Jump to content

To add some humour...


Recommended Posts

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary. One day John snaped and yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in a fit of rage grabbed the bird and closed him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”
John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, “May I ask what the turkey did?
 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

A man and a woman were dating. She, being of a religious nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so badly. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.
One day, as they slowly drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit [60 MPH] you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing."
He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 65 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 70 off came the pants. At 75 it was her bra and At 80 her panties. Now seeing her naked for the first time...and traveling faster than he ever had before...he became very excited and lost control of the car.
He veered off the road, went over an embankment, and hit a tree! His girlfriend was not hurt, but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck.
"Go to the road and get help," he said. "I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied.
The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her. So she did as he said and went up to the road for help.
Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story. "My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"
The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replied, "Ma'am if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"
 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband:

"Have you ever seen twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No" said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.

He took the crumpled twenty dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked "Have you ever seen fifty dollars all crumpled up?"

"No I haven't" he said with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile pulled up her skirt, seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.

He took the crumpled fifty dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

"Now" she said "Have you ever seen 50,000 dollars all crumpled up?"

"No way" he said, becoming even more aroused and excited to which she replied:

"Go look in the garage."

  • Like 2
  • Haha 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, CSHS1979 said:

Wisconsin......

 

Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee. "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly? The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing."

Being from Wisconsin, we always heard the joke about how Oconomowoc got it's name. I can't remember the whole story but evidently two pioneers were searching for a place to start a new town when one turns to the other and says "Oconomowoc no more". (Sorry, I guess you have to hear the original to appreciate it).

 

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 hours ago, 2chiefs said:

Being from Wisconsin, we always heard the joke about how Oconomowoc got it's name. I can't remember the whole story but evidently two pioneers were searching for a place to start a new town when one turns to the other and says "Oconomowoc no more". (Sorry, I guess you have to hear the original to appreciate it).

 

 

 

My husband grew up in a lead boom town. 

 

Some prospectors were down to their last mine and said Ore or no go.

 

His street was Oronogo 

Edited by CSHS1979
  • Haha 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

In honor of prospectors

 

AN OLD WOMAN WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST.

AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER. THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"

THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO,... I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."

A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.

THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR -- NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF --STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.

THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.

THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR, AND THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING. THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.

THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?"

THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO M'AM... BUT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO.

THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:

1 - Never be arrogant.

2 - Don't waste ammunition.

3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.

4 - Always make sure you know who has the power.

5 - Don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

22 hours ago, centurycruiser said:

I can think of one way to happily "subtract a beer." I don't understand the fuss.

I’m currently subtracting a Huck It huckleberry blonde ale from Big Sky Brewing Company (Missoula, MT). 
 

not difficult at all. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

14 hours ago, 2chiefs said:

image.png.0a00a54ac3f81a0aef36fc3f64b56e07.png

Hello,

 

The top left is exactly what I remember. From the top of our office building I could see a storm moving in the distance and in true Tom and Jerry fashion the area before and after the storm pipe was perfectly clear.

 

Thanks for the effort.

 

Regards,

 

Cublet

Link to comment
Share on other sites

17 hours ago, CSHS1979 said:

With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband:

"Have you ever seen twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No" said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.

He took the crumpled twenty dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked "Have you ever seen fifty dollars all crumpled up?"

"No I haven't" he said with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile pulled up her skirt, seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.

He took the crumpled fifty dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

"Now" she said "Have you ever seen 50,000 dollars all crumpled up?"

"No way" he said, becoming even more aroused and excited to which she replied:

"Go look in the garage."

You forgot to include a photo of the car in the garage all damaged and crumpled up. Otherwise it is hard to understand the joke.

  • Haha 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • read2learn changed the title to To add some Humour

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
 Share

  • Forum Jump
    • Categories
      • Announcement: Sail with Marella Cruises ~ Sponsored by Marella Cruises
      • Forum Assistance
      • Q&A: Princess Cruises - Medallion Masters!
      • New Cruisers
      • Cruise Lines “A – O”
      • Cruise Lines “P – Z”
      • River Cruising
      • ROLL CALLS
      • Digital Photography & Cruise Technology
      • Special Interest Cruising
      • Cruise Discussion Topics
      • UK Cruising
      • Australia & New Zealand Cruisers
      • Canadian Cruisers
      • North American Homeports
      • Ports of Call
      • Cruise Conversations
×
×
  • Create New...