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A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called. . . and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber’s house. The phone didn’t ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

  1.  The dog was tied to the telephone system’s ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
  2.  The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
  3.  The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
  4.  After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
  5.  The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

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On 5/7/2020 at 6:33 PM, centurycruiser said:

Mary: "Please say dirty things to me!"

 Bill: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."

Bill's death was attributed to  covid19

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Going through the various "when will we cruise again?" topics, I find the respondents being either optimists or pessimists.  That got me to thinking:

 

Pessimists can never be disappointed.

 

Optimists can never be pleasantly surprised.

 

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7 hours ago, SFCAcruiser said:

For opera enthusiasts and those of us with just a passing interest -

a clever video about the virus, sung to the melody of Nessun Dorma. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VQ-2N4W4Ldk

 

Omg! Absolutely wonderful, we loved it!

Thanks for sharing. 🌺🌼🌺

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Three friends married women from different countries of the world....

 

The first man married a Filipino. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

 

The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

 

The third man married a girl from Texas. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, his truck and laundry washed, and hot, home-cooked meals on the table everyday. The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything. But by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has difficulty when he pees.

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8 hours ago, SFCAcruiser said:

For opera enthusiasts and those of us with just a passing interest -

a clever video about the virus, sung to the melody of Nessun Dorma. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VQ-2N4W4Ldk

 

 

Very nice.  😁

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2 minutes ago, centurycruiser said:

The third man married a girl from Texas. 

 

I resemble that remark.  😅

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On a tour of a monastery I walked past the kitchen and saw a monk frying potato chips. 

I asked "Are you the friar?"

He said, "No, I am the chip monk."

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A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb-blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet.

“What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?” she demands. “What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?”

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology.

“You keep out of this!” she yells. “I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”

 

🏻 Bob ❤️ 

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I don't get it. Maybe I need Clairol. :classic_cool:  Should I be insulted that most emojis have my hairline?

 

Tired of constant blonde jokes, a blonde dyes her hair brown. She then goes for a drive in the country and sees a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.

"Hey, shepherd, if I guess how many sheep are here, can I keep one?"

The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. She blurts out "352!"

He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick a sheep.

"I'll take this one," she says proudly. "It's the cutest!"

"Hey lady," says the shepherd, "If I guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?"

 

Does that qualify as a brunette joke?

 

 

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The difference between dogs and cats :

 

Dogs say to themselves "These people house me, feed me and take care of all of my wants and needs. They must be gods - I must worship them."

 

Cats say to themselves "These people house me, feed me and take care of all of my wants and needs. I  must be a god - They must worship me."

 

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On 3/19/2020 at 9:29 PM, hcat said:

Great thread...other than the  lawyer joke!

 

How do you know when a lawyer is lying🤔😉

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A naked guy wrapped in cellophane runs into a psychiatrist's office.

The doctor takes one look at him and says "Clearly I can see you're nuts."

 

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On 5/9/2020 at 7:59 AM, bobndee said:

Going through the various "when will we cruise again?" topics, I find the respondents being either optimists or pessimists.  That got me to thinking:

 

Pessimists can never be disappointed.

 

Optimists can never be pleasantly surprised.

 

Or......

 

Pessimists can’t find joy in pleasant times because they know it won’t last.

 

Optimists find joy in unpleasant times because they know it won’t last.

 

Den

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