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Hi I was posting a few jokes to lighten the  mood in these covid virus worrying times.

Just a bit of harmless fun until we get back to cruising again .

Lets laugh at ourselves and each other together ... Thank you 😊

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A Yorkshireman and his wife were walking past a swanky new restaurant.

 

"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "It's absolutely incredible!"

Being a kind-hearted feller he thought, "What the hell, I'll treat her!"

So they walked past it again.😊

                                                                                

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Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Dam" !   😉

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Eddie99

Cool Cruiser

 

Non PC joke - but it’s the pub, so I guess it’s alright?

 

A blonde walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre

So the barman gave her one

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I went to see a faith healer today and he was rubbish,

 

                                             even the bloke in the wheelchair got up and walked out ! 😑😉

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                                                               URGENT   NOTICE !  

 

Nail salons are now closed  ..........      😒

 

Eye Lash salons are now closed......    😒

 

Hair salons are now closed   .............  😒

 

Tanning salons are now closed  ..........😒

 

waxing salons are now closed  ............💔   

 

 

                 IT'S ABOUT TO GET UGLY OUT THERE  LADS, STAY SAFE  !  😁

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Walking around the supermarket  last night  I was shocked at how bare the shelves
were being left . 
I must admit it really made me feel mad.
In the next aisle was a guy and I could not believe my eyes what he had on his cart.
Eggs,beans ,butter,soap you name it, loads of it .
So I told him what I thought of greedy ,disgusting,  selfish panic buyers.
He totally agreed with me  and said......  "sorry mate I must carry on stocking these shelves ". 😏
 

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I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I think he was trying to pull a fast one.

 

Also Man walks into another  Zoo - but the only thing he sees is a small dog - it was a S.hitzu

 

but next  cage there was a Hovis loaf.  The sign on the cage said "Bread in Captivity" 😉

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Some people are getting worried about the virus but I tell my friends I'm here for them 24/7 because it sounds

a lot better than saying I'm only here for them on 24 July.😉

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One of those romantic chats we have 😏.........

 

Me.."Do you remember that row we had twenty years ago when we sat down and wrote down each others faults?"
 

Wife. "Oh God yes, I still have mine somewhere, " she said with a giggle. 
 

Me.."Well I've now finished mine , " 😀

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wowzz

3,000+ Club

 

   At least with this self isolation I get to talk to my wife a lot more. Turns out she doesn't work at Woolworths now! 😊

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So, how long is this social distancing going to last? 

 

It's causing me a bit of an issue... 

 

The wife  keeps banging on the door wanting to come in... 😊

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Cruising Nomads

Cool Cruiser

 

                      I've been told to work from home tomorrow, so tarmacing the front room it is then.😊

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A west ham fan and a saints fan  are on a frozen lake, not talking to each other.
so I thought I would go over there and break the ice.😑😏

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An American  man goes on a cruise around the orient .discovering how cheap the brothels were , he had his fair share of time in them .

A week after arriving back home, he awakes one morning to find his ****covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I’ve got bad news for you. You’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.” The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc.” The doctor answers, “I’m sorry, there’s no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your *****.”
The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!” The doctor replies, “Well, it’s your choice.

Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only option.”
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his ***** and proclaims, “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease.”
The guy says to the doctor: “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my  *****!” The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, “Stupid American doctors, they always want to operate. Make more money that way. No need to operate”
“Oh, Thank God!,” the man replies.
“Yes,” says the Chinese doctor, “You no worry! Wait two weeks... it fall off by itself."😟😟
 

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I got a package in the post today, and on it it said, ‘Please don’t bend.’ So how was I supposed to pick it up?😕

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Good deed done today.
I Was at Lidl  supermarket earlier, and at the check out I was behind an old lady in the queue.

Her bill came to £36.83 but when she counted out all her change she only had just under £30.
I thought she was probably someone’s Gran and I’d like to think someone would have helped my Gran out.
So I thought “Come on  in these Covid worrying times, help the woman ”...
She didn’t want me to help her but I insisted, and in no time at all we had all her shopping back on the shelves.😏

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Did you hear about the bloke who was asked by his wife to pass her the lip balm but he gave her some superglue instead...

She’s still not talking to him.😕

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Police were called to our Tesco supermarket today after a fight broke out over loo roll.

They calmed things down and one person was left with soft tissue damage. 😉

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My grandma was getting on the bus to go to the pet cemetery with her cat's remains.

As she got on the bus and not sure if she had to pay a fare for it .

She whispered to the bus driver, "I have a dead pussy"

The driver pointed to the lady sitting behind him and said, ..

......"OK sit down with my wife, you two have a lot in common."😊😉

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I got thrown out a Strip club the other  night for using monopoly money........

 

I don’t see why I should pay real money to see fake boobs.😕☺️

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An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there,

she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old.

What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."
The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night.😀☺️😏

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I'm working on my new Corona virus joke,everyone could get it .😕

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Now we are in lock down, I just hope next week Boris Johnson does not come on TV 

and shouts "APRIL FOOL" 😀 I for one will hit the roof ! 😒😏

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                                  😊      THIS WEEK ONLY  ...   PSYCHIC   KALOS !      😊

 

                        1516324522_psychickalos.thumb.jpg.41fe25b7ecc31f6f512a880423c6bcea.jpg

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