PHOTO REVIEW: H turns GOLD on the Carnival Conquest (Fun Times, New Menus)

[ProfCruise]

If you’re new to my reviews (that’s like saying you’ve never heard of Dr. Seuss – more on him later, but in the meantime you can click on the links in my signature to read my prior reviews), let me introduce myself and my minions. I’m H, AKA Dr. No, AKA Dr. No Nap. I’m going to be a three-nager soon and, rumor has it, my parents are shipping me off to boarding school in whichever state is furthest away from Pennsylvania (explains why mom was on the floor with a magnifying glass, a ruler, and a map). My likes include green sherbet (just seeing if you were paying attention…strike green and replace with orange) and cheese. Dislikes: whatever my mom’s asking me to do.

Here I am:

Mom.

As soon as mom got word that she’d received a positive vote from the tenure committee (send your congratulations to mom in the form of cruise credit), she walked out of class waving and shouting “suckas” and headed straight for the fun ship. Okay, that’s not true, but she did finish out the rest of the semester in her pajamas and, instead of lecturing, played a montage of her favorite baby animal videos on repeat (which were “simply adorable” and “totally worth the college debt I’ll be paying off well into the next millenium” according to her course evaluations).

Here’s mom:

 

Grandma.

If I loved grandma any more, she’d be made of sugar and orange food coloring and I’d have to gobble her up before she melted. Grandma totally understands the injustices I suffer. In fact, every time I suffer one and begin to protest she turns to mom and says, “karma,” which, I believe, is Latin for “outrageously unfair.”

Here’s grandma:

 

INTRODUCTION

Good habits are hard to break. Like pooping in the bath and taking a cheap pre-Christmas cruise. Cheap, because everyone else is busy shopping for awesome gifts for their “H,” instead of wrapping up free hand-me-downs (MOM!). In any case, I sailed from the same port (Ft. Lauderdale) after staying at the same pre-cruise motel (Quality Inn and Suites) on the same week (Dec 12-20) for the same number of days (8) to the same places (St. Maarten, St. Kitts, San Juan, Grand Turk) with the same stateroom-mates (see above) wearing the same underwear (just kidding…although I can’t vouch for mom) as last year.

The two big differences? The Freedom crew didn’t think they could handle another 8 days with mom (possibly even in the same underwear), so they fled to Texas to be replaced with the Conquest. As soon as the poor staff of the Conquest learned the news that mom would be on board they all started petitioning to be transferred to one of the booze cruises for a less stressful work environment. Please people, I live with her 24/7/365! Which brings me to the second difference. I FINALLY got my free drink coupons!

I say “finally” because the “beards” (I thought this term was kind of sexist until I remembered that time I walked in on mom plucking something long and gray from her chin) at Carnival made an “exciting new change” to the VIFP program, snatching up my booze coupon and replacing it with an “exciting” bottle of generic water RIGHT before I was set to turn RED. I say “I” and “coupons” (plural), because while mom also turned GOLD, she gave me her coupon -- she knows her outbursts are easier to take after I’ve had a few drinks.

I’ll be organizing my review as follows: ship and ship activities (including daily Fun Times), port activities, and finally “the good, the bad, and the ugly.”

What, no food?

Those of you familiar with my reviews know I’ve always started with my favorite part of the big boat: FOOD. Many seem to share my love of sugar and spice and everything…fattening as I always lose 99% of my audience after that section ends (the only people left reading are mom and grandma and only to make sure I didn't post any embarrassing photos of them) and you miss out on seeing mom’s pasty white legs on the beach (I always do!).

Well, I learned something from Eric, our cruise director, about convincing your audience to stick around through (what feels like) a 3 hour sales pitch (or in this case, like 3000 photos of some dorky family you don’t even know): you offer a big prize at the end, a few smaller prizes throughout, and every 5 minutes or so you say “stick around, we’re getting to the big prize in just a Few. More. Minutes.” So, what’s the big prize? A full review of American Table, including photos of the table set-up on cruise casual and elegant nights PLUS all 8 days of menus PLUS photos of every dish we ordered, including the 6 desserts mom consumed each night (actually it was only 2, but it’s always smart to slightly over-sell the big prize). I’ll also be reviewing other dining options (Lido Buffet, Guy’s, Blue Iguana, Seaday Brunch, Pizza Pirate, Fish and Chips, and room service) at random points throughout the review.

So, with a (free) drink in each hand and a (free) bottle of champague on standby (stay tuned), let’s begin. Remember, we’re getting to the big prize in just a Few. More. Minutes.

[TheCriuseDirector]

Can't Wait To Read! I always love your reviews!

[aztekpm]

I love the way you do your reviews, very entertaining ... can't wait for more!

Edited December 21, 2015 by aztekpm

[momonthego17]

Argh, bad timing on my part. I launch my staid, adult, boring Conquest review on the same day as H's Conquest review. Who'd a thunk it? Might as well pull it and give it a decent burial.

 

Here's to being 3!:D

Edited December 21, 2015 by momonthego17

[SKosto]

I was on this cruise as well, and had a wonderful time.

[djyellowsub]

I personally don't need any prizes to read your whole review. In fact, I like pictures of you more than the pictures of the food because you are just so very cute. Hang in there with your mom. When you get older and have your own little H's, you might actually realize how smart she really is!

[ProfCruise]

I love the way you do your reviews, very entertaining ... can't wait for more!

 

Glad to have you and "thecruisedirector" back on (virtual) board! :D

[ProfCruise]

Argh, bad timing on my part. I launch my staid, adult, boring Conquest review on the same day as H's Conquest review. Who'd a thunk it? Might as well pull it and give it a decent burial.

 

Here's to being 3!:D

 

To this, H says "NO." Well to everything he says "NO," but he's especially eager to read your review!

[ProfCruise]

I was on this cruise as well, and had a wonderful time.

 

Yay! Always fun to compare notes -- be sure to chime in!

[ProfCruise]

I personally don't need any prizes to read your whole review. In fact, I like pictures of you more than the pictures of the food because you are just so very cute. Hang in there with your mom. When you get older and have your own little H's, you might actually realize how smart she really is!

 

That might be why mom loves and respects grandma so much. She remembers saying a lot of the things I say to her to grandma (mind you she was more like 13 at the time, not 3 -- I'm advanced). :D

[bradboy]

Can't wait to read

[boaterette]

I love your reviews. I always tell my soon to be three year old grandson that he needs to pick up his pace. He doesn't write nearly as well as you do.

[peachesncream4u]

I can't wait to read.

[AmR87]

So excited to read this!

[momonthego17]

To this, H says "NO." Well to everything he says "NO," but he's especially eager to read your review!

 

Thanks H! I hope you enjoy my review as much as I know I will enjoy yours!

 

Merry Christmas!!

[ProfCruise]

ROOM WITH A VIEW

Our room was 7410, an aft balcony cabin strategically located between the Lido buffet and the MDR. To work off the calories, I decided to take the stairs to go between them (with a brief stop at my stateroom to rest and to re-stock on “to go” bags).

I can’t tell you which side of the ship our stateroom was on – only that I went to the wrong side every. single. time. Here’s what it looked like when I finally found it.

 

Excuse the blue stroller (if you were on the same sailing, you probably recognize it as the one that hit you in the ankles while trying to get to the “sweet spot”).

 

I had to throw in a photo of the toilet in honor of grandpa (RIP, we wish you had been with us). He used to begrudgingly watch House Hunters on HGTV with grandma and his favorite joke was to say “nice tolet” (that’s how he’d pronounce it) when they looked in the bathrooms. Nice tolet, eh?

To be continued…

[wmwmarmstrong]

Thank you so much for the pictures.

My Granddaughter didn't seem too excited about the Green Eggs and Ham Breakfast until she saw your photos. Now she definitely wants to go.

[ProfCruise]

Gerry (pronounced "Jerry") was our room steward. He was friendly and loose with high fives, quick and efficient, and made the best towel animals. See…

 

Best of all? Our room came with a view.

 

 

 

 

 

 

See if you can spot the palm tree in this one while you're waiting for my next post:

 

[txmom11]

Please tell your mom congratulations on her tenure! I subscribed to your review and end up reading it out loud to my poor husband. You make him smile (and that is not easy to do since he's kind of grouchy). Eagerly awaiting more installments.

[ProfCruise]

ALL THE SINGLE LADIES + H

 

More ship photos to come, but for now, let me tell you about a different sort of conquest.

If there’s one thing that destroys a dude’s game, it’s being seen with your mom and grandma. Am I right guys? So I ditched them at the wrinkle seminar and I found myself a seat up front next to these two lovely ladies (seriously, I just plopped myself between total strangers) for the “all the single ladies” dance lesson/competition.

 

And how were they? Let’s just say I’d put a ring on any of them if it were legal (I slipped several my stateroom number for 13 years from now when I can date). And Beyoncé? You had your turn and now you gonna learn. And hip, and hip, and show your ring (maybe you had to be there).

[Mtn2Sea]

Hey H! Great start on your review. Looking forward to reading more about your adventures.

[NoDayButToday]

Yay another H review! And this one is the ship and itinerary we are doing next, so I especially can't wait. Congrats to Mom on tenure, and yay for the cruise review to come.

[momof3cruisers]

Congrats on turning Gold, H! I hit Gold on our upcoming 8 day cruise on the Breeze. Hoping to see your food pics before we board.

[ProfCruise]

DON’T JUDGE A BOOK (FUN SHIP) BY ITS COVER (EXTERIOR)

Ship pics, as promised. Because occasionally I keep my promises (but never when they involve going to bed or eating vegetables). Here’s a shot of the Conquest.

 

Focus on the handsome gentleman (me) in the bright orange swimwear and you won’t notice the rust and chipping paint adorning much of the exterior of the ship. That is in no way reflective of the condition of the interior, though. And after all, no one eats or drinks or dances or gambles or gets 1 out of 19 correct at trivia (mom) on the exterior of the ship. We did, however, notice many upturned noses on the faces of the passengers of the fancy new Royal Caribbean ship docked next to us at port. We took off our shirts, spoke using improper English with our mouths full of food, and burped a lot to further irritate them. And we smiled knowing we got a great value on a beautiful, friendly, fun ship (in great condition and well maintained on the inside). See…

 

Artist's Lobby

 

 

Lobby Christmas Tree

 

 

Impressionist Boulevard (deck 5)

 

 

Cherry on Top (or the first place you should look if your mom is missing)

 

 

Coffee Bar (or the second place you should look if your mom is missing)

 

 

To be continued...

[ProfCruise]

Blues Piano Bar

 

 

Degas Aft Lounge

 

 

Vincent's Bar

 

 

Casino (or where to look when your Gigi goes missing)

 

 

 

Bye for now.