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Any April 1 fake cruise news rumors jokes stories


derf5585

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Following in the steps of RyanAir, Celebrity has announced that all toilets on board their ships will be pay toilets including those in your stateroom.

 

Recognizing the demographics of their customers, Celebrity will be introducing the "Early Bird" seating in the main dining room which will start at 4:30PM

 

Animals made from towels will continue to be available in your staterooms at the discretion of your cabin attendant, however there will be a $5 a day charge for them

 

In an effort to provide you with more "candid" pictures, the Celebrity photographers will be quietly entering cabins randomly to take pictures.

 

Recommended Gratuities (and those required if you elect to use select dining) have been increased to include the Captain and the engine room crew as well as the "customer service" reps in the head office who will handle your complaints.

 

should I go on.....

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Miami, Florida

April 1, 2011--

 

Celebrity Cruises announced today a new, innovative fuel savings policy. Henceforth, treadmills in the fitness centers will be connected to the ship's electrical generating system. All cruisers will be expected to provide ten miles per day worth of electricity to offset fuel costs otherwise used in operating the ships' generators. Said Celebrity spokesman R. U. Kiddinme, "All those people need to start pulling their weight. What do they think, they're on vacation? I don't care if they're 97, they're occupying the same cabin space as a healthy 24-year-old marathon runner. They don't have to go fast, just so we get ten miles a day out of 'em."

 

The online forum, Cruise Critic, immediately hailed this as an eco-friendly and cost saving measure, certain to boost sales of cruises in both the short and long term.

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No, nothing here at all. :( I expected something on the boards.

I'll nip over to the Princess board as they usually have one or 2 'foolish' posts :D

 

Made me remember one I thought would be foolish, check the 11:00 am post entitled "Help" right here on the Celebrity Boards!

 

Ghstudio and Party - I enjoyed your posts!

 

Ken

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Miami, Florida

April 1, 2011

 

An enhancement was announced today by Celebrity Cruises regarding their Beverage Packages. In response to customer feedback, beginning May 1, 2011 all passengers who purchase a Beverage Package will be given a 2 liter commemorative bottle with their package information printed on the outside. The bottle is BPA free and comes with an optional straw for those who prefer one. Guests will no longer need to present their key cards to get their favorite wine, beer, or Martini as Wait staff will be able to just scan the bottles. Celebrity is positive this enhancement will be welcomed by their guests who will now be able to enjoy more of their favorite beverages, while making less frequent trips to the bars for refills. There will be a Two-for-0ne promotion beginning May 1, so call Celebrity or your Travel Agent today to take take advantage of this great deal.

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Celebrity Cruise has just announced a new itinerary for the E Med. It will depart Latakia, Syria after spending two nights there to tour the whole of Syria, especially the Golan Heights where you can look down into the evil empire of Israel, followed by an overnight port call in Beirut Lebanon, allowing special tours of the 'Green Line' which separates the waring Lebanese factions. Skipping Israel and Egypt due to security issues, the next wonder portcall will be Benghazi, Libya (really the Great Socialist People's Libyan Arab Jamajiriya) and then to the highlight port of Tripoli where a local official will greet you in his personal family tent complex...a Mr Muammar Gaddafi and his family...where you will have a frontrow seat of the nightly fireworks and street parades!

 

By the way, don't miss the 'Help!' thread..a great list of 'to dos' for your next cruise!

 

Den

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Miami, Florida

April 1, 2011

 

An enhancement was announced today by Celebrity Cruises regarding their Beverage Packages. In response to customer feedback, beginning May 1, 2011 all passengers who purchase a Beverage Package will be given a 2 liter commemorative bottle with their package information printed on the outside. The bottle is BPA free and comes with an optional straw for those who prefer one. Guests will no longer need to present their key cards to get their favorite wine, beer, or Martini as Wait staff will be able to just scan the bottles. Celebrity is positive this enhancement will be welcomed by their guests who will now be able to enjoy more of their favorite beverages, while making less frequent trips to the bars for refills. There will be a Two-for-0ne promotion beginning May 1, so call Celebrity or your Travel Agent today to take take advantage of this great deal.

 

 

STRAWS????

 

Don't you think crooked passengers will share the straws with their spouses? Or, worse still, all their friends)

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"Instead of instituting fuel surcharges, the nation's leading cruise lines have now decided to take up a collection plate before the nightly theatrical performance. After the collection plate is passed around, the crew will examine the take and decide which ports, if any, the ship can reach. This will be done before both the early and late showtimes so that all passengers may partake. If a suitable port is within range, fuel will be immediately purchased and the ship will set sail. If not, the ship will remain overnight (RON) in the current port until a sufficient take has been amassed."

 

"Those on transatlantic voyages are encouraged to give especially generously," says Celebrity Cruises' CEO Daniel J. Hanrahan.

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BREAKING NEWS:

 

Celebrity Cruises today announced a new cruise category that will be made available on all of its' ships. Appropriately labeled "CAW," this category offers cruisers the opportunity to work off their cruise indebtedness instead of paying for it. 'Cruise and Work' will allow us to decrease our contract workforce by approximately 25%, according to Dan Hanrahan during a news conference this morning.

 

The program will be available in all cabin tiers, from inside cabins to the PH suite. "Of course, the amount of time spent working will be dependent upon the cabin category the passenger is in." Hanrahan went on to indicate that the work assignment could be anywhere on the ship: "We're not just assigning cabin attendant duties here; folks could work in the laundry, the Gift Shops, as part of the entertainment staff, in the spa; we might even use them in the kitchens."

 

Rollout of the new program is expected to take place in May of 2011, while the ships are sailing in Europe. Hanrahan said that the officers will determine the work assignments; but indicated that each passenger who signs up for the program will have a list of 3-4 jobs to choose from.

 

Celebrity Cruises, long hailed for its' innovative approach to cruising, is excited to be the FIRST cruise line to offer this program. Speak to your travel agent or a Celebrity cruise consultant if you are interested.

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Celebrity cruises has decided upon a new fuel saving measure: using the lighter-than-air qualities of hydrogen to lift the cruise ship out of the water.

 

A new superstructure will be constructed on top of the highest deck of all ships except for the Century. This deck will then be sealed and filled with hydrogen gas. The hydrogen gas will push upwards and thus make the ship appear to be lighter against the water.

 

"Having a lighter cruise ship is paramount for saving on hefty fuel expenses" says Konstantinos Patsoulas, a Celebrity Cruises captain. "We've tried everything from newer, lighter dinner plates to removing ice pitchers from the cabins; but, none of that has had a sufficiently large effect."

 

"We're hoping that with this new hydrogen deck that we'll be able to finally reach our corporate goal of 60 gallons [of gas] to the [nautical] mile."

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Celebrity Cruise has just announced a new itinerary for the E Med. It will depart Latakia, Syria after spending two nights there to tour the whole of Syria, especially the Golan Heights where you can look down into the evil empire of Israel, followed by an overnight port call in Beirut Lebanon, allowing special tours of the 'Green Line' which separates the waring Lebanese factions. Skipping Israel and Egypt due to security issues, the next wonder portcall will be Benghazi, Libya (really the Great Socialist People's Libyan Arab Jamajiriya) and then to the highlight port of Tripoli where a local official will greet you in his personal family tent complex...a Mr Muammar Gaddafi and his family...where you will have a frontrow seat of the nightly fireworks and street parades!

 

By the way, don't miss the 'Help!' thread..a great list of 'to dos' for your next cruise!

 

Den

Persian Gulf cruises are offering a special 'Pirates Entertainment Night'.

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Celebrity has contracted with NASA to build a Cruise Space Ship. To be named the Celebrity Enterprise.

 

Special rates for the balconies

 

Space Hotels: The Cruise Ship Analogy

from

http://www.spacefuture.com/archive/space_hotels_the_cruise_ship_analogy.shtml

 

Future is a space cruise ship

from

http://www.camlawblog.com/articles/reviews-booksfilms/humanitys-future-is-a-space-cruise-ship/

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Celebrity Cruises announces a special Noro Virus Cruise on the Solistice. Each passenger must present a medical certificate attesting to an active noro infection. Vomit bags will be given free in each cabin in place of a tote bag. Only the buffet will be open during the cruise. Hand washing in the restrooms is discouraged. Smoking (and vomiting) will be allowed on all balconies Ship is scheduled for dry dock after the cruise.

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Check out post # 1284 on Infinity 4/24/11 Panama Canal roll call !

 

Really was a great gag !

 

Sorry I can't do a proper link ~~ I'm computer challenged ~~ dummy ! :D:D

 

This just in...

 

Yesterday, while the cruise ship Celebrity Infinity was docking in Acapulco, Mexico, strong winds pushed the ship into the container port. The ship suffered extensive damage to the bow. No passengers or crew were injured, luckily. This occurred right after the ship sandwiched a tug that was helping it maneuver. This photo was released by the local newspaper.

 

2059501540083315880S600x600Q85.jpg

 

 

RCCL, parent of Celebrity Cruises, in a statement released today, said all the passengers were flown back to Ft. Lauderdale and offered a free cruise on any of Royal Caribbean or Celebrity's other ships. Since the Infinity is not seaworthy, it will go into dry dock in Los Angeles on Saturday, for extensive repairs. The repairs may take as much as 3 months to complete. RCCL has cancelled nearly all cruises through July 1st for the Infinity. Confirmed passengers for affected cruises will be contacted by Celebrity Reservations Dept. to be offered similar cruises and ship-board-credit for their inconvenience. The west-bound Panama Canal cruise scheduled for April 24th will not be affected as RCCL plans to use the Infinity life boats to transport those passengers through the canal.

 

Florida Rich...

Hi Bob & Garry ! April Fool !

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In a groundbreaking new move, Celebrity Cruises have announced a plan to cut labor costs by establishing the first prisons onboard their ships, following special permission from Florida's Governor Rick Scott to house Floridian prisoners convicted of a variety of crimes, although the line is refusing to allow rapists or murderers on its ships out of safety for its passengers. The prisoners will perform menial tasks around the ship, including cleaning staterooms and public areas, washing dishes and mowing the grass on the Lawn Clubs found onboard the line's Solstice-class ships. They will be housed in former crew accommodations and given exercise hours in a special, brand-new indoor sports facility.

 

Governor Scott called the move "win-win", saying that "In a time when Florida needs to be cutting costs any way it can, this initiative will remove prisoners from crowded penitentiaries and put them to work while helping Celebrity to provide cheaper vacations to its passengers." Joining several other major companies in putting prisoners to work, the line will be able to pay prisoners a fraction of what it pays its regular crew members. A Celebrity spokesman called it a "great idea" and said that the move will not affect the quality of service on Celebrity, as positions like dining room waiters, suite butlers and front desk staff will still be filled by regular crew members. The spokesman said that the program, which will be pioneered on Celebrity Century, will cut costs for passengers and attract new guests. He refused to say, however, whether sister line Royal Caribbean International will also employ state prisoners.

 

Following suit, Norwegian Cruise Line announced a similar program for Hawaiian state prisoners on its Pride of America, allowing it to continue employing an all-American crew as per the requirements of a U.S.-flagged ship, while saving money tremendously. "This is cheaper than an all-foreign crew" said a NCL executive. "I only wish we'd thought of this sooner."

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