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“So a Penguin, a Horse and Polar Bear walk into a bar on the Edge...


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A man stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut? The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'
The man left. A few days later, the same guy again stops in and asks 'How long before I can get a haircut?' The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.' A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut? The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half . The man quickly left. The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favor , follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back. 'A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, nervously shaking his head. The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?' Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,

‘Your house!'

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An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce. Forty-five years of misery is enough!”


”Pop, what are you talking about?!” screams the son.


”We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer”, the old man says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about it, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her”, and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who doesn’t take the news well.

“They’re not getting a divorce if I have anything to do about it!” she shouts. “I'll take care of this”.


She calls Phoenix immediately and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting a divorce! Don’t do a single thing until I get there! I'm calling my brother back and we will both be there tomorrow! Until then don’t do a thing. DO YOU HEAR ME?” and she hangs up.


The old man hangs up the phone, turns to his wife and says, “OK, the kids are coming for Thanksgiving... Now what do we tell them for Christmas?”

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A cruise ship is headed back from the Bahamas on its last night at sea. Right around dinner time, the captain gets on the loudspeaker.

“This is your captain speaking. There has been a mix up in our supply. While there are 1,000 passengers on board, we only have 750 meals for you all tonight. However, we do have an excess of booze, so anyone who is willing to give up their meal for tonight will receive free drinks for the rest of the cruise”

Two hours later, the captain gets on the loudspeaker again.

“Ladies and gentleman, I apologize but it appears we have run out of booze. On the upside, we still have 750 delicious meals for you to enjoy!”

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People said I would never get over my obsession with Phil Collins, But take a look at me now.


I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.


I told my doctor I felt a compulsion to continuously sing “Green Green Grass of Home” and he told me I had “Tom Jones Syndrome.” I asked if it was common and he said “It’s not unusual.”


I have an Elton John pun. It's a little bit funny.


Everyone at the John Lennon International Airport has been quarantined.
Imagine...ALL the people

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