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centurycruiser

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Everything posted by centurycruiser

  1. I got some powdered water. I don’t know what to add. For every action there is an equal and opposite over reaction. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism. One day you are the best thing since sliced bread. The next day you are toast. I want to be rich enough to be considered eccentric instead of nuts.
  2. Does refusing to go to the gym count as resistance training? I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row. I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
  3. Alibaba, keep them coming! I am reading a book about anti gravity. I can’t put it down. I used to think I was indecisive. Now I am not sure. Give me ambiguity or give me something else. I wasn’t going to get a brain transplant, but, then I changed my mind. I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”? Do you know how to make a dumb person curious? No. I’ll tell you tomorrow.
  4. Alibaba, thanks for sharing. A friend of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.... A man walked into a restaurant. They said “we can’t seat you without a tie.” He said the only thing he had he could wear as a tie was jumper cables. They said “ You can come in but, you better not start anything.”
  5. Let's get on the ball Celebrity joke board. Don't let me do all the heavy carrying!
  6. This board really needs help. It it about 60 pages behind Royal Caribbean's joke board! I can’t believe I got fired from my job in the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off. 'I once had a job in a deli, but just couldn't slice it. No matter how hard I tried, I could not cut the mustard.' Two guys stole a calendar. They each got 6 months. My first job was working in an orange juice factory. I got canned; couldn’t concentrate. I got fired from my job in the kitchen for stealing. It was a whisk I was willing to take. I used to work in a factory where they made fire hydrants. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place. I couldn’t believe my father, the highway worker, was fired for stealing. But, when I got home the signs were all there.
  7. This board really needs help. It it about 60 pages behind Royal Caribbean's joke board! As Bill was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his Mary's voice urgently warning him, "Bill, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 95. Please be careful!" ”Heck”,said Bill, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
  8. This board really needs help. It it about 60 pages behind Royal Caribbean's joke board! A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but its state of the art. It's perfect.' 'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?' 'Twelve thirty', he replied. Bill, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Bill walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Bill and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Bill replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful." The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."
  9. This board really needs help. It it about 60 pages behind Royal Caribbean's joke board! Think old and you’ll be old. Think young and you’ll be a delusional old fart. You know you’re old when an “all nighter” means not having to get up in the middle of the night to pee. Old is when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of the police. Old is when your sweetie says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love,” and you answer, “Honey I can’t do both.” Old is when going braless pulls the wrinkles out of your face. Old is when “getting a little action” means you don’t have to take any fiber today. Old is when “getting lucky” means you find your car in the parking lot. Old is when a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door. Once you become the world’s oldest person, there is nothing you can do to lose that title. Being the world’s youngest person is the world record most frequently broken.
  10. This board really needs help. It it about 60 pages behind Royal Caribbean's joke board! I like birthdays but too many can kill you. Death is hereditary. Good health is merely the slowest way to die. Aging gracefully is just a nice way of saying “you’re slowly looking worse.” What if oxygen is really deadly, but, just kills you very slowly? When I was a kid, I wanted to be older. This ***** is not what I expected.
  11. This board really needs help. It it about 60 pages behind Royal Caribbean's joke board! Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving. Eat right stay fit. Die anyway. I plan on living forever, or, die trying. I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
  12. This board really needs help. It it about 60 pages behind Royal Caribbean's joke board! A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants, a peg leg and a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, “Hey, you’ve got a steering wheel on your pants.” The pirate says, “Arrrr, And, it’s driving me nuts.”
  13. This board really needs help. It it about 60 pages behind Royal Caribbean's joke board! Don’t spell part backwards! It’s a trap. Stressed is just desserts spelled backwards.
  14. This board really needs help. It it about 60 pages behind Royal Caribbean's joke board! One day, while strolling down the boardwalk, Bill bumped into an old friend of his, Rob, from high school. “You look great Bill, how do you stay looking so young? Why you must be 60 already but you don’t look a day over 40!” Rob exclaimed. “I feel like I’m 40 too!” replied Bill. “That’s incredible” exclaimed Rob, “Does it run in the family? How old was your dad when he passed?” “Did I say he was dead?” asked Bill. “He’s 81 and is more active then ever. He just joined the neighborhood basketball team!” responded Bill. “Whoa! Well how old was your Grandfather when he died?” “Did I say he died” asked Bill. Rob was amazed. “He just had his 105th birthday and plays golf and goes swimming each day! He’s actually getting married this week!” “Getting married?!” Rob asked. If he’s 105, why on earth does he want to get married?! Bill looked at Rob and replied, “Did I say he wanted to?”
  15. This board really needs help. It it about 60 pages behind Royal Caribbean's joke board! Bill was sitting at the table one morning, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player known for his lack of intelligence. He turned to his wife, Mary, and said, "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives." Mary replied, "Why, thank you, Dear!"
  16. Do you know why it took so long to have female astronauts? To avoid scenarios like this: “Houston, we have a problem.” “What is the problem?” “Great! Pretend you don’t know what I am talking about.” This board really needs help. It it about 60 pages behind Royal Caribbean's joke board!
  17. My wife and I decided we didn’t want children anymore. So, anyone who wants one leave your phone number. I told my wife that I wanted to see the kids one weekend a month. She reminded me we are married and live together so I have to see them everyday. I saw a sign that says “Watch for children.” I thought “that sounds like a fair trade.” Women should not have children after 35. Really, 35 children is enough. Children in the back seat of cars cause accidents. Accidents in the back seat of cars cause children.
  18. The loss of air support may enhance the drive to market.
  19. Julius Caesar walked into a bar and asked for a martinus. The bartender said "You mean a martini?" Caesar said "If I wanted a double I would have asked for it!"
  20. Proof there is no such thing as a "single use" plastic bag. Another thing contrived by an environmentalist to make our lives miserable.
  21. If HAL requires it the ships will go out empty.
  22. Even Disney has adults only areas. Children only, family and adults only areas on their ships. There are people who do not want kids running around yelling because there are parents who do not discipline their kids. You want to take your kid every where, take them to Beaches Resort.
  23. This is appropriate for the Royal Caribbean board: Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender says "Olive or twist?"
  24. Royal has guaranteed travel agents their commission on suspended cruises and cancellations so any travel agent charging a cancellation fee on top of this this should not only be fired but should be outed. Don't book with "...." because they are corrupt.
  25. Here's my contribution to keep things going. A cowboy walks into a bar. His hat and vest are made of wrapping p. His pants and chaps are made ofvwax paper and his boots were made of tissue paper. He was arrested for rustling.
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