Jump to content

To add some humour...


Recommended Posts

26 minutes ago, sandebeach said:

6F9E6F05-18D5-4F24-B3CF-8C219146B618.jpeg

And some people don’t even have a clue what you’re talking about. 😳

There is a fine line between pushing it fast enough to have enough momentum to catch the engine versus pushing it so fast down the hill that you are unable to make the jump in, and the car ends up in the creek without you 😏

Or so I’ve been told....

  • Like 8
  • Haha 6
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Two men, one older and one young, were nailing siding onto a house. The older man watched the young man take a nail from his pouch, look at it, shake his head and throw the nail away. He pulled out another nail, looked at it, nodded and pounded it in. He did that several times, throwing away several nails. The older man finally asked "Why did you throw those nails away?"

 

The young man replied "They were defective. The heads were on the wrong end!"

 

The older man replied "Doh! You idiot! Those nails are for the OTHER side of the house!"

 

  • Haha 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

An attractive blonde arrived at the casino and bet twenty-thousand pounds on a single roll of the dice:
She said. “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.”
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled.
“Come on, baby, your Mummy needs new clothes!”
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed…
“YES! YES! I WON, I WON!”
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked.
“What did she roll?”
The other answered.
“I don’t know – I thought you were watching.”
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Not all blondes are stupid, not all blondes are dumb, but all men are MEN…

  • Like 3
  • Haha 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer. The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...?? WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. 

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another. The directions said that: a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. 

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!! 

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. 

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return! 

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!
🙂

  • Haha 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi! Welcome to Kindergarten! I’m your teacher.  I know you can’t see me because I’m wearing this mask with a shield over my face. Oh, no, hunny. It’s ok. I’m not scary. I’m smiling at you underneath all of this. Come hold my hand... ummm...nevermind Let me give you a hug...errr...Let’s take a look at all the toys we will play with this year.  Bummer, that’s right. Nevermind. We can’t share toys this year.  But hey, you’re going to meet so many new friends in Kindergarten! You’ll get to play with them and..... Well, not play, play with them. I mean like you’ll be six feet apart and you’ll each play with your own stuff.... That’s fun, right? Well, anyways, here’s our library. We can’t have books on the shelves. You can’t touch the same books as your classmates because of those silly little germs!   Instead, I’ll give you these black and white paper books that I stapled together and put in your very own cardboard box!  You can take it to your seat aaaaalllllllll the way over here. I’ll be aaaalllllll the way over there if you need me. Ok, now let's see if you can write your name.... ummmm, that’s not how you hold your pencil, here, let me show you. I’ll put my hand over your hand and guide you...oh, I mean, let me just show you how to hold it. Put your pointer finger...no that’s not pointer...oh, shucks. Nevermind, we'll be using computers most of the time anyways, who needs to learn pencil grip?! Here’s your Chrome Book💻. Isn’t it cool? No, it's not a touch screen like your mommy's phone or your tablet.... that's a keyboard it has letters on it. Yes I'm going to teach you how to use it. No, that's the number 1 not the letter L. I know, they look the same. But I'm sure you'll be fine working online from home 3 days a week and coming to school 2 days a week, that won't be at all Confusing, now will it?
What’s that? You want to learn how to read? We will try the best we can..... Why are you crying? You’re hot with that mask on? Me too. Do you want a drink of water? No wait, We can’t use that water fountain anymore. You’re tired? I know, me too! Welcome to Kindergarten in 2020!
 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Things to think about in your isolation.

  • I’m on two diets. I wasn’t getting enough food on one.
  • A cold seat in a public restroom is unpleasant. A warm seat in a public restroom is worse.
  • Apparently RSVP’ing to a wedding invitation “Maybe next time” isn’t the correct response.
  • Don’t irritate old people. The older we get the less “Life in prison” is a deterrent.
  • Have you ever listened to someone for a minute and thought “Their cornbread ain’t done in the middle.”
  • Aliens probably ride by earth and lock their doors.
  • “You will hit every cone on the highway before I let you merge in front of me because you saw that sign 2 miles ago like I did. “
  • I really don’t mind getting older, but my body is taking it badly.
  • It turns out that being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
  • I miss the 90’s when bread was still good for you and no one knew what kale was.
  • Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think “That can’t be accurate.”
  • I want to be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
  • As I watch this generation try to rewrite our history, one thing I’m sure of….it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.
  • I thought getting old would take longer.
  • I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday.
  • Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
  • My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make food right in front of you. I took her to Subway. That’s when the fight started.
  • Me: Sobbing my heart out, “ I can’t see you anymore…..I’m not going to let you hurt me again.”
  • Trainer: “It was one sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
  • I went line dancing last night. OK, it was a roadside sobriety test…same thing.
  • Picked up a hitchhiker. He asked if I wasn’t afraid he might be a serial killer? I told him the odds of two serial killers being in the same car were extremely unlikely.            
     
  • Like 3
  • Haha 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Last week, a group of Hells Angels bikers were riding South on I-85 in North Carolina country when they saw a girl about to jump off the Catawba River Bridge.
They stopped.
George, the top biker was a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Troopers and he says, "Hey Baby, whatcha doin' up there on that there railin'?"
She says "I'm going to commit suicide!"
George says "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe, how about you give ol' George here your best goodbye kiss?"
Without hesitation, she leaned back over the rail and did just that. And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss plus a few more real wet ones. George gets cheers of approval from his biker-buddies, onlookers, and even the State Troopers.
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you got there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

  • Like 3
  • Haha 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

7 hours ago, CSHS1979 said:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer. The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...?? WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. 

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another. The directions said that: a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. 

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!! 

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. 

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return! 

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!
🙂

I think we're in the same place . Only one Larrys Pistol and Pawn. By the way, I'm still laughing!  😁

Link to comment
Share on other sites

9 hours ago, bobndee said:

Two men, one older and one young, were nailing siding onto a house. The older man watched the young man take a nail from his pouch, look at it, shake his head and throw the nail away. He pulled out another nail, looked at it, nodded and pounded it in. He did that several times, throwing away several nails. The older man finally asked "Why did you throw those nails away?"

 

The young man replied "They were defective. The heads were on the wrong end!"

 

The older man replied "Doh! You idiot! Those nails are for the OTHER side of the house!"

 

Three Stooges routine.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many. 

Ear Infection

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what is wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing. 

There is nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. 

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it. 

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. 

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?' 

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied. 

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. ' 

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.' 

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??' 

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?' 

'I can't pee out of it,' he replied. 

The waiting room erupted in laughter...

  • Like 2
  • Haha 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut? 

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.' 

The guy left. 

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

  

The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'

  

The guy left. 

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?

  

The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half .

  

The guy left.

  

The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favor , follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.' 

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. 

The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?' 

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, 

'Your house!'
😂😂😂

  • Like 2
  • Haha 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
 Share

  • Forum Jump
    • Categories
      • Thank You for 25 Years - Click for Fun Stuff!
      • Forum Assistance
      • New Cruisers
      • Cruise Lines “A – O”
      • Cruise Lines “P – Z”
      • River Cruising
      • ROLL CALLS
      • Digital Photography & Cruise Technology
      • Special Interest Cruising
      • Cruise Discussion Topics
      • UK Cruising
      • Australia & New Zealand Cruisers
      • Canadian Cruisers
      • North American Homeports
      • Ports of Call
      • Cruise Conversations
×
×
  • Create New...