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SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES THAT WORK!!

 1. To avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables, get someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
 2. To avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat-use the sink.
 3. For high blood pressure sufferers - simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. [remember to use a timer.]
 4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
 5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives - you'll be afraid to cough.
 6. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
 7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem

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On 7/19/2020 at 10:46 AM, S-and-J said:

This was posted in May:

 

 

What nonsense.  No such thing happened in June.  In fact:

Oops.

I have always suspected the media have a private mailing list where they agree in advance what made-up stories they are going to put out when it is quiet.

 

. . . .

 

Oh, lordy.  I did a search for "future disasters 2020" and this came up: 2020 Preparedness Calendar.  I thought this was a spoof but is the 'Official website of the Department of Homeland Security'.  It includes expected and terrifying end-of-the-world horrors such as:

  • Back to School (I should have thought most parents are looking forward to that);
  • National Preparedness Month in September (shame that wasn't at the start of the year, really) including Save Early for Disaster Costs but if it's the end of the world, who cares?
  • Fall Safety, yep, watch out for those wet leaves.  Is this site really funded by the taxpayer?  It also "details the potential effects of hazardous space weather".  Yep, it must be taxpayers' money.
  • I assume National Community Planning Month is like family planning, but for small, rural communities.
  • Home-made flammable safety decorations for your Christmas tree.  For real.

I wasn't expecting quite so much potential for humour on a government web site!  I can imagine a stand-up comic having a field day with that lot.  Still not as funny as the Coughs and Sneezes Spread Diseases public information film:

 

 

Did you actually follow that link?

 

It is not about falling on leaves.

 

It is about fall weather.  And remember the fall is part of hurricane season.

 

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I honestly hope this is not considered political. 

It makes fun of everyone. 

 

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

JOE BIDEN: Why did the chicken do the...thing in the...you know the rest.

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

AOC: Chickens should not be forced to lay eggs! This is because of corporate greed! Eggs should be able to lay themselves.

HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.

ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

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