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“So a Penguin, a Horse and Polar Bear walk into a bar on the Edge...

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I got some powdered water. I don’t know what to add.

 

For every action there is an equal and opposite over reaction.

 

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

 

One day you are the best thing since sliced bread. The next day you are toast.

 

I want to be rich enough to be considered eccentric instead of nuts.

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Bill Gates and I have a combined fortune of 80 billion dollars.

 

I have a friend who is a billionaire. He invented Cliff’s Notes. I asked him how he got such a great idea and he said, “First I…I just…well, to make a long story short….”

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The trouble with being punctual is there is no one there to appreciate it.

 

I was going to look for my missing watch, but, I could never find the time.

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Three people having sex is a threesome, two people having sex is a two some. So, when someone tells you “you are handsome,” don’t take it as a compliment.

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How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

 

I wonder why irons have a setting for Permanent Press?

 

Why do cookies bake and bacon cooks?

 

It remains a puzzle why a bra is singular and panties are plural.


No one has ever been in an empty room.

 

It is impossible to dig half a hole.

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Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

 

Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.

 

Why do people never eat clocks?
 Because it’s really time consuming.

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A friend tried to annoy me with bird puns but I showed him toucan play that game.

 

I hate insect puns. They bug me.

 

Time flies like an arrow but fruit flies like bananas.

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How many programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

 

None.  It’s a hardware problem.

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Did you hear about the dyslexic police officer? He drove around all night giving out IUDs

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That's a lot better than the one about the cheese factory exploding (debris everywhere....)

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We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon.

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I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

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The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

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