Need advice on what to do

[dfish]

My SO and I booked the Veendam for January 2011 South America and Antarctica Explorer. This cruise has been on my list for quite some time and it seemed like just the right time to do it.

Since then SO had some difficulties and the neurologist told him he cannot fly ever and that due to neurological problems, he shouldn't be on a ship either. There is no recovery for this, so this type of travel is out for him on a permanent basis.

He wants me to go without him. He said he doesn't want to be a ball and chain around my ankle and wants me to fulfill this desire. But, it just wouldn't be the same without him.

A friend wants to cruise at the same time, but is not interested in South America and Antarctica. She wants to do a full transit of the Panama Canal. I'm not so excited about that, but perhaps that is because of my expectation for South America/Antarctica. However, my mother really wants to do this cruise and she and Dad could come along and I could help them achieve one of their desires.

So, do I :
A. Cancel completely and rent a condo in Florida for SO and I next January? (Yes, we have cancellation insurance.)
B. Do the South America/Antarctica cruise as a solo?
C. Do the Panama Canal with my girlfriend and possibly parents?

Debbie

[alpal1993]

How many days is the cruise to South America?I asume it is longer then a week.I feel for your predicament.I have been married for many years and it would be very difficult for me to leave DH for longer then a few days.For you this might not be the case.I would ask my self how would I feel if the situation was reversed.How would I feel?

[RuthC]

I went through something similar many years ago.

I had been looking forward to the final voyage of the ss Rotterdam since the moment I had first boarded her years before. My husband and I had booked that cruise about a year and a half before, when we learned his radiation wouldn't be completed before the cruise left. I spent the night mourning the loss of the cruise I wanted to take, then said of course, we'll cancel.
He told me to go without him. It was the only time in our marriage that he told me to do something and I didn't argue with him. :D
I went on the cruise, and he made arrangements to join it in progress.

You're right. Until he arrived (after many, many false starts) the cruise was very different than it would have been with him. But I still had a nice time. Different, but nice.

You have your SO's blessing to do something that's been a dream. Accept the gift he has offered as a gift. You may not ever have the chance to take this cruise ever again. Then make your future plans so that they meet both your needs.

[Bescotti]

I've been looking at this cruise and intend to book in the next week or so as a solo.

There has been a lot of talk recently that vessels carrying more than a certain number of passengers will be banned from sailing in the Antarctic waters, including those doing 'drive-bys' (which would prohibit HAL's ships) so that's why I'm having this cruise priced at the moment. If this restriction is introduced then the only option in future would be to do an expensive expedition style cruise.

If you are comfortable travelling without your SO and can't get a friend to go with you, there will be others travelling solo on an itinerary which might not be offered regularly going forward.

Bev

[Rainbow Bridge]

Debbie,

This is what I would do:

Get a second opinion......

If it is not a problem for your SO to be left at home for the length of time you are away, I'd do the Veendam trip - that cruise was our first adventure type trip and was utterly amazing. Our ship did not go to Antarctica - we were in a 737......at times, only 500 feet above the ground. The Panama Canal, although interesting, pales in comparison with your Veendam cruise. At least you would be able to share your experiences with him which is better than having both of you miss this trip.

I can't/wouldn't leave my DH at home to go on a cruise with friends or other relatives - fortunately mine is still able to travel but I now limit our trips from home to the ports and back again to one direct flight - it can be a long flight, just has to be direct & non-stop.

Best wishes,

Gena

[cb at sea]

I wouldn't go on a vacation without my other "half"....that's just not right...no matter what he/she says! You're a couple...be a couple!

If, for some reason, you can do it together, great...otherwise, put it on hold. "Sharing" your experience is NOT the same as sharing experiences together.

[dfish]

Thank you all for so many replies so quickly.

Ruth, you said it very well. It is a gift he is giving me. He was so despondent when he found out he couldn't go and was most upset that I would not take this trip when he knew I had wanted to do this for so long.

Another factor that complicates the issue is that he is the major caretaker of his father who is 93. We had discussed before we booked that he might not make the cruise due to his father's situation and agreed that I would go ahead. So, the seed was planted for me to go solo. But, there is a difference between his father's situation and the fact that he can't travel himself.

We will have a week at the lake in August. Ok, my whole family will be along, but we'll be there together! LOL

Debbie

[dfish]

There has been a lot of talk recently that vessels carrying more than a certain number of passengers will be banned from sailing in the Antarctic waters, including those doing 'drive-bys' (which would prohibit HAL's ships) so that's why I'm having this cruise priced at the moment. If this restriction is introduced then the only option in future would be to do an expensive expedition style cruise.

Bev

That is the biggest reason I wanted to do this cruise now. And he knows about that situation and so he understands the timing issue.

Deb

[dfish]

How many days is the cruise to South America?I asume it is longer then a week.I feel for your predicament.I have been married for many years and it would be very difficult for me to leave DH for longer then a few days.For you this might not be the case.I would ask my self how would I feel if the situation was reversed.How would I feel?

The cruise is 17 days and with travel to and from South America, it becomes 3 weeks. If the situation was reversed, yes, I would want him to go!

Deb

[parrotfeathers]

My hubby and I usually do not make trips together. I do my bird convention every August for a week. A few years ago, through his business, he "won" a trip to Japan and Australia. I told him to take his grown son. They had a wonderful time. I will be traveling with some parrot friends on my November cruise. With all the animals, it is just impossible for us both to leave.

I used to think it odd that married people would travel solo--now it is the norm for us. And I think one appreciates the other more when being left to carry the load alone.

[Vanisle]

I say choose what ever makes you happy as long as SO is in agreement.
My SO is going on the cruise with me in April but being a quadriplegic and never wanting to fly ,I take many vacations without him and we are happy to see each other when I get home ! We also go out in our 32 foot motorhome on roadtrips so his travel needs are not neglected .
Be happy that you have each other but are able to be independant whenthe occasions arrive

[CowPrincess]

RuthC said:

Accept the gift he has offered as a gift. You may not ever have the chance to take this cruise ever again. Then make your future plans so that they meet both your needs.


I totally agree with this. You may not ever want to cruise without your DH in the future, but he is offering this gift of love. Sometimes the only response to such a gift is "thank you" :)

I "get" that you may feel it is selfish on your part; honestly evaluate how you would feel if YOU were the one who couldn't travel. You would truly want him to go, right? At one point, I nearly didn't go on our last cruise -- I would have insisted that DH go without me, and would not have resented one second of his absence.

[CowPrincess]

I wouldn't go on a vacation without my other "half"....that's just not right...no matter what he/she says! You're a couple...be a couple!

If, for some reason, you can do it together, great...otherwise, put it on hold. "Sharing" your experience is NOT the same as sharing experiences together.

You also think that singles shouldn't travel on their own, right? That they should always have a friend go with them?

[signora]

It's very tough: you want to do what's best for both of you--I think we shouldn't pass judgement--every couple is different--some couples need to do everything together and some couples do just as well on separate vacations. It just needs to be worked out between the two of you...

[jhannah]

I say go for it and enjoy it. Maybe you can find a friend who'd like to go with you.

[dfish]

If the cruise wasn't already booked, I wouldn't even look at it, given his situation. Since we have both spent a significant time as singles, we have established our independence and know that that does not diminish our relationship. I have a friend whose DH simply doesn't like to travel, so she goes with girlfriends as she does. It isn't a problem for them, just an acceptance of the differences between them and accomodating those. That is part of a relationship.

We once jokingly said we would sell the house and go live on a cruise ship like Mama Lou. Now we're looking at RVs.

I am encouraged to do this cruise and am leaning in that direction. We'll have to have a long, serious talk about it. Thanks to all for all your advice.

Deb

[jtl513]

I would want my DW to go without me ... and "bring me along" via long daily emails, with pictures.

[IRL_Joanie]

The cruise is 17 days and with travel to and from South America, it becomes 3 weeks. If the situation was reversed, yes, I would want him to go!

Deb

Your response should be your deciding factor. I think it is one that is hard for anyone to make, considering the situation. But, the dream of a lifetime and the possibility that it might now be able to happen at a later date due to the proposed restrictions... Go for it!

Joanie

[NMLady]

Only you know how much your SO really meant it when he said to go ahead and go. I would think that if you did not go, your SO would always feel guilty about keeping you from such an awesome trip that you'd set your heart on. So, if your SO really meant for you to go, then GO, and have an awesome, guilt-free time. Your SO will then never feel guilty about your having stayed home, and there will never be resentment built up on your part either. No regrets on either side, so your relationship will be strengthened even though you'll have spent more than 2 weeks apart.

[RevNeal]

You have received advice from both perspectives. Good advice.
While traveling without your SO, when you were expecting to share the trip together, may well be difficult, I would highly encourage you to go ahead and take the cruise. I have been on a similar itinerary to Antarctica and South America and, of all my cruises, it was my best. Yes, I was cruising solo, but I still had friends aboard and I had one of the best times of my life. It's a great cruise, and you'll see things you'll never forget.

So, go. Yes, plan and spend time with your SO, but also go on this cruise.

[cruznseas]

You have your SO's blessings! Take the Panama Canal cruise with your parents and girlfriend! You'll be amazed!

[canadianbear]

It is good you are open to options. I think it's a blessing what is being offered to you and you should do one of the cruises for sure. Would your parents be interested in the S/America trip or only the Panama? It would be
so wonderful if your parents and you could go on the S/America trip as it sounds like it is a chance of a lifetime.

[CowPrincess]

You have your SO's blessings! Take the Panama Canal cruise with your parents and girlfriend! You'll be amazed!

The OP said: (and I'm bolding the parts to which I'm referring)

My SO and I booked the Veendam for January 2011 South America and Antarctica Explorer. This cruise has been on my list for quite some time and it seemed like just the right time to do it.

>snip<
He wants me to go without him. He said he doesn't want to be a ball and chain around my ankle and wants me to fulfill this desire. But, it just wouldn't be the same without him.

A friend wants to cruise at the same time, but is not interested in South America and Antarctica. She wants to do a full transit of the Panama Canal. I'm not so excited about that, but perhaps that is because of my expectation for South America/Antarctica. >snip<



Wondering why you are suggesting that the OP take the cruise she is less interested in? She describes the SA trip with "desire" and "on my list", whereas she says "not so excited" about the Panama Canal.

Can you perhaps compare the two cruises, and provide your reasons for preferring the Canal cruise? I'm sure that info would be of help to the OP.

[cruznseas]

The OP said: (and I'm bolding the parts to which I'm referring)



Wondering why you are suggesting that the OP take the cruise she is less interested in? She describes the SA trip with "desire" and "on my list", whereas she says "not so excited" about the Panama Canal.

Can you perhaps compare the two cruises, and provide your reasons for preferring the Canal cruise? I'm sure that info would be of help to the OP.

The Panama Canal cruise is one of the three options the OP is requesting our guidence with, not?

We have done the Panama Canal crossing more than once. It is an amazing experience. That's why I'm recommending it to her. OK?

[babyher]

A big part of being a couple is thinking of the other person a whole lot more than yourself.

Your SO truly wants you to do this trip , as you have said that you would feel the same if the show was on the other foot.

Of course it will be different going without him , but by not going , you will be miserable. SO will be miserable (feeling like the ball and chain they referred to not wanting to be)

You mentioned other vacations you have lined up together. You can enjoy both.

Guilt is a useless emotion.

SO sounds like a wonderful person, accept their generous gift and may it make you appreciate them even more :)

[Rainbow Bridge]

I agree with Reverend Neal that the South America & Antarctic trip was the best one for us - every day of that trip was amazing......the Panama Canal is interesting but the transit of the canal is only one day of the cruise.

BTW, my DH thinks you should go for it. That's what he'd want me to do if we ever are in the same situation as you are now.

Best wishes to you,

Gena

[dfish]

SO sounds like a wonderful person, accept their generous gift and may it make you appreciate them even more :)

He is a wonderful person. I would feel bad leaving him behind. He was so excited about this trip. We will spend some time talking about this. The best part is that no decision has to be made for quite some time. So far, I've left things as they are.

Deb

[dfish]

I agree with Reverend Neal that the South America & Antarctic trip was the best one for us - every day of that trip was amazing......the Panama Canal is interesting but the transit of the canal is only one day of the cruise.

BTW, my DH thinks you should go for it. That's what he'd want me to do if we ever are in the same situation as you are now.

Best wishes to you,

Gena
Tell DH I do appreciate his vote! The response has been overwhelming that I should go and now I'm starting to get excited again about that prospect.

Even though I haven't been on either cruise, I agree with you and Rev Neal. I think the Antarctica part will be out of this world. And I've always wanted to go to Ushuaia (sp?) ever since I read about it in a mystery novel.

Thanks for the best wishes!

Deb

[dfish]

It is good you are open to options. I think it's a blessing what is being offered to you and you should do one of the cruises for sure. Would your parents be interested in the S/America trip or only the Panama? It would be
so wonderful if your parents and you could go on the S/America trip as it sounds like it is a chance of a lifetime.
My mother thinks I am out of my mind to want to go there. Also, she and Dad wouldn't take the long international flights very well. It would be easy to get them to Ft. Lauderdale for a Panama Canal cruise. She wants to do do the partial transit on the Zuiderdam as that is the only other ship she has been on. She fell in love with it and no other ship will be as good, she thinks.

Deb

[RuthC]

My mother thinks I am out of my mind to want to go there.
There are no words at my command that will describe what it feels like to sail the waters of Antarctica. I've done it twice, and would go again. Yes, the flights down and back are killers; I would still repeat that cruise.
Words like serene, majestic, awe-inspiring, pristine only scratch the surface of what it's like. With all due respect to your mother, she doesn't know what she's missed.

[canadianbear]

I haven't done either cruise but what I would give to do the Antarctica and South American one....as a matter of fact we are saving for that one as we speak! Yes, the plane ride is long, but can your parents break it up somehow with an overnight stopover?

It would be such a memorable experience for you and your parents to share that together. The Panama Canal is easier but I bet it isn't the chance of a lifetime experience is it. It's pretty funny your Mom thinks you are out of your mind for wanting to do the Antarctica trip-have you shown her some of the CC's photos that are on here...they are unbelievable!

Glad you have some time to think about all the options-don't beat yourself up over it and go where YOU want to go or you might regret that decision one day.

[dfish]

There are no words at my command that will describe what it feels like to sail the waters of Antarctica. I've done it twice, and would go again. Yes, the flights down and back are killers; I would still repeat that cruise.
Words like serene, majestic, awe-inspiring, pristine only scratch the surface of what it's like. With all due respect to your mother, she doesn't know what she's missed.
You are right, she doesn't know what she is missing. She and Dad have really slowed down a lot lately and the most traveling they've done in the last couple years is to my sister's, a couple hours away. Even then, someone drives them and it wears them out. To be honest, I don't know if she would even do the Panama Canal at this point.

The other thing is that our interests are different. I taught 8th grade Earth Science for 10 years before a move to high school Math, so I have an interest in geology and the serene, majestic, awe-inspiring, pristine scenery that awaits me.

The more I talk this out, the more I think I've made my decision.

Debbie

[dfish]

You have received advice from both perspectives. Good advice.

So, go. Yes, plan and spend time with your SO, but also go on this cruise.
Absolutely right about the advice I've gotten. Thank you all!

Debbie

[canadianbear]

Make sure you let us all know your final decision! Whichever you choose, just choose to enjoy it. No second guessing yourself.:)

[Cinder Again]

I've done both, and seeing Antarctica was life-changing...it definitely ranks up there as my favorite cruise, thus far. I'm not sure that option will exist in a few years, if they put more restrictions on sailing there, so that trip should be viewed as a priority, IMHO.

That said, my parents wanted to see the Panama Canal and asked me if I would take them, so we went, and I have to say, I enjoyed the transit of the canal way more than I thought I would... so your decision can be win/win...

[estebofarr]

I agree that you should go ahead and do a solo. Our 21 day trip to Antarctica had at least four that I knew of that went solo. Our cruise critic group adopted an extra I met in Tampa and they all, for various reasons, didn't have anyone to travel with. They all had a great time. My husband will be doing a solo safari next year as I have NO desire to do that.
Best of luck, Janis

[Johanna7]

Debbie:

I would vote for going solo (unless a friend or relative really wants to come along) on the nearly 3 week journey to South America. It is a "once in a lifetime" experience. The Panama Canal, while nice is just another Caribbean with a Mexican part added on. You can do that anytime and you have already booked this one.

Go for it. You only live once. Just email home frequently and send your SO postcards where you can.

Take lots of pictures and share them with him when you return.

It would be better to meet nice people on the cruise you can hang out with than to have your elderly parents along. They might hold you back.

No, I am not young myself, have been married over 50 years so I know what older people are like. Well, they are not all the same of course.

My husband and I always take cruises together and often my sister has asked me to go with her but I will not.

Enjoy your lovely cruise.

[Virgil]

I say go and have a good time. You mentioned your parents, that might be nice. I took my Dad to Ireland for a month for him to see relatives he had not seen since he was a boy and I am so thankful for that trip. He was 70 yrs old and I couldn't keep up with him. We had a wonderful time. It was the first and only time he got to go. You might make some priceless memories with your parents that you would cherish.;)

[RogerAZ]

I went to Antarctica on the Ryndam in Jan. 2002 without my DW. She would not have been able to take the ship's motion during the Drake Passage. I was assigned a roomate but after 1 night on the ship I was able to upgrade to a single cabin for a very reasonable increase in price. The new cabin was next to the last cabin aft and I got quite the ride.

My suitcase did not arrive with my airplane in Rio. I e-mailed my DW and she drove to our airport and worked with Delta to increase the chances of it being forwarded to our next port. The ship even gave me a free tux for formal night. The suitcase arrived at Montevideo.

My wife is a sweet heart.

I also suggest that you go for it. It is a beautiful place.
Roger

[dfish]

SO and I talked about this extensively this weekend and at this point, I am going on the South America/Antarctica cruise. He said it is on my bucket list and I really should do it. So, barring unforeseen circumstances, I'm going!

Thanks, everyone, for helping me think this out. It really did help.

Debbie

[dfish]

I say go and have a good time. You mentioned your parents, that might be nice. I took my Dad to Ireland for a month for him to see relatives he had not seen since he was a boy and I am so thankful for that trip. He was 70 yrs old and I couldn't keep up with him. We had a wonderful time. It was the first and only time he got to go. You might make some priceless memories with your parents that you would cherish.;)
I also took my parents to visit my grandfather's birthplace in the Czech Republic. They really did enjoy the trip and the look on my mother's face when she saw the baptismal font where her father was baptized was priceless. We also found the house where he was born and where her grandmother grew up. Those are memories that last a lifetime.

Deb

[RuthC]

So, barring unforeseen circumstances, I'm going!
Yippee! You will never regret this. Have a great time.

[dfish]

Yippee! You will never regret this. Have a great time.
Thanks, Ruth! I'm sure I will!

Deb

[Rainbow Bridge]

You've got me thinking about doing the Antarctic trip again.....we've got a few more places to go but after 2011 is over, who Knows!!!!!

I'm soooooo glad you decided to go! You'll know when you get home again that you made the right choice....we've been a lot of places and had wonderful times, but Antarctica is at the top of the "Best Cruise" list.

Best wishes to you both,

Gena

[dfish]

You've got me thinking about doing the Antarctic trip again.....we've got a few more places to go but after 2011 is over, who Knows!!!!!

I'm soooooo glad you decided to go! You'll know when you get home again that you made the right choice....we've been a lot of places and had wonderful times, but Antarctica is at the top of the "Best Cruise" list.

Best wishes to you both,

Gena
Thanks, Gena!

Debbie

[Pam in CA]

Tell DH I do appreciate his vote! The response has been overwhelming that I should go and now I'm starting to get excited again about that prospect.

Even though I haven't been on either cruise, I agree with you and Rev Neal. I think the Antarctica part will be out of this world. And I've always wanted to go to Ushuaia (sp?) ever since I read about it in a mystery novel. Deb, DO ANTARCTICA! You will never regret it whereas if you don't go, you'll have regrets and "What if's". My friend and I did Antarctica on the Amsterdam last year, each of us single in a cabin, and did the pre-cruise to Iguazu Falls with HAL. There were a couple of other people traveling as singles on this tour, too, and all 40 of us on the tour bonded the first night in Rio, having a great time. By the time we got on the ship, we were old friends and it was like a house party. Everywhere we went, we met up with our new "old friends", often going to a lounge in the evening. The number in the group would rise and fall as more joined us and others went to dinner or something else. I strongly urge you to go.

[dfish]

Pam,

I was looking at the pre-cruise trip to Iguazu Falls and thinking of adding it on. After all, how often will I have this opportunity? I am going to check it out and, fortunately, have some time to make a decision on that. Thanks!

Debbie

[Bescotti]

I was looking at the pre-cruise trip to Iguazu Falls and thinking of adding it on.

I've just got my costings for this cruise, doing the Iguazu Falls pre-cruise (done privately, not through HAL) so now that I've got all the figures I'll probably be booking it tomorrow or Monday - then I'll join your roll-call. This really is a great itinerary and I want to do it before any regulations/laws come in barring larger vessels from visiting Antarctica.

[dfish]

I've just got my costings for this cruise, doing the Iguazu Falls pre-cruise (done privately, not through HAL) so now that I've got all the figures I'll probably be booking it tomorrow or Monday - then I'll join your roll-call. This really is a great itinerary and I want to do it before any regulations/laws come in barring larger vessels from visiting Antarctica.
Excellent news! I'll look forward to chatting with you on the roll call! I was hoping you'd come back!

Deb

[NMLady]

SO and I talked about this extensively this weekend and at this point, I am going on the South America/Antarctica cruise. He said it is on my bucket list and I really should do it. So, barring unforeseen circumstances, I'm going!

Thanks, everyone, for helping me think this out. It really did help.

Debbie

YAY!! I am so glad you decided to go. I don't think you will ever regret it, and your SO will have good feelings about not having held you back from it.
You can do your planning with him and will share the trip when you return so that will help too.