Need some odd family advice. LOL

Ok so my mom bought a cruise for her and her boyfriend, me, my hubby and kids, and my brother and his family. Well obviously we would be thrilled to be all going on this awesome family vacation and it would not something that we would not all discuss all the time. We ended up having another family member invite themselves on our trip and booked a room. Ok, I love this person with all my heart but she is a total control freak and since announcing she is going with us all...SURPRISE!!...LOL....she has decided to take it upon herself to totally micro-manage our vacation.

We are go and see what is going on kind of people, go at our own pace, party, etc.

She is one of those planners who prints out check lists, collects brochures for months, and tells everyone that we will do excursions together as a group, dine together, attend all shows together, caravan together (for the trip down), etc....I am talking down to the last hour of every single day of vacation.

I don't know how to ask her to back off without hurting her feelings. I mean, me and my mom, we can go our seperate ways and not offend each other. But my cousin on the other hand...likes to tag along or will get really upset if we chose to do something separate. I am not a comedy show kind of person and she wants me to go with her to all the shows. Stuff like that.

It is also me and my husbands 10 year anniversary trip and we will no doubt want some privacy and time to ourselves.

She has already made it known to the rest of us that we won't be sleeping in because she is going to come bang on or doors as we can't miss out on anything that she is going to want to do. Ahhhh.

This is our very first cruise and first vacation in YEARS. We all kind of want to relax and have fun and not worry about others. I can understand this may be an issue in any large group that travels together.

Anyone out there traveled in a large group and faced similar issues?? Any tips or ideas on how to handle this situation? I want to have a good trip but without ruining hers. Seeing how she joined up on her own without being asked (Can't tell her no...free country. LOL)

Either way. I am super excited for my trip and don't see much getting in the way of fun anyway but want some ideas to advise her to be accepting about us all doing our own thing.

Ok so my mom bought a cruise for her and her boyfriend, me, my hubby and kids, and my brother and his family. Well obviously we would be thrilled to be all going on this awesome family vacation and it would not something that we would not all discuss all the time. We ended up having another family member invite themselves on our trip and booked a room. Ok, I love this person with all my heart but she is a total control freak and since announcing she is going with us all...SURPRISE!!...LOL....she has decided to take it upon herself to totally micro-manage our vacation.

 

We are go and see what is going on kind of people, go at our own pace, party, etc.

 

She is one of those planners who prints out check lists, collects brochures for months, and tells everyone that we will do excursions together as a group, dine together, attend all shows together, caravan together (for the trip down), etc....I am talking down to the last hour of every single day of vacation.

 

I don't know how to ask her to back off without hurting her feelings. I mean, me and my mom, we can go our seperate ways and not offend each other. But my cousin on the other hand...likes to tag along or will get really upset if we chose to do something separate. I am not a comedy show kind of person and she wants me to go with her to all the shows. Stuff like that.

 

It is also me and my husbands 10 year anniversary trip and we will no doubt want some privacy and time to ourselves.

 

She has already made it known to the rest of us that we won't be sleeping in because she is going to come bang on or doors as we can't miss out on anything that she is going to want to do. Ahhhh.

 

This is our very first cruise and first vacation in YEARS. We all kind of want to relax and have fun and not worry about others. I can understand this may be an issue in any large group that travels together.

 

Anyone out there traveled in a large group and faced similar issues?? Any tips or ideas on how to handle this situation? I want to have a good trip but without ruining hers. Seeing how she joined up on her own without being asked (Can't tell her no...free country. LOL)

 

Either way. I am super excited for my trip and don't see much getting in the way of fun anyway but want some ideas to advise her to be accepting about us all doing our own thing.

Try to compromise....tell her she can plan specific dates (port days??) but other dates (sea days???) should be left to each person to do as they choose. Win Win for everyone.

It sounds like time for some straight talking - now, before you get on the ship. It's better to have the argument now, rather than while on the cruise.

Tell your cousin that you and your husband have made some plans for yourselves, will not be joined to your cousin at the hip, and will do some things with her, but not everything.

That is a good idea. :-) I guess we are all just an eclectic mix with very different tastes and originally the plan was for everyone to go together but do their own thing on their own time. I homeschool my kids and already have an excursion planned to the ruins for one of the port days. I will try to compromise with her on sea days as she really likes the shows and whatnot. LOL I will just have to make sure it does not turn into an every night thing.

That is a good idea. :-) I guess we are all just an eclectic mix with very different tastes and originally the plan was for everyone to go together but do their own thing on their own time. I homeschool my kids and already have an excursion planned to the ruins for one of the port days. I will try to compromise with her on sea days as she really likes the shows and whatnot. LOL I will just have to make sure it does not turn into an every night thing.

Has this person cruised before? Are they aware how go with the flow a cruise can really be? And how easy it is to meet up with people?

It seems to me that you should be able to remind her that this is your first vacation in years, as well as your 10 year anniversary trip and you plan on some private time. Request that she not bang on your door but rather, buy some of those erasable marker boards for everyone's door. Then you can leave notes!

Ask her to please let you know the things she has planned, and tell her you will certainly let her know what you are interested in. Also, you can certainly excuse yourself from say a dinner or two...feed the kids early or through camp and have a private dinner at a specialty restaurant.

I wouldn't worry about hurting her feelings...it seems like she isn't worried about you, but only her wants. And you are clearly kind and will be able to "control" your vacation in a gentle manner.

If she thinks it is OK to bang on doors then just mention to her now that one of the neighbors will likely phone security, and that people who are a nuisance or not complying with instructions from security can be kicked off at the next port.

Wow, I think you need to have a frank talk with her. I say this as a member of overplanners anonymous. I too plan my trips to the hour. I *think* my family is happy tagging along. I wear them out, march them from place to place like a drill seargent til they can go no further - in the end the rant and rave about all the wonderful things we did and what a wonderful trip we had. Would I subject someone NOT in my immediate family to this type of "vacation"? Um, no. I'd give them my itinerary, tell them "this is what we are doing and when, we'd love to have you join us if you choose". I would also caution them that I don't wait for stragglers. But I don't drag unsuspecting bystanders into my vacation craziness!

Anyway, just have a talk and decide ahead of time exactly what you DO pland to do together. Dinner every night is a good start. Maybe pick some excursions that the entire group will enjoy. Other than that, yes, as others have mentioned, the beauty of the cruise is that everyone CAN go their own way and meet up later and discuss your adventures!

Good luck!

Try to compromise....tell her she can plan specific dates (port days??) but other dates (sea days???) should be left to each person to do as they choose. Win Win for everyone.

Wake up early, run and hide!! Lol

But seriously, honesty is the best policy. If she can't handle the fact that you want to enjoy this vacation, your way, oh well. Good luck!

It looks like you have a little bit until your cruise, so maybe her enthusiasm will die down a touch prior to your departure :). When she talks about planning and what she wants everyone to do together, take that time to mention that you have some activities of your own planned and you would love to do a few things all together but want to spend some time apart as well.

I agree with those that say do it now and don't wait until too close to departure. We have been in a similar situation and it almost happened again when my parents mentioned they were ready for another cruise this past week-end and looking into booking the same cruise as us :eek::eek:.....we vacation a lot with my parents and sometimes you just want to feel like an adult and go with your own family and not all the extras!!! Good Luck!!!

Thank you all so much!! I think the idea with the dry erase boards on the doors is awesome. That is a good way for her to be able to let us know what she is up to if she wants us to come join her and vice versa. My hubby reminded me (ribbed mel lol) that on our honeymoon, I did the same thing...planned like crazy and had my own little itinerary and it drove him crazy. Haha...once we got there though...things changed a lot. I guess I wore myself out trying to see everything I wanted to see.

She has never been on a cruise and we haven't either. I am sure we will all be pleasantly surprised at the variety of things we can do and people we can meet. We definately have some time and I also like the idea of letting her know about the things we have planned that we would enjoy extra company doing. I know we will all spend *some* time together but I need to let her know we need some private family time too. I was surprised when we booked our cruise how many people suddenly started looking to book the same cruise and all go together...what was meant to be a small family vacation..is blossoming into a huge family reunion.

Running and hiding is also a good idea. Hahaha just kidding.

If she thinks it is OK to bang on doors then just mention to her now that one of the neighbors will likely phone security, and that people who are a nuisance or not complying with instructions from security can be kicked off at the next port.

This person not only likes to bang on doors at an ungodly hour but also just walk in. She is the sweetest person ever but can be overbearing. She does this to me at home...shows up unannounced and just walks in like she owns the place. It's just her personality. Ha. I will have to tell her that though...that if she does that she will probably disrupt others too.

This person not only likes to bang on doors at an ungodly hour but also just walk in. She is the sweetest person ever but can be overbearing. She does this to me at home...shows up unannounced and just walks in like she owns the place. It's just her personality. Ha. I will have to tell her that though...that if she does that she will probably disrupt others too.

Good thing she won't be able to get into your room!

Regardless of who paid for the cabin, you would be able to call and change your cabin assignment. If I were you, I would call my travel agent or PVP and change to a different cabin(hopefully there is availability). I would totally keep the cabin number confidential.

OK. You got some good suggestions. Your cousin sounds like a member of my family who will remain anonymous.

As one who has traveled with family members on several cruises (one with 29 of us), I gotta tell you not everyone can do EVERYTHING together. Everyone has different interests, some love sightseeing, some love shopping and some just want to read and relax.

We have always said from the get go that everyone would do their own thing. If other members want to join you, great. If not, it's everyone's vacation.

We always met for dinner and had great conversations hearing about everyone else's day.

I am the planner in the family, but not a control freak. I want everyone to have a great time, I make sure that everyone has all the info that they need.

Got to have a heart to heart with your cuz. If she is as sweethearted as you say, she may be disappointed, but she should understand.

By the way, if anyone banged on my door when I was sleeping, heaven help them.

Best of luck. Let us know how it turns out.

I know you don't want to hurt her, but really, you are going to have to be frank and tough. It still may not work, since she seems to be very, uh, controlling and self-minded, but this is really overboard.

We have cruised with family groups and usually met up at dinner, just naturally did activities together (pool, shows, etc.) and everyone had the choice to go or not go to other things. But, no one was badgered or guilted into doing something they didn't want to do.

Maybe print off what you posted, as well as the comments of others, and let her read them. Maybe it will be an eye-opener for her, or maybe she will just laugh it off, but at least she will be on notice.

With some people, only hard truths will work. Unfortunately, some can't change, so you will have to forge ahead and do what you want to do.

If your cousin is a meticulous planner, and collects brochures and information months in advance, are you sure you made yourself anonymous enough on this forum to assure yourself that she wouldn't recognize the situation you describe if she should visit Cruise Critic to research things the kids can do?

This is, after all, her first cruise as well.

Wow you're obviously a kinder person than I am. If I had somebody "announce" to me that they had planned my vacation time for me I promise you I wouldn't have their feelings in mind when I responded! So give yourself some points for already being ahead of the curve.

So long as the cousin is even moderately well adjusted she will be okay after you talk to her. She may be upset at first but after a while surely she'll realize that it's your vacation too.

We've never cruised or vacationed with family - dear god I can't imagine anything worse - but we've gone with friends. Although not as relaxing as by ourselves we had a great time. We agreed ahead of time that we'd do dinner together at night but other than that we just met up when we wanted. It is easier to find somebody on board than you'd think. Well at least easier than I thought it would be.

My wife and I are very seat-of-the-pants cruisers. We don't plan our excursions and just pick something when we step off the boat. Traveling with someone as you've described would absolutely ruin their trip. Not mine because I would set them straight in a heartbeat!

Good luck and don't feel guilty about telling her what you want. If you don't you'll resent her and that will last a lot longer than just a ruined cruise!

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You need to tell this person that you've already made your own plans...thank her for the trouble, but you won't be following her guidelines.

Once you learn how to say, "No" to someone, it's a VERY, freeing feeling!

Like others, I say to talk to her, stating that you are on a 10th anniversary cruise & will do some things with the group, but not others. Let her tell you what she has planned & either say "yes, we will join you" or NO THANK YOU - that's our time. Don't let her change your mind. At the evening meals - except for your special meal (if you choose to do one with just the 2 of you) - everyone can share experiences. Same with the evening entertainment. Don't be afraid to tell her that comedy is not your thing.

Have a great trip.

Regardless of who paid for the cabin, you would be able to call and change your cabin assignment. If I were you, I would call my travel agent or PVP and change to a different cabin(hopefully there is availability). I would totally keep the cabin number confidential.

I was thinking the exact same thing! I would say that you were "upgraded at the port" - surprise! ;)

Never having been on a ship before - she would have no idea.

And we are now - ummm what's our number? I can never remember - I just walk there. I go by landmarks ;)

Remember the old Ann Landers gem: No one can take advantage of you without your permission!

You need to talk to your cousin now. Start with telling her how much you love her, and how excited you are that she is joining you on your family vacation. Then explain to her that while you love doing things together, on this cruise vacation, you and your family plan on approaching things with a very relaxed and UNSCHEDULED attitude. Tell her that dinner each evening is about all you are willing to commit to in advance, but you will look forward to hearing about her days adventures. Be firm. Say no. If she threatens to come knocking on your door, tell her that you will hate to hurt her feelings, but you have no plans on giving in to her demands. This is everyones vacation, and everyone is entitled to make their own plans.

Most of all - DO NOT MAKE ANY EXCUSES for your reasons!! Once you start trying to 'explain' why you feel this way, it opens the door for her to try and change your mind.

Remember - "We will enjoy meeting you for dinner each evening, and the rest of the time our family is going to play it by ear!"

Good luck!

If your cousin is a meticulous planner, and collects brochures and information months in advance, are you sure you made yourself anonymous enough on this forum to assure yourself that she wouldn't recognize the situation you describe if she should visit Cruise Critic to research things the kids can do?

 

This is, after all, her first cruise as well.

I actually thought about that. I would not be too upset if she came across this post. Just like one of the above posters mentioned to maybe print this out and let her read. I don't know if I would do that but if she came across this and asked me, I would definitely tell her that I was needing advice from other family cruisers who want to make sure everyone enjoys their vacation, their way.

Me and my mom were actually just talking today about planning a "Family Cruise Planning Meeting" where all of us can get together, eat snacks, talk about packing needs and excursions, and to all set our boundaries and expectations. We are all going to talk about what our plans are and what we won't accept (banging on doors, etc). I *think* she may be upset BUT it will be a group thing...so my mom is going to tell me about her needing private time as well, etc so it wil not really target her specifically.

Is your cousin traveling solo or is she bringing her own family along? I am just wondering if maybe she is afraid of being alone with no one to hang out with.

You need to talk to your family asap and make it known that this is your vacation and you want to "have it your way".

We travel with other people now and then. We always talk with them prior to the trip about what our and their expectations are. The rule has always been: you do what you want, we will do what we want and if they correspond, great. If not, we will see you at dinner. Dinner was always planned together. This always worked for us and them.

Is your cousin traveling solo or is she bringing her own family along? I am just wondering if maybe she is afraid of being alone with no one to hang out with.

Her husband will be with her as well. So that will help as I am sure she can find things to do with him :-)