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Advice to Overseas Cruisers coming to Australia

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I have been posting advice to Overseas Cruisers coming to Australia on a number of topics - here is one:

 

My long suffering wife has implored me not to write about the next topic to advise and warn overseas visitors to Australia as she says it is to personal and embarrassing to discuss in public

 

Of course I diasagree.

 

As you know everyone has a need to visit a toilet at least once a day - why should this be different in Australia should you ask.

 

Well the problem is this - Australian men leave the toilet seat and lid UP - even at home - when visiting the toilet - Australian women hate this??? WHY

 

Well the answer is simple - the Red Back Spider loves to lurk around the toilet seat, particularly in outback areas. The spider is black with a red stripe along it's back. One of the most venemous spiders in the world - and it's bite will turn you bum as red as the stripe on it's back.

 

You will need to visit a hospital for anti venom which most Australian Hospital will stock -( but not likely found on your cruise ship so don't get bitten there).

 

Fortunately you will not die but it will cause some problems for you in leaving the port on the next leg of your cruise as you will need to spend several days in hospital (on your stomach of course)

 

So please do not be annoyed or embarrassed when visiting a toilet in Australia - just take a moment to look for the Red Back Spider - (and thank the Aussie male for his foresight) and if not sighted - enjoy

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Overseas visitors to Australia love to cuddle or/and hold Koala bears as they seem to be such cute little animals and everyone loves them.

 

Can I just say if you are fortunate to be able to hold a Koala during your visit downunder then please take the following precautions:

 

A Wear a full raincoat that covers you from head to toe

 

B If A above not applicable, then try a plastic sheet or poncho from a $2 shop.

 

WHY is it necessary to take these precautions???

 

The answer is simple - the little cute Koala will pee all over you - and I can tell you from experience that your Husband/Wife/friend on the cruise will not want to be within 10 meters of you for the rest of the day or perhaps even the next several days?

 

Even a Australian Government minister some years ago experienced what I have outlined above - I think it cost him his re-election.

 

But even worse - the bus driver who took you on the tour will probably not let on on his bus for the trip back to the ship - imagine that.

 

Is it that bad - yes it is.

 

You may even be denied entry back on the ship and even if you do get aboard, your cabin steward will probably call the Head Housekeepert and have you put in quarantine for a week.

 

If you want to cuddle a Koala then follow the advice in A and B above.

Edited by Bpos
spelling error

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Here is another tip for overseas visitors to Australia, in particular the NT

 

While in Darwin you can visit the Adelaide River (one of the most popular tours offered by many cruise ships visiting Darwin) and it can be a fantastic experience to see the massive crocodiles (who have been taught) to leap right out of the water to pluck a chicken from a pole extended by the boat tour operator.

 

These are huge salt water crocs so my advice is to sit as far away from the side of the boat from where the pole is held up as it is possible as the croc could - jump into the boat.

 

Should this occur don't jump overboard as there are many other crocs just waiting for you to hit the water. Better to lose one than many I say.

 

Also do not let your hands or arms extend over the side of the boat or you may have to learn how to write left or right handed (as the case may be)

when you return to the ship - if you get my drift.

 

But just think - how in the hell do all those crocs in the Adelaide River survive on a few chicken each day - I'll let you do the maths on that one.

 

In particular look out for Brutus - only has one eye but is one mean nasty croc and he will be lurking somewhere in those muddy waters - looking for a feed - if you know what I mean,.

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Oh I love this thread. What other gems of wisdom have you got? I'm going to Perth then Sydney in November

 

Sent from my SM-G920F using Tapatalk

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Drop bears, anyone? :D

 

Snakes.

 

Sydney funnel web spiders.

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A warning about Drop Bears has been prepared and will be coming shortly.

 

On my posting about Koalas on my roll call (Celebrity Solstice - 31 Oct 2016) one Australia disagreed with my report and recommendations.

 

I did point out to he/she that the posting was for overseas visitors and as we all know, a Koala would never pee on a fellow Australian.

Edited by Bpos
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As cute as Koalas can be - overseas visitors need to be aware of an animal well known to Australians, but rarely seen - that has a bad habit of targeting tourists - of course I am referring to the Drop Bear.

 

They are found all over Australia and live in trees - even in suburban and city street trees. The bear is about 2 - 3 feet (imperial measures used for our valued American visitors) and really have an uncanny instinct for attacking overseas tourists.

 

How do they do that you may ask??

Well as the name implies - as you walk under a tree they inhabit, they will "drop" on you - hence the name Drop Bear.

 

In Sydney recently, I witnessed a Drop Bear target a tourist near the Opera House - the bear dropped from the tree, landed on the poor chap's head and shoulders and began to claw his face - blood and guts everywhere.

 

Several Aussies (slang for Australians) rushed to his aid and the bear took off up the tree, no doubt to wait for his next victim.

 

They are a protected species so we cannot kill them.

 

How did the bear target his victim??

 

Well the victim in Sydney had a tourist map of Sydney in one hand, a Lonely Planet guide book in the other hand, and baseball cap on back to front and was wearing a "I Love NYC" T shirt. See what I mean.

 

Plenty of these bears in Cairns so for visitors taking the chairlift through the rainforest canapy, make sure you have all the windows and doors to the gondola closed for added protection.

 

To ensure your wonderful holiday in Australia is not marred by Drop Bears, you can avoid them by:

 

Not talking like a tourist (mutter G'Day Mate when walking under trees can help)

 

Not Dressing like a tourist (wear a Plain T Shirt, shorts and thongs for the feet)

 

Not Acting like a tourist (don't look at maps in the street etc)

 

Try to be an Aussie in every possible way and you will not be attacked by a Drop Bear

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Not to play down the Drop Bear threat but do need to point out though statistically overseas tourists are more often the victims of the attacks the reasons often cited are false. To marsupials we humans all look much the same no matter where we originate.

 

There was a recent study which tried to explain this discrepancy. It seems it comes down to quite a few factors. One is that those who have been here some time seem to be able to sense areas where a drop bear ambush is more likely and these places are avoided, so when there is a crowd an unwitting visitor will move to the less crowded space and become a victim. Then those of us who live here are often at work during times when an attack is more likely but tourists are on holidays so out and about then. Personally I think there must be more to it than that.

 

What is weird is that I have searched Youtube for the TV commercial by Paul Hogan where he implored us to play down the threats of spiders, snakes, crocodiles and drop bears as it could harm our tourism and undo his BBQ campaign. No sign of it. Have searched on Google too. Nada.

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Not to play down the Drop Bear threat but do need to point out though statistically overseas tourists are more often the victims of the attacks the reasons often cited are false. To marsupials we humans all look much the same no matter where we originate.

 

There was a recent study which tried to explain this discrepancy. It seems it comes down to quite a few factors. One is that those who have been here some time seem to be able to sense areas where a drop bear ambush is more likely and these places are avoided, so when there is a crowd an unwitting visitor will move to the less crowded space and become a victim. Then those of us who live here are often at work during times when an attack is more likely but tourists are on holidays so out and about then. Personally I think there must be more to it than that.

 

I am not sure what make of your comments -if I am unsure of what you say what hope does our valued overseas visitors have in assessing "aussie humour"

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There is a rumour that regular consumption of vegemite causes Aussies to have a body odour different to that of overseas visitors, who do not usually eat vegemite. Therefore the drop bear, which has a very acute sense of smell, can easily distinguish between locals and visitors. :D

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There is simple solution to the problems outlined above for visitors to Australia. Give the West Island a complete miss and come across the ditch to GODZONE. We have not poisonous spiders, no snakes, no person eating crocodiles, no animals s to pee all over you. We do have a very welcoming country and peoples. We don't have saucers in our sports cabinets either. We have cups instead.

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There is simple solution to the problems outlined above for visitors to Australia. Give the West Island a complete miss and come across the ditch to GODZONE. We have not poisonous spiders, no snakes, no person eating crocodiles, no animals s to pee all over you. We do have a very welcoming country and peoples. We don't have saucers in our sports cabinets either. We have cups instead.

 

.... and a cure for insomnia.

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Drop bears, anyone? :D

 

Snakes.

 

Sydney funnel web spiders.

 

Love droppies.

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And don't be misled drop bears aren't Koala like in anyway, remember Bundy?

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I too have heard that it's the vegemite consumption that makes a huge difference to attack numbers on locals vs tourists. I grew up in a bush setting and was taught from a young age to put a dab of it behind my ears when on a bush walk to deter them, until my bodies vegemite levels had increased enough. Now as an adult I don't need to, eating it weekly is enough to avoid an attack.

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We have not poisonous spiders,

 

What about the katipo spider, which lurks on NZ beaches. I remember a couple of stories of people getting bitten in "awkward" places after indulging in a bit of hanky-panky in the sand dunes up the Kapiti coast.

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And don't be misled drop bears aren't Koala like in anyway, remember Bundy?

 

Yes but recent studies indicate that The Bundy Bear,is an offshoot breed,resulted from a Koala and a Bundy bear.Remember the breeding pair that escaped from the brisbane zoo about 1965,which resulted in a new colony of bundy bears.As someone has said smearing vegemite behind the ears helps,but in this region one must slather bundy rum,upon one-self akin to cologne.Probably preferable to smear both,to prevent attack from both species:)Just a suggestion.

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Yes but recent studies indicate that The Bundy Bear,is an offshoot breed,resulted from a Koala and a Bundy bear.Remember the breeding pair that escaped from the brisbane zoo about 1965,which resulted in a new colony of bundy bears.As someone has said smearing vegemite behind the ears helps,but in this region one must slather bundy rum,upon one-self akin to cologne.Probably preferable to smear both,to prevent attack from both species:)Just a suggestion.

 

Pure waste, using Bundy as a perfume, just drink enough and the smell comes out the pores.

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Koalas are NOT bears.

 

:eek:Please someone tell me this is not TRUE.:rolleyes::eek:

 

Sorry my mistake i thought this thread was about Cola and Beers,i get very confused sometimes,sorry.

Edited by mrs and mrs

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Koalas are NOT bears.

 

What rubbish.

Edited by GUT2407

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:eek:Please someone tell me this is not TRUE.:rolleyes::eek:

 

Sorry my mistake i thought this thread was about Cola and Beers,i get very confused sometimes,sorry.

 

Well I'm certain Colas aren't beers anyway.

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Here we go,unhinging my unhinged way of thunking.

Okies you can buy beer at coles though.

Just like the Bakana Bilby goes to sleep every-night at 8.00 pm or,or you'll only hit a kangaroo on the up-hop,or or N.S.W will win a State of Origin,or or Tassie makes the best beer(well that is true),or or a shark wont attack you,if you swim with flipper.

 

Im sticking with Koalas are bears:eek::confused:

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Hey Beanb41 you have just admitted that there is nothing much exciting about NZ so why go there?:)

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