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“So a Penguin, a Horse and Polar Bear walk into a bar on the Edge...

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A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender sees him and says “We have a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says “You have a drink named Bill?”

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A mushroom walks into a bar. The bar tender tells him to get out because they don’t serve mushrooms. The mushroom says, “I don’t know why, I’m a fungi.”

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Bacon and eggs walk into a bar and order a beer. The bar tender tells them “Sorry. We don’t serve breakfast in here.”

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When my grand mother was 65 years old, she started walking 5 miles a day. She’s 92 now and we have no idea where she is.

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May God smile on you today - Bob Hope

 

On his deathbed they asked him where he wanted to be buried.

Bob Hope replied: "Surprise me."

 

I had forgotten that he lived to be 100, and also didn't realize it has been over 1 5 years since he died.

For those of you too young to remember Bob Hope, ask your grandparents and thanks for the memories.

This is a tribute to a man who DID make a difference

 

ON TURNING 70 - "I still chase women, but only downhill."

 

ON TURNING 80 - "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.”

 

ON TURNING 90 - "You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."

 

ON TURNING 100 - " I don't feel old. In fact, I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."

 

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER (BOXING) - "I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them."

 

ON GOLF - "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees."

 

ON PRESIDENTS - "I have performed for 12 presidents but entertained only six."

 

ON WHY HE CHOOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER - "When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, congratulations, you have an eight pound ham."

 

ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL - "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."

 

ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY - "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."

 

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS - "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."

 

ON HIS EARLY FAILURES - "I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."

 

ON GOING TO HEAVEN - "I have done benefits for ALL religions. I would hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."

 

Dear Lord -
Please give me a sense of humor,
give me the grace to see a joke,
to get some humor out of life,
and pass it on to other folk.

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Blacksmithing is the only profession where you can solve your problems by beating them with a hammer.

 

 

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I wanted to buy a new boomerang but couldn’t figure out how to throw my old one out.

 

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick.

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Bill: Honey, you look really nice today. Did you do something different with your hair?

Mary: Bill, I’m over here.

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Bill was sitting at the table one morning, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player known for his lack of intelligence. He turned to his wife, Mary, and said, "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

Mary replied, "Why, thank you, Dear!"

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The physics teacher broke up with the biology teacher because there was there was no chemistry.

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Bill, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Bill walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Bill and said,

"You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Bill replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."

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I used to think I was indecisive. Now I am not sure.


Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

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Intelligence is like underwear. It is important that you have it, but, not necessary to show it off.


Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.


 

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There are three kinds of people in this world. Those who can count and those who can’t.


3 out of 2 people have trouble with fractions.

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"I bought some powdered water but I didn't know what to add."

 

Customer:  "Excuse me, can you tell me where I can find the self-help section?"  

Book Store Clerk:  "Well I could, but wouldn't that defeat the purpose?"

 

"What's another word for thesaurus?"

 

-Steven Wright

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