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  #1  
Old July 24th, 2012, 11:20 AM
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Default Jokes, Limericks, etc.

An egg and a chicken are in bed. The chicken is sitting up with a big smile on his face, smoking a cigarette. The egg, with a look of frustration, pulls up the covers, rolls over on her side away from the chicken and says "Well, at least now we have an answer to THAT question.
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  #2  
Old July 24th, 2012, 11:23 AM
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Why did the strait-laced dowager stop going to the Philharmonic?

Excessive sax and violins.
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Celebrity Equinox, Venice Overnight, 10/14/2014
Celebrity Equinox, Transatlantic, 10/27/2014
Celebrity Eclipse, Southern Caribbean, 2/15/2015
Celebrity Silhouette, Transatlantic, 10/31/2015
Celebrity Reflection, Eastern Caribbean, 1/9/2016
Past Cruises:
Celebrity Equinox, Ultimate Caribbean, 1/31/2014
Celebrity Equinox, Transatlantic, 11/25/2013
Celebrity Equinox, Ultimate Caribbean, 2/1/2013
Celebrity Infinity, Panama Canal, 11/22/2012
Celebrity Solstice, Western Caribbean, 3/4/2012
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  #3  
Old July 24th, 2012, 11:29 AM
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An older couple had been dating for a few weeks when the man decided to be bold. "How do you like sex?" he asked. "I like it infrequently," she answered. He thought for a minute, then asked, "Is that one word or two?"
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Celebrity Equinox, Transatlantic, 10/27/2014
Celebrity Eclipse, Southern Caribbean, 2/15/2015
Celebrity Silhouette, Transatlantic, 10/31/2015
Celebrity Reflection, Eastern Caribbean, 1/9/2016
Past Cruises:
Celebrity Equinox, Ultimate Caribbean, 1/31/2014
Celebrity Equinox, Transatlantic, 11/25/2013
Celebrity Equinox, Ultimate Caribbean, 2/1/2013
Celebrity Infinity, Panama Canal, 11/22/2012
Celebrity Solstice, Western Caribbean, 3/4/2012
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  #4  
Old July 24th, 2012, 11:32 AM
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Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them gasps, grabs his heart and collapses. The other whips out his cellphone and calls 911.

"I think my friend just died," he said. "What do I do?"

The operator says, "Calm down. The first thing we need to do is make sure he's dead."

The line goes quiet, then a shot rings out.

The hunter gets back on the phone. "Okay. Now what?"
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Celebrity Equinox, Transatlantic, 10/27/2014
Celebrity Eclipse, Southern Caribbean, 2/15/2015
Celebrity Silhouette, Transatlantic, 10/31/2015
Celebrity Reflection, Eastern Caribbean, 1/9/2016
Past Cruises:
Celebrity Equinox, Ultimate Caribbean, 1/31/2014
Celebrity Equinox, Transatlantic, 11/25/2013
Celebrity Equinox, Ultimate Caribbean, 2/1/2013
Celebrity Infinity, Panama Canal, 11/22/2012
Celebrity Solstice, Western Caribbean, 3/4/2012
Celebrity Solstice, Western Caribbean, 12/11/2011
Celebrity Solstice, Mediterranean/Greek Isles, 9/17/2011
Celebrity Solstice, Eastern Caribbean, 4/3/2011

Last edited by Hollywood Traveler; July 24th, 2012 at 11:33 AM.
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  #5  
Old July 24th, 2012, 11:36 AM
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Yo momma's so fat when her beeper goes off people think she's backing up.

Yeah, well yo momma's so fat when she hauls ass she has to go back for a second load.
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Celebrity Equinox, Venice Overnight, 10/14/2014
Celebrity Equinox, Transatlantic, 10/27/2014
Celebrity Eclipse, Southern Caribbean, 2/15/2015
Celebrity Silhouette, Transatlantic, 10/31/2015
Celebrity Reflection, Eastern Caribbean, 1/9/2016
Past Cruises:
Celebrity Equinox, Ultimate Caribbean, 1/31/2014
Celebrity Equinox, Transatlantic, 11/25/2013
Celebrity Equinox, Ultimate Caribbean, 2/1/2013
Celebrity Infinity, Panama Canal, 11/22/2012
Celebrity Solstice, Western Caribbean, 3/4/2012
Celebrity Solstice, Western Caribbean, 12/11/2011
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  #6  
Old July 24th, 2012, 11:39 AM
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René Descartes goes in a bar and asks for a glass of red wine.

"We've got a great special today on martinis," the bartender says. "Would you like to try one?"

"Hmm. I think not," Descartes says, and POOF, he disappears.
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Celebrity Eclipse, Southern Caribbean, 2/15/2015
Celebrity Silhouette, Transatlantic, 10/31/2015
Celebrity Reflection, Eastern Caribbean, 1/9/2016
Past Cruises:
Celebrity Equinox, Ultimate Caribbean, 1/31/2014
Celebrity Equinox, Transatlantic, 11/25/2013
Celebrity Equinox, Ultimate Caribbean, 2/1/2013
Celebrity Infinity, Panama Canal, 11/22/2012
Celebrity Solstice, Western Caribbean, 3/4/2012
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  #7  
Old July 24th, 2012, 11:45 AM
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A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks, "Do you have V1agra?"

"Yes I do," the pharmacist replies.

"Does it really work?" she asks.

He smiles and says "It certainly does."

"Can you get it over the counter?" she asks.

"For that I'd have to take two," he answers.

(I can't believe they censor V1agra.)
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Celebrity Equinox, Venice Overnight, 10/14/2014
Celebrity Equinox, Transatlantic, 10/27/2014
Celebrity Eclipse, Southern Caribbean, 2/15/2015
Celebrity Silhouette, Transatlantic, 10/31/2015
Celebrity Reflection, Eastern Caribbean, 1/9/2016
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Celebrity Equinox, Ultimate Caribbean, 1/31/2014
Celebrity Equinox, Transatlantic, 11/25/2013
Celebrity Equinox, Ultimate Caribbean, 2/1/2013
Celebrity Infinity, Panama Canal, 11/22/2012
Celebrity Solstice, Western Caribbean, 3/4/2012
Celebrity Solstice, Western Caribbean, 12/11/2011
Celebrity Solstice, Mediterranean/Greek Isles, 9/17/2011
Celebrity Solstice, Eastern Caribbean, 4/3/2011

Last edited by Hollywood Traveler; July 24th, 2012 at 11:47 AM.
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  #8  
Old July 24th, 2012, 11:53 AM
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A representative for a condom manufacturer was on her way to an international condom convention. While rushing through the airport she dropped her sample case and spilled condoms all over the floor. As she was picking them up she noticed a policeman looking at her kind of funny. "It's okay," she told him. "I'm going to a convention."
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Celebrity Equinox, Transatlantic, 10/27/2014
Celebrity Eclipse, Southern Caribbean, 2/15/2015
Celebrity Silhouette, Transatlantic, 10/31/2015
Celebrity Reflection, Eastern Caribbean, 1/9/2016
Past Cruises:
Celebrity Equinox, Ultimate Caribbean, 1/31/2014
Celebrity Equinox, Transatlantic, 11/25/2013
Celebrity Equinox, Ultimate Caribbean, 2/1/2013
Celebrity Infinity, Panama Canal, 11/22/2012
Celebrity Solstice, Western Caribbean, 3/4/2012
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  #9  
Old July 24th, 2012, 11:59 AM
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A man goes to his rabbi and says, "Rabbi, I think my wife is trying to poison me."

The rabbi tells him he'll talk to his wife and get back with him.

The next day the man comes in, sits down, and asks, "What did you find out?"

"I talked to your wife for more than two hours yesterday," the rabbi says. "Take the poison."
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Celebrity Equinox, Venice Overnight, 10/14/2014
Celebrity Equinox, Transatlantic, 10/27/2014
Celebrity Eclipse, Southern Caribbean, 2/15/2015
Celebrity Silhouette, Transatlantic, 10/31/2015
Celebrity Reflection, Eastern Caribbean, 1/9/2016
Past Cruises:
Celebrity Equinox, Ultimate Caribbean, 1/31/2014
Celebrity Equinox, Transatlantic, 11/25/2013
Celebrity Equinox, Ultimate Caribbean, 2/1/2013
Celebrity Infinity, Panama Canal, 11/22/2012
Celebrity Solstice, Western Caribbean, 3/4/2012
Celebrity Solstice, Western Caribbean, 12/11/2011
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  #10  
Old July 24th, 2012, 01:09 PM
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Sharon: This one's just for you.

How do you make a one-armed blonde fall out of a tree?
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Celebrity Eclipse, Southern Caribbean, 2/15/2015
Celebrity Silhouette, Transatlantic, 10/31/2015
Celebrity Reflection, Eastern Caribbean, 1/9/2016
Past Cruises:
Celebrity Equinox, Ultimate Caribbean, 1/31/2014
Celebrity Equinox, Transatlantic, 11/25/2013
Celebrity Equinox, Ultimate Caribbean, 2/1/2013
Celebrity Infinity, Panama Canal, 11/22/2012
Celebrity Solstice, Western Caribbean, 3/4/2012
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  #11  
Old July 24th, 2012, 01:17 PM
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This one may be my favorite blonde joke:

A ventriloquist performing at a club starts running through a series of blonde jokes when suddenly a large blonde woman stands up and says, "Okay, jerk. I've had just about enough of you insulting blonde women. What makes you think you can sterotype us that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with their worth as an individual? It's guys like you that make it hard for women like me to get the respect we deserve in our communities."

Flustered, the ventriloquist starts to apologize when the blonde shouts at him: "You stay out of this, mister. I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee."
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Celebrity Equinox, Venice Overnight, 10/14/2014
Celebrity Equinox, Transatlantic, 10/27/2014
Celebrity Eclipse, Southern Caribbean, 2/15/2015
Celebrity Silhouette, Transatlantic, 10/31/2015
Celebrity Reflection, Eastern Caribbean, 1/9/2016
Past Cruises:
Celebrity Equinox, Ultimate Caribbean, 1/31/2014
Celebrity Equinox, Transatlantic, 11/25/2013
Celebrity Equinox, Ultimate Caribbean, 2/1/2013
Celebrity Infinity, Panama Canal, 11/22/2012
Celebrity Solstice, Western Caribbean, 3/4/2012
Celebrity Solstice, Western Caribbean, 12/11/2011
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  #12  
Old July 24th, 2012, 01:22 PM
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A proton, an electron and a neutron walked into a bar and they all ordered a beer. After serving them, the bartender told the proton and electron their beers were $4 each. "What about our friend?" they asked. "Oh," said the bartender. "For him there's no charge."

(A loud groan is appropriate here.)
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Celebrity Equinox, Venice Overnight, 10/14/2014
Celebrity Equinox, Transatlantic, 10/27/2014
Celebrity Eclipse, Southern Caribbean, 2/15/2015
Celebrity Silhouette, Transatlantic, 10/31/2015
Celebrity Reflection, Eastern Caribbean, 1/9/2016
Past Cruises:
Celebrity Equinox, Ultimate Caribbean, 1/31/2014
Celebrity Equinox, Transatlantic, 11/25/2013
Celebrity Equinox, Ultimate Caribbean, 2/1/2013
Celebrity Infinity, Panama Canal, 11/22/2012
Celebrity Solstice, Western Caribbean, 3/4/2012
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  #13  
Old July 24th, 2012, 01:30 PM
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Two older couples sitting in the Molecular Bar onboard the Solstice are talking about having trouble remembering things. One of the men starts bragging about a memory clinic he went to recently.

"It was a big help. They taught us all the latest psychological techniques -- visualization, association, other tricks like that. It made a fantastic difference in me."

"That's great," replied the other man. "What was the name of the clinic?"

The first man's face goes blank. He's obviously thinking, but nothing's coming. Suddenly he breaks out with a big smile. "What do you call that red flower with a long stem that has all those thorns?"

"You mean a rose?" the other man asks.

"That's it. Thanks," he said. Turning to his wife, he said, "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"
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Celebrity Equinox, Venice Overnight, 10/14/2014
Celebrity Equinox, Transatlantic, 10/27/2014
Celebrity Eclipse, Southern Caribbean, 2/15/2015
Celebrity Silhouette, Transatlantic, 10/31/2015
Celebrity Reflection, Eastern Caribbean, 1/9/2016
Past Cruises:
Celebrity Equinox, Ultimate Caribbean, 1/31/2014
Celebrity Equinox, Transatlantic, 11/25/2013
Celebrity Equinox, Ultimate Caribbean, 2/1/2013
Celebrity Infinity, Panama Canal, 11/22/2012
Celebrity Solstice, Western Caribbean, 3/4/2012
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  #14  
Old July 24th, 2012, 02:08 PM
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They censor V1agra but not condoms and ass?

LOVE the Descartes, the memory clinic... and one other but I can't remember. I think it had to do with a policeman going to a convention.

~~~ Waving to everyone from my tree ~~~
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  #15  
Old July 24th, 2012, 02:14 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bighairtexan View Post
They censor V1agra but not condoms and ass?

LOVE the Descartes, the memory clinic... and one other but I can't remember. I think it had to do with a policeman going to a convention.

~~~ Waving to everyone from my tree ~~~
Wait. You didn't answer the one about the blonde in the tree. Oh, wait. You were being very clever. It was just so subtle I didn't catch it right at first.
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Celebrity Equinox, Venice Overnight, 10/14/2014
Celebrity Equinox, Transatlantic, 10/27/2014
Celebrity Eclipse, Southern Caribbean, 2/15/2015
Celebrity Silhouette, Transatlantic, 10/31/2015
Celebrity Reflection, Eastern Caribbean, 1/9/2016
Past Cruises:
Celebrity Equinox, Ultimate Caribbean, 1/31/2014
Celebrity Equinox, Transatlantic, 11/25/2013
Celebrity Equinox, Ultimate Caribbean, 2/1/2013
Celebrity Infinity, Panama Canal, 11/22/2012
Celebrity Solstice, Western Caribbean, 3/4/2012
Celebrity Solstice, Western Caribbean, 12/11/2011
Celebrity Solstice, Mediterranean/Greek Isles, 9/17/2011
Celebrity Solstice, Eastern Caribbean, 4/3/2011

Last edited by Hollywood Traveler; July 24th, 2012 at 02:16 PM.
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  #16  
Old July 24th, 2012, 05:52 PM
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A man is driving down the road with 20 penguins in the back seat when a cop pulls him over. The cop sees the penguins and tells him it's dangerous to have that many penguins in the back seat and tells the man he should take them to the zoo.

The next day the same man is stopped by the same policeman and he has 20 penguins in the back seat. The cop says, "I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo."

"I did," the man replies. "Today I'm taking them to a movie."
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Celebrity Equinox, Venice Overnight, 10/14/2014
Celebrity Equinox, Transatlantic, 10/27/2014
Celebrity Eclipse, Southern Caribbean, 2/15/2015
Celebrity Silhouette, Transatlantic, 10/31/2015
Celebrity Reflection, Eastern Caribbean, 1/9/2016
Past Cruises:
Celebrity Equinox, Ultimate Caribbean, 1/31/2014
Celebrity Equinox, Transatlantic, 11/25/2013
Celebrity Equinox, Ultimate Caribbean, 2/1/2013
Celebrity Infinity, Panama Canal, 11/22/2012
Celebrity Solstice, Western Caribbean, 3/4/2012
Celebrity Solstice, Western Caribbean, 12/11/2011
Celebrity Solstice, Mediterranean/Greek Isles, 9/17/2011
Celebrity Solstice, Eastern Caribbean, 4/3/2011
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  #17  
Old July 24th, 2012, 06:01 PM
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Two lawyers are stranded on a deserted island for weeks with nothing to do and nothing to eat but coconuts. One day they see a beautiful naked woman drifting by on a large piece of driftwood, so they wade out and bring her ashore. Although she's unconscious, she's still alive. A few hours later she's still unconscious, and one of the lawyers turns to the other and asks, "So, do you think we ought to screw her?"

The other responds, "Out of what?"
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Future Cruises:
Celebrity Equinox, Venice Overnight, 10/14/2014
Celebrity Equinox, Transatlantic, 10/27/2014
Celebrity Eclipse, Southern Caribbean, 2/15/2015
Celebrity Silhouette, Transatlantic, 10/31/2015
Celebrity Reflection, Eastern Caribbean, 1/9/2016
Past Cruises:
Celebrity Equinox, Ultimate Caribbean, 1/31/2014
Celebrity Equinox, Transatlantic, 11/25/2013
Celebrity Equinox, Ultimate Caribbean, 2/1/2013
Celebrity Infinity, Panama Canal, 11/22/2012
Celebrity Solstice, Western Caribbean, 3/4/2012
Celebrity Solstice, Western Caribbean, 12/11/2011
Celebrity Solstice, Mediterranean/Greek Isles, 9/17/2011
Celebrity Solstice, Eastern Caribbean, 4/3/2011

Last edited by Hollywood Traveler; July 24th, 2012 at 06:01 PM.
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  #18  
Old July 24th, 2012, 06:59 PM
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An old man is sitting in a rocking chair on his front porch when a little kid walks by with bunches of chicken wire in his arms. The old man stops him.
"Hey kid, what're you plannin' on doin' with all that there chicken wire?"
"I'm gonna catch me some chickens!"
"Don't be silly, kid. You can't catch chickens with chicken wire."
After a few hours, the kid walks back carrying five hens and three roosters in his hands. The old man is amazed, flabbergast.
The next day, the kid walks by again. This time he has rolls and rolls of duck tape.
"What're you doin' with all that duck tape?"
"I'm gonna catch me some ducks!"
"Kid, you're crazy - you can't catch ducks with duck tape."
The kid walks on, and about an hour later he comes back with armfuls of ducks- he can hardly carry them all.
The next day, the kid passes carrying bundles of pussy willows.
The old man says, "WAIT! I'll go get my hat!"
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  #19  
Old July 24th, 2012, 07:09 PM
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I think this is the longest, most awful joke I've ever heard. So that makes it memorable:

A guy has spent five years traveling all around the world making a documentary on native dances.

At the end of this time, he has every single native dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film. He winds up in Australia, in Alice Springs, so he pops into a pub for a well earned beer. He gets talking to one of the local Aborigines and tells him about his project.

The Aborigine asks the guy what he thought of the "Butcher Dance."

The guy's a bit confused and says, "Butcher Dance? What's that?"

"What? You haven't seen the Butcher Dance?"

"No, I've never heard of it."

"Oh mate. You are crazy. How can you say you have filmed every native dance if you have not seen the Butcher Dance?"

"Umm. I got a corroboree on film just the other week. Is that what you mean?" "No no, not corroboree. The Butcher Dance is much more important than corroboree."

"Oh, well how can I see this Butcher Dance then?"

"Mate, Butcher Dance right out in the bush. It takes many days of travel to go see Butcher Dance."

"Look, I've been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepest darkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances. Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance."

"OK, mate. You drive north along highway towards Darwin. After you drive 197 miles, you see dirt track veer off to left. Follow dirt track for 126 miles til you see big huge dead gum tree - biggest tree you ever see. Leave your car there because it is too rough to drive. Walk due west for 8 days and you will find the village where you can see the Butcher Dance."

So the guy grabs his camera crew and equipment and heads out. After a couple of hours he finds the dirt track. The track is in a shocking state and he's forced to crawl along at a snails pace and so he doesn't reach the tree until dusk and he's forced to set up camp for the night.

He sets out bright and early the following morning. His spirits are high and he's excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysterious dance which he had never heard mention of before.

Eight arduous days later they virtually stagger into the village where the natives feed them and give them fresh water. They begin to feel like new men. Once he's recovered enough, the guy goes before the village chief and tells him that he has come to film there Butcher Dance.

"Oh mate. It's very bad that you came today. The Butcher Dance was last night. You are too late. You missed dance."

"Well, when do you hold the next dance?"

"Not 'til next year."

"Well, I've come all this way. Couldn't you just hold an extra dance for me, tonight?"

"No, no, no! The Butcher Dance very special. It is performed once a year. If it is performed more, the gods get very angry and destroy village! If you want see the Butcher Dance you come back next year."

The guy is devastated but he has no other option but to head back to civilization and back home.

The following year, he heads back to Australia and, determined not to miss out again, sets out a week earlier than last time. He is quite willing to spend a week in the village before the dance is performed in order to ensure he is present to witness it.

However, right from the start things go wrong. Heavy rains made the first leg of the trip very slow going and what should have been 8 days of hiking turned into 14 days because of various storms, injuries and such.

Eventually, having lost all sense of how long they have been traveling, they stagger into the village at about midday.

"The Butcher Dance!" gasps the guy. "Please don't tell me I'm too late!"

The chief recognizes him and says "No, white fella. The Butcher Dance is tonight. You came just in time."

Relieved beyond measure, the crew spends the rest of the afternoon setting up their equipment - preparing to capture the night's ritual on celluloid.

As dusk falls, the natives start to cover their bodies in white paint and adorn themselves in all manner of bird's feathers and animal skins.

Once darkness has settled fully over the land, the natives form a circle around a huge roaring fire.

A deathly hush descends over performers and spectators alike as a wizened old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire body enters the circle and begins to chant.

Some sort of witch doctor or medicine man, figures the guy and he whispers to the chief, "What's he doing?"

"Hush," whispers the chief. "You are the first white man ever to see most sacred of our rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the spirits of the dream world watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them through our dance and, if they like our dancing, will they be so gracious as to watch over us and protect us for another year."

The chanting of the Holy man reaches a stunning crescendo before he moves himself from the circle. From somewhere the rhythmic pounding of drums booms out across the land and the natives begin to sway.

The guy is becoming caught up in the fervor of the moment himself. This is it. He now realizes beyond all doubt that his wait has not been in vain. He is about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and movement ever conceived by mankind.

The chief strides to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, starts to sing,

"You butcher right foot in..."

(Sorry. This was for Moira.)
__________________
Future Cruises:
Celebrity Equinox, Venice Overnight, 10/14/2014
Celebrity Equinox, Transatlantic, 10/27/2014
Celebrity Eclipse, Southern Caribbean, 2/15/2015
Celebrity Silhouette, Transatlantic, 10/31/2015
Celebrity Reflection, Eastern Caribbean, 1/9/2016
Past Cruises:
Celebrity Equinox, Ultimate Caribbean, 1/31/2014
Celebrity Equinox, Transatlantic, 11/25/2013
Celebrity Equinox, Ultimate Caribbean, 2/1/2013
Celebrity Infinity, Panama Canal, 11/22/2012
Celebrity Solstice, Western Caribbean, 3/4/2012
Celebrity Solstice, Western Caribbean, 12/11/2011
Celebrity Solstice, Mediterranean/Greek Isles, 9/17/2011
Celebrity Solstice, Eastern Caribbean, 4/3/2011

Last edited by Hollywood Traveler; July 24th, 2012 at 07:19 PM.
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  #20  
Old July 24th, 2012, 07:16 PM
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A musician who signs up with an orchestra onboard a cruise ship is having difficulty keeping time with the rest of the orchestra. Finally, the cruise director tells him he either has to learn to keep time or he'll be thrown overboard. "It’s up to you. Sync or swim.”
__________________
Future Cruises:
Celebrity Equinox, Venice Overnight, 10/14/2014
Celebrity Equinox, Transatlantic, 10/27/2014
Celebrity Eclipse, Southern Caribbean, 2/15/2015
Celebrity Silhouette, Transatlantic, 10/31/2015
Celebrity Reflection, Eastern Caribbean, 1/9/2016
Past Cruises:
Celebrity Equinox, Ultimate Caribbean, 1/31/2014
Celebrity Equinox, Transatlantic, 11/25/2013
Celebrity Equinox, Ultimate Caribbean, 2/1/2013
Celebrity Infinity, Panama Canal, 11/22/2012
Celebrity Solstice, Western Caribbean, 3/4/2012
Celebrity Solstice, Western Caribbean, 12/11/2011
Celebrity Solstice, Mediterranean/Greek Isles, 9/17/2011
Celebrity Solstice, Eastern Caribbean, 4/3/2011
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