled the delay very professionally and we were safely tucked away in our stateroom by 12:30.

Our stateroom had a delightful balcony that was on the starboard side of the ship and afforded us a bird’s eye view of the magnificent intercoastal waterway – which was alive with boats, personal watercraft, and yachts of every size and make – all cruising up and down the waterway on a glorious see and be seen Sunday afternoon. So as SailorJill stowed our gear, I made a tall rum and coke and adjourned to the balcony to enjoy the maritime parade.

I would like to think that HAL arranged the girl just for me, but I think I was just plain lucky – you know, being in the right place at the right time. I actually heard her boat coming before I could see it – with the strong, sensual salsa beat rising up from the water below. Then the boat emerged from the shadows and slowly sailed past our stateroom – and there she was. She was twenty-something, tanned with long blonde hair, and she was wearing a tiny red string bikini. And her legs – well, lets just say they reached all the way down to the ground (or the deck, in this case). She was holding onto one of the aluminum poles that supported the boat’s canopy and she was doing the most suggestive and exotic pole dance that I have ever witnessed. Well not actually “witnessed”, more like “heard about” – at least that is how I explained it all to SailorJill. Quite frankly, up until this moment in time I never knew that hips could actually move like that.

It may have been my imagination, but I sensed that the Noordam actually listed a few degrees to starboard as people gathered to watch the boat drift by. As I later mentioned to SailorJill, one can only imagine how mortified that poor girl would have been had she known that her private dance had been inadvertently witnessed by the crew and passengers of the Noordam, the Westerdam, and Carnival’s Victory!

In retrospect, I may have described the dance a little to vividly to SailorJill, because when I suggested that pole dance classes might be a fun way for her to exercise and drop a few pounds, I found myself unpacking my own bags while she sat on the balcony with a rum and coke. I’m sure that the few times she whooped and hollered at the brazen, steroid gulping, muscle-bound, exhibitionist, Speedo clad playboys sailing by was all in fun and had nothing to do with payback.

Later, after the dreaded and obligatory lifeboat drill, we went up to deck 10 and stumbled across a cruise critic group that was conducting something called a “Banner Wave.” The event, which was entirely new to us, was organized by a delightful lady I shall (to protect the innocent) refer to as “Lynda.” The objective was to unfurl a banner as we passed by a shore based webcam and shout tidings of great joy. At the appointed time, “Lynda” thrust a large plastic banner into our hands and instructed us to unfurl it and hang it over the side of the ship.

At first this seemed rather innocuous and we dangled the banner over the railing as instructed and waved wildly at the camera. Then, in one of those life-altering moments, a priest – a man of the cloth – walked up to us and inquired as to what message was on the sign. SailorJill and I stared at each other blankly. In our excitement to be a part of what we innocently assumed to be a hallowed HAL tradition neither one of us had taken the time to actually read the banner. I turned to ask “Lynda” about the banner, but she had apparently moved far enough down the side of the ship so as to maintain plausible deniability. I had no answer for the priest!

“My God,” I thought. What if the sign says something like “The Devil wears Prada,” or “For a real good time, call 1-800-Hot Babe,” or “Free the Guantanamo 200” – or worse! It was at that moment that someone mentioned that this being a major international seaport, perhaps the camera had facial recognition software.

“You’ve got to be kidding,” I said.
“You have nothing to worry about unless you are wanted for a serious felony” he responded.
“Define serious felony!”

I could only hope that “serious felony” did not include taking one of the ship’s shower curtains, writing some possibly scurrilous message on it and dangling it over the side of the ship in the middle of an active international waterway – because apparently that is exactly what we were doing. I couldn’t even drop the damning thing into the ocean as a sign on the railing clearly stated, “Throwing things overboard is strictly prohibited.” So there we stood – staring stupidly into a live webshot and holding onto what undoubtedly would come to be known as “peoples exhibit number one, your honor.” I just knew that when we returned to Florida Horatio Cain and whole CSI team would be there waiting to seize the banner, which by now was covered with my fingerprints, DNA, clothing fibers – and for all I knew, GSR.

As I stood there in the gathering darkness wondering how I get into these situations, the Noordam, like a receding evening ebb tide, slowly slipped out of the harbor and into the welcoming embrace of the warm Caribbean.

Eager to enjoy what few remaining days of freedom we may still have, we return the banner (still unread) to “Lynda” and return to our stateroom to prepare for dinner. One of the little idiosyncrasies we had discovered in our stateroom was the fact that our toilette suffered from Anti-flush Syndrome. When one pushed the button nothing happened. After each use, SailorJill would call the front desk, who in turn would call Engineering, who in turn would send up an Engineer to our hallway, who in turn would remove a plate in the wall and turn a small valve – and, in turn, we would be rewarded with a welcome swooosh.

As we were dressing for dinner, SailorJill said it was my turn to call. I started to object, but thought better of it and picked up the phone.

“Hello, this is room 1133.”
“You’ve used the toilette again!”
“I’m sorry.”
“We are working on the problem sir, and Engineering has suggested a possible solution until the problem can be fixed. They will send a technician up to your room at 8:00 AM, 1:00 PM and 8:00 PM. If you can time your use of the toilette for those times you won’t have to make anymore of these calls. This has happened before and they call this their “No rush to flush” program.”

However, I am happy to report that the problem was fixed later that night and we never had to implement “no rush to flush.” Which was just as well, as I didn’t have the nerve to explain it to SailorJill face-to-face. I had planned on going up to the Ocean Bar and explain it to her over the phone.

The other concern SailorJill had about our stateroom was the fact that it was directly opposite the elevators – fearing that the operation of the elevators would keep her awake. But as we returned from dinner and the show later that night we found that concern to be completely unfounded. The music from the Disco completely drowned out the noise from the elevators.

So our first exciting day ended not with a bang (although that may have been preferable), but to the strains of “Give Up the Funk (Tear the Roof Off the Sucker (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UypeE3zTwBs))” by Parliament.

Day 2 – Cruising the Caribbean

This is our first of three sea days that we will have on this cruise and, as there was not a cloud in the sky, SailorJill and I decide to spend a few hours before lunch working on our tans. As we were relaxing poolside, I was somewhat startled to realize that there must be an Ashram somewhere on the Noordam when I noticed a man and a woman wearing flowing white robes walk by and select two chaise lounges just in front of us. Without looking up from her book (Blood and Ice by Robert Masello, if you must know), SailorJill said, “There is no Ashram, Jack. Those are bathrobes provided by the ship.” OK, but who in their right mind walks around in public wearing a bathrobe? At first I thought they must be from Alabama, but then I noticed that they both had shoes and were carrying books (and on reflection, if they were from Alabama they would have probably been wearing their Snuggies). Well then, they must be French. I held my breath as they laid out their things on the chaise and took off their robes… but they were both wearing bathing suits. Ok, they weren’t French.

After adjusting their chaises, putting on their oversized sunglasses, and applying the appropriate amount of lotion, the lady turned to the gentleman and said:

“Biff, the sun is on the wrong side of the ship,”
“Clarise, darling, these were the only available chaises.”
“Well, Biff darling, I’m sure someone over there would be happy to trade with us.”
“I already asked several people to move and they wouldn’t do it”
“Well, then, have Bentley call the Captain. Tell him to turn the ship or something. This certainly will not do! I want to be in the sun.”
“Bentley is not with us on this trip. Remember, you let him go because he couldn’t get customer service to move out the couple who had reserved the Penthouse Suite so we could have it.”

Ok, mystery solved…they were from California.

As much as we are enjoying the ambiance around the pool, our Meet and Greet is scheduled for 12:00 o’clock, so we retire to our stateroom to shower and change. I’m wearing my new HAL polo shirt, khaki shorts and Sperry topsiders. SailorJill is wearing her hair down to her waist, a jeweled headband, a see-through veil, a beaded low-cut sequined bra, a hip hugging floor length organza skirt slit up to the hip on both sides, a tiny silver bell navel piercing, and jingly anklets and toe rings on her bare feet. Oops, sorry, that’s actually my newest screen saver. SailorJill is wearing shorts, sandals, and her “ My Daughter Married an Idiot” t-shirt – a gift from her mother on the occasion of our third wedding anniversary.

Needless to say, the meet and greet came as a complete surprise. Based on the people we met, Holland America Lines (HAL) cruisers are, well, lets be totally honest here… they aren’t your typical cruisers. Based on (now erroneous) previous perceptions, I had expected to find a sedate crowd; satisfied to sit on deck in their teak lounge chaises, wrapped in warm, wool blankets, and reading well worn, leather bound copies of Agatha Christie. What I actually found was an eclectic group of rather dynamic people who refer to themselves as HALraisers (some of whom, I suspect, were no strangers to HALucinogenics).


We found that HAL passengers are also well traveled and quite worldly in their outlook, but I also couldn’t help but notice that they appear to be both somewhat frugal and pious. A great number of them purchase guarantee cabins and then spend the ensuing months lighting candles and praying furiously to Saint Randomdam - the fickle patron saint of upgrades – for a bump to a higher category of stateroom. I don’t understand why otherwise rational people would do something this silly. (Quite frankly, for the amount of
money SailorJill and I spent on candles we probably could have just gone ahead and booked a suite – and maybe even saved a few bucks.)

We even met one couple that had prayed especially hard for an upgrade because their guarantee cabin was at the back end of the boat and they were concerned about noise keeping them up at night. “ I think the azipods are directly underneath our cabin,” they surmised. As I was completely unaware of what an azipod was, the best I could do was commiserate with them and express my hope that their situation would improve. Like us, they probably didn’t use the right kind of candles (we have since learned that scented ones work best).

Later, after dinner, we made our way up to the Vista Lounge to catch a production by the Noordam Singers and Dancers entitled “If Walls Could Rock.” While I don’t think I have ever written about a ship’s entertainment before, I would be remiss if I didn’t comment on this evening’s show.

The production had a romantic storyline, the singing and vocals were way above average, the set designs were both innovative and imaginative, costumes were colorful and sassy, and the choreography was quite simply outstanding – bold and energetic. When all of this was put together the result was simply the best stage production I have seen on a cruise ship.

It was a perfect ending to our second day and we retired to our stateroom and eventually fell asleep to the driving beat of “Funky Town (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M8J6GXL7IKI)” by Lipps, Inc., which were drifting down from the Disco.

Day 3 – Still Cruising the Caribbean

One of the incentives my travel agent offered when I booked this cruise was a HAL coupon book. I have received these from other cruise lines and have never found one that I could actually use. They usually require that you spend a lot of money to get some small benefit like “Buy 20 drinks on a Sea Day and the 21st drink is half price!” But, in looking through the HAL coupon book, I was thunderstruck with what I had been missing all these years by cruising with other cruise lines. There, in the middle of what has to be the greatest coupon book in the world, was a coupon good for (be still my beating heart) a “Free Spanking with SeaSalt Body Rub”. As this was a sea day with no port call, and as I was in good need of a, ah, SeaSalt body rub, I clipped the coupon and presented it to the lady in the Spa. Not only was she cute, but she was wearing a uniform – not leather – but still a uniform! Cruising doesn’t get much better than this! Although this is my first HAL cruise, I figure that if I cash in my IRA I could have my 50-day pin by Christmas.

You can imagine, then, my profound dismay when it was pointed out that the coupon did not say “Free Spanking”, but “Free Spankie” – which is a type of ladies control top athletic short. As the entire Spa staff was now staring at me in various stages of disbelief, I felt a desperate need for a strategic retreat and a cold beer more than a body rub, so I mumbled something about remembering another appointment and headed for the Pinnacle Bar – where SailorJill expected to find me in the first place. I don’t know how I get myself into these situations, but add the Noordam Spa to the list of public rooms (along with the gallery shop on the Jewel of the Seas and the Disco on the Dream) in which discretion will keep me from ever entering again. Oh, well, I’m sure lots of other cruisers have found themselves in similar contretemps.

Day 4 – Philipsburg, St. Maarten

This is our first port-of-call and the day is glorious. Going ashore we find a tour guide and for $20 take a 3-hour tour of the island. St. Maartin is reminiscent of a Tale of Two Cities – or, in this case, a tale of two countries. The Dutch side of this island is bustling with new development and is the economic engine of the island. The French side, however, has a quiet malaise to it. On the surface it seemed alive with tourists, but walk a few blocks from the tourist district in Marigot (the capitol of the French side) and there are signs of deterioration everywhere.

The dichotomy of all of this was exemplified by our visit to the fabulous Orient Beach. Signs of great wealth were manifested by the fleets of expensive jet boats skimming across the turquoise waters, the laugher from people floating high above the water in parasails, and the rows of opulent condos lining the hills surrounding the beach.

On the other hand, signs of desperate poverty were amply illustrated by the number of girls on the beach who obviously could not even afford to buy both pieces of their bikinis. One can almost picture these poor girls taking what little money they had managed to scrape together and going to the bikini store just to find out that they could only afford the bottom half and that the top half would have to be put on lay-a-way!

I knew I was getting overly worked up over the injustice of it all when SailorJill said, “Jack, we are on the FRENCH side of the island.” I was on the verge of saying, “And your point is…?” when it dawned on me what she had just implied. These girls were deliberately not wearing the top part of their bikini! As I viewed the scene (from behind a nice pair of dark sunglasses) I could see that they were actually quite at ease with no covering over their, ah, pitons, and were not poor at all!

Maybe the French side was not that bad off after all.

After our tour we went back to Phillipsburg to relax and have a cold beverage before returning to the ship. As we walked down the boardwalk, a slow smile spread across SailorJill’s face as we passed Mama Chang’s Bamboo Bar. “No!” I said, “Absolutely not!” Not six months ago we had visited this establishment and the results had not been pretty.

On our Transatlantic cruise on the Vision of the Seas we had stopped in Philipsburg and while walking along the boardwalk had spotted Mama Chang’s sign advertising “Carib and Red Stripe Beer – 99¢.” But because of a previous misunderstanding with the manager of the Green Iguana (just down the boardwalk), I was going to check with Mama Chang on pricing before committing myself – which led to the following exchange:

“How much for a Carib beer, please”?
“Two dollah.”
“But your sign says 99 cents.”
“That outside price. In here, two dallah.”
“You mean if I step back onto the deck and place an order it’s 99 cents”?
“That right.”

Well that was a no-brainer. I took two steps backward and ordered two Carib’s - and a glass for SailorJill.

“No glass! You buy beer for 99 cent and expect me to pay someone to wash glass? No glass!”
“I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking.”
“You bet you no think. You too cheap to bring nice lady into bah and pay two dallah for beer in glass! Say, what you name”?

Before I could stop myself, I had blurted out the awful truth.

“Hah! I knew it! You Scottish! I bet you have first dallah you ever make. How nice lady get you to buy cruise”? Then answering her own question she yells, “Hah, you so cheap you prob’ly buy Guarantee cruise! You some cheap guy – no deserve nice lady.”

Not only could I not believe that this was happening, but there is no way I was going to come out of that looking good. Grabbing SailorJill’s hand we turned to flee, but found our way blocked by a street merchant who wanted to sell me a T-shirt that read “St. Maarten – the Friendly Island.”

Now, only six months later, SailorJill wants me to once again face Mama Chang. “Come on Jack, it will be fun to have a beer inside this time, besides, after six months nobody will remember us.” (In mystery novels this is known as “foreshadowing” – when the author hints at something terrible that will happen later in the book.)

Bowing to the inevitable, I escort SailorJill to a table inside Mama Chang’s Bamboo Bar. As we take a seat Mama Chang comes over to take our order. Peering at me over the top of her black horn-rimmed glasses, she asks, “What you want”? Casually glancing up, I speak to Mama Chang: “Two Carib’s, please.”

“You win lottery or maybe rob bank”?
“Huh”? I had a dreadful premonition about this.
“You got extra dollah this time to get nice lady beer in glass”?
“You remember me!” This just can’t be happening. I mean, it has been six months since we were last here! By now, the bar’s other patrons were turning to look. I think it was the “rob bank” that got their attention. I recognize several people from the ship and give them my best carefree wave.
“Hah! Remember nice lady who had to sit in hot sun to drink 99-cent beer out of can - you… you easy guy to forget.”

Before I could think of an appropriate response (or crawl under the table), Mama Chang broke out in a broad smile. “Hah! You leave big tip and next time I forget I ever see you.”

While I have no intention of ever coming back here again, I leave a HUGE tip – as a precaution.

Day 5 – Castries, St. Lucia

Early Morning

I have always been an early riser and for exercise I like to walk – a lot. I am usually on the walking track around 4:00 AM and walk till 7:00 – when SailorJill comes up on deck and we go for breakfast. It is a great time to walk – it is quiet, you have the entire deck to yourself and you can watch the ship wake up – first the security officers making their rounds, followed by the maintenance crew arriving to clean the pool and decks, then the first early risers hurrying to get that first cup of coffee, and then the early bird walkers coming up to greet the first rays of the warm morning sun.

I wouldn’t exactly say that I was a competitive walker, but I do take it rather personally when someone tries to pass me – which is why I kept a watchful eye out each morning around 5:15 for “Chinese Guy.” Deck 10 was mine from 4:00 to 5:00 and he obviously respected that – coming up on deck each day a little after 5:00.

He was of short physical stature, but in really great shape! He could do three laps to my two and his appearance each morning turned the deck into a scene from the Pit and Pendulum – where each swing around the deck brought him closer and closer to passing me. And every time he passed I had to fight the urge to stick my foot out and trip the guy.

Only my good sportsmanship and sense of fair play (and the presence of witnesses) held me back. There was little I could do but bear the ignominy of being repeatedly passed. But today, as I was completing my second lap around the deck, I looked up and my eyes sort of glazed over - as out of a red hazy mist stepped…Chinese Guy! It was 4:15 and he was breaking our unspoken covenant. I had to accept the challenge. As I pondered my strategy I heard his voice for the first time, “I follow in your footsteps,” he said. It took a second, but I realized that what he was trying to say was “I walk with you.” He was obviously making an effort to walk a little slower so, in the spirit of compromise, I made an effort to walk a little faster – whereupon he would speed up a little, forcing me to walk even faster.

This went on for a little over two interminable hours as he slowly ground me down – step by agonizing step. But, remarkably, despite some language challenges, we bonded during those two hours, exchanged e-mail addresses, and agreed to do some tours together. He actually turned out to be a nice guy, and by the end of the cruise he and his wife had become family friends!

But after two hours I was about to admit that he had won. I no longer had any feeling below my knees and the only way I knew my feet were still there was the fact that I was standing – more or less – somewhat upright. It was at that point that Chen said he had to go, but would see me tomorrow. (In mystery novels this is known as “foreshadowing” – when the author hints at something terrible that will happen later in the book.)

As I still had a half-hour to go, I continued to slowly stagger around the walking track – until I heard a faint clop…clop…clop. It was eerily similar to Poe’s tintinnabulation of the bells, bells, bells, and it was getting louder - CLOP…CLOP…CLOP. I turned to look behind me and was horrified to realize that I was about to be passed by a little old lady using a three-legged walker. I could just sit down and cry!

Day 5 (con’t) Ashore in Castries

This is our first visit to St. Lucia and we have been looking forward to visiting this island.
On our tour we discover a delightful island that is lush, green, and beautiful, and we are most impressed by the justifiably famous geographical landmark on St. Lucia - the Pitons – two closely set conical mountains that most closely resemble a very impressive pair of… ah, that is to say they look like a big set of, ah…well they appear to be two huge, ah … Look, just picture Madonna lying on her back during her “Blonde Ambition” days and you’ll get the idea. As we admire these stunning, ah, landmarks, I can’t help but wonder what Christopher Columbus, who had a tendency to name islands after female attributes (Virgin Gorda), would have named St. Lucia if he had sailed by.

It seemed almost fitting (almost) that our bedtime serenade from the Disco this evening was “You Sexy Thing (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C61olIkvoks)” by Hot Chocolate.

Day 6 - Bridgetown, Barbados

In Barbados I suggested to SailorJill that we rent a Hobie and try our hand at sailing. She was a little nervous about trying as we had never sailed before…but how hard can it be. I mean, you raise the sail, sit in the back of the boat with that little wooden rudder thing and twist it in the direction you want to turn – after all, I pointed out, I am “Sailor” Jack. As this did not appear to calm her, I agreed to her suggestion that we at least ask for a little instruction before we take it out.

At the boat rental place, the rental agent, upon hearing that we were new at sailing, said a Hobie might be a little too much boat for us at this time and suggested that we try a little 14-foot daysailer instead. “Great,” I said, “I’m sure I can handle it, but SailorJill here would sure appreciate it if you could you give her a few pointers.”

“Sure thing – it is really quite simple. When you’re off the beach, turn the bow into the wind, pull the halyard to raise the sheet until the luff is tight and tie it off on the clam cleat. Then port your helm until you are heeling and keep the wind to the whether side until you are out of the marina. Once out in open water, run with a broad reach and when returning simply keep it close hauled. When tacking, watch the boom on your jibes and if the wind picks up simply reef the boat. If you start to heel more than 20 degrees, just break the main until you recover. Its so easy a caveman can do it!”

After considering his comments for a moment, I turned to SailorJill and said, “Perhaps you would be more comfortable going to the rum factory”?

So off to the rum factory it was, which actually turned out to be rather fun. One of the features of the tour was the ability to smell the rum at each of its distilling steps. Of course, the warning not to inhale too deeply was widely disregarded by all and, as a result, most of us were feeling really, really good before we ever reached the tasting room. The tour we signed up for was the “Cocktail Tour” which was the same as the regular tour - until the tours reached the tasting room. After we tasted a sampling of rums the amateurs on the regular tour were escorted out of the room and the remaining patrons turned to the serious business of making rum cocktails.

Under the supervision of a trained mixologist, couples were to compete to make the best (and strongest) cocktails using any one of the rums on display - and then we were to all try each cocktail and vote for the winner – upon which prizes would be awarded. At least that was what was supposed to happen. Whether it actually happened or not I haven’t a clue, as I have only a limited recollection of events after drinking the first cocktail, the Funky Monkey – a 74 proof cocktail. I assume I had a really good time because on the way back to the ship I noticed that my t-shirt was on backwards and I had a fuzzy stuffed monkey hanging around my neck. Upon repeated questioning, SailorJill would only smile and grip her camera a little tighter.

Day 7 – Fort-de-France, Martinique

Dinner

One of the benefits of taking a cruise is the opportunity to sample and experiment with unfamiliar cuisines. And the variety of menu items (and the quality as well!) on the Noordam certainly provided such moments. At dinner tonight I ordered something called “calamari” and found it to have a most unusual, but intriguing, texture. Dorothea (one of our tablemates from Vermont) took quick (and perverse) delight in telling me that calamari was actually squid! Thurston (no relation to Howell), who was a biology professor at Yale, and perhaps sensing some queasiness on my part, explained that calamari was a delicacy enjoyed among many Caribbean and Mediterranean cultures. “ It is a member of the cephalopod family – along with cuttlefish and octopus. And, based on my previous sailings on HAL, I think you will have the opportunity to sample a variety of all three dishes before the cruise is over. Unless I miss my bet,” he said, “the ship has an ample supply of these cephalopods stored down below.”

Eager to contribute to the conversation (and to prove that I was not quite as naive as it might appear), I turned to the group and announced, “ And I understand that there are some tasty azipods down below also.” From the blank stares I received, I could tell that they were as unfamiliar with azipods as was I. (Note to self: look up “azipod” when back in Atlanta)

Day 9 – Cruising the Caribbean

I don’t know anyone who goes on a cruise and does not spend some time in the gallery shops, and that is certainly true for us. SailorJill loves to shop and the galleries have all sorts of unexpected knickknacks for souvenirs. So today we made our obligatory swing through the shops and picked up our assortment of t-shirts and cruise mementos. As we were standing in line to pay I casually glanced at the selection of “impulse” purchase items that are always lined up at the register area. And there, unbelievably, among the key chains, chewing gums, and candy bars was a …Clearblue Easy Digital Pregnancy Test kit!

I mean, a pregnancy test kit as an impulse buy? (“Oh look, a pregnancy test kit! I think I’ll just pick one up!”) Ok, maybe on a Carnival ship during spring break, but on the Noordam? Has anyone at HAL looked at the ship’s demographics – or considered the product’s potential impact on an otherwise carefree cruise experience?

In a survey run by a well know online cruise site, a survey revealed that the five most dreaded announcements on a cruise ship were:

5. “The ship has run out of beer.”
4. “Report to your muster stations for life boat drill.”
3. “We are experiencing a severe outbreak of Norovirus.”
2. “We have just struck a really big iceberg.”
1. “Honey, I’m pregnant!”

As the gallery clerk was swiping our Seapass card, I mention the test kit to her. “I know,” she said, “we have been getting some really strange stock in lately. I think maybe the ship is going to have a Cougar cruise.” I glanced over at SailorJill, “You don’t want to know,” she said. (Note to self: Look up Cougar Cruise).

Day 10 - Half Moon Cay

We are at HAL’s private island – often cited as the best private island of any cruise line; and, as we stand on deck during our approach to the Cay, the view would certainly seem to back up that claim. The water is a clear sparkling aquamarine and the sandy beach is as white as freshly spun sugar.

Half Moon Cay is one of those ports that requires a tender to get ashore, and not surprisingly, these boats apparently have Dutch names. The one we took to the pier was called the Lluvme (and the one we had on the return was named Chekken). Anyway, after a brief wait we were able to board the Lluvme tender and take the short ride to the pier. Once ashore we found that there were several options as to where we could spread out our stuff and hang out for the day. We could select a simple reclining lounger at no charge, or we could upgrade to:

1. A “Clamshell Lounger”. The clamshell basically resembles a baby buggy on steroids. Not only does it provide a comfortable lounge while working on one’s tan, but by pulling the clamshell down, it converts into a portable oven - capable of baking both sleeping loungers and unleavened bread. It is relatively inexpensive and certainly far cheaper than using the Sauna in the ship’s Spa. People who spend a day in a clamshell have been known to go home and cancel their subscription to Weight Watchers.

2. A Cabana. Cabana, I think, is Spanish for “tiny three-walled hut”. They are designed, I believe, primarily for people who have suites onboard the ship, but who want to get a feel for what it might be like to cruise in a regular size stateroom. To make the experience even more realistic, the cost of renting the cabana for the day is approximately the same as the cost for a stateroom. The cabanas are, however, muy cool! In keeping with the carefree Latin flavor of the sunny Caribbean, each cabana has a really unique Spanish name, like Casa de la Playa (“Mauve” in English) and Hacienda de la Margarita (Terra Cotta” in English). Once home, your discussions regarding your cruise will sound so much more exotic when using the Spanish translation: e.g. “When visiting Half Moon Cay we spent an absolutely fabulous day in Hacienda de la Margarita.” So much better than saying “we spent a day in Mauve.”

3. And then there is La Cabana Grande – the Grand Cabana! Strategically situated on a rocky promontory overlooking the graceful curve of the bay, it was apparently built when the island’s budget was nearing depletion, as it has no walls; but it does feature some great amenities. For instance, if one just can’t get warm enough while spread out in a clamshell in 98-degree weather, one can climb into a hot tub that is roughly the size of my backyard pool. Or, you can just stretch out in a shaded hammock, gaze out over the Cay, and enjoy complimentary bar service, specialty foods, and dedicated butler service. To be honest, however, spending the day at Half Moon Cay in the Grand Cabana is really over the top and quite decadent. I can tell you one thing for certain; you won’t see me using the Grand Cabana. At least that’s what I was told the three times I tried to get in.
Fort Lauderdale

Our cruise has, regretfully, come to a close far too quickly. As we say goodbye to new acquaintances – many of whom already seem like old friends – we head for the shuttle to take us to the airport and the short hop up to Atlanta. As we sit in the airport lounge we take delight in reliving many of the great experiences we have had on this cruise. And while this was our first cruise on HAL, we both agreed, quite frankly, that once was enough…to convince us that we need to sail HAL more often. Heck, I think I may have even finally figured out what an Oosterdam is!



Oh that was fabulous! I had tears running down my cheeks several times. How I'd love to be your table mate on a cruise :cool:

[azmar]

You write too well to share it only with these boards. I don't know what you do professionally, but you should attempt to get these published. I'm a retired English teacher, and have rarely seen this quality of writing from
someone who doesn't do it for a living!
Marcia

[RevNeal]

I am a little reluctant to post this as I don't want to bring back unpleasant memories, but this is what you wrote:

"The first Christmas after the death of a parent is often the hardest. This was true for me this year. However, reading this review this evening has caused me to laugh out loud and has brought a great big smile to my face.

THANK YOU for linking us to it! It made my blue Christmas a little less blue."

__________________________________________________ ______________

I can tell you, your comment made my Christmas a little more meaningful.

Oh, YES! Now I remember!
It also helped to re-read your review!
Thank you!

As for being concerned about bringing back unpleasant memories ... never fear! I remember my father with rejoicing; yes, I miss him, but he is in a MUCH better place, now, with no more pain or illness, and for that I'm thankful.

Looking back over you review I remember how much I laughed as I was reading it. It was a tonic then ... and now! Again, thank you!

[frogsgirl]

understatement I know but this review is very humerous, well done!

[hulamoon]

I think SailorJack and SailorJill should cruise more so we can read more reviews...;)

[kazu]

Hi Sailor Jack

Thanks for you're review, we are sailing on the Noordam in march.
I have yo correct you on Another unusual name that we have heard about on HAL is something called a “Hunky Dory” – of which we have no idea - except that it may be Dutch for “Lifeboat.” I live in Holland and speak dutch but in my language a Lifeboat is a "reddingsboot" and not a Hunky Dory that is not a dutch word at all.

Hunky Dory is a real person. He is famous. He greets you when you leave the dining room with the mints, ginger, etc. he is fantastic. if you ever have the pleasure to meet him, you will know. He makes you laugh as you leave the dining room. Hope he's on the Nieuw Amsterdam

Great review :D:D thank you.:D:D

[sneffles]

Yes, Virginia, there is a real Hunky Dory. He was on the Zuiderdam on our last cruise. He worked in the Lido or dining room helping serve food. He is a personable little guy and very helpful.

[SailorJack]

I think SailorJack and SailorJill should cruise more so we can read more reviews...;)

SailorJill agrees with you completely!:) We do two cruises a year - one in the spring and one in the fall, two weeks each. Jill would like to do a 7 day summer cruise, but there is just to much to do in summer. Next up: Star Princess in October.

Frogsgirl: Thanks..glad you enjoyed it.

[SailorJack]

You write too well to share it only with these boards. I don't know what you do professionally, but you should attempt to get these published. I'm a retired English teacher, and have rarely seen this quality of writing from
someone who doesn't do it for a living!
Marcia

Thnk-you for the kind words. I'm retired now, having taken early retirement several years ago - so I have plenty of time to get into trouble. I write for fun and don't know how I would handle the ins and outs of submitting manuscripts, etc. But it is a thought.:)

Thanks again.

Jack

[new salt]

I'm very late to this party but I have to say your review was one of the funniest pieces I have ever read, here or anywhere else!

Thank you!

[dadroy]

Okay, my office staff is going to love this. Having printed out your South America trip review, this will be a great refresher for them.:D

[SailorJack]

Okay, my office staff is going to love this. Having printed out your South America trip review, this will be a great refresher for them.:D


Glad you enjoyed it:) It was actually my 8th review. You can find links to the others below in my signature.

[bacm]

Awesome review!!!!

[yukongold]

You mentioned on another string that you were getting ready to do another HAL cruise in the Caribbean early next year...which one are you looking at?

[2dimples2]

I loved your review. It made me chuckle then came the outright laugh. I will go back later and read others you have submitted.

[ariawoman]

I'm glad this got moved up! I was afraid to open it as well, presuming it would be a long rant about how much HAL sucked, and well, I'm booked on my first HAL cruise this Oct so I wasn't prepared. But I clicked anyway :-)

Very glad I did. I could imagine the relay races you were having with the "chinese man" it made me laugh. You definitely have a great ability to allow the reader to "see" not only read.

Kudos to you and i look forward to more!

[Sir PMP]

With the exception of the 'Euro' dam, all HAL ships are named after existing dams in The Netherlands..

[SailorJack]

You mentioned on another string that you were getting ready to do another HAL cruise in the Caribbean early next year...which one are you looking at?

We are looking at another cruise on the Noordam - a 10 day cruise early next year to the southern Caribbean. Besides the fact that we really liked the Noordam, the itinerary takes us to several islands that we have never seen before.

I loved your review. It made me chuckle then came the outright laugh. I will go back later and read others you have submitted.

Glad you enjoyed it...thanks for your kind words.:)

[donnaw]

For another spectacular and fun review! Noordam convinced us too!

[ourfamilylovescruising]

I have never laughed so hard reading a cruise review. I think you should write a book about all your adventures with Sailor Jill it would be a best seller and then one day made into a movie.(like Marley and Me) I would be the first to buy it my husband is sick of hearing about your adventures but I can't help it they are so funny. and I hope you really think about that book!!!

[K&RCurt]

With the exception of the 'Euro' dam, all HAL ships are named after existing dams in The Netherlands..


No, they are not.

The Vista class ships, Oosterdam, Zuiderdam, Westerdam and Noordam are named after the compas points with "dam" added to the end.

[jandbatsea]

Write a book. Sell it on Amazon. I will read it on my Kindle. PLEASE! I AM BEGGING YOU.

[Sir PMP]

Noord means north in Dutch. I am pretty sure that the Vista ships are named for the points of the compass and Noordam is north. Westerdam= west, Oosterdam= east, and Zuiderdam= south.

Ye, you're correct but I am dutch and these are all dams..;)

[RuthC]

Ye, you're correct but I am dutch and these are all dams..;)
And you're trying to tell us that "Nieuw Amsterdam" (aka "New York") is also a dam in Netherlands?

[trvlcrzy]

I'm a teacher, and I must admit that I 'borrowed' your parts of your review on the "Nightmare" to teach allusion... especially the part about the glass-bottom boat to view the Argentinian Navy. The bad news: my students are too clueless to understand such sophisticated historical references!

Maybe next time, you could incorporate more contemporary rap or hip hop or Disney Channel references into your writing to help me out! I teach middle schoolers.

Thanks! Hilarious as always.

[lanikeekee]

This was the most wonderful belly laugh with tears and snorting that I have had for a very long time....I can't wait till I am on that dam ship in 47 days....thanks Sailor Jack:D:D

[SailorJack]

I have never laughed so hard reading a cruise review. I think you should write a book about all your adventures with Sailor Jill it would be a best seller and then one day made into a movie.(like Marley and Me) I would be the first to buy it my husband is sick of hearing about your adventures but I can't help it they are so funny. and I hope you really think about that book!!!

Glad you enjoyed the review, but take it easy on your poor husband.:D No book in the near future, but thanks for the thought!:)

I'm glad this got moved up! I was afraid to open it as well, presuming it would be a long rant about how much HAL sucked, and well, I'm booked on my first HAL cruise this Oct so I wasn't prepared. But I clicked anyway :-)

Very glad I did. I could imagine the relay races you were having with the "chinese man" it made me laugh. You definitely have a great ability to allow the reader to "see" not only read.

Kudos to you and i look forward to more!

I have heard before that the title was a little disconcerting, but I'm glad you opened it.:) "Chinese Guy" was a fun bit and he and I are still in touch by e-mail.

[SailorJack]

I'm a teacher, and I must admit that I 'borrowed' your parts of your review on the "Nightmare" to teach allusion... especially the part about the glass-bottom boat to view the Argentinian Navy. The bad news: my students are too clueless to understand such sophisticated historical references!

Maybe next time, you could incorporate more contemporary rap or hip hop or Disney Channel references into your writing to help me out! I teach middle schoolers.

Thanks! Hilarious as always.

I'm flattered that one of my posts actually made it into a classroom - something I had trouble with during my younger years.:D As to rap or hip hop..................:)

This was the most wonderful belly laugh with tears and snorting that I have had for a very long time....I can't wait till I am on that dam ship in 47 days....thanks Sailor Jack:D:D

I envy you your upcoming trip. We won't be saiing again until early next year. Have a good cruise.:)

[rmtravel]

Omg, i certainly will need a depends to reread this marvelous tome of yours. You must turn your very witty review into a book.
Thank you for all the laughs!
Maureen

[SailorJack]

Omg, i certainly will need a depends to reread this marvelous tome of yours. You must turn your very witty review into a book.
Thank you for all the laughs!
Maureen

Thanks, but no book.:) However, someone on another board is trying to compile the reviews into a book-like format for a Nook. Probably the closest I will come to having a book.

[Kay240]

Excellent!! Thanks for a great start to my day. I especially liked this:

We are working on the problem sir, and Engineering has suggested a possible solution until the problem can be fixed. They will send a technician up to your room at 8:00 AM, 1:00 PM and 8:00 PM. If you can time your use of the toilette for those times you won’t have to make anymore of these calls. This has happened before and they call this their “No rush to flush” program.”

:D

First, I want to say how much I enjoyed your review! Like everyone else, I expected complaints.

We really could relate to the "NO RUSH TO FLUSH" program, as we had a similar "situation" 4 or 5 years ago. I look forward to more reviews from you...maybe you could write a book and deduct the cost of the cruises as a "Business Expense". :D

[superoma]

Thanks Sailor Jack for the funniest, most well written review I have read in a long long time. I will go trolling for some of your other reviews.

I certainly hope to run into you and SailorJill on one of our DAM cruises. Any chance you might do the Auckland to Singapore in Feb 2011?

Thanks for lots of laughs,

[dmwnc1959]

I don't think I have ever read a review with so many laugh out loud, tear wiping moments as this one. Absolutely priceless contribution! Many THANKS for your brilliant insight and sense of humor. Job well done!!!

[SailorJack]

Thanks Sailor Jack for the funniest, most well written review I have read in a long long time. I will go trolling for some of your other reviews.

I certainly hope to run into you and SailorJill on one of our DAM cruises. Any chance you might do the Auckland to Singapore in Feb 2011?

Thanks for lots of laughs,

You are welcome!:D We are actually looking at a cruise that goes to Singapore - but not till later in the year. We have visited Auckland before and I know you will enjoy it.

Omg, i certainly will need a depends to reread this marvelous tome of yours. You must turn your very witty review into a book.
Thank you for all the laughs!
Maureen

No book in the works.:) Hopefully, however, another review coming in October after our cruise on the Star Princess.

First, I want to say how much I enjoyed your review! Like everyone else, I expected complaints.

We really could relate to the "NO RUSH TO FLUSH" program, as we had a similar "situation" 4 or 5 years ago. I look forward to more reviews from you...maybe you could write a book and deduct the cost of the cruises as a "Business Expense". :D


Thanks for your comments. I really never write about complaints as they always seem so small when compared with the overall enjoyment of a cruise. I like the idea of writing off my cruise expense - I will have to talk to my tax man about that. :D:D

[santanna]

Thanks, but no book.:) However, someone on another board is trying to compile the reviews into a book-like format for a Nook. Probably the closest I will come to having a book.

A rose by any other name. Well done, sir. Kudos! :D

[SailorJack]

A rose by any other name. Well done, sir. Kudos! :D

Glad you enjoyed it.:)

[klingoncruiser]

Another priceless review. I will be laughing all week about this.

[Cruizer Bill]

Good thing I wasn't drinking a beer while reading your review! I would have snorted it all over the keyboard! This should be included in the "Reviews Hall of Fame". :cool::)

[SailorJack]

Good thing I wasn't drinking a beer while reading your review! I would have snorted it all over the keyboard! This should be included in the "Reviews Hall of Fame". :cool::)

I'm glad that you didn't waste good beer!:D Thanks for your comment. I don't know if my reviews are good enough for a hall of fame (but thanks for the thought) but my review of our cruise on NCL's Dream (link in my signature) did earn a Cruise Critic "Review of the Week" award - which got my a free T-shirt.:D:D

Another priceless review. I will be laughing all week about this.

Good to hear from you again. Have a good week.:)

[Ontario Cruiser]

Hi Sailor Jack
Delightful review. We will be on the Noordam Nov 13th. I met you on the Star Princess March 2010 repositioning cruise sitting in the baby pool on the top deck. Had a long conversation with you and one thing you said which I took you up on it was to wait until after final payment date to book a cruise. Well we got back April 3rd and saw a fantastic deal to Alaska on the Millie from San Diego for 14 days April 30th. Not much time to unpack & pack again.
Maybe we will meet again sometime
Ontario Cruiser
Noordam Nov 13
Summit Feb 25, Mar 5 B2B

[Sailkeywest]

That is the funniest review of a cruise that I have ever read, lol. Please cruise more often so I can read some more! :D

[Sulo]

I'm so glad this was brought to the first CC screen again or I would probably have missed it.
I've loved your reviews Sailor Jack, and didn't realize there were actually three I hadn't read. I've printed them off, and now have the wonderful anticipation of reading through them at my leisure.

These reviews are so amazingly funny and as you know there are so many of us waiting for the next one to appear. I'm sure it wouldn't take much to take up a collection on the CC board and send you and Sailor Jill off for cruises just to keep us all amused, nay, belly laughing!!!!!

Keep them coming Sailor Jack, love them!

[SailorJack]

Hi Sailor Jack
Delightful review. We will be on the Noordam Nov 13th. I met you on the Star Princess March 2010 repositioning cruise sitting in the baby pool on the top deck. Had a long conversation with you and one thing you said which I took you up on it was to wait until after final payment date to book a cruise. Well we got back April 3rd and saw a fantastic deal to Alaska on the Millie from San Diego for 14 days April 30th. Not much time to unpack & pack again.
Maybe we will meet again sometime
Ontario Cruiser
Noordam Nov 13
Summit Feb 25, Mar 5 B2B

I remember you well..we had a delightful conversation sitting in that little pool on an extremely hot afternoon.:) Enjoy your upcoming trip on the Noordam, it is a delightful ship and we look forward to sailing on her again some time. By the way, we are back on the Star next month. I would consider it a pleasure to sail with you again!

I'm so glad this was brought to the first CC screen again or I would probably have missed it.
I've loved your reviews Sailor Jack, and didn't realize there were actually three I hadn't read. I've printed them off, and now have the wonderful anticipation of reading through them at my leisure.

These reviews are so amazingly funny and as you know there are so many of us waiting for the next one to appear. I'm sure it wouldn't take much to take up a collection on the CC board and send you and Sailor Jill off for cruises just to keep us all amused, nay, belly laughing!!!!!

Keep them coming Sailor Jack, love them!

Thank you for your kind words! Our next cruise is in about three weeks - sailing on the Star Princess for two weeks in the Eastern Mediterranean. Assuming that enough happens on the cruise to warrent a review, the next one should be coming early in November.:)

That is the funniest review of a cruise that I have ever read, lol. Please cruise more often so I can read some more! :D

Glad you enjoyed it. Links to my other 7 reviews can be found (if you haven't already) in my signature below.

[anxioustoleave]

We're sailing on HAL in January for the first time so I started reading this to see what you didn't like. What a hoot! We visited St Martin/Marrten last year and wish we'd found that bar with the $.99 beers. You have a future as a comedy writer unless, of course, you already are one.

[MardiGras316]

So glad this popped up on the front page. My family and I are taking our first HAL cruise on the Noordam for Christmas so I was interested in reading your review. At first I was put off, then I couldn't stop laughing. The "no rush to flush" part had me CRYING! And then you hit us with Parliment coming from the disco to coverup the elevator noise. PRICELESS!

[Swimmomof3]

I too want to heap some more praise on to you for your review. I had tears running down my face at several great moments - including you asking for a free spanking at the spa! I can only imagine the faces of the girls who worked there - I love it.

[Bill B]

A 'classic'... LOL.

[SailorJack]

We're sailing on HAL in January for the first time so I started reading this to see what you didn't like. What a hoot! We visited St Martin/Marrten last year and wish we'd found that bar with the $.99 beers. You have a future as a comedy writer unless, of course, you already are one.

If you ever visit St.Marrten again, it is located right on the boardwalk just across from the pier where the water taxi stops.

I too want to heap some more praise on to you for your review. I had tears running down my face at several great moments - including you asking for a free spanking at the spa! I can only imagine the faces of the girls who worked there - I love it.

Just goes to demonstrate how educational travel can be. Up until the moment the masseuse explained it to me I had never even heard of a spankie. Nor do I ever want to hear of it again.:D

So glad this popped up on the front page. My family and I are taking our first HAL cruise on the Noordam for Christmas so I was interested in reading your review. At first I was put off, then I couldn't stop laughing. The "no rush to flush" part had me CRYING! And then you hit us with Parliment coming from the disco to coverup the elevator noise. PRICELESS!

In retrospect our plumbing problem was quite funny, but there was a tense moment there when Jill realized that the toilet was not going to flush!:D

Despite our toilet and elevator experiences we enjoyed the Noordam and I know you will too. Have a great cruise.

A 'classic'... LOL.

Glad you enjoyed it, Bill.:)

[Ontario Cruiser]

Sailor Jack
Maybe we will meet again. This is our 2nd cruise on the Noordam. I thought the Star was in best condition of any ship we have been on even though she is over 10 years old. Next fall I am going to wait until just a month before cruising to book. There are a lot of deals out there this year so hopefully there will be next fall.
Have a wonderful cruise.
Ontari Cruiser

[JohnGaltny]

OMG didn't anyone else catch the LLuvme tender???

Nice job Jack.

[Cinder Again]

Every once in a while, I re-read this, just to get a good /reminder/perspective on the little "problems" that often arise on a sailing hotel...too funny!

[fountain08]

SailorJack,

As soon as I dry my eyes, I'm sending this to my cruise friends going with me on our first Dam cruise (Noor) in Jan., 2011.

Just the LLuveme and the Checken tenders would have been enough, but you added an entire short story, to my great delight.

This is prize-winning material. Whatever happens in the Cabana (mine is Baby Blue) or on the vessel itself, I will bring with me the joy of reading this post.

Please keep up the good work; any advice you may have is appreciated.

:D:D:D:cool::cool::cool:
Marcia

[SailorJack]

OMG didn't anyone else catch the LLuvme tender???

Nice job Jack.

Thanks! A nice compliment coming from someone with your writing talents.

Jack

PS... If you haven't had a chance to enjoy John's delightfully dry sense of humor you can get a sample at this review:

http://boards.cruisecritic.com/showthread.php?t=1204032&highlight=

[SailorJack]

SailorJack,

As soon as I dry my eyes, I'm sending this to my cruise friends going with me on our first Dam cruise (Noor) in Jan., 2011.

Just the LLuveme and the Checken tenders would have been enough, but you added an entire short story, to my great delight.

This is prize-winning material. Whatever happens in the Cabana (mine is Baby Blue) or on the vessel itself, I will bring with me the joy of reading this post.

Please keep up the good work; any advice you may have is appreciated.

Marcia

Glad you enjoyed the review. While we didn't have a cabana, they looked delightful. I know you will enjoy both the cabana and the beach - as well as the Noordam which is a great ship.

We will also be sailing the Caribbean in January so I hope the weather is good for both of us.

Every once in a while, I re-read this, just to get a good /reminder/perspective on the little "problems" that often arise on a sailing hotel...too funny!

Thanks! Like you, I have found that given the right context most problems turn out to be small ones.:)

Jack

[JohnGaltny]

Hey Jack,

Just re-read this review because one of my freak parade has just proposed next Feb. on No-or-dam (which I assumed was the Dutch equivalent of Truth or Dare).

The thought of travelling in a tux (practicing my scottish burr to properly say " Bond -- Gold Bond" in the casino) and spending 10 days dodging more AARPs attacks had me sipping heavy medication on the rocks.

Thank you for calming me down to the point where only my wallet is nervous and the quivering actually doesn't feel that bad.:p

[SailorJack]

Hey Jack,

Just re-read this review because one of my freak parade has just proposed next Feb. on No-or-dam (which I assumed was the Dutch equivalent of Truth or Dare).

The thought of travelling in a tux (practicing my scottish burr to properly say " Bond -- Gold Bond" in the casino) and spending 10 days dodging more AARPs attacks had me sipping heavy medication on the rocks.

Thank you for calming me down to the point where only my wallet is nervous and the quivering actually doesn't feel that bad.:p

The Noordam is a great ship -a classic cruise ship. If you had any qualms about it - lay them to rest. Service was great and it had one of the best varieties of events and activities we have seen. And you don't need a tux - a coat and tie are fine.

Enjoy.

[madera1]

Loved reading your review. You certainly have a way with words. My husband even muted the Giants/Dodgers game so I could read him some of your review. thanks again for sharing

[SailorJack]

Loved reading your review. You certainly have a way with words. My husband even muted the Giants/Dodgers game so I could read him some of your review. thanks again for sharing

Glad you enjoyed it! And muting a baseball game...unforgivable!:D:D

[edmusic]

@SailorJack I just reread your review for the third time and finally got 'Chekken tender'. Laughed out loud for the first time at a web post in many months! Thanks for your talent and creativity!

[SailorJack]

@SailorJack I just reread your review for the third time and finally got 'Chekken tender'. Laughed out loud for the first time at a web post in many months! Thanks for your talent and creativity!

Glad you found the humor in it. McNugget Tender just wouldn't a worked.:D:D

[glutenhab]

Sailor Jack = Bob Newhart?

[Ontario Cruiser]

Hi Sailor Jack
We enjoyed the Noordam last November or 2nd time on her.We are booked on the Westerdam Nov 13th & Nov 20th . We were on Celebrity Summit for 14 days in Feb then we went on the Veendam down the Amazon for 28 days March 16th. Veendam is getting very tired and needs more than the quicky drydock which was done righ after our cruise. What about you what have you been up toÉ
Ontario Cruiser:)

[CaliforniaAC]

We were with you on that cruise:D. Brought back fond memories, reading your review again! We are back on the Noordam and will visit St. Maarten Feb 16th. We will stop in and tell Mama C you said hello;)!

AC

[gaylecool]

This review was hysterical and absolutely delightful! Thanks for making my day, I am still laughing!!

[SailorJack]

This review was hysterical and absolutely delightful! Thanks for making my day, I am still laughing!!


Glad you enjoyed it! I posted a new review on the RCI board this morning for our cruise for the last two weeks on Splendour of the Seas. If you are interested, the link to the review is in my signature down below.:)

[christy744]

Thanks to whoever bumped this to the first page again. I've read it before and it is one of the all-time best reviews. I hope I have as much fun on my next cruise as I had reading this review of yours.

Thanks for the laughs (again).

Christy

[SailorJack]

We were with you on that cruise:D. Brought back fond memories, reading your review again! We are back on the Noordam and will visit St. Maarten Feb 16th. We will stop in and tell Mama C you said hello;)!

AC

ACCK! For Pete's sake, don't mention me! I am hoping time will erase that whole event from her mind.:D

The Noordam is a good ship and you obviously feel the same way as you are sailing on her again. Enjoy your cruise...it should make for a good winter escape.

Thanks to whoever bumped this to the first page again. I've read it before and it is one of the all-time best reviews. I hope I have as much fun on my next cruise as I had reading this review of yours.

Thanks for the laughs (again).

Christy

Christy, thanks for your comment...glad you enjoyed the review. I know you will enjoy your next cruise! I mean what is not to enjoy about being at sea and not at work!:D

[The Odd Couple]

Loved it!! I always write a cruise diary but if I could write with your inimitable humour and style - I would be smugly pleased with myself. We are Brits on our first HAL cruise in 2012, and your review has really made me wish we were cruising sooner. Thanks for a great laugh.

[samnewbie]

Absolutely love your review, it's made me laugh so much :D

I hope we have as much fun and great memories on our forthcoming cruise in August.

Thanks again, I'm sure i will read this a few more times before we sail

Sam :)

[jd1966]

Fantastic review:):):):):)

[SailorJack]

Absolutely love your review, it's made me laugh so much :D

I hope we have as much fun and great memories on our forthcoming cruise in August.

Thanks again, I'm sure i will read this a few more times before we sail

Sam :)

Thank you..enjoy your cruise in August. I envy you...we have to wait till November to take our next cruise.:D

Loved it!! I always write a cruise diary but if I could write with your inimitable humour and style - I would be smugly pleased with myself. We are Brits on our first HAL cruise in 2012, and your review has really made me wish we were cruising sooner. Thanks for a great laugh.

Thank you for the compliment. I know you will enjoy HAL..it is a great cruise line.

Jack



Speaking of HAL... this is a photo I took two weeks ago of the Nieuw Amsterdam anchored just off the coast of Santorini.


http://inlinethumb19.webshots.com/43858/2972612290106582660S600x600Q85.jpg (http://travel.webshots.com/photo/2972612290106582660HCdnIg)

[K&RCurt]

I am a sporadic CC user. I usally avoid this place when I don't have a cruise booked or in the planning stages as it's too depressing otherwise!

So I booked a cruise (sort of on a whim - no planning) and sauntered my mouse on over to CC. Not having been on here for quite a few months, Imagine my surprise / delight at finding THIS thread alive and well!

The more things change, the more they remain the same!

[samnewbie]

Thank you..enjoy your cruise in August. I envy you...we have to wait till November to take our next cruise.:D

Ahh but come November it will be I envying you!! :(;):D

It really is a fab review, my husband is going to read it this evening as he is curious what I was roaring laughing about!

Love the photo too, she is such a beautiful lady

Sam :)

[happycruisers13]

Great review of your cruise! I havent laughed that hard in a long time. What a gift you have!

[SailorJack]

Great review of your cruise! I havent laughed that hard in a long time. What a gift you have!

I am glad you enjoyed it, But a gift? SailorJill views it more like a curse, as she has to put up with my constant note taking at night when she wants to go out to dinner and a show.:)

[mmemichele]

Hey Jack

Because I missed this one ...how is that possible????...I searched for it as I needed a morning chuckle As always you delivered admirably ..I loved the LHUVEME tender ..so funny and all your other antics
Keep on writing as I love to read you

Michele

I'm actually considering Hal for next winter as it goes to ABC islands ...not for the illiterate but snorkellers Bonaire was Fabulous I met a beautifyl BIg black fish with yellow eyes and we really connected ...right up to my mask .......not the least shy ...unless of course his eyes revealed too much partying...unless of course he was flirting with me
HOw else does one get yellow eyes !!!

[SailorJack]

Hey Jack

Because I missed this one ...how is that possible????...I searched for it as I needed a morning chuckle As always you delivered admirably ..I loved the LHUVEME tender ..so funny and all your other antics
Keep on writing as I love to read you

Michele

I'm actually considering Hal for next winter as it goes to ABC islands ...not for the illiterate but snorkellers Bonaire was Fabulous I met a beautifyl BIg black fish with yellow eyes and we really connected ...right up to my mask .......not the least shy ...unless of course his eyes revealed too much partying...unless of course he was flirting with me
HOw else does one get yellow eyes !!!

You will enjoy HAL - our cruise on the Noordam was one of our favorites. Bonaire is the only ABC island we have not visited... and as we are both divers the omission is embarrasing.:D

Glad you enjoy the reviews. Perhaps one day we will be on the same ship -I will look forward to it.

Jack

[Himself]

Jack:

When I saw this orignally a couple of years ago I was turned off by the title. Most people who sail the Noordam--and I have not sailed this ship--rave about it. Out of curiosity I just read the post and I found it to be quite creative and humerous. In fact it was quite good. Have you been on any more HAL ships? I would recommend the Eurodam and I would highly recommend the Nieuw Amsterdam.

Himself
P.S. My first HAL cruise was in November of 1996. My last one was in February 2011.

[SailorJack]

Jack:

When I saw this orignally a couple of years ago I was turned off by the title. Most people who sail the Noordam--and I have not sailed this ship--rave about it. Out of curiosity I just read the post and I found it to be quite creative and humerous. In fact it was quite good. Have you been on any more HAL ships? I would recommend the Eurodam and I would highly recommend the Nieuw Amsterdam.

Himself
P.S. My first HAL cruise was in November of 1996. My last one was in February 2011.

Thanks for your commendts. I have not sailed again (yet) on HAL - simply the result of price and itinerary. Would love to sail on the Nieuw Amsterdam - it is a beautiful ship. If you scroll up a few posts on this page you will see a picture of the Amsterdam that I took a couple of weeks ago when it was anchored at Santorini.