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“So a Penguin, a Horse and Polar Bear walk into a bar on the Edge...

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15 hours ago, mom says said:

Seriously? You don't know of the Irish divide between Catholics and Protestants?

Seriously? You don't know that the Irish divide is between England &Ireland.

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On 3/31/2020 at 10:59 PM, alibaba1 said:

image.thumb.png.b2d1d40f058a7371907bab8c343a5b93.png

My favorite so far.

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On 3/29/2020 at 2:06 PM, ischeer said:

This bit of humor comes with an introduction, but since we've all got nothing better to do, ...

Many jokes rely on double meanings in their punchlines.  This one, originally credited to the creators of "The Simpsons", contains not one, not two, but three double meanings in its 8-word punch line.

 

It's after the great flood.  The waters have receded, the sun has come out, and Noah gathers all the animals together.  Noah declares "The word from the Lord is 'Go Forth and Multiply'." The animals all leave the ark, thanking Noah.  All except two snakes, who remain behind.  When Noah questions them, one of the snakes points to a small grove of trees, and says to Noah "We need you to cut down those trees, and cut them up into pieces."  When Noah questions them, the snake replies ..."We're adders, and we need logs to multiply."

 

OK, so even with the prefatory explanation I still didn't get it. 

 

But all that money I paid to get my daughter a BS in Math paid off! 

She says:  "Because of the log rule.  Log x + log y = log (x*y)"

 

She asked her husband, who was not a math major, if he understood it and he said, "No-ah"

I think he's full of ark [how's that for several levels of double meaning...]

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One day, while strolling down the boardwalk, Bill bumped into an old friend of his, Rob, from high school. “You look great Bill, how do you stay looking so young? Why you must be 60 already but you don’t look a day over 40!” Rob exclaimed. “I feel like I’m 40 too!” replied Bill. “That’s incredible” exclaimed Rob, “Does it run in the family? How old was your dad when he passed?” “Did I say he was dead?” asked Bill. “He’s 81 and is more active then ever. He just joined the neighborhood basketball team!” responded Bill. “Whoa! Well how old was your Grandfather when he died?” “Did I say he died” asked Bill. Rob was amazed. “He just had his 105th birthday and plays golf and goes swimming each day! He’s actually getting married this week!” “Getting married?!” Rob asked. If he’s 105, why on earth does he want to get married?! Bill looked at Rob and replied, “Did I say he wanted to?”

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On 3/15/2020 at 9:54 PM, Denny01 said:

A sailor walks into a bar takes his seat and starts drinking. He leans over to the guy next to him and says "Hey buddy, you want to hear a Marine joke?" The guy says "Before you say the joke let me tell you this: I'm 6'0 190 lbs and I'm a Marine, my friend is 6'2 210 lbs and is also a Marine, the third guy is 6'5 250 lbs, he too is a Marine. So with that in mind do you still want to tell the joke?"

The sailor stops for a minute and thinks to himself, after a minute he tells the man "nah I dont want to explain it 3 times"

 

Den

 

Denny,

Gotta tell you as Corpsman who served close to 10 years of my career with the Marine Corps, I appreciate this Navy/Corps humor!

 

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41 minutes ago, DocJohnB said:

Denny,

Gotta tell you as Corpsman who served close to 10 years of my career with the Marine Corps, I appreciate this Navy/Corps humor!

 

And you fully realize I’d only tell that type of jokes to Navy guys, not a Marine!!

 

True story (well, a Navy guy telling a ‘true story’ is always suspect!): I was a JG in a squadron aboard a carrier and we were in port in Trieste. First liberty day so all were in uniform going ashore. The Italian army was holding ‘war games’ outside the city, but were in town for ‘relaxation’. Needless to say, the Sailors and Italian army guys did just fine getting drunk together. I had a duty watch as a Boat Officer on a liberty boat bringing the drunk sailors back onboard late that night. Had about 100 sailors and 10 Marines In the boat heading to the carrier. A marine saw a sailor had a belt on that looked a lot like a Marine uniform belt, it was an Italian belt and apparently the sailor and Italian had switched belts, but the Marine demanded: “Where did you get that Marine belt swabby??”. The sailor, who was barely 5ft tall and 110lbs of course answered as any ‘swabby’ would: “My buddy and I ran into 4 Marines, so we beat the hell out of them and I took one of their belts!”. This of course let to the Marine slugging the sailor, and the sailors slugging the Marines and it was a melee. I had the liberty boat turn back ashore and signaled them I had a riot. 4 Very Big Beefy Shore Patrol were waiting and cold-cocked more than a few and got the fights stopped. The lead SP asked me did I need anything else.....I told him, ‘yup - you step into the boat and stand right next to me.” . He was about 6ft 15.  I ordered all hands to remain quite and headed out to the ship. Halfway there, somebody pipped up, so I had the boatswain cut the engine and we sat there and bobbed away. The ‘bobbing’ had its full affect on drunk sailors and Marines and it got very quiet. So started up and delivered them abroad. 

 

Den 

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Bill, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Bill walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Bill and said,

"You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Bill replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."

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A man walked into a restaurant. They said “we can’t seat you without a tie.” He said the only thing he had he could wear as a tie was jumper cables. They said “ You can come in but, you better not start anything.”

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