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Inquiries at sea......by straight folks


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As a solo cruiser at least once on every cruise I am asked if I am gay. I once read that coming out is a ongoing thing and not a once and done deal. I still have a discomfort with being asked even after this long a life. Couples have told me they are never asked since it is assumed two people

of the same gender traveling together are automatically gay/lesbian.....stereo typing once again.

I cannot think of a question that could be asked of a straight person that has the significance of being asked if you are gay, so I am at a loss for a return question . To not respond is a cop out in my mind, and to say it's none of your business seems to be saying yes. To ask why are youre asking is still backing down, but I can't see why I should have to answer or be put into a situation to have to answer. I find my self getting angry at myself for getting uncomfortable with the inquiry....and find myself saying, put your big boy pants on and answer the question. On my last cruise after socializing for three days with the same group of people at the Vibe on the NCL escape I was asked .....well are you or aren't you.......I was stopped dead in my tracks.

I hope I won't get flamed by responders who think this is a stupid question, but is there a comfortable way to handle a situation like this. I cant figure it out....some people say I had no idea, some say we wondered based on things you said and yet other say, honey as soon as you entered the room we all knew. I am a very social person at sea, but find myself dreading inquiries or how I will respond if asked.

Have any of you experienced these inquiries and how did you comfortably handle it. I might note on a few occasions when I answered the question yes, the other person got real ugly......so the idea of being questioned has put me on edge. Any thoughts as long as they are not nasty put downs would be appreciated. Ones life experiences in being gay can be so different by age, family background, upbringing etc, so ones sensitivity levels can be greatly different. But I wanted to raise this issue and see what others think, and how they may have handled si ilar situations. By the way, I once responded ( having had numerous Long Island ice teas ) why are you interested.....I got a drink in my face and security called by the bartender who defended me.....

Thanks

Tom

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Wow, I'm sorry you've had to deal with the "ugly" responses, and worse.

 

Unless you're getting a good feeling from someone who asks, I'd think the best response would be, "That's a rather personal question." It doesn't matter what they think that response means.

 

Or, more pointedly, you might say, "I'm not sure why you would ask such a personal question." and then move on (either in the conversation, or leave that person's company if they get ugly).

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Tom,

 

Sorry to hear that you have been approached by such rude guests.

 

As a gay couple of 25+ years, we have only been asked a couple times if we were a "Couple". I usually respond "a couple of what?" Seriously the number of times we were asked was from crew members who then shared with us - "I am also" as a feeling of inclusion.

 

We have found it unusual that more often to not table mates were surprised to learn that we were "a couple". They thought we were just good friends traveling together. This has been very rewarding as often we have gotten to know some really nice guests that had never met a gay couple before and found we were no different that others. One that comes to mind was the husband of the couple that I became good friends with. He really appreciated that I spoke so open about our relationship and said I really opened his closed mind about gay people being no different than he and his wife. I think I really helped him understand when I asked him how he would respond if his son told him he were gay. He confessed he would be confused but would love and respect him.

 

Back to your question - I guess my response would be - "Of course and you?" I think you would see the person stammer and possibly learn from his rudeness.

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As a solo cruiser at least once on every cruise I am asked if I am gay. I once read that coming out is a ongoing thing and not a once and done deal. I still have a discomfort with being asked even after this long a life. Couples have told me they are never asked since it is assumed two people

of the same gender traveling together are automatically gay/lesbian.....stereo typing once again.

I cannot think of a question that could be asked of a straight person that has the significance of being asked if you are gay, so I am at a loss for a return question . To not respond is a cop out in my mind, and to say it's none of your business seems to be saying yes. To ask why are youre asking is still backing down, but I can't see why I should have to answer or be put into a situation to have to answer. I find my self getting angry at myself for getting uncomfortable with the inquiry....and find myself saying, put your big boy pants on and answer the question. On my last cruise after socializing for three days with the same group of people at the Vibe on the NCL escape I was asked .....well are you or aren't you.......I was stopped dead in my tracks.

I hope I won't get flamed by responders who think this is a stupid question, but is there a comfortable way to handle a situation like this. I cant figure it out....some people say I had no idea, some say we wondered based on things you said and yet other say, honey as soon as you entered the room we all knew. I am a very social person at sea, but find myself dreading inquiries or how I will respond if asked.

Have any of you experienced these inquiries and how did you comfortably handle it. I might note on a few occasions when I answered the question yes, the other person got real ugly......so the idea of being questioned has put me on edge. Any thoughts as long as they are not nasty put downs would be appreciated. Ones life experiences in being gay can be so different by age, family background, upbringing etc, so ones sensitivity levels can be greatly different. But I wanted to raise this issue and see what others think, and how they may have handled si ilar situations. By the way, I once responded ( having had numerous Long Island ice teas ) why are you interested.....I got a drink in my face and security called by the bartender who defended me.....

Thanks

Tom

 

We have been asked if we are brothers and we don't look alike at all! I think it's important to respond if I feel comfortable at the time and place, depending on who else is in ear shot and how your gut instinct tells you they might respond. I don't hide anything anymore but if I feel the person asking may respond harshly then I would either change the subject or ask them why they are asking me that question. Find the politician inside yourself and deflect!

 

Are you asking me out? why should I be? I'm flattered you ask but I'm married...I'm happy if that's what you mean. No but my boyfriend is. Unless you have a brother I'm not interested. Ask me tomorrow, anything can happen at sea. I work on broadway we're all happy there. Well my friend Dorothy tells me I might be. Let's just say I like Cary Grant AND Marilyn Munroe. Humour can also deflate a tense moment.

 

Once I was sitting with a woman who asked me if I had a girlfriend and I politely said no. She then asked me if I was single and at this point I was unclear if she was hitting on me or making conversation. So I just replied saying I wasn't single. Confusion came over her face and then I said my husband's name and she got it and gave me a wink. She said she had no assumptions that I was gay and was asking for a woman traveling with her!

 

There's always the option of playing hard of hearing too...if they have to raise their voice they will likely shut up.

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These days I take these things as "teaching moments"; since most people are more aware of gay people I feel that inappropriate comments and questions should be handled straightforwardly.

 

At a recent baseball game - after having fun with the people around us - the Mets screwed up and the guy behind me yelled at them and called them "f*ggots". I turned around and said to him: "please don;t use that word because I am gay". He was stunned, told me I couldn't be gay so I pointed out to him that three of the four of us were gay. He apologized profusely (and his wife yelled at him); then he shook my hand... and then kissed it! :D

 

A few days ago on a flight from Paris to Miami two loud, obnoxious people were sitting next to us. There was no way to not hear there conversation. The woman asked the old guy next to her about cities in the USA - it was her first visit. She had a connection to Key West and he said to her: "don't go there... all the homos, you know, queers". So I turned to them and said: "please don't use that word because it is offensive and you are talking about people like me". It shut them up (for a while).

 

The more you say it, the easier it gets. If someone asks me, I would just honestly say "yes, I am" and carry on. It's their portable, not yours. And if they get nasty, just walk away.

Edited by Boytjie
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We have gotten that too: I am Caucasian and my DH is Chinese!

 

I guess you could be adopted! :D

 

I try not to ask anything of someone else which I wouldn't want to be asked to me. I'm less sensitive to sexual orientation questions now than I was earlier in my life but I do get perturbed when anyone asks me a question that I deem insensitive or patronizing or just too darn personal. I think sometimes our natural "filters" get misplaced when we are too relaxed. At the end of the day though we are all human and we make mistakes.

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This is a good thread!

 

I am a woman who is trans and at dinner on board with our children my wife and I were asked "which one is the mother?" I did say I was their father and it was taken as a joke and got laughs. This was with a lovely gay couple that we have become friends with and like very much. I did treat it as a teaching moment and sat down in private telling them about me and offered to answer any questions about being trans they had.

 

We had a cabin attendant ask if we wanted our beds separated with an apology that they were together. I just told him no.

 

On a shore tour once I was asked if I "had the surgery?" I am tempted to say "let's talk about your genitals/ surgeries first" but I didn't :-).

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This is a good thread!

 

I am a woman who is trans and at dinner on board with our children my wife and I were asked "which one is the mother?" I did say I was their father and it was taken as a joke and got laughs. This was with a lovely gay couple that we have become friends with and like very much. I did treat it as a teaching moment and sat down in private telling them about me and offered to answer any questions about being trans they had.

 

We had a cabin attendant ask if we wanted our beds separated with an apology that they were together. I just told him no.

 

On a shore tour once I was asked if I "had the surgery?" I am tempted to say "let's talk about your genitals/ surgeries first" but I didn't :-).

 

So great to hear from your perspective! :) I can't imagine asking someone if they had surgery for an ingrown toenail let alone asking about SRS. I strongly believe that it's up to the individual concerned if they wish to share personal information. It amazes me what some people ask and you have to hope that it's just out of natural curiosity and not malice.

 

We've had the bed question too - for both seperated and together. We're like Lucy and Desi though so separate works for us as I :D can sleep through anything and he is a light sleeper :(.

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Well, I've never been asked on a cruise ship; but once in a hotel's co-ed Jacuzzi spa (in San Francisco of all places) an older women on a business trip asked me if I were gay? I was rather shocked; but in further questioning her; her daughter had just came out to her as lesbian. She was really struggling with it so I told her my coming out story. She wanted to talk to someone about it. I'm not sure if I help her with her fears/struggles about her daughter's coming out; but all we really can offer people is our stories of being GLBT. If people are asking if you are and aren't then they pretty much know the answer and just want confirmation. Yes, it's rude to ask about someone's sexual orientation; but given the on board party atmosphere and a couple of drinks people can get brazen with their questions. A lot of times they know others that are GLBT like their brother, uncle or co-workers and are pretty cool with it. Times have changed. The one thing I've learned is honesty is always the best policy. If they aren't cool with your answer...then you just move on. It's your vacation and you have every right to enjoy it the way you want. However, if you plan on socializing with people (unless you are on a all-gay charter) you will just have to be prepared to answer their question (or not) or just stay to yourself.

Edited by COMBOY
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We have been on about 30 cruises. I am jewish,husband is mexican.Get asked if we are brothers all the time. They sense a bond ,but dont know what. I have said we are a couple . A few times say different dad and same mom.Never had a problem.

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Ah this is a great thread! We went on our first cruise together when we first started dating, 6 years ago. I was definitely apprehensive to being questioned if we were a couple or gay and we were by several people. However, we were very pleased with the responses. People asked us how long we were together, how we met, etc. I think those positive initial experiences have put us in a relaxed mindset so we no longer worry about the question being asked. Though, in foreign countries we have been asked the question "I see you have a king bed, are you sure you don't want two doubles?"

 

Here is a funny story. We were sitting at the martini bar on Celebrity Eclipse and we saw this woman (mid 50s) who was very well dressed with a younger man (late 20s). She was dressed beautifully, gorgeous diamonds, a rare Cartier watch, etc. and they seemed very close. We started talking and I had to hold back the dreaded question "Are you two together?" It was a good thing I did, because it turns out they were mother and son traveling together. After a few drinks later in the night, I did tell her I thought they were together at first. She was very flattered. The more we talked it turned out she lived right down the street from us in Chicago. She was best friends with one of my co-workers and was at my company Christmas party a few days before the cruise. I guess the moral is you never know who you might meet on a cruise and they might surprise you. The reason they may be asking can be varied, but I think you should always be honest and always be straightforward. People surprise me everyday, thankfully usually for the better than worse.

 

Cheers and happy sailing!

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  • 2 weeks later...
This is a good thread!

 

I am a woman who is trans and at dinner on board with our children my wife and I were asked "which one is the mother?" I did say I was their father and it was taken as a joke and got laughs. This was with a lovely gay couple that we have become friends with and like very much. I did treat it as a teaching moment and sat down in private telling them about me and offered to answer any questions about being trans they had.

 

We had a cabin attendant ask if we wanted our beds separated with an apology that they were together. I just told him no.

 

On a shore tour once I was asked if I "had the surgery?" I am tempted to say "let's talk about your genitals/ surgeries first" but I didn't :-).

 

Omg,we have had exactly the same thing,( often).One of us was born a hermaphrodite(intersexed), it is so disgusting the things people ask, and assume, and how we get treated as public property.

 

Back to the O.P question, we judge the likely aggression levels before we answer.Or try to.

Edited by mrs and mrs
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This thread reminds me, than in this time when gay is "cool," there are still threats, dangers, and unpleasantries that we have to work through. There are still way too many people around who don't accept us. And for other sexual minorities (i.e. trans folks), all I can say is OMG! It can be a mine field out there.

 

On the other hand, personal revelation, I am 65 YO and been through a lot on this gay journey, so my patience is thin and especially on a cruise where I have paid my way and always try to be kind and friendly to my fellow passengers. When they ask, I tell. When they make inaccurate assumptions, I clarify. I am polite, but to the point. And when they can't behave, I make it clear that I have no time or patience for them. My life is too short at this point, and my right and need to enjoy my cruise is too intense.

 

At the same time, I strongly believe that confrontation of ignorance and bigotry is one of the hardest things for me. I am not always courageous, and I cannot always find the most enlightening and most perfect thing to say. It's a journey.

 

So courage to all. Do what you need to do. Enjoy your cruise. This is your vacation! Don't let them take it away from you!

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I have to admit I expected to get flamed, to get over it. Sometimes I wonder if how we react or respond is dictated by age or where we are from.....east coast and west coast corridor states can be so much different from Bible Belt states. Poster Boytjie has met me, and I must admit he and his Richard have really impressed me with their outlook on life.

Years ago when I had hair queries were a bit different. In my late 20's I would be asked if I was traveling alone...I would say yes. Next question...your not married? No. Never been married...no, then the killer....why not. Some wives would go as far as to ask why not, what's wrong with you? As I was in the military, and wearing dress blues on formal night I couldn't exactly use a snappy reply. In my mid 30's still in the military it became disturbing because some actually would say you aren't gay are you? Since this was before don't ask don't tell, I would find myself lying, as I could not out myself only to get angry with myself for lying. Now much older but perhaps no wiser I figured I would not be queried.....yet it continues. And the bigger the ships, the more people that seem to be nosey. I appreciate the responses to my post. I sail on the Norwegian Jade right after Thanksgiving.....these responses may provide me with a greater ability to handle simple curiousity, ignorance, stupidity, arrogance or hate. I still think I need a bets skill set, but life is a journey and learning is an unending process. I just. Wonder if traveling single has something to do with it.....years back I was always told women sail alone, single men don't....unless they're you know.....

Hope to read more responses and thanks to all for not getting on my case about posting this thread...

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Thank you for the kind words, Tom.

 

Your military status did indeed complicate your situation and being forced to lie is never easy. Yes, living in a big city does make a difference and I think it has improved eve in the heartland recently.

 

We should cruise together again and Richard and I can do some role play drills with you! :D

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How you kept your composure is impressive in my eyes. Sometimes I wonder if people are stupid or just insensitive. As empathy for other human beings is almost dead these days replaced by judgement I wonder where we will be in 10 years as a society.

I know we are all grown ups, but it amazes me what some people have to put up with.

I will take heed on some of the guidance provided in previous responses. The tough part is crafting comebacks not knowing the other persons potential for escalation. Makes me think of the time I was asked why I wasn't married....having had substantial pre dinner cocktails I responded by saying well I never found the right man. The wife said you mean women, I Said no, man. Her husband then threw his beer in my face. Ya just nevah know. Gee maybe

I need a big burly mate to make them apprehensive in asking rude questions....heaven knows my ugly mug doesn't deter them👹

Peter....role play? Good comeback. Hope to sail with you and Richard in the future, hopefully a RSVP cruise someplace exotic. I considered the Feb cruise , but as a single, the cost was substantially more than the Windstar Star Breeze I booked. Not a gay charter, but a much more intimate ship. I will say I don't find rude people on the smaller ships but there can always be that one...

The responses from other posters on this thread have been interesting, sad, informative but most important not judge mental....goes to show we are all together in the journey through life.

Now to countdown till the Jade in Nov......the personalities on the cruise roll call are very strong....should be an interesting cruise. Everyone's responses should provide me some good responses to queries....or is it queeries. 🤓

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How you kept your composure is impressive in my eyes. Sometimes I wonder if people are stupid or just insensitive.

 

Sometimes I am just stupid and/or naive!

 

The tough part is crafting comebacks not knowing the other persons potential for escalation. Makes me think of the time I was asked why I wasn't married....having had substantial pre dinner cocktails I responded by saying well I never found the right man. The wife said you mean women, I Said no, man. Her husband then threw his beer in my face. Ya just nevah know.

 

Wow, that is rude. I might have responded with something like: "Oh honey, you are so not my type - I like a real MAN!" and walked away. (What was his wife's reaction?)

 

There may still be troglodytes like that around but I think over the last couple of years people have gotten a lot more knowledgeable about gays and hopefully something like is less likely to happen again.

 

By the way, you can find rude gay people asking inappropriate questions and making rude comments too.

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Yes rudeness is not gender not orientation limited. On a Royal Caribbean ship I was seated at dinner with 3 gay men and a straight retired couple. She was a retired teacher, him a retired postal worker. During dinner the first night the very charming lady asked if it was ok to be sharing the table with 4 guys. I was surprised with her question which was obviously an honest and purely innocent question as the 3 guys were really loud and pushing their orientation. The response was that they didn't like them at the table and asked them to change tables. They got up and so did I ; I apologized for the disgusting behavior and after dinner read the riot act to the 50 something flaming queens.

Having traveled as many years on ships, as many different cruise lines, different socio economic groups I guess I have seen it all, but still have my limitations with rudeness and crude questions. I agree getting to teach some people is a positive but you can't teach those that don't want to learn. I can't imagine how transgender passengers deal with negativity which can impact their cruise. Regardless of how tough their skin might be, they are still human beings.

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Yes rudeness is not gender not orientation limited. On a Royal Caribbean ship I was seated at dinner with 3 gay men and a straight retired couple. She was a retired teacher, him a retired postal worker. During dinner the first night the very charming lady asked if it was ok to be sharing the table with 4 guys. I was surprised with her question which was obviously an honest and purely innocent question as the 3 guys were really loud and pushing their orientation. The response was that they didn't like them at the table and asked them to change tables. They got up and so did I ; I apologized for the disgusting behavior and after dinner read the riot act to the 50 something flaming queens.

Having traveled as many years on ships, as many different cruise lines, different socio economic groups I guess I have seen it all, but still have my limitations with rudeness and crude questions. I agree getting to teach some people is a positive but you can't teach those that don't want to learn. I can't imagine how transgender passengers deal with negativity which can impact their cruise. Regardless of how tough their skin might be, they are still human beings.

 

That's awful. You're exactly right - rudeness has nothing to do with gender. We're all just trying to enjoy ourselves on our hard earned vacations and to be so obnoxious and rude is just poor manners and tiresome.

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