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“So a Penguin, a Horse and Polar Bear walk into a bar on the Edge...

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11 hours ago, alibaba1 said:

 

Find the #1 Song on the Day You Were Born


https://playback.fm/birthday-song?fbclid=IwAR2VJqPAcyhEsx4HLnItKZYpxrNfhBsy3JA8e1PGSM7ojlf1V0zw-RUpt0w


mine is: Blue Tango by Leroy Anderson

 

Thanks!

Interestingly -

I found that my 3 oldest siblings had the same artist with the # one hit on the days they were born - total of 4.5 years apart...

Elvis Presley

 

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Posted (edited)

An old farmer had a large pond in his yard fixed up nicely with picnic tables, a barbecue pit, a horseshoe court and some Apple and Peach trees. The pond was very nice and had been fixed up for swimming.

 

One evening the old guy decided to go down to the pond and look it over as he hadn’t been there for a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket so he could bring some fruit back up to the house.

 

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he saw a group of young women skinny dipping in the water. He approached, making them aware of his presence. Upon seeing him they all swam to the deep end and one woman shouted, “We're not coming out until you leave!”
 

The old man frowned and said, “I did not come down here to watch you young ladies swim, or

make you get out of the pond naked.” Holding up the bucket he said, “I'm here to feed the alligator!”

 

You've got to give them credit, old men can still think fast!

Edited by C-Dragons

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Well, we have to think fast since we sure can't move fast anymore.

 

Image result for old man turtle

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A man and his wife walked into the dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, “ Doc, i am in one hell of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10am tee time at the best golf course in town and it’s 9:30 already. I don’t have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!’

The dentist though to himself, “ My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain.”

So the dentist asks him, “ Which tooth is it, sir?”

The man turns to his wife and says, “ Open your mouth honey and show him."

 

Den

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A tramp knocks on the door of an Inn known as “St. George and the Dragon”.

The landlady answers. "Could you give a poor man something to eat?" asks the tramp. "No!" yells the woman, slamming the door in his face.

A few minutes later, he knocks again. "Now what do you want?" the woman asks.

"Could I please have a few words with George?"

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The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands. The instructor said, “ Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial, it strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, and make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.”

“ Gentlemen, remember…you’re in this together. It wouldn’t hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for both of you.”

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed the information. After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room slowly raised his hand. “Yes?” said the instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”

Brings a tear to the eye doesn’t it. 
This level of sensitivity can’t be taught!
 

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On 5/14/2020 at 2:08 PM, C-Dragons said:

A tramp knocks on the door of an Inn known as “St. George and the Dragon”.

The landlady answers. "Could you give a poor man something to eat?" asks the tramp. "No!" yells the woman, slamming the door in his face.

A few minutes later, he knocks again. "Now what do you want?" the woman asks.

"Could I please have a few words with George?"

Loved this one.

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Posted (edited)

Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He’d been playing outside with the other kids for awhile when he came into the house and asked her, 

“Grandma, what’s that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?”

She was a little taken aback, but in the true spirit of being upfront with children, she decided to tell him the truth, “It’s called sexual intercourse, darling." 

Little Tony said, “Oh, OK,” and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, “ Grandma, it isn’t called sexual intercourse, it is called Bunk Beds,  and Jimmy’s Mom wants to talk to you!"

Edited by Denny01

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Social distancing doesn't seem a problem for this guy. Not only staying a distance, but people are crossing the road to get away. Why?

 

princess.jpeg

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Intelligence is like underwear. It is important that you have it, but, not necessary to show it off.

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I broke a mirror in my house and I was supposed to get 7 years bad luck, but, my lawyer thinks he can get me 5.

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Once upon a time when I was in the Army doing KP duty, my sergeant ordered me to prepare 100 gallons of soup for that night’s dinner. When I told him I had no clue how to make soup, he handed me a cookbook and instructed, “Follow the directions carefully!”

Not long after, I had a large kettle of soup simmering. The sergeant came in, grabbed a spoon, and took a taste. “I've never had soup like this before, it's really good!” he said. “Are you sure you followed the recipe?”  

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Posted (edited)

Comedian Martha Raye was a great supporter of the military and made many trips to Vietnam to entertain the troops during the war. She also liked her scotch.

One day, I was told to report to my commanding officer, who ordered me to escort Ms. Raye on her visit. He then added confidentially, “We’ve already been through three escorts. You’re the only one I can think of she won’t be able to drink under the table!”

Edited by C-Dragons

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