“So a Penguin, a Horse and Polar Bear walk into a bar on the Edge...

[C-Dragons]

[tallyho8]

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Canada and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

 

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Alberta. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.' The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?" The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up." The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

 

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees! His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old son-of-a- bit@&! Now it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

[goofysmom99]

[alibaba1]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I’d like to buy some cyanide!”

The pharmacist asked, “ Why in the world do you need cyanide?” The lady replied, “ I need to poison my husband!”

The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he explained, “ Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband, that’s against the law. I’d lose my license! They’ll throw us both in jail. All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, “ You didn’t tell me you had a prescription !"

[goofysmom99]

Visual pun.

[C-Dragons]

[C-Dragons]

[Denny01]

[DoubleEntry]

Tom get's called to the hospital only to find out his business partner Bob has died.  Tom is wrought with grief and takes a seat on a bench.  The Doctor comes over to console him saying "Tom, I know you're upset and this is very difficult.  Your partner is dead.  I think it's best if you headed home and got some rest.  You have some busy days ahead."  Tom said okay and went home.

 

The next day the Doctor is walking by Bob's old room and sees Tom sitting on the same bench.  "Tom," he says, "please, your partner is dead and you have to take care of yourself.  I'm sure there are many things you have to do.  With that, Tom heads home.

 

The very next day the Doc see's Tom at the same bench.  He walks over and takes a seat with him.  He starts "Tom, this isn't heathy.  You have much to take care of and you can't be here everyday.  Bob, your partner is dead.  Please you have to move on."  Tom interrupts him and says, "Doctor, I'm really fine.  I just love hearing you say "Your partner is dead'."

 

Da Dum Dum

[Keys Kathy]

That was pretty dumb. 

[goofysmom99]

[alibaba1]

[alibaba1]

[alibaba1]

[C-Dragons]

[centurycruiser]

[alibaba1]

THE LOYAL WIFE!

There was a retired old man who had been in the Navy for over 30 years, had saved all of his money, and was a real penny pincher when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife.... "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died.

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said.... "Wait just a minute."

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

Her friend said.... "I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied....

"Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

The friend exclaimed..... "You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him?!" "I sure did" said the wife.... "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

[alibaba1]

[alibaba1]

Don was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out that he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share the fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty just took his breath away!

He said to her, “ I may look just like an ordinary guy, but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million.

Impressed the woman asked for his business card.

Three months later she became his stepmother...............

Lesson: Women are much better at financial planning then men are!

[alibaba1]

Our cat, Cappuccino, winks at me sometimes.....I always wink back, just in case it's some kind of code.

[alibaba1]

[tallyho8]

It's wise to remember how easily email can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.
Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.

[goofysmom99]

[Denny01]

[Roxydog15]

I can't believe this thread is still going strong.  Thanks for making me laugh.