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Waiter 

A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?" The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since we had that efficiency expert out; he determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen." The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?" The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string to pull out my penis, go, and return to work. Having never touched myself, there is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time." Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?" "Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."

🤣😂

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A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. "Oh, we'll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship," the husband explained. "She was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. She communicates well and I act like I'm listening."

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Paraprosdokians!

These are great:

Paraprosdokians (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or
unexpected :

 

1.  Where there's a will, I want to be in it!

2.  The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list!

3.  Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak!

4.  If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong!

5.  We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public!

6.  War does not determine who is right - only who is left!

7.  Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit . . . Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad!

8.  To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research!

9.  I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you!

10.  In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify: I put  'DOCTOR'!

11.  Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut. And still think they are sexy!

12.  I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure!

13.  To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target!

14.  Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a mechanic!

15.  You're never too old to learn something stupid!

16.  I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now!

17. Do not argue with an idiot; he will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience!

😊😊😊😊

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The Hypnotist at a Senior Home

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' centre.

After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.

"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.

"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.

"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for 6 generations" said Claude.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting

"Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch"

The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.

The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surface.

A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.

They were hypnotized.

And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!

The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact!

"CRAP!" said Claude.

It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Centre - and Claude was never invited back again.

 

BTW, there are a couple of funny replacement choices for what Claude said as the end😉😇

Edited by CSHS1979
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13 minutes ago, CSHS1979 said:

The Hypnotist at a Senior Home

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' centre.

After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.

"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.

"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.

"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for 6 generations" said Claude.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting

"Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch"

The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.

The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surface.

A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.

They were hypnotized.

And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!

The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact!

"CRAP!" said Claude.

It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Centre - and Claude was never invited back again.

That was a good one!!!

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A lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out---caterer, band, and a hired clown.

Just before the party starts, two guys show up looking for a handout.

Feeling sorry for them, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some firewood.

Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house.

Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time.

But the clown has not shown up, and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all.

The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself.

She happens to look out the window and sees one of the guys doing cartwheels across the lawn.

She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air.

She calls the other guy over and says, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"

"Well...," he responds, "I dunno...let me ask him... HEY WILLIE...FOR $50 WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"

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A man lives on a farm, he writes to his son in prison:

I can't grow potatoes this year.
I'm too old to be digging up the field.

Soon he gets a letter back from his son:

You can't dig in the field!!
That's where I buried the bodies!

The next morning, a swat team of cops showed up.
They dug up the entire field but found nothing.

Soon the farmer gets another letter from his son:

Now Dad, you can grow potatoes.
It was the best I could do from here.

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I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license... 😭😭😭😭😭😢😢😢😢
and all just because of a stupid police officer...
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?"

Me: "A car."

Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?"

Me:"I have no idea!"

Officer:"So, you're drunk."

Me:"But I didn't drink anything."

Officer:"Okay, one more test -- Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you.What is it?

Me:"A motorcycle."

Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?"

Me:"I have no idea!"

Officer:"As I suspected, you're drunk!"

Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question.

Me:"So..., counter question -- You're driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?"

Officer:"A prostitute of course."

Me:"Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?"

Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend...

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22 minutes ago, CSHS1979 said:


I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license... 😭😭😭😭😭😢😢😢😢
and all just because of a stupid police officer...
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?"

Me: "A car."

Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?"

Me:"I have no idea!"

Officer:"So, you're drunk."

Me:"But I didn't drink anything."

Officer:"Okay, one more test -- Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you.What is it?

Me:"A motorcycle."

Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?"

Me:"I have no idea!"

Officer:"As I suspected, you're drunk!"

Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question.

Me:"So..., counter question -- You're driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?"

Officer:"A prostitute of course."

Me:"Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?"

Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend...

 

OMG...where are you getting these jokes...I enjoy reading them to the DH and we both laugh hysterically!  🤣😂

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