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An older woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round. She says, “I used to play on my college’s golf team and was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?” No one wants to say ‘yes’ but they’re on the spot. Finally, they say “Okay, but we start at 6.30 a.m.” thinking that the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late. They roll their eyes but say “Okay.”

 

She’s there at 6.30 a.m. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She’s fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back next week. She smiles and says, “I’ll be there at 6.30 or 6.45.” The next week she again shows up at 6.30 sharp but, this time, she plays left-handed. The guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even-par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They’re totally amazed and can’t figure her out. She’s a very pleasant and gracious winner. They invite her back again but each man harbours a burning desire to beat her.

 

The third week, she’s 15 minutes late, which irritates them. This time she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part; however, she’s so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can’t hold a grudge. This woman is a riddle no one can figure out.

 

After the round, they have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse and, finally, one of the men asks her, “How do you decide if you’re going to golf right-handed or left-handed?” The older lady blushes and grins.

 

“When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned that I was ambidextrous,” she replies. “I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed.” The guys think this is hysterical.

 

Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, “What if it’s pointing straight up?”

 

She says, “Then, I’m fifteen minutes late.”

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When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

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A lady was at the supermarket shopping for a holiday turkey.

Looking through them, she asked the butcher "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

"No ma'am, they're dead."

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An old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching the sunrise.

He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.

He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."

Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.

Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks."

Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy says "It's a pussy willow."

Old man says "Wait up ... I'll get my hat."

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