diann744

9 hours ago, ontheweb said:

And it is really lucky that no one was outside standing or sitting on their balconies in the affected area when the "incident" or "accident" happened. 

If they were, I imagine they retreated quickly when they saw something the size of a building moving toward their lounge chairs!

"This is the Captain speaking.  All guests will immediately evacuate the stern of the ship," is NOT the wake-up call this Chardonnay Sister wanted to hear this morning!

 

But, as others have said, the evacuation was called off almost before it began and since the Elite Beverage Package had already expired last night, I'll still give the cruise high marks.  (Tongue firmly in cheek and all best wishes to those who were/are affected.)

Oh wow.

 

 

First, Hank, thanks for your insights into Luggage Direct. I only really read up on them when this schedule change first happened and I confess, it sounded like the very best thing in the world. Now that I have a better idea of the potential pitfalls, I’ll be much more wary. Bullet dodged.

 

 

I have had luggage go astray but it wasn’t the fault of the airline or any outside service. I was flying home to the “Burbank, Hollywood, John Wayne, Brad & Angelina Airport” up the street and dutifully queued up at the outdoor baggage claim where I waited and waited. Eventually all the peeps and bags had gone and I was left standing alone with the one unclaimed bag that looked exactly like mine and could have done a very nice impression of BEING mine except for the fact that it held someone else’s clothes.

 

 

Clearly, this bag’s owner had mistakenly absconded with my bag. Unfortunately she lived in San Diego and would not realize her error until long after I planned to be asleep. The main lesson I learned – do not save carry-on weight by tucking your house keys into the outside pocket of your checked bag! I ended up having to wake a neighbor to let me in.

 

 

And Leslie, apparently, we’re on the same flight. I have loved Alaska Airlines for a million years (and still do) but TWO schedule changes without notification? I confess, I’m not really happy with them right now. (I’m not actually religious but things went downhill when they stopped giving you the little prayer on the lunch tray. JK!)

 

 

Thanks everyone for your tips and tricks!

 

 

Di

Thank you, everyone! We've decided to carry our own luggage off and take our chances. I feel a bit better about our odds now. :D

Thanks for the tips. I just checked Luggage Direct and the flight doesn't fall within their time frame so that's a NO.

 

I just happened to pull up my reservation this morning to check my seat assignments and found that the schedule had changed. When I called they told me that they notify 3 months in advance so I'd be getting a notice sometime next week. I wouldn't mind so much if the next flight was a few hours later but 10 1/2 extra hours is crazy.

 

The shorex options are all roughly four hours so that would still have us sitting at the airport for a dangerous amount of drinking time!

 

I'm leaning toward trying it. I'm due for some good luck!

Hi,

 

I just found out that the 11:50 am flight out of FLL that I booked months ago has been changed to a 10:00 am. I booked Alaska Airlines with miles and their only other flight that day is 8:30 pm.

 

 

• So, I can spend 12 hours with nothing to do in Florida,while hauling luggage behind me;
  
• Or, spend hundreds of dollars re-booking on another airline where all that’s available are middle seats;
  
• Or, spend hundreds of dollars on a hotel room and leave the next day, probably also in middle seats.
  

If we sign up for expedited disembarkation and roll our own luggage off, will we be able to make this flight?

 

Any advice is appreciated!

 

Diann

Thank, Whogo. It keeps deleting spaces between words. I make enough errors on my own without having to cop to ones that aren't my fault!

(I'm tired of editing this and I'm seriously not enjoying this new platform. It's pretty but it keeps screwing the formatting! I make typos, but not this many!)

Oh guys, I don’t even know what to say. I’ve been away, for obvious reasons, and I’m feeling so grateful to be welcomed back.

Naturally, the loss of the Evil Twin was horrific. And I know that each and every one of you has been through something similar.

 

 

Christy will always be in my heart, my life and my soul. No one will replace her. Ever.

 

 

But, when she did that “thing” we had a cruise on the books –a 14 day Alaska on the Rotterdam. Myfriend Robin, who was not a traveler, agreed to come with me, I think mainly as a kindness. She actually got her first-ever passport for the occasion.

 

We went, we saw, we conquered. It was bittersweet, and I cried in the bathroom more than once. But it really was OK.

 

 

Different, as everything is now, butwe really did have a great time.

 

 

Christy and I had a 30-year timeshare in Cabo and this last December was the 30th year. I REALLY wanted to go. To spend that last year in the place we’d called home for more than half my life. Robin, once again, stepped up. And then fell down. Actually, she broke her knee a week or so before our trip. It looked like it wouldn’t happen.

 

 

But, armed with a portable wheelchair, crutches and a lot of hutzpah, she and I took Cabo by storm.

 

 

I didn’t review the Alaska trip because it was too soon, andthe Cabo thing wasn’t a cruise, so…

 

 

Next up – 10 day Caribbean on the Koningsdam (not sure it’s myship but we’ll see). I’m heat-averse sothat’s another issue entirely!

 

 

Robin is more Miller Lite and Merlot than Chardonnay but I think there will be enough to write about!

Hi,

 

I've booked a cruise with a friend. The Evil Twin having checked out. I'm wondering if a review is appropriate? Or wanted?

 

D

I was surprised to see this thread come alive again and I wanted to, once again, reach out and say thank you to all of you who have said such beautiful things to me. I know most of you, if not all, have been through similar tough times and I take great comfort in knowing that you are all there to provide support to others,regardless of your own issues.

 

I’m doing OK and I’ll be sailing next month with a dear friend. It won’t be the same, but it’s not supposed to be. It’s what the Evil Twin would have wanted and I plan to do her proud.

 

I promise to raise a glass to all of our former readers and cheerleaders. I might even attempt a review but in my wine-induced grief, I already gave up up all of my good lines so maybe not. We’ll see. It will be bittersweet but, oh man, what a ride it was!

 

I confess that, sometimes I reread old reviews to bring back the wonderful memories. And I always read the comments and get such joy from knowing that our antics provided some mirth now and then.

 

I’ll never forget one cruise (although I do forget which cruise) where there was a couple seated behind us (or in front of us, depending on whose perspective) in the MDR who had a table for two but sat next to each other rather than across (which I always associate with honeymooners).

 

We went to the medallion presentation and they were honored for 700 days. On the last night of our trip, the lovely lady stopped by our table to tell us how much they enjoyed seeing how much fun we always seem to have. I remember thinking, “Well duh, why would we do it if it wasn’t fun?” But the truth is, I got what she was saying. We really had a blast. Always. Always.

 

Never loud, never crude. And for all our tales of overindulgence, never drunk, disorderly or doing anything to draw attention. Except for the silly purses, we flew under the radar and enjoyed life in our own little bubble. I miss that bubble but there are new bubbles to be found, right?

 

Here’s to new bubbles.

The formatting is NOT you. Here is a thread from the other day that explains it. http://boards.cruisecritic.com/showthread.php?t=2462485

 

Oh good. I thought I'd had a grammar infarction of some kind.

 

Please tell me someone's working on it. Within two weeks, we'll all look like idiots.

OK, is anyone else having issues with the formatting on this new site? Even after numerous drinks, I don't type that bad.

 

Anyway, thank you all. For those not in on the joke, Christy and I are not actually twins; we just act like it. We always joke that we are twins but I slept late for nine years. Still, twins where it matters.

 

We had a trip on the string -- Alaska, May 22nd, on the Amsterdam.

 

I will be going, with my good friend Robin who has never cruised, never had a passport before, and enjoys chardonnay very much. Never a replacement, as no one can replace Christy or would ever be bold (or stupid) enough to try, but I would be thrilled to meet in person any of the folks I've come to respect on the boards.

 

So if anyone wants to join, I'll happily buy you a drink in my sister's honor. As long as it's not chard. That's mine.

Oh good grief! Did I actually post that last night? As you can imagine, there was wine involved. I actually do know how to spell and punctuate but I clearly wasn't at my best.

If I ever regain my equilibrium, I’ll finish the review and figure out how to delete this drunken rambling.

Or, truth be told, this is kind of representative so maybe I should just leave it as is.

 

Thank you for the kind words. I hope we made you laugh. Christy made me laugh every day of my life.

I think most would agree that 2016 had been the “New Coke” of years. Right up there with the Edsel,

bottled water for dogs, and the Samsung Galaxy Note 7. So, what were we to do but set out on the high seas to help move the calendar toward 2017 and better days.

 

We took a Lyft to LAX, having decided to brave the big, scary airport and fly direct rather than meander down to the Hollywood – Burbank – Bob Hope – Gene Autry –Brad & Angelina – Jennifer Lawrence Airport where the name is actually longer than the runway. This required xanax and Chardonnay, which we packed for just such an eventuality.

 

We stopped into the Gladstones at LAX for some pre-flight drinks and munchies where I ordered the “seasonal fruit” plate. Apparently, my brain was already in the Caribbean because seasonal fruit in Los Angeles in late November consisted of a bowl of cantaloupe and nothing more.

 

We boarded our first ever Virgin America flight after hearing many people rave about this airline. Apparently, their claim to fame is mood lighting. Which meant that we entered the plane around 10 am to find all the windows shuttered and a very dim cabin indeed. Of course, the window seat passengers could have corrected this but no one seemed so inclined and so we flew the whole daytime trip in almost complete darkness which I thought was a bit weird.

 

Once in FLL,we called the hotel to ask about the shuttle and were told it was full but would come back for us. An hour later,the van did indeed come back but was again full. Eventually we called a Lyft driver but he couldn’t find us. Finally, we gave up and hopped a cab. 2 hours after collecting our luggage, we were checking in at the hotel that was 1.2 miles from the baggage claim. Needless to say, we were pretty cranky when we got to the hotel and that only got worse when the perky front desk person told us (quite cheerfully) that our reservation had been cancelled. Sis managed not to d anything warranting a Code Red incident and whipped out the color-coded file of spindled and mutilated travel docs to prove that we did, in fact have a reservation and we would be staying at their fine establishment if we had tobunker down in the lobby.

 

We’d stayed at this hotel before when it was a XXX but now it was between names as it undergoes upgrades to become a Four Points by Sheraton. It’s not there yet, say 2.5 points but if you can deal with only one working elevator and blackout drapes that we assured were there but seemed to be hiding, it fit the bill.

 

We settled in, meandered across the street to Ernie’s for a grilled ham and cheese on Bimini bread for me and teriyaki chicken on great slabs of said bread for Sis. Wonderful. Then we stopped at the conveniently located CVS next to the hotel for some last minute essentials – tissues for the cabin,cough drops, full size shampoo and conditioner (does anyone else hate that Elemis stuff?)

Once back at the hotel we realized that the Evil Twin had left her glasses at the front desk. Since she was less than gentle with the desk dude, I claimed they were mine and made puppy dog eyes until he reluctantly produced them from under the counter. I don’t think he believed me for a second and they were certainly headed for the shredder.

 

Next morning we crawled down the road for pancakes at Denny’s and called an Uber to get us to the pier. We were too scared to call Lyft in case we got the same confused driver as yesterday. That one tried to charge me $5 for being a no-show. I complained that if I was a no-show, so was he and got the charge lifted. If neither party shows, who exactly stood who up? I need to watch An Affair to Remember again.

 

The Uber driver complained the whole way about the traffic and about how little he would be making from our trip. This is our fault, why?

 

Short line to check in but body-slamming aplenty and lots of other bad behavior to be seen. Hopefully, this was not to be the norm for the trip.

 

I need to remind myself that the overly-caffeinated, happy people saying, “this way, this way,” and “right over here,” actually make me insane because I can clearly follow signs, I’ve been here before, the entire crowd is moving in the same direction and I’m not actually an idiot.

 

The lovely woman who checked us in, let’s call her Myopic Myrna, squinted at each of our passports and boarding passes, leaned down until her nose was practically touching the computer screen, looked from one sister to the other and kept swapping out paperwork out in front of us as if she just wasn’t sure who was who.

 

Normally this is not a big problem; Mom couldn’t tell us apart and no harm done. In fact, Christy often got blamed for my antics so it usually worked in my favor. Not this time.

 

We left the desk and made our way onto the ship where we joined different lines to pass through security. I was waved through but The Twin’s security guy puffed up his chest, stood in front of her blocking her way and was clearly giving off signs that there was going to be a“incident.” I looked over to his desk and clearly saw my picture on his screen. When I tried to tell him that, he seemed freaked out that there were now two security threats instead of one.

 

We tried to explain that somehow Myrna had put my pic on both IDs. No one seemed to believe us and even when we explained we were sisters, travelling together, the alarm bells were minutes away. We were asked to wait and many phone calls happened. One security guy went out to interrogate Myrna (who is likely doing time as I write this) and we were both asked the same questions over and over – what room are you in? Me: 7081. Her: 7081. “Both of you?” “Yes, as we’ve explained, we’re sisters, traveling together.” That was not going down at all.

 

Eventually,a Front Desk person was called and escorted us down to check us in all over again. The Twin had to re-do everything from her passport info to her Emergency Contact.

 

But finally,we were in and after running to our room to drop off all the heavy electronics that never seem to work in the Caribbean anyway, we headed to the MDR to checkout our table. I looked at my keycard and saw that we were at Table 75 which was set for four. Never liking to take a chance sharing a table, we decided to go have it changed. Our HAL TA has bought us a Pinnacle reservation for that night at 5:00 and being late diners, we wanted to see if we could change that too.

 

So, I went to the Pinnacle and Her Evilness walked over to the desk set up across the way to sort out the dining table. The Pinnacle folks had us sorted in no time and Sis was quite miffed when the MDR guy asked to see her key card and pointed out that it clearly said Table 73, which is already a table for two. Fine, I’ll buy a pair of readers in the shop.

 

 

OK, that’s as far as I got on this review. My beautiful sister passed away, against doctors’ orders, and mine, last week. I’m furiously pissed off about that and I’ll get back at her someday, I promise.

 

This is the Chardonnay Sisters checking out. It was a great freaking ride!

 

This review was going to be great and here are some of the lines I was holding in reserve:

I hope they make you chuckle.

 

Sounds like a greeting card from a Chinese dollar store

 

I tested negative for affluenza

 

If I wanted to kill myself I’d climb your ego and jump to your IQ

 

I’m pretty sure my spirit animal has rabies

 

People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.

 

I hate being bi-polar. It’s awesome.

 

An optimist is simply one has yet to hear the news

 

Six out of seven dwarves aren’t happy

 

Whenever the brain and heart fight, it’s always the liver that suffers

 

…wouldn’t even hear the grenade rolling in

 

He could start a fire in a bowl of water

 

Blame the tooth fairy for prostitution. She’s the one who taught kids to sell their body parts for money

 

I’m an indoorsy type

 

Your secrets are safe with me because there’s a good chance I wasn’t listening

 

I’m not insulting you, I’m describing you

 

What is the new testament if not fan fiction?

 

I’m dressed like a carnival ride

 

I think my guardian angel drinks

 

Some people are proof that evolution can go in reverse

 

I stop the microwave at 1 second so I can pretend I just diffused a bomb

 

Wine -- the medicine that makes your mouth work faster than your mind

 

I hate people who use big words just to make themselves loo perspicacious

 

When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on

 

My calling in life went straight to voicemail

 

I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere

 

Our conscience is clear- we don't use it

 

Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool

 

You look like a before picture

 

Dear alcohol, we had a deal where you would make me funnier, smarter,and a better dancer... I saw the video... we need to talk

 

I'm not an alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink, but I already have one

 

In principle, I can stop drinking, the thing is – I don't have such aprinciple

 

We all sprang from apes, but some people didn't spring far enough

 

I haven't been ignoring you; I've been prioritizing you

 

The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action

 

I think I figured out Victoria's Secret. She's hungry

 

I'm not afraid of commitment, I'm afraid of involuntary commitment

 

I've learned so much from my mistakes, I'm thinking of making a few more

 

Don't jump to confusions

 

Plan to be spontaneous, tomorrow

 

I love how people say they're "expecting" a baby, as if it might be something else, like a penguin

 

Oops. That should have stayed in a thought bubble

 

Explaining **** is a bit like teaching poetry to fish

 

Don’t judge me because I’m quiet. Don’t mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.

 

Never insult seven people if you only have a six-shooter

 

Ah, so and so, my constant reminder that Darwin was right

 

I’m indecisive and impatient; I don’t know what I want but I want it now.

 

I’m ambidextrous; I can write illegibly with either hand.

 

I can’t go to the store today because I’m still in my PJs. The same ones I wore to the store yesterday

 

Has anyone ever chosen delayed gratification over immediate?

 

I’m may be superficial but I’m not superfluous

 

I’m in good shape. Round is a shape

 

Well that’s a bear we all gotta cross

 

I still can’t figure out how velcro works

 

Quit shuffling and deal

 

Grey Gardens remake

 

exerting himself to a perspirational degree

 

I broke a few of my clay tablets on the first day and may have missed something important

 

Concentrating so hard I think she must have found a way to get Gilligan off the island

 

Last time something like that happened, Noah was building a boat

 

Some things are better said with an eye roll

 

I rolled my eyes so hard I saw my brain

 

Facebook is the only place where it’s acceptable to talk to a wall

 

Don’t stumble over something behind you

 

I’ve seen these guys. There’s no Kirk, there’s no Picard. They barely have a Jordy

 

Fat enough to pull small moons out of orbit

 

I’d trade that for a tic tac

 

A four way stop is an IQ test you take in public

 

Just saying, I would unplug some people’s life support to charge my phone

 

Not the fastest server on the net

 

I’d have his best intersts at heart but he has no heart and I have no interest

 

Makes my eyeballs itch

 

Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver

 

If I didn’t drink how would everyone know how much I love them at 2 in the morning

 

I wasn't lying, I was just writing fiction with my mouth

 

Plan B has stubbornly refused to reveal itself

 

Your expression does not lend itself to your defense

 

You’re driving me to drink. No,really. Get in the car, you’re driving.

 

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once

 

Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear

 

Revenge is beneath me but accidents happen

 

I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem

 

I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen

 

Sometimes my intense dislike of prison food/the color orange is theonly thing keeping me in line

 

I didn’t say it was your fault I said I was blaming you

 

Thank you very little

 

I am more pissed off than a dragon trying to blow out candles

 

My stomach feels like it's taken up macramé

 

A woman can sometimes make a fool out of a man but most guys are the doit yourself type

 

They say alcohol kills slowly. So what? Who’s in a hurry?

 

 

I put my scale in the closet and that’s where she’ll stay until she apologizes

 

He's a recovering alcoholic: recovering from last night

 

Why should I learn to be patient? I want to be patient NOW!

 

My liver just won employee of the month

 

The type of people who use summer as a verb

 

If you’ve never missed a plane, you're spending too much time at theairport

 

Sometimes I take baths because it’s hard to drink wine in the shower

 

I don't need a reason to enjoy a little wine. All I need is a glass

 

If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining

 

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it

 

If procrastination was an Olympic sport, I'd compete in it later

 

I’d say she was approaching forty but I won’t say from what direction

 

I’m not really a social drinker. I’d say most of my drinking iswork related.

 

I do yoga to relieve stress. Actually I drink wine in yoga pants.

 

I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one

 

The best way to deal with fatigue is to sleep it off

 

Never met a cliché he didn’t have a head on collision with

 

All very fascinating in an NPR kind of way

 

Apology accepted. Trust denied.

 

If you stop telling people everything will be sorted out when they’re dead maybe they’ll try to sort things out while they’re still alive.

 

I’m not slurring my speech, I’m talking in cursive

 

Just a whiff of existential despair

 

How Sarah Bernhardt of you

 

Butter – Paula Deen dinner mints

 

I think I’m overdue for an aneurysm

 

The end of an error

 

Not exactly backward about being forward -- karaoke

 

Someone told me I was delusional. I almost fell off my unicorn

 

If a telemarketer calls, give the phone to your three year old and tell her it’s Santa

 

I can’t wait to see his face on a milk carton

 

Suffering from premature disembarkation

 

He could jump into a haystack and get stabbed by the needle

 

Having the kind of day at work where I fear I’m a flight risk

 

She said please as if she wasn't sure if she was pronouncing it correctly

 

I was gonna give her a nasty look but she already had one

 

She gave me a look that made me very grateful she didn't have superpowers

 

He sets an abysmally low standard which he consistently failed to maintain

 

Sorry, I didn’t hear you over the sound of you proving my point

 

I don’t have a bucket list but I have something that rhymes with one

 

I don’t remember much but the fact that i needed sunglasses to open the fridge tells me something

 

After four drinks I’m using **** like a comma

 

She’s now on her “cut your own bangs” glass of wine

 

I got the whole life story and trust me, no one is paying for the movie rights.

 

drink like no one's watching. Or is that dance? whatever

 

You’re a career break for the right therapist.

 

You smell like drama and a headache. Get away from me

 

I'm glad I don't have to hunt for my food, I don't even know where hamburgers live

 

If you mix Taco Bell hot sauce into your ramen, it tastes exactly like poverty

 

Sometimes I write “drink wine” on my to do list just so I feel like I’ve accomplished something

 

This aging thing is really getting old

 

It was surreal. Kinda like when you’re travelling in a different city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 instead of 7:30.

 

I dont meet the height requirement to ride that roller coaster

 

I drink wine for other people's protection

 

I don’t have kids because I’ve seen the village and I don’t want it raising my children

 

It’s not that I’m immature; it’s just that she started it

 

Dinner is poured

 

Trying to understand some people’s behavior is like trying to smell the color nine

 

There’s a nap for that

 

Auto reply – If You Can Read This… then I’m on vacation.

 

I need a 6 month vacation twice a year

 

I pretend to like people all day. That’s called being an adult and why wine is called an adult beverage

 

You can’t drink all day if you don’t start in the morning

 

I have a black dress and I’m not afraid to use it.

 

Cute jacket. It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself

 

I don’t have the blood alcohol level to deal with this right now

 

I’d have better people skills if I was with better people

 

You look like I could use a drink

 

I think my check liver light came on

 

You can’t make someone love you; you can only stalk them and hope forthe best

 

My decision making skills closely resemble those of a squirrel tryingto cross the street

 

I don’t have bad handwriting. I just have my own font

 

Like drinking a glass of hot sand

 

The Grape Depression

 

Mornings are something that happen to other people

 

It has been said that civilization is 24 hours and two meals away from barbarism.

 

I’m ashamed of what I would do to a Klondike Bar right now

 

Pretty sure i can see the inside of my own skull

 

Spilling a full glass of wine is the adult equivalent of letting go ofa balloon

 

Vacation deficit disorder

 

Rolled my eyes hard enough to affect the earth’s rotation

 

It’s important to learn from your mistakes if you want to repeat them perfectly

 

How did it get so late so soon?

 

Fat people are harder to kidnap

 

If heat makes things expand, I don’t have a weight problem, I’m just hot.

 

That girl could find a corner in a round room

 

Satan called, he wants his weather back

 

You know it’s too hot when the chair gets up when you do

 

I wanted to lose 10 pounds before the trip. I only have 13 to go

 

I’m already eating at a Thanksgiving level

 

Mostly what I call cooking is just melting cheese on stuff

 

I once tried to cook something from scratch and ended up summoning ademon

 

Alcohol is the liquid version of photoshop

 

There’s no time like the pleasant – eric idle

 

In alcohol’s defense, I’ve done some pretty stupid things when sobertoo.

 

I’m in the fitness protection program

 

Unlike my cell phones I’m not getting thinner and smarter

 

**** FIT – so happy its Thursday, Friday is tomorrow

 

Moving at the speed of dark

 

It is not MY fault that I never learned to accept responsibility! I blame the scapegoats

 

Horse sense is a good judgment which keeps horses from betting on people

 

Wine flu

 

Looks like something I’d draw with my left hand

 

Don’t be condescending (that’s when you talk down to people)

 

I go online to check my mail and 5 hours later I’m watching a video tutorial of how to talk to a giraffe

I’d fight a radioactive bear

 

I’ve never faked a sarcasm in my life

 

Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies are the reason I have trust issues

 

Sometimes I wrestle with my demons. Sometimes we just snuggle

 

I’d fake my own death to avoid going to a party

 

I drink wine because I don’t like to keep things bottled up

 

You be Thelma, I’ll be Louise

 

The risk I took was calculated but man am I bad at math

 

The heat index was somewhere between OMG and ***

 

“I love humidity,” said no one ever.

 

Stepped on a lego

 

Not to get technical but according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution

 

My patience was fully in the deficit range

 

I know the voices aren’t real but they come up with some really good ideas

 

I’m ready for some blessings that aren’t in disguise

 

Gravity storm

 

I still have tabs open from the Mondale campaign

 

 

 

 

 

D

On the Oosterdam I believe, my husbands bag did not show up in our room and we received a msg on the phone to come to the front desk on embarkation.

My husband had Swiss Army knife in the side pocket on his bag and said they will hold it until our cruise ended and he could come get it.

This was back in 2006 when we did a cruise to South Pacific.

Denise:)

PS he did mention a long line of fellow passengers waiting!

Denise:)

 

Did I miss a memo? I'm a fairly seasoned cruiser and I'm never without my Swiss Army knife. I find it invaluable for all the times I find myself unexpectedly needing to scale a mountain or a fish. :rolleyes:

 

So, have I been breaking the rules all these years?

OMG! I love that letter. It should go viral and might be the best PR HAL has had in a long time.

 

I hope it does. I've already sent a note to Guest Relations telling them how much Titia's note brightened my day. Anyone who can make me laugh is OK in my book!

 

PS - I think I figured out Victoria's Secret. She's hungry.

I may have mentioned some dissatisfaction at finding that the food consumed on board was not calorie-free as suggested by the svelte ladies pictured in the HAL catalogs.

 

Dear Diann,

 

Thank you very much for submitting your Guest Satisfaction Survey regarding your recent Holland America Line sailing aboard the ms Oosterdam. We truly value all feedback from our guests, as it helps us to maintain our Signature of Excellence and continually improve the onboard experience for all of our travelers.

 

We were pleased to note the positive aspects of your cruise, and truly appreciate that you have taken the time to share your thoughts and observations for us. Your kind words on behalf of our staff have been noted and shared, and we are so pleased that our gracious crewmembers once again provided you with a very special vacation experience. As a small token of our appreciation, we have refunded your caloric intake and leave you with a zero-balance.

 

Comments are important to us and because we take your input very seriously, we have made all appropriate senior management aware for their information and benefit. If there is anything additional you want to discuss with us or follow up on, please feel free to contact our Guest Relations team directly; you may reach us by email at guestrelations@hollandamerica.com or by phone at 1-800-599-8256.

 

We want you to know that we greatly appreciate your taking the time to share your comments. We thank you for choosing Holland America Line, and we hope we may welcome you back on board with us in the near future.

 

 

Best regards,

 

Titia Koopman

Guest Relations

It's not my fault the cabin stewards like me best (Mom did too).

 

See? That picture was taken in her kitchen after we got home. Three nights and she has 6 pillow chocolates. Grounds for sororicide, no? Ruth C., back me up here!

 

Boytjie, the wineries we visited were: Day 1 – Kunde Family Winery, where we had a semi-private tasting for our group in the main tasting room. Many of the exterior shots for the movie Bottle Shock were filmed here and since Alan Rickman was my fantasy poster boy before he got too old for me and The Cumberbatch took over, I felt right at home. Apparently, they have the boxing ring up on a hill somewhere. We had a guided tour where we actually went up into the rows of grapes and tasted right from the vine.

 

Next up, Mayo Family Winery. Kinda the antithesis of the first one. Small, boutique winery. With really cool dogs and a catered lunch outside in a beautiful covered area overlooking the vineyard.

 

Anaba. A seated, hosted tasting on the deck.

 

Meadowcroft Wine. A collective of wineries, shops and galleries. Many not opened yet. Not our favorite stop.

 

Day 2. We went to Kunde again, which was no hardship. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once. Fantastic wines and a wonderful experience.

 

St. Anne’s Crossing. A small winery where we had a seated outdoor tasting and catered lunch for our small group.

 

Deerfield Ranch Winery. They didn’t actually have a tasting room. They had a cave. A really large, beautiful, deeply underground cave with tables and chairs, couches and lots of intimate small group seating areas.

 

Ledson Winery. A sprawling 16,000 square foot castle where we had a private tasting for our group and finally found a gift shop where we could afford the fridge magnets.

Warnings: PG-17, seriously long, pre and post cruise references, professional grade liver abuse, a criminal dearth of cheesy goldfish, nary a Somali pirate, silly purses and changing tenses throughout. You’ve been warned.

 

Time and money never seem to coexist. It seems when we have one in abundance, the other is in short supply. And sometimes, all too often for my liking, there’s a critical deficit of both. Or as I like to think of it, if time is money, clearly our time has not yet come.

 

But just as any wine with any cheese is better than no wine and no cheese, a short trip is better than no trip at all and so the Evil Twin and I booked onto a 3-day Pacific Coastal from Vancouver to San Francisco. Normally on a repositioning cruise, we can find a four or five day outing but this time the only four day was booked months back and fearing that it might be a Scientology charter, we decided that the three day was as good as it was going to get. We also planned to tack on three days in California’s Sonoma wine region to detox after coming off the ship’s wine packages. After all, we don't need a reason to enjoy a little wine; all we need is a saucer to lap it from. We packed a few extras just in case.

 

The plan was to get up early, have Sis’ LSH (Long Suffering Hubby) drive us to the Burbank-Glendale-Pasadena-Bob Hope-Gene Autry-Fred Astaire-Brad & Angelina Airport for our 7:00 am flight to Vancouver, hop the ship, cruise to Astoria, enjoy a sea day, get kicked off in San Francisco, make our way to Sonoma for two days at a “rustic” hotel, move to Petaluma for a third night, Forrest Gump our way to Oakland Airport and eventually arrive home, hopefully still ambulatory and unincarcerated.

 

In retrospect, that might have been a bit ambitious. After all, this was a birthday tour, in celebration of different milestones that both end in zero. No need for details; I’ll just say that we’re both approaching 40.* (*Note that I did not say from which direction.) All things considered, we may need to re-examine our lifelong aversion to exercise before again attempting this type of “luggage-intensive” travel. I haven’t tested it but I’m pretty sure my favorite workout at the gym would be judging.

 

We’d booked a Signature Suite and a few weeks prior to sail time, we were hit with the paid upgrade offer letting us know that for the low, low price of $150 each, we could go Neptune and look down our noses at the poor folks having to endure the hardships of the “inferior” suites like the Mercury or Venus that we’d originally been assigned. (Tongue firmly in cheek, as I assume you’ve figured out.)

 

The helpful rep in Seattle asked about location preferences but only having been lucky enough to travel in that kind of planetary style once or twice before, all I could come up with was, “uh, close to the Neptune but not right across from it?” (Just in case it goes supernova or gets demoted like poor Pluto and we end up on the Dolphin Deck.) We’re not exactly the kind of people who use “summer” as a verb so this is a special treat for us.

 

The helpful Upgrade Fairy, who seems a bit more of a capitalist than in the old days, clacked away on her keyboard a bit checking availability (or going for the high score in Candy Crush) and said, “well, I see you haven’t done this before and I wouldn’t necessarily suggest it for a longer cruise in case it’s not your glass of chard but would you like to try an aft wrap?”

 

On our last cruise in May, IRL Joanie invited us to visit her aft wrap cabin but we never got around to it because…. well, wine. But we decided not to be concerned that the HAL rep seemed to want us to be downwind and said yes.

 

Day 1. Travel Day. Xanax – it’s what’s for breakfast. Burbank Airport is 3.5 miles from me and 4.5 miles from Sis. There’s no need for any of that, “get there two hours before your flight nonsense and yet we still always seem to get there with plenty of time to spare.

 

For Burbank, the trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. It’s a small, lazy airport that doesn’t really open until 7:00 am except for the Fedex plane that departs every morning at 6:58 (and then flies directly over my bedroom window, belching exhaust and signaling that I’ve once again overslept.)

 

In fact, the very first sentence written in my little reporter’s notebook for this trip is, “Christy makes me get up too early for Burbank.” In my opinion, if you’ve never missed a plane, you're spending entirely too much time at the airport. This is important because I usually start packing for a trip the night before and if my ride shows up when it’s still dark, I tend to arrive at my destination with three mismatched shoes, one pair of footy pajamas, a feather boa and a jar of mustard. But that’s a different story altogether. Let’s just say, if procrastination was an Olympic sport, I’d compete in it later.

 

We’d paid a small upgrade fee for extra legroom and a “free” drink on the flight and were both lucky enough to have empties next to our adjacent aisle seats. Alaska Airlines might be facing a mid-life crisis or something as our snack pack consisted of oat bran sesame sticks (seriously?) broken banana chips (did I do something to offend?) and dried cranberry clusters (just why?) Thank you very little, Alaska. Seriously, would a partnership with the M&M folks kill you? What’s next? Kale and quinoa trail mix? But they had wine and since we calculated that it was 5:30 pm in Johannesburg, we did what we could to cover the taste of the sticks, chips and clusters that so offended.

 

We survived the first part of the journey and landed in Seattle where we had more wine and bought some Famous Amos for the second leg of the trip. Nutrition is important, after all and we didn’t want to find ourselves in that dire situation again.

 

Vancouver at last! We hadn’t booked a transfer so caught a cab at the airport to Canada Place. (My God, 1,000 words in and she’s finally ready to talk about the cruise!)

 

We were boarding at the same time as the Disney Magic. Every third person in line was under three feet tall and wearing mouse ears. I kept remembering what a tour guide in Paris once told us about the Gypsy children – “kick ‘em, just kick ‘em.” (Sometimes my intense dislike of the color orange is the only thing keeping me in line.)

 

Once on board, we made our way to our much anticipated room in the caboose and were very, very pleased. The balcony was enormous, the room itself was large and well stocked, the, well, everything was pretty freaking fabulous. The day an HH obstructed outside no longer thrills is the day I’ll stop cruising but it’s a treat to see how the 1% lives every once in a while (any wine with any cheese, etc. )

 

We’ve read all the tips and tricks and learned that all staterooms had metal walls and so magnetized hooks would afford extra packing space although we’d never tried it before. Not quite. We’d packed about a dozen novelty purses for the three days and were bummed that none of the walls would hold a magnet. However, the ceiling did. So, we managed to adorn a short wall with a bevy of hanging purses that held up well unless someone veered too close to the wall and brought the whole thing crashing down. Not that that ever happened. But if God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

 

We set about decorating the room which included displaying photos of our loved ones. Actually, The Twin picked up a couple of small picture frames at the 99 cents store and we printed out some headshots of The Cumberbatch – one on her nightstand and one on mine. And of course, a slightly larger one for the desk. I’m quite sure our stews Wenjonly and Thariq thought we were crazy. What type of crazy depends on whether they recognized the guy in the pictures.

 

We unpacked quickly and ran (scratch that – hobbled) to the Crow’s. It was a long way. I kept hearing the Proclaimers singing in my head, “I would walk 500 miles….” Did I mention, this was the O’dam which we hadn’t been on before? We like the smaller, R and S class ships, many of which have recently been sold off. (We put in a bid for the Statendam but we didn’t pass the insurance physical.) Of the Vistas, we’d done the Westerdam and Zuiderdam (pass – not my ships) and the Noordam which we actually quite liked.

 

The O’dam was new for us and so far seemed to be quite acceptable. Except, after giving the pedometers a workout, we arrived at the Crow’s to find a private party underway. Sis and I love private parties but for some inexplicable reason, we hadn’t been invited to this one. Clearly, someone made an egregious error in judgment that they no doubt continue to regret.

 

Reluctantly, we relocated to the Lido for tacos and wine, both of which were desperately needed before heading back to the room (“and I would walk 500 more….”) to muster up for the muster drill. The drill went smoothly but each time I do one, I swear I’ll get there early next time to secure a spot adjacent to a wall. I always forget how freaked out I get when surrounded, shoulder to shoulder, back to chest, with a crowd of folks. Enochlophobia, it’s called. Not to be confused with claustrophobia, which is a fear of closed spaces. I have that now too. Usually when I’m on my way to the Crow’s Nest and I’m afraid it’ll be closed for a private party.

 

After muster, we headed back to the Crow’s (just to be the man who walked a thousand miles to drop down at your door) where my clock purse and The Evil One’s Marilyn Monroe high heeled shoe purse turned some heads. Bong at the bar ensured that wine flowed and a good time was had. By us, at least. And we didn’t even need help getting up onto those Nordic-designed barstools (acrophobia – fear of heights.)

 

After a drink or two, we made our way to the Neptune to check on something. I can’t remember what….because, well, wine. While we were there however, we asked about the wine packages. It was a bit obvious that they weren’t completely ready to handle that but would happily send out for more info but when we made it clear we knew exactly what we wanted, the package happened – three for the MDR and four for the room.

 

This was the first time we’d ever seen wine and champagne up for grabs in the Neptune. We didn’t wish to offend, so we grabbed and settled in to enjoy the refined atmosphere we know we can’t afford to become accustomed to.

 

From there we retreated back to the room to clean up for dinner and as we exited the elevator, saw a couple of crew members we’d never laid eyes on before carrying a full ice bucket who declared, “oh, we’re just bringing your wine!” All I could think was, “how did they know it was us?”

 

Quick note – tonight was the blood moon and we had the best view of anyone on the planet. My camera won’t back me up, treacherous piece of c&%p that it is, but I swear, it was amazing.

 

Dinner in the MDR was prime rib for both of us and Her Evilness was seriously miffed (kinda like a dragon trying to blow out candles) with me when the bevy of waiters delivered a birthday cake and sang. It wasn’t me though. Although, she never actually said it was my fault; she just said she was going to blame me.

 

We had a “not great” table at first blush. Right between a table for four and a waiter’s station towards the back of the room (why does everyone seem to look at us and think, “posterior’s good for you?”) If it was a much longer trip, we might have asked for a change but for three days it was fine. As it turned out, the two couples next to us were a blast, and the waiters, even more so. Not just the ones assigned to us, but all of the waiters in that part of the dining room seemed to enjoy coming over and making fun of our purses and just generally making sure we always had a great time.

 

After dinner, we hit the Piano Bar, hoping that the headliner was somewhere in the B- to B+ range. It seems these days that HAL piano players are either bad enough that you can always find a seat but don’t really want one or so great that you can’t get near the place after the first day. Barry from Boston was terrific and while we didn’t get seats at the Piano, had a lovely place to sit and sing along.

 

Then there was the obligatory stop in the Casino followed by late Happy Hour in the disco. I wanted to stay up for a lot longer but Sis pointed out that I might be ready for bed. “I’m not slurring my speech, I’m just talking in cursive!” Eventually, we retired to the room when our Check Liver lights came on. After all, the best way to deal with fatigue is to sleep it off.

 

Day 2. Astoria. We slept late, rather understandably since it felt like our brains had taken up macramé, and didn’t leave the room until about 11:30 when we made our way to the Lido for a late breakfast/early lunch. We hit the buffet line separately and were shocked to find, when we reconvened at the table, that we’d each chosen, oddly enough, a roll, some cheese and a scoop of potato salad. That twin thing really is strong.

 

The waitress came by and offered wine but we were too embarrassed to accept when everyone around us was rocking coffee and tea. We need to set up some signal whereby the wait staff knows to bring wine but in coffee cups and put down that little carousel of sugars and creamer. Yeah, I’m sure we could pull that off.

 

But we didn’t wait too long. After breakfast we cruised through the Explorations for puzzles and newsprint and settled in for our first of the day at the Crow’s.

 

And now for a couple of mid-cruise observations. Hard to believe we’re mid-cruise when we just got here but that’s the fact.

 

Thing #1 – smoking. Skip this if smoking topics cause you to have blood pressure issues. As a smoker, I can say that HAL ships keep you on your toes. There have been many changes over the years and different ships have different policies so it’s never easy to know what to expect. Generally, in recent years, there’s the SeaView, Casino (when it’s open) and a small area outside the Crow’s. On some ships, the SeaView smoking area is a very small portion of the Starboard side and often so crowded even a smoker’s eyes will water. On shorter trips like this one, the Casino is almost never open. And on the Noordam, and I assume other ships with Spa rooms, there’s no smoking area on the Crow’s deck.

 

On the O’dam, for now at least but I know she’s getting a refit soon, I was very happy to find that the SeaView smoking area was large and welcoming and there was a dedicated, covered area outside the Crow’s with actual tables, chairs and ashtrays so that smokers did not have to feel like the last legally discriminated against class. Now if only they had some video poker machines in the smoking section of the Casino….. Yes, I know, but I still believe the Easter Bunny is real and hope springs eternal.

 

Thing #2 – drink packages. Her Evilness and I drink wine (bet that’s a shocker) and so don’t go in for the Drink of the Day and such. Since we’ve now got some stars behind us, we get really good deals on wine packages and so the new “15 drinks a day package” has not called to us. And now that we’ve been on a few outings that have featured it, we would seriously recommend it be discontinued.

 

We’ve often done two repositioning (4-5 days trips) per year but have also done much longer outings. We’ve read on these boards of how the “short-timers” can be loud, crazy and disruptive and I can understand that to some degree – we’re only here for a few days and we want to pack in the most fun we can have. Still, Sis and I tend to have a lot of fun but we do it quietly. On this trip, we often found ourselves apologizing for other short-timers as if we would all be painted with the same brush.

 

One “gentleman” was bragging about the various ways he’s found to exceed the 15 drink per day maximum and let’s just say it showed. A woman can sometimes make a fool out of a man but a lot guys, like this one, are the do it yourself type.

 

Thing #3 – Cell phones. Do people really need to sit at a bar where there’s an open invitation to be social and speak with other folks and still spend the entire time taking selfies and watching YouTube videos? (Sorry, I suppose I just made it very clear which direction I’m approaching 40 from!)

 

Moving on, we actually had a shore stop today. Astoria! We were late getting in and the captain told us it was because the boat was actually longer than the pier. Not sure if that’s true but it gave us a chance to gear up for our shorex in this cute little town.

 

We booked a tour to Cannon Beach and Seaside that was billed as a shopping tour. We’ve always found that there’s not a lot of shopping time on HAL tours so booking one with the word “shopping” in the title was sure to please. Not so much.

 

The big deal in Cannon Beach was a large off-shore rock called the Haystack. We were given many opportunities to photograph it, but having lived reasonably close to Morro Bay and Morro Rock, which is well more than twice the size, found it less than impressive. We did, however, find a small brewery where we they managed to dig up a bottle of wine that had likely been gathering dust and sediment since the before the Beatles broke up.

 

Most of the shopping opportunities were of the high brow variety and very artsy -- $4,500 cast iron sculptures of Yorkshire Terriers and the like. I just wanted some fridge magnets.

 

Seaside was a bit more accessible and the tour guide told us of a place where you could buy local jams like salmonberry and marionberry (which I assume is named after the DC mayor and made with cocaine) but we couldn’t find it, which is saying something in a town of fewer than 6,500 people. But, well……wine.

 

Back on board, we hit the Crow’s where Bong delivered and all was soon well. We’d also found a flyer outside our door about a shorex that would take us to Sonoma once we landed in SF. Since Sonoma was our destination for this trip, we decided to see if we could turn this excursion into transportation. No real answers so we decided to check back the next day.

 

We made our way back to the hind end of the ship to get ready for dinner where we watched a beautiful sunset and an even more gorgeous moonrise off the balcony with the best views of any on the ship.

 

Tonight’s purses were The Evil One’s infamous fish purse and my newly acquired phone purse. The phone gets extra points because it actually works. Plug your smart phone in and when it rings, grab the purse handle and start talking. Not that I can demonstrate on board, because I can’t afford the roaming charges. Plus, I’m a total Luddite and can barely make my smart phone work on a good day. The last time I asked Siri a question she responded with, “Seriously? It’s been four years and you’re just now gonna talk to me?”

 

Dinner for me was a crab and artichoke brioche and roast duck. No kale or quinoa in sight. Can you say “happy?” The Evil One had a steak and her regularly ordered Caesar Salad. For the first time in a long time, the salad was delivered with the normally anticipated fishy. I was able to remove the offending anchovy without too much fuss but Sis paled so that I think most of the waiters had an Epi-Pen at the ready.

 

After dinner, we did something we rarely do. We actually went to a show. Elliott Finkel was the piano player and the first thing we thought was, “My God, he must be 90.” In fact, he told us, his father, Fyvush Finkel, of Picket Fences fame, is 93 and going strong. The son put on a very enjoyable show and actually rocked a version of “Uptown Funk You Up.”

 

After that, I think we caught one song in the Piano Bar where Barry was calling them in from the hallway but we couldn’t find good seats and so wandered away for late Happy Hour at the disco.

 

Then we remembered that we were in an Enormodam and so there was a BB King’s! We only caught the last song or two but what an amazing venue. We would not be forgetting again. A wonderful way to end the night.

 

Day 3. Sea Day. We were up at the crack of 9:30 and I think my liver just won Employee of the Month. We cleaned up to visit the shorex desk where we learned that (1) the Sonoma excursion could not be used as one-way transportation and (2) that it had been cancelled anyway due to lack of interest. We were directed to the Locations Desk to inquire further.

 

Now normally, Her Evilness is one to plan our trips out to a T. Documents are color-coded, folded, spindled, mutilated, vetted, re-vetted and filed away in triplicate. On a very rare occasion, an occasion like this one, I’ll offer my help with the planning part of things. Typically, she’s much too smart to accept.

 

Somehow, this time, I said I would suss out getting from the pier in SF to downtown Sonoma. Pretty much the extent of my planning involved downloading the Uber app and calling it a day. A day or so before boarding, I learned that Uber was not allowed to pick up from the pier. So we found ourselves completely without means of transportation for this 45 mile drive.

 

The nice lady at the Locations Desk was not able to offer a solution although I do think she admired the problem.

 

Moving on. Much like yesterday, we eventually wandered through the Explorations for puzzles and newsprint and settled in for the first drink of the day at the Crow’s.

 

Today’s daytime purses were The Evil One’s pink flamingo and my chalkboard. We used the chalkboard to pencil in our schedule for the day and so it said things like, “Pinnacle Lunch at 12:30,” followed by, “Casino at 3:00 for Slot Tournament,” and Happy Hour at 4:00 in Crow’s.”

 

Lunch at the Pinnacle was marvelous and we seemed to get the best seats in the house. Not sure if that was because we were in a Neptune Suite or just because they wanted to make it easier to keep us from running out on the bill. Still, we were pleased. Sis had the burger and while I wanted that soooo bad, I’d promised myself I would order something different this time. So, the Mediterranean antipasto plate followed by the penne with grilled chicken breast, lemon basil sauce, sun dried tomatoes and arugula. I’m not sure arugula isn’t just another word for kale but I pushed it to the side of the plate just in case.

 

One thing’s for certain, I won’t be weighing myself any time soon. Before I left home I put my scale in the closet and that’s where she’ll stay until she apologizes.

 

After lunch we found ourselves in the Ocean Bar where we met a couple of absolutely hilarious guys who had us in stitches until it was time to dress for dinner.

 

Our last night on board was terrific – dinner, Happy Hour and BB King’s. But, warning: dates in calendar are closer than they appear and we had to pack. As we did, I once again asked Her Evilness about the cruise myth I’d heard regarding pillow chocolates. In more than 10 years of cruising I’ve yet to see evidence of this old wives’ tale. Still, she denies all knowledge. Once again, her expression does not lend itself to her defense. Revenge is beneath me but accidents happen. Just sayin’, this is chocolate we’re talking about, right?

 

Day 4. Here’s Your Hat, What’s Your Hurry? We’d ordered room service for that fateful morning when we would forcefully removed from the ship and enjoyed bacon and coffee on our beautiful balcony which would soon belong to others who would enjoy it through the canal and all the way to Fort Lauderdale. I hate those people. But that’s a bear we all gotta cross.

 

No, I really don’t hate them. I envy them a bit and I hope they are having a wonderful time. And I hope to find myself in that position again soon – walking into a beautiful room on a HAL ship, ready for adventure and a bit of liver exercising (or exorcising.)

 

We’re booked on the Koningsdam Iceland excursion next summer so I’d better start saving money but you know, well……wine.

 

So that’s the end of the cruise portion of our trip and you can feel free to pop back to whatever you were doing before you got sucked into this long, long story. I’m just gonna commit a few more things to paper (or internet) before they completely slip through the cheesecloth. Stick around if you like.

 

We grabbed our suitcases and exited onto the sidewalk at the pier hoping to find shuttles, tour buses, rickshaws, sherpas or some other forms of public transportation so we could pretend that our complete lack of preparation could be explained as pre-planned spontaneity. Unfortunately, all we found was a very long taxi line and Plan B was stubbornly refusing to reveal itself.

 

When we finally reached the front of the line, the poor cab driver nearly popped his clogs when we told him where we wanted to go. “Do you have any idea what that would cost?!” “Actually, we were hoping you could tell us.” $195 plus tip. Ouch. It was getting harder to pretend this had been the plan all along but since there wasn’t a mule and cart anywhere in sight, it would have to do. (And here the Sis thought I’d actually handle this when I said I would. I wasn’t actually lying, I was just writing fiction with my mouth.)

 

An hour and a half or so later, we were dropped outside the rustic hotel that would be our home for the next few days – The aptly named Sonoma Hotel. Here’s a link to our review of that memorable experience: http://www.yelp.com/user_details?userid=omXl10tTm05iZ5mKE4OdEw

 

Murphy’s Irish Pub became our new local hang and since we couldn’t be in the Crow’s or the MDR, it filled in admirably.

 

One last thing. Grapeline Tours. They do small group tours in the Temecula, Paso Robles and Santa Barbara wine regions. The Evil One was the first customer they had to do all three. She’s been trying to get me on one of their outings for years but since she and the LSH usually go mid-week when it’s a bit cheaper, it never worked out. They just recently added a Sonoma tour and we had eagerly signed up. Sis is now the first person to have done all four of the regions.

 

Our tour guide, Katrina, picked us up a block or two from the Hotel California (ahem, I mean Sonoma Hotel) and our group of six was off for a full day of debauchery. We visited four wineries, with private tastings at each and a full catered lunch at a particularly beautiful outdoor spot.

 

By the end of the day, the six of us (well, seven, because Katrina was a fast friend by now) were hugging each other and saying how much we’d miss each other and all those other ridiculous things you say to people you’ve bonded with over alcohol.

 

As we were getting dropped off, it once again occurred to us that we had no way to get to our next stop the next day. And the rather scary folks at our hotel didn’t seem too approachable. We asked Katrina if Grapeline picked people up as far away as Petaluma. “Sure,” she said. “Hmmm, do you think we could get picked up here tomorrow, do another tour and get dropped off there?” She didn’t see why not and gave us the office number.

 

We called her boss, Robynne, explained our plight and since they had room on the small coach, there was space for our luggage. So the next morning, we checked out of our hotel, hopped back on the coach (Oh Katrina, you’re driving us to drink – no, seriously, get in the coach, you’re driving) and spent another wonderful day touring the Sonoma wine country. They even made sure that three of the four wineries were different from the ones we’d visited the first day. As if that would have been a hardship. Seriously, I can’t recommend these folks enough.

 

So, (dear Lord, she’s finally done!) short trip but what a ride!

I usually don’t read “live” threads until they’ve come to an end for the same reason I don’t watch most TV shows until they’ve taped the finale – I just can’t stand waiting for the next installment. (Why should I learn to be patient? I want to be patient NOW!)

 

So when I saw this thread this morning, I figured it would be safe. At 90+ pages, there’s my Saturday gone. So what if my house isn’t clean, the errands never got done and the cats are hungry? I cruised through the canal today! (And gained 8 pounds doing it.)

 

Thank you to everyone who contributed to making this one of the best trips I never took. :)

Thank you for all the fantastic comments. As I hope you can tell, we had a marvelous time (but then, we always do.)

 

It was especially wonderful to meet so many CCers on this trip but we still have a long list of folks we're looking forward to cruising with. And that includes everyone who commented on this thread -- anyone who still gets our rather warped sense of humor after all this time, is someone we'd love to travel with.

 

Diann

 

PS -- they say alcohol kills slowly. So what? Who's in a hurry?

So, on the note(s) above I will leave you with thoughts to come such as..... A criminal among us being escorted off the ship in her swim suit (NO Not me!! *LOL*) An Abusive Talker, A Druggie, Double plates of Chocolate Dipped Strawberries, just so they did not HAVE to share their precious wine with me....*LOL*

 

Before anyone gets up in arms, those mentioned above know this post is coming and are waiting to chime in with their explanations *LOL*

 

Time to shower

 

Joanie

 

Joanie,

 

OK, I think the Evil Twin and I are Number Four (strawberry gifting, wine hoarding, selfish alcoholics.)

 

I thought Number Two might have been me as my Nighttime Tourettes seemed to be drifting into daylight hours more than usual on this trip but it was all wine related and not at all angry or abusive so I think I'm in the clear for this one.

 

Number Three definitely wasn't us but if you've seen our review, you may agree that we met him as well. Our drugs of choice are wine and xanax which pretty much make us mellow (again, hopefully precluding Number Two.)

 

And as for Number One, the last time Sis or I wore bathing suits, Noah was building a boat. If we had the audacity to show up in public so dressed, that would be a criminal act in itself and while we have no memory of doing so, we have auto alerts set up for YouTube and have yet to receive video proof of wrongdoing. We run on the platform of plausible deniability.

 

Still, I swear we would have shared our wine with you but there wasn't any left!

 

On a rare serious note, it was wonderful meeting you and Roger (and all the other marvelous CCers on this trip) and we'll be telling the chocolate purse story for years to come. We're sorry we missed the Chef's Giant Balls but that's the story of my life. Always a day late and a dollar short!

Warnings: No new information; first world problems; geography issues; liver abuse; minor smoking rant (boo, hiss, smokers!); blood sports (trivia); cheesy goldfish; new friends; the Somali pirates are now apparently all driving cabs in San Diego; novelty purses (some made of chocolate!); drug use (not ours); and naps (definitely ours.)

 

If it were up to me I’d be satisfied with a 6 month vacation twice a year but unfortunately, a youthful vocational indiscretion led me to the nonprofit sector and rendered that option permanently unavailable. Having blown through five weeks of vacation time in the last twelve months, I pretty much started the year with a debilitating (and frankly, distractingly itchy) case of Vacation Deficit Disorder so it looked like the longer itineraries were off the table. After suffering through three months without a holiday, the Evil Twin and I were beyond chuffed to see Pacific Coastal season on the horizon.

 

As luck would have it, my boss and coworkers are unanimous in their desire to see me adequately travelled in the interests of keeping office drama at a minimum. One time when it got particularly bad, they gifted me with a pretty new jacket to keep my mind off of my wanderlust. It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself but eventually I was able to chew through the cute little belt and now HR is happy to look the other way when my neglected passport starts burning a hole in my sanity and threatening an office-closing incident. I have to pretend to like people all day; that’s called being an adult and why wine is called an adult beverage. But sometimes, there are those workdays when I fear I’m a flight risk. When that happens, trust me, throwing me a few extra travel days is in everyone’s best interests.

 

So, with my accumulated vacation days in the single digits, the younger, prettier twin and I booked a four day repositioning trip on the Noordam from San Diego to Vancouver, and vowed to be unspeakably mean to all the folks who had been onboard through the canal and completely snub the ones that would be continuing on to Alaska after we were kicked to the curb in Canada to make our pathetic way home. It’s good to have a plan.

 

Side note – I recently learned (from reading the Internet where everything is completely true) that an alarming number of high school grads in the US believe that Alaska is an island. That’s why we weren’t so unhappy not to be making the whole trip; we’re not really beach people.

 

 

Day 1 – Travel. I still fail to understand why travel days always start at an hour when the only words my addled brain can process are “go back to sleep” and “bacon.” I know you can’t drink all day if you sleep ‘til noon and as I’ve said before, that wine’s not gonna drink itself; but just once I’d like to begin a trip with more than four hours of sleep under my ever-widening belt. Travel days are never easy and frankly, I just don’t have the blood alcohol level to deal with them at hell o’clock in the morning.

 

But, I rallied. Sis and her Long Suffering Hubby picked me up and piloted us to the Van Nuys Train Station so we could begin our journey. This was a girls’ trip and since it was so short, we didn’t pop for travel insurance, admonishing the LSH to avoid any and all types of emergencies that might interfere with our four days away. When it comes to bodily injury, the LSH could jump into a haystack and get stabbed by the needle. “No ladders, unplug all power tools, no metal anywhere near the microwave, stay away from sharp objects, shaving is overrated, spoons good – forks bad.” Or as Sis so succinctly put it, “I have a black dress and I’m not afraid to wear it.”

 

Once at the station, it was time for one of my least favorite parts of any excursion. The weigh-in. Even though it was a short trip, we each packed our largest suitcase because I think between the two of us we were carrying 16 purses for a four night cruise. I’m proud to say I was under the 50 pound weight limit for pretty much the first time ever (obese, rather than morbidly obese) although Her Evilness still managed to come in with a lower number (pleasantly chubby.) That irked me for a minute or two until I remembered I can still eat goldfish off her head. Not that I do, of course; it’s just nice to know that I have the option when a yen for the snack that smiles back hits hard.

 

 

Soon we were happily seated in the First Class section of the train, sipping chardonnay and enjoying the complimentary wifi. I planned to buy an Internet package on the ship to keep on top of things in the office since all four of the cruise days were weekdays and I had no desire to have the work folks decide that my time away was anything other than a good thing. Naturally, that never happened because – well – wine.

 

The first “twin spotting” occurred as we were boarding the ship. “You guys are twins, right?” said the security scanner. “Close enough, but if you hadn’t noticed, I AM taller.” (It’s not that I’m immature; it’s just that she started it.)

 

Once on the ship, we dropped off our carry-ons in the room, met our cabin stews, Matthew and Hawas, and headed to the Ocean for our first drink onboard before heading outside for the Muster Drill where apparently, we passed muster. This one went pretty smoothly but it still seemed strange that the announcements actually sent people back to their staterooms rather than saying, “if this was an actual emergency…” We were shocked to hear this on our last Noordam cruise when a lot of people went to their rooms to wait and the drill took a lot longer than it should have.

 

On the way back to our room after the Muster Drill, a young lady stopped me to comment on my purse which was designed to look like a Ouija Board. She loved it and as luck would have it (ours, not necessarily hers), we’d be meeting up with her later on.

 

Our first stop in the Crow’s introduced us to Inebriation Assistant Edwin who made sure the wine cards were adequately activated and even, dare I say it, motivated to live up to our expectations.

 

After that we wandered into the MDR to make sure that our request for a table for two had been honored. We tend to have better people skills when we’re with better people and we don’t want to take any chances with dinner. We were assigned a very nice table along the atrium where we’d be able to people-watch all the folks downstairs and not have any of our constructive criticisms overheard or avenged. Perfect.

 

After another drink or two in the Ocean, the early morning started to catch up with us so we grabbed a slice of pizza from the Lido and headed back to the room to rest up for dinner. As all the cool kids say these days, somewhat inexplicably, “there’s a nap for that.”

 

I never nap at home because any time I attempt to get horizontal during the day, my cats think that’s their signal to begin CPR.

 

Eventually we dressed for dinner and waiters Widi and Agusti exceeded our already high expectations. I’m always impressed when people can manage that; I generally set an abysmally low standard for myself which I consistently fail to maintain (still, consistency is something.) I didn’t even have to pick the offending fishy out of The Evil Twin’s Caesar salad each night. I’m pretty sure they track preferences and I can imagine what it says when our cards are swiped – “Mostly Harmless. Give them chardonnay and ice water; goldfish over peanuts whenever possible; hold the anchovies; comment on their ridiculous purses; call them twins (they love that); never let their glasses get dry; keep security on speed dial and no one will get hurt (usually.)”

 

Our correctly spelled wine steward, Ricardo, sold us a seven bottle package – three for the MDR and four for the room to complement the two bottles we’d brought on. Only three for the dining room because we planned to go off for dinner in Victoria on Friday which was the only port scheduled. Dinner is poured!

 

I forget what else we had for dinner but I’m sure it was wonderful and after that we set off to suss out the most arbitrary venue on any HAL ship – the Piano Bar. It’s either: (1) A-OK; (2) DOA; or (3) SRO. On this outing, Darren sounded very promising and we were treated to one night of number one and three nights of number three. That night at least, we were lucky enough to get seats at the piano where we chair danced and sang with abandon. You know what they say, “dance like no one’s watching.” Or is that drink? Whatever.

 

There was a gentleman sitting next to me who had clearly started imbibing before Sis and I did, which was really saying something. He got a little touchy-feely, which I put a quick stop to but he was also heckling Darren a bit, loudly proclaiming his request for Bennie and the Jets, over and over again. Darren delivered the best line I heard during the cruise – “Where’d you learn to whisper? A helicopter?”

 

That night, The Evil Twin had her guitar purse and I was rocking one shaped like an accordion. When our Piano Man finally acquiesced and played Bennie and the Jets, our inebriated seat mate jumped up, grabbed Sis’ purse and air-guitared the heck out of the song. I silently implored Darren, using every means of eye-roll communication, not to follow up with “Squeeze Box.”

 

This was only our second time on the Noordam and our fourth on a Vista Class ship, or Enormodams as we call them. While I can navigate the Amsterdam, Rotterdam, Statendam, Maasdam, etc. in my sleep, these ones still confuse me a bit. When leaving the Piano Bar, a bit worse for wear, the Twin assured me she knew this ship “like the back of her hand.” I begged to differ but followed her lead. A mere twenty minutes later, we were back at our room for a well-earned nightcap before bed.

 

Day 2 – At Sea. Before leaving home, we’d checked the Roll Call boards and found a very robust group indeed. I think it hit 20 pages before we sailed. I’ve been on trips much longer with far fewer CCers signed on so this was gonna be fun. IRL Joanie was the first name that really popped out at me as she had helped me out with an undercover secret operation a few years back and I was definitely looking forward to meeting her. We signed up for an informal M&G in the Crow’s on Day Two.

 

Ken (kjw869) and family had also invited us to a sailaway in their PH suite the day before but we were too shy to knock on a stranger’s door. The trial of being introverts. (Never say, “what’s the worst than can happen?” to an introvert. We tend to have very good imaginations.) Still, we were very sorry not to see the Penthouse as the online pics can’t possibly do it justice. We crossed our fingers and hoped there might be a second opportunity.

 

We got to the Crow’s in time for the M&G to find the bar wasn’t actually open and so we’d be meeting new peeps without holding wine glasses, which I consider to be our battle armor. The Twin is better than I am about interacting with people but we’re still both pretty high on the Wallflower Scale so that liquid security blanket was definitely missed.

 

The first folks we met were Joanie and her husband Roger and they couldn’t have done more to put us at ease. We were soon joined by Ken, Sue and their daughter Kristin, who was the lady who had commented on my Ouija Board purse. By this time, I was rocking one that looked like a tuxedo and I think the younger and prettier twin was sporting the much ballyhooed fish.

 

Marcia (DobieMom) soon showed up and to our absolute delight, brought us offerings of goldfish and Pocky Sticks (best friends for-evah!) There were other great people there but I want to be careful about naming folks who might not want to be named. Let’s just say – really fun peeps, all of them.

 

Many of the CC regulars on this trip had cruised together before but we were welcomed and settled in to get to know each other a bit. Joanie mentioned a dessert she’d had on a previous trip called a chocolate purse. As you know, we’re all about purses! It sounded wonderful and she and Roger apparently talked to one of the chef gurus who agreed to make it for our small party. She took names; we signed up; and were looking forward to the next day’s lunch in the dining room.

 

After the M&G, we wandered the shops where we, once again, found absolutely nothing to buy and set off to attend the first trivia event of the cruise. The Cruise Director’s disclaimer would take up pages. Paragraphs and paragraphs about the types of behavior that would not be tolerated. Admonitions about challenging answers and inciting violence when another team steals your answers. Warnings about inappropriate acting out and the like. Let’s just say I don’t have kids because I’ve seen the village and I don’t want it raising my children.

 

Insanely, after scolding the group, he announced that the prize for winning trivia was a HAL pin and that there were two ways to get a pin – (1) win trivia and (2) ask him for one. And still, apparently, people were willing to give up their humanity for a piece of enamel. Trying to understand some people’s behavior is like trying to smell the color nine.

 

Needless to say, we play for ourselves and don’t trade our answer sheet with the other enamel hunters because we just don’t meet the height requirement to ride that particular roller coaster.

 

After the blood sport that is trivia, we took a side trip to the MDR to check out the evening’s menu. We didn’t intend to; Her Evilness was trying to pilot us to the Explorations Café and then tried to convince me, unsuccessfully, that the dining room had been her destination all along. “Back of my hand,” my tush!

 

But, I’ll forgive her this time because as we were waiting for the elevator, we heard our names called in a familiar squeal and soon were being quite enthusiastically hugged by our favorite HAL crewman of all, Adi. We’ve run into Adi on our last four cruises despite the fact that we were only on the same ship for three of them. The other time we just bumped into him in Anchorage despite the fact that we’d been dropped there by a different ship. It was starting to get a bit surreal. Kinda like when you’re travelling in a different city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 instead of 7:30.

 

Eventually, we found the library and obtained the daily newspaper so we could catch up on the outside world and squint at the crossword puzzles that now seem to be printed in a negative font size. This aging thing is really getting old.

 

Soon it was time for wine tasting and we hurried back to the dining room where Cellarmaster Csaba walked us through six priced-to-own selections. How big does our bar bill have to get before they’ll let us teach the course? I mean, sometimes we write, “Drink Wine” on our To Do lists just so we’ll have something to cross off each day. I think our teaching credentials must have gotten lost in the mail.

 

Another reason wine tasting is fun is that it gives me the opportunity to try foods I wouldn’t ordinarily have access to on land. At home, I’m not all that adventurous but I have learned that if you mix Taco Bell hot sauce into your ramen, it tastes exactly like poverty. Today’s fare was on the simpler side – various cheeses and fruits I’d met before but that still had the Twin digging into her Tardis purse for an Oreo.

 

At that point, it was time for some R & R and so we headed back to the room for a little break. “Dear Naps, I’m sorry I was so mean to you in kindergarten.”

 

We actually slept through Happy Hour in the Crow’s Nest, which is something I admit to very reluctantly; it was never our intention to fall down on the job, except in the most literal sense, but – well, – wine.

 

Once back among the living, we dressed for dinner and had yet another meal I can’t really say I remember, probably because everything was perfect and there was nothing bad to commit to memory. Then I hit the casino to exercise my other vice – yes, I majored in drinking and minored in smoking (boo, hiss – smokers!)

 

*** If you are smoking intolerant, please skip the next several paragraphs as I have no desire to don an asbestos suit to survive a flame war. ***

 

“Hello. My name is Diann and I am a Smokaholic.” (Chorus: Hello, Diann!) In my defense, and yes, today every smoker needs a defense, I try to be considerate and would much prefer to smoke out of doors, away from anyone who might be offended. When I started cruising with HAL, there were MANY smoking areas on the ship and I’ve watched them dwindle without a pang. I don’t mind having to walk a little farther to indulge my vice. I’m in favor of more non-smoking areas and of any program that discourages the next generation from lighting up.

 

In recent years, on HAL, I could smoke in four places: my balcony (if I have one); the SeaView at the back of the ship; outside the Crow’s at the front of the ship; and the Casino, midship and indoors (when it’s open.)

 

Day one of this trip, I went outside the Crow’s and saw there were no ashtrays set up. People had clearly been smoking as there were cigarette butts ground right onto the deck, something I would never do. I hoped it was because we were taking on fuel and the ashtrays would reappear as this was one of only three public smoking areas.

 

The next few days were very rocky and the outdoor decks were closed so I didn’t get to see for sure if the Crow’s outside space, at least on the Noordam, is now permanently non-smoking, but on our final day, when they were open again, there were still no ashtrays out there, I suspect due to the spa cabins on the Observation Deck . So that brings us down to two public smoking areas. I’m also not sure if the SeaView was one of the outdoor spaces that was closed off during those days but if it was, and one did not have a balcony, there was now only one place for smokers – the casino. Indoors and the one most likely to offend others.

 

Since the casino closed at 4:00 on Friday, many hours before we’d be docking the next morning, peeps without balcony access were now completely persona non grata.

 

I’m not expecting sympathy, but all I’m saying is that for those who are so vehement about balcony smoking, ya gotta give us something. Maybe the mods would allow a new thread, dedicated to creative and collaborative discussion aimed at finding a solution we can all live with – not one group trying to throw the other overboard. OK – END RANT.

 

Back to the ramble. While I was in the casino, doing my thing and losing money at video poker, Her Evilness wandered into the Piano Bar just as Darren was playing Candle in the Wind. She happened to be wearing her high-heeled-shoe purse with the picture of Marilyn Monroe on it. The crowd was impressed.

 

Darren’s show was, unfortunately, standing room only, so we made our way to the Northern Lights where happy hour happened before we stumbled off to bed. I don’t know about you but sometimes after a certain number of drinks, I start using curse words like commas and I realize that it’s time to shut it down before I hit the “cut your own bangs” glass of wine. After all, for once, we’d like to avoid YouTube while on vacation. On an interesting note, according to the Twin, my Nighttime Tourette’s wasn’t as pronounced on this outing. Maybe I was getting it out of system before bedtime.

 

Day 3 – At Sea. We ordered room service the night before because, in a last moment blinding flash of the obvious, we realized that there was no way we’d make breakfast on the Lido. I don’t remember everything but the fact that I needed sunglasses to open the fridge tells me something. In any case, a perky crew dude knocked on the door with coffee, bacon and juice and we were soon back on our feet.

 

It was a slow morning and we didn’t need to be anywhere until noon so we lingered in the room a bit, wandered to the Explorations for news and crosswords, perused the shops that seem to be there purely to employ somewhat overly caffeinated salespeople and just generally tried to kill time before meeting up with the CC group for lunch.

 

At about 11:45 it hit us both that we would have to interact with other people and we weren’t sure of the protocol for ordering wine at a group table. It was too late to do much about that so we ran quickly to the SeaView where I grabbed a cigarette and we choked down the fastest glass of chard we’d chugged on the trip.

 

Again, we needn’t have worried. We had two tables, away from the crowd, and the company could not have been better. The chef was true to his word and made us the special dessert – chocolate purses. We packed quite a few special purses for the trip but this one was the best.

 

The Captain’s 1:00 announcement told us that the rough waters might mean we wouldn’t be seeing Victoria. Considering how dodgy the seas had been, that wasn’t really a surprise for anyone. Now we’d be one bottle short for the dining room but we’d muddle through.

 

After lunch, Kristin took us back to her digs for a tour of the Penthouse. No comment. If you’ve seen one, I can’t add to that and if you haven’t, I can’t possibly describe it. Note to self – if reincarnation turns out to be true, go into something other than nonprofit.

 

I’m not sure we got a proper nap that day but we at least took time to rest up for happy hour in the Crow’s Nest. We were at our preferred seats at the bar when a young guy we’d seen the day before sat down, and started chatting. At first it seemed fine. He told of us his life as a junior golf pro, his carefree, beachcombing ways and then gleefully, and repeatedly, detailed his time in federal prison for marijuana distribution on a Breaking Bad scale, of which he seemed exceptionally proud. We got the whole life story and trust me, no one is paying for the movie rights.

 

He got weirder and weirder and eventually admitted that a fellow cruiser had provided him with something akin to a marijuana laced tootsie roll. I remember my own high school days and I’m quite sure there was much more than marijuana at play here. This guy was blazing big time. The couple on the other side of him, to whom he’d been speaking before turning his attentions to us, kept flashing us looks of sympathy for our plight and gratitude for the fact that he seemed to take a shine to us and they had temporarily dropped off his radar. His stories got stranger and stranger as time went on; this dude was a career break for the right therapist.

 

Sis was showing her cool side but eventually, I couldn’t take any more and we hightailed it out of there before I could say something she’d be sorry for. I don’t have a bucket list but I have something that rhymes with one and this guy smelled like drama and a headache.

 

After dinner, we went to our only show of the cruise, Jeff Peterson, who was a magician who worked with his cute little dog. Marcia had recommended him and dropped by our seats before the show to say hi (best friends for-evah!) We thoroughly enjoyed the show, even though the poor little dog seemed a bit freaked out by the rough seas.

 

After the show, there was casino (boo, hiss – smokers!) and late Happy Hour at the Northern Lights. And then it was time for bed.

 

Day 4 – (Mostly) At Sea. Breakfast never happened on this trip, unless we ordered it to the room but that’s OK as we were both taking advantage of the sleeping in option. After a fairly late start, we gathered newspapers, crossword puzzles and wandered around until it was time for lunch in the Pinnacle.

 

We always feel a bit under-dressed, a tad out-classed and a jot too loud in this beautiful venue but our wonderful waiter, who seemed to be a cross between John Cleese and PeeWee Herman, put us at ease.

 

I ordered the hamburger and when asked to order an appetizer, politely declined. “Please?” he said in such a way that I thought he really would be personally affronted if I refused. “OK, fine. The onion soup.” “Dessert?” “No, I can’t possibly.” “Please?” “OMG, OK, the chocolate cake.” I knew I’d never walk again.

 

Her Evilness, however, is stronger than me. Plus, there was literally nothing on the menu, other than the hamburger, that she would be able to eat. I’m glad she doesn’t have to hunt for her food. She doesn’t even know where hamburgers live.

 

After a marvelous lunch, we needed to work off the calories with some vigorous exercise so we headed for happy hour at the Crow’s. At one point, we’re sitting at the bar and Sis holds up her hand, its back to me and says, “Does that look weird to you?” “I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you over the sound of you proving my point.” She gave me a look that made me very, very happy she doesn’t have superpowers.

 

By this time, the Captain said we would be making Victoria after all but getting in really late. We decided to stay on the ship and enjoy another dinner with Widi, Agusti and Ricardo. Sis insisted we had an excess of wine in the room and should just deliver one to the MDR. I was sure the room stash would be consumed without issue and insisted that we just purchase an additional bottle on our last night. As it happened, we had no full bottles to lug off with us and hopefully, Hawas or Matthew managed a swig or two of what we left in the fridge.

 

But until then, trivia. We sat at the farthest place away from our reserved bar seats because we were still thinking of doing a last minute wifi deal. Not the Captain’s Corner, the other side – maybe the Purser’s Palace? – I’m not sure what’s it’s called but it’s a wifi hotspot. In any case, we didn’t manage to figure out the wifi package but we were there when song trivia broke out. The Twin totally embarrassed me when she wrote down that Georgia was performed by Stevie Wonder. I’m accepting applications for a new travel partner. Must be able to handle loud punctuations of profanity in the middle of the night. (Marcia? Call me!)

 

While there, we overheard, believe me we couldn’t help it, a woman on the house phone with the dining room trying to get a reservation for six at 5:15 that evening. We could only hear one end of the conversation but from what it sounded like, the dining room didn’t open until 5:30. She was a bear. A radioactive bear. A radioactive bear who had stepped on a lego and was suffering from a nuclear-level toothache. She yelled, she threatened, she was going to speak with the captain. The only time the word “please” was pulled from her lips it sounded like she wasn’t sure she was pronouncing it correctly. I was gonna give her a nasty look but she already had one. I’m not sure how long she’d been on the ship but even if it was only four days, like us, how can you possibly still be in such a bad mood?

 

In any case, they were throwing us off the next day so we went down to the Front Desk to send a few gifts to folks we’d met. A chocolate strawberry or two doesn’t come close to expressing our feelings toward our new friends but we’d consumed all the wine so we were left with few options.

 

I believe we managed another nap before halfheartedly packing and dressing for dinner where we thanked our dining room servers and got a special treat when Adi came by our table to wish us happy travels. Somehow, I’m sure we’ll see him again soon.

 

We went to sleep feeling pretty sure we were coming down with serious cases of premature disembarkation. But, I’m sure there’s an app for that; I’ll look it up once we have wifi again.

Thanks everyone for the nice comments. As always, these are more diary entries than anything else so that we don’t lose all memory of an entire vacation in a “Harold & Maude moment.” As it is, we’ve taken to carrying around a small reporter’s notebook so that we can jot down the highlights throughout the trip. On this last outing, on our around Day 8, I lost my pen and was reduced to using one of the ones that they put in the room. From that point on, I couldn’t spell.

 

I kid you not; I literally could not correctly spell four words in a row when using a ballpoint. Deciphering the notes got much more challenging after that! I can only imagine that there was a lot of hilarity that has forever been lost to garbled notes (it’s not bad handwriting; I just have my own font.)

 

It was hard to return home to find that The Cumberbatch had tied the knot. But you know what they say, you can’t make someone love you; you can only stalk them and hope for the best.

 

 

For anyone who cares, here’s a pic of the wall of fun purses. We never really get to wear them at home so cruises give us a chance to take them for a spin.

 

 

I’m afraid you won’t be getting a picture of the OPs however. We took a few thinking we’d post them but since alcohol is the liquid version of photoshop, and the alcohol has worn off, they’re better left unseen.

 

Viper79 asked for a movie version of our exploits which brought up the question of who would play us on the big screen. No contest.

 

 

Vickersbase – I think the policy is for wine only. I’m pretty sure hard liquor can’t be brought on at all but others here may know more about that. We’re pretty much wineaux so aren’t up on the rules for other spiritual uplifters.

 

Now that the Evil One is also a 4-star Mariner, I hope we'll be looking at a coastal this spring. I plan on holding all my laundry until then.