Need Advice - Question about kids on wedding cruise

Hello Ladies,

First and foremost, congrats to all of you! Ok, on to the question....

So my future husbands best friend has 3 kids, at the time of our wedding the ages will be 16, 14, and 8. I love children but have none, and these are NOT well behaved or polite kids! We have 40 people that will be sailing with us, no children (they wanted to leave them at home!). This man will be the best man in our wedding, and we are planning a welcome party, bachelor, and bachelorette parties, wedding, and reception all DURING the trip! Is it fair of me to ask him to leave the kiddos at home? I want him to be able to participate in all the festivities, and enjoy his vacation also. I think having to worry about what the kids are doing all the time will hinder his experience. Also if he takes the kiddos, he will not be able to participate in everything. So, again, I ask is it fair to tell him this is a child free wedding?

Perfectly reasonable, especially if nobody else is taking their kids and you know these three are going to be a pain anyway. Too bad if best man doesn't like it. Your wedding: your rules.

I think you can tell him that children are not allowed at the wedding events, but I don't think you can tell him they aren't allowed on the trip -- UNLESS you made it very clear before he agreed to be best man that it was an adult only trip or that it was an individual invitation and not a family invitation.

Edit for Full Disclosure: We did tell our best man he couldn't bring his kid. However, the reason we did this was because he first told us that only he and his wife would be attending, then at the later changed his mind and wanted to bring the 2 year old. When we looked into what would be involved in adding the kid we found out it would put us over a cut-off number and would require us to add a second wedding coordinator, an expensive reception we didn't want, etc. We told him we couldn't add any additional guests at that point because we were already at the limit for the wedding package we had chosen.

It's fair to exclude the kids from your wedding event, but you shouldn't impose a "no-child" rule on him for the cruise seeing as it's a vacation. He may elect to leave the kiddos at home anyway, but since (I'm assuming here) it's his money, his time away from work and his family the choice is best left up to him.

ETA: Our 4 year old niece and nephew will be on the cruise with their parents and if our 3 month old nephew could be, he would be as well.

Keep in mind at 16 and 14 they do not need to be watched 24-7 and there is a kids club. I agree your wedding your rules. However his vacation his rules. So for the wedding you can say no kids, but to tell him what to do on his cruise, unless you are paying for it, are you willing to cause a fight between the bestman and your fiance?

He had no plans of bringing the kids when he agreed to be the best man. We are paying for his cruise, and he wants to take the 14 year old on the guys day in port, and wants me to take the 16 year old with us ladies for the spa day. I don't think this is fair to us. I don't have an issue with the kiddos being on the cruise, but he wants us to involve them in everything. He is a single dad (mom deceased) and will not have help to keep an eye on them. He cruises with us every year and has never taken them before for that reason, it is his vacation.

Make it a kid free wedding. It sounds as though the whole thing is onboard the ship and so the kids don't need to be there. It will actually free him up from having to make the decision.

It's ABSOLUTELY fine for you to say no kids in your wedding group. Whether or not the best man will listen...who knows. It's YOUR wedding so what you and your fiance say goes for the wedding and ALL related events, but you can't stop him bringing the kids on the ship. If he does, though, he needs to pay ALL additional costs related to having them along.

Where did the kids stay when he went on other cruises with you? THAT should be where they stay this time too.

Bringing a 14 y.o. on the guys' day in port will totally change the dynamic and probably change the options on what the guys can do. And the kid might be bored too. I hope your fiance will be firm about saying no.

As for the 16 y.o. girl at spa day, it depends on the girl. If I were getting married, I'd want my niece (12 1/2) to be included, but she's a very nice, well-behaved young lady. From what you've written it sounds like this girl might not be a great addition to the group. If you think you and the other ladies would enjoy having her along, fine, but if not, say no and be firm about it. Nothing like a sullen teenager to ruin a fun day with your best girlfriends. Who knows, she might not want to come along anyway.

I would think that if this man is truly your fiance's best friend, he would have both his and your best interests at heart here, and recognize that his children are NOT welcome additions to this cruise. Does he recognize that they are not the most pleasant children to be around? If he doesn't, maybe your fiance ought to reconsider who should be his best man.

It's simple- no kids. I have great friends but when they say no kids- I don't even question it. I'm really not understanding why this is an issue. If you have a wedding that is adults only- then there are no kids. If you make an exception for him- then other parents might feel slighted that they can't bring their own kids as well.

I have a horrible feeling these teens have already been told, or assume, they can participate in the pre-wedding activities and are no doubt looking forward to hanging out with the grown ups. If they are already brats it's going to be a brave person who tells them they can't go. I think you are lumbered with this arrangement now which could have been avoided if you'd made your wishes clearly and firmly known to the best man in the first place. Frankly, he's got a bit of a nerve including his kids when you are paying. Everyone else has made alternative arrangements for their kids and he has in the past too so Im not sure why its different this time unless he didnt know your wishes. All you can do is tell him that he is going to be 100% responsible for his kids (and their behaviour) and if they do ANYTHING to jeapordise YOUR wedding day then all of them, including their father, will be asked to leave. Have a Back Up Best Man just in case!

Oh, and tantrums or not, they do not go to the pre cruise events. It will be a total downer for everyone.

sorry, meant to say "pre wedding events".

Reading this posts makes me kind of sad.

The best man is someone special in your fiance's life and the kids are special to the best man. I'm sure fiance and best man have talked about it. You haven't mentioned what fiance says about this so I image that he understands the best man wanting the kids to be part of it.

What's the big deal? You're still going to be the bride. It's not going to take anything away from you. Even if the kids act like fools. It's how you handle it that shows your true character and classiness.

Sharing your special day with the kids might even bring you something unexpected into your life and wedding that you didn't expect.

:rolleyes:

Candy

If the kids are as disruptive as OP says then I perfectly understand her reluctance to have them there. Their father will be busy being best man and won't be able to supervise his little treasures as well as necessary. Even well behaved kids bring a totally different dynamic to any major occasion and there are times when it's just not ideal to have them there. As OP says, other guests have been requested to make alternative arrangements for their kids and they have complied, possibly reluctantly, so I'm sure there will be resentment if they see that other kids are in fact there. This is exactly what happened at our supposed child-free wedding when one guest ignored our clear request and brought their 4 (!) kids.

I know there's a tendency these days for parents to include their kids in absolutely everything but I think we need to acknowledge that it's not always appropriate and that adults need some child-free time once in a while. Knowing what the guys are likely to get up to on their pre wedding "port day" then taking a 14yr old along is asking for trouble in all kinds of ways IMO. If nothing else it will certainly cramp their style (or maybe that's a good thing? :D).

But from the sound of things it's too late to change things now so I wish the bride and groom every happiness and a stress free wedding!

Can i ask you a question? How do you know you will have 40 people sailing with you already? Did people book or you just counted on the people you will know be there?

Reading this posts makes me kind of sad.

 

The best man is someone special in your fiance's life and the kids are special to the best man. I'm sure fiance and best man have talked about it. You haven't mentioned what fiance says about this so I image that he understands the best man wanting the kids to be part of it.

 

What's the big deal? You're still going to be the bride. It's not going to take anything away from you. Even if the kids act like fools. It's how you handle it that shows your true character and classiness.

 

Sharing your special day with the kids might even bring you something unexpected into your life and wedding that you didn't expect.

 

:rolleyes:

Candy

Not everyone has children in their lives. Not everyone is comfortable making any and all events family friendly. It does not make them bad people. Is it possible they might bring something unexpected? Sure. But it's also possible they can change the entire tenor of the cruise which is not fair to the OP.

The OP shouldn't have to babysit a teenager for her bachelorette party. Her fiance should not have to alter or edit his bachelor party plans so a 14 year old can attend.

I agree that they really can't demand that dad leave the kids at home, but they can choose not to invite/include them in the wedding plans. Sounds like dad leaves them home for vacation regularly. Why does he suddenly want to include them? If OP is paying for dad's cruise, will he be expecting she pay for the children?

Reading this posts makes me kind of sad.

 

The best man is someone special in your fiance's life and the kids are special to the best man. I'm sure fiance and best man have talked about it. You haven't mentioned what fiance says about this so I image that he understands the best man wanting the kids to be part of it.

 

What's the big deal? You're still going to be the bride. It's not going to take anything away from you. Even if the kids act like fools. It's how you handle it that shows your true character and classiness.

 

Sharing your special day with the kids might even bring you something unexpected into your life and wedding that you didn't expect.

 

:rolleyes:

Candy

I agree, it makes me sad too. I have 2 boys (10 & 16), when I married onboard last year both my boys came to the wedding but didn't sail and my mom took them after the wedding. This is because it was my honeymoon and it wasn't appropriate. However, I would have never told anyone they couldn't bring their own children on the cruise. Although, I didn't want crying children during my ceremony, having children there made it feel more of a loving family gathering rather than a stiff adult only party. It turned out that it was fun and entertaining watching the little ones dance at the reception. And the older kids showed the adults new dance moves. Makes for great photos! :)

If your best man is willing to pay the extra money to have his kids along then let him. If you don't want to "babysit" his daughter on your spa day then just tell him your not comfortable with it. Same with the boy on the guy trip. Perhaps you may be able to give the kids a "job" for the wedding, such as giving guests directions or passing messages or something else you could think of. Giving them something to be responsible to do, (after explaining the importance to them) makes them feel needed and perhaps better behaved. If you stick to no kids ceremony and receptions, there is always the option of the kids clubs onboard to entertain them at those times.

Thanks for the input ladies!!!!

So, got the issue resolved, after my conversation with the best man he thought about it, called me a few days later and agreed with me that this was not the best time to take them on a cruise. He explained he made this decision because he wants to participate in all of the festivities, and he didnt think it was fair to himself or the kids to take them and them leave them with a babysitter for a good portion of the cruise. Problem solved yay!!!!!

But, to answer the questions...

We know that 40 people have set aside money to go on the cruise, our families are close, so everyone wants to be there, and we have 10 people in our wedding party, our parents, thats 14 alone, lol. We also go on a group cruise with our friends every year, so the usuals will be attending.

My Fiance has expressed to the best man that we are having a child free wedding. We do not have children, nor do we want children. Every year we go on a group cruise, the best man attends and does not bring his kids, I don't see how this cruise should be any different. We also attend family vacations with him and the kids.

When it comes to the kids behavior, the only one who would pose a problem is the 16 year old, the other two are well behaved and polite! Having said that the 16yo is consistantly in trouble, as a matter of fact, last week she was suspended from school for fighting and mouthing off. I don't feel it's fair to subject the other guests to this, and expect them to deal with her attitude!!!

OP- Maybe I missed this, but are you guys being asked to foot the bill for his kids as well? Are you paying for the entire wedding party? I'm just trying to get a feel for how all that falls together.

I hope the situation is that you are generously paying for the wedding party (and that is very generous) but not necessarily all the guests or his kiddos.

This is going to be tough to come out with no hurt feelings. If he's paying for his kids you can't really tell him they can't cruise. If you make your feelings known about not involving the kids he will probably have hurt feelings. If you let it go it may have a negative impact on your experience- and this is your day.

Can I ask what you think the kids will do that will make them so disruptive?

princesstiffany - To answer your questions...

We are paying for the bridal party and our parents. We decided to do so because we want them at our wedding, and we decided to get married on an island. So, we thought it was fair of us to foot the bill.

Also, when we decided to have a cruise wedding, we did not expect anyone to go (other than those we are paying for). When we explained to our extended family and friends what we decided, we were surprised at the response. We thought it might be met with resistance, but it was actually the opposite. They asked us if they could join us, to which I said of course, we would love it!!!.

When it comes to the decision of the children, most of our guests made that decision, not us. It is not my right to tell people they cannot bring kids on the cruise, however, I can say they cannot bring them to the wedding or reception. Only one couple sailing with us wants to bring thier kids, and they are all small enough to go to camp carnival.

My issue with the BM bringing his kids is when he told me he wanted to bring them, I suggested he bring his mother, to watch them while he partakes in wedding stuff, he said no, they will be fine. Two of the kids are too old for camp carnival. And as I stated before, he expects us to involve them in adult activities, this is not fair to the rest of us. If he had someone to watch them during these activities, bring them along!!! But, he does not. My nephew will be on the cruise, but he is young enough for camp carnival, so there is no problem!

It's not that I dislike kids, but I don't have kids and I shouldn't be expected to accomodate them.

I'm glad you got it settled. The funny thing is that both you and the dad (Best Man) assume the sassy 16 year old would want to hang out with you and your bridesmaids and do the wedding thang.

She sounds like the kind of woman who is going to do the opposite of whatever she's expected to do ... so if you told her to be at the spa for the bachelorette party she'd stay as far away from it as she could. Just to piss you off. If you asked her to be a jr bridesmaid she probably wouldn't show up in an attempt to get a reaction from her father.

If you told her you didn't want her at the wedding or reception or worse gave her a job of greeting the guests she would show up and sit in the corner quietly not speaking to anyone. LOL

Anyway, I'm glad it all worked out. Please come back after the wedding and post some pictures and a review. I love reading the wedding reviews.

Candy

OP- I am so glad this all worked out! You deserve a worry free wedding experience without any added stress! Enjoy!!!!