A Tale of Two Virgins

This is a diary accompanying the review of the same title which can be found at -

http://www.cruisecritic.com/memberreviews/memberreview.cfm?EntryID=102678

It may be of interest to potential Cunard travellers.

Then again, it may not...

 

Mediterranean Delights with Cunard (Queen Victoria); 21 April 2012 - 05 May 2012

 

This will be our first cruise with Cunard. Actually, it’ll be a first cruise anywhere for JacqTar. The itinerary is as follows:

Southampton - Gibraltar - Alghero (Sardinia) - Civitavecchia (for Rome) - Livorno (for Pisa/Florence) - Monte Carlo - Barcelona - Lisbon - Southampton.

 

Lisbon is in the Mediterranean? My geography teacher would be turning in his grave…

 

If all goes to plan (and I’ve been on enough cruises to know that it doesn’t), we’ll be in Florence for JacqTar’s birthday. She’ll be………….rather upset if I reveal her age!

 

The cost of driving to and from, and two weeks car parking in, Southampton will see little, if any, change from £200. I’ve had weekend breaks in the beautiful Channel Islands, including flights and hotels, for less!

 

I call Cunard to check our booking. Whilst waiting my turn I learn that we’re not going on a ship but a ‘liner’, we’re not going on a cruise but a ‘voyage’, and we shan’t be accommodated in a cabin but a ‘stateroom’. Ah, at last - ‘tis my turn to converse with a factotum of the fraternity. I inquire if a chronicle of our appellations is recorded within their codex.

"Verily, Sire, 'tis so inscribed."

The chronicle is curiously octo-thematic - we’re on deck 8 with a dinner reservation for 8.30 on a table of 8. I check the deck plans on the Cunard website - if we were any further forward we’d be sleeping on the bridge.

 

There are four formal nights out of fourteen. The first of these will be a Black & White Ball - the answer to the question, “What do Cunard passengers and zebras have in common?”

 

Saturday 21/04/2012

 

I ask the driver from the cruise parking company for the best complaints he’s heard from cruise passengers.

“Well, one did complain that there wasn’t enough food.”

There’s always one, although, after reading critiques of the most inane variety on various websites, the cruising fraternity seems to have not just one, but dozens.

 

“Is it my imagination or is everyone older than us?” asks JacqTar in the terminal building. It does look as if we’ve booked a cruise with Club 80-130. We are ushered through security where my crotch receives the elbow frisk. I try and imagine the training...

“Gentleman, we now come to the practical element of the course. This section is entitled, “Grappling with Gonads”. Do we have any volunteers?

….. Well, Gaylord that was most thorough, but in future it will suffice to use elbows rather than hands, taking twenty seconds rather than twenty minutes will allow for quicker processing, and trousers should be left on. Yes, yours too.”

 

Nelson, our cabin steward introduces himself and tells us that the lifeboat drill is at 4 o’clock. One case has already arrived and the other two soon follow. There’s a small bottle of bubbly in an ice bucket next to which is a card informing us of our second-sitting reservation for dinner at table 313 in the Britannia Restaurant. The literature includes a copy of the Daily Programme, and Britain Today which is a news digest. The inside cabin (with TV, mini-bar and safe) is of adequate size with sufficient storage space, and the bathroom has some fine Gilchrist & Soames toiletries.

 

We check out the Lido buffet restaurant where JacqTar is quick to get the hang of the cruising lifestyle. She orders a minute steak but at the moment I'm content with aniseed rolls and a couple of baguette slices - the bread on cruise ships is always delicious. With its huge windows and comfortable chairs and benches, the Lido looks like it’ll be a fine place to eat.

“What are the rules about reading your notes?” JacqTar asks as I write diary entries.

“You can read them if you want - and if you can read my shorthand scribbles.”

She confesses she already did so, when I went to fetch myself a mugga!

 

Our muster station is in the theatre and the safety drill is conducted quickly and efficiently. It’s sunny if a little cool for the sailaway which we watch from the Lido Deck. Bye-bye, grey UK.

 

We explore our home for the next two weeks. The triple-deck Grand Lobby with its sweeping staircases, sculpted balconies and central, signature artwork is particularly beautiful, but smaller spaces such as the Chart Room are also of an impressive and stylish design. As for the celebrated library…. superlatives fail to do it justice. Further exploration shows that the elegant mix of classic and contemporary design is in stark contrast to a rather anodyne exterior.

 

We find a launderette half way along our deck - it has two washers, two driers, laundry powder sachets, an iron and ironing board, clothes baskets and a wash basin. The convenience of this cannot be over-estimated.

 

The Tour Booking Form has the port times and they are better than those given to me previously with more time in Rome, Florence and Monte Carlo. At the Purser’s Desk, I cancel the gratuitous Auto Gratuity Charge - we’ll tip what we want and to whom we want.

 

No matter the dress code, a jacket is required for dinner in the Britannia Restaurant. How tedious. I wonder if the same stricture applies to potatoes. Tonight’s dress code is Elegant Casual. No jeans? No way. My black Wranglers pass muster. Our fellow diners (our age or older) are already seated. I note down everyone’s name, although, as we soon agree to swap seats for subsequent meals (so everybody gets to know each other) it'll be a challenge when I refer to my names sheet.

 

Our waiter introduces himself - Jhigs from the Philippines. He presents us with menus comprising Royal Spa Selections, Appetizers and Soups, Salads, Entrées and Desserts. From the first group I select Apricot Clafoutis because that’s traditionally a dessert so I’m interested to see how it’s served as a starter. Jhigs has obviously dealt with idiots like me before. He explains that the Royal Spa Selections are alternative recommendations for the starter, main and dessert - not a selection of pre-starters. Ah, it’s the ship’s version of a Specials board.

 

Bottles of wine are chosen from Oleg, the sommelier, even though a bottle isn’t much cheaper than buying by the glass (assuming 6 glasses to the bottle). JacqTar asks for a bottle of Zinfandel at $36 plus 15% service charge of $5.40. Service charge? It seems that piracy isn’t confined to the Horn of Africa.

 

My dining companion lives in Southampton which is rather convenient for a cruise lover. He chats about his local football team, a previous cruise with Royal Caribbean, and cheesecake (his preference is for a biscuit base whilst I prefer baked). Menus are brought out again for us to make dessert selections and we meet Beatrix, our assistant waitress, who serves us tea and coffee. After dessert, petit-fours of chocolate brownies are served. Why? Who can possibly have room for anything more?

 

It’s a healthy walk from the restaurant aft to the theatre forward. At the Welcome Aboard Show, the cruise director informs us that there are 438 single women on the cruise and 4 single men - 2 of whom are in hospital! We end our enjoyable, first evening aboard at the Ballroom and Latin Dancing in the Queens Room. The lack of an apostrophe means we can’t tell if it’s named for royalty or gay divas.

 

Sunday 22/04/2012

 

Today’s social activities include a Solo Travellers’ Welcome Party at 11.00, Friends of Bill W at 11.15, Young Adults Get Together at 1.00pm (from what we’ve seen there won’t be many in there) and Friends of Dorothy, LGBT at 5.00pm. Who are Bill and Dorothy? What does LGBT stand for? Are Bill and Dorothy friends with each other?

 

The port talk on Civitavecchia is an enthusiastic but rather stuttering, repetitive presentation. One of the offerings is a trip into Rome on a luxury train for $81. We’ll take our chances travelling independently on a regular train. Following the talk is a Masonic Gathering at 2.30 in the…... but shouldn’t that be a secret?

 

At the Digital Camera Seminar I’m distracted by the profusion of annoying Americanisms in the presentation - as if, like, the on-board currency of the dollar, wasn’t, like, totally, enough to, like, actually, emphasise the point, that Cunard actually, is, like, totally, an American line. I do at least learn that a 2GB card can only be used with cameras rated at 6MP or above.

 

Only women have signed up for today’s Pilates session, so whilst JacqTar and her friends work out on the floor, I try out the extensive range of gym equipment. Most of the machines face astern giving fine views out to sea. Other machines face inwards, giving rather less excellent rear views. I’m slightly cross-eyed by the end of the session and have to be helped out.

 

We listen to the excellent harpist playing in the Chart Room. At the end of her stint, she packs away the harp into a giant mitten. JacqTar goes to wash her hair. It’s half past six and two hours before dinner. Will I survive? Just to be sure I go up to the Lido for some cheese and crackers, smoked mackerel, waldorf salad, side salad and some pineapple followed by upside-down cherry cake and (right-way up) coffee.

 

According to the Navigation and Weather Channel 48 we’re about two thirds of the way across the Bay of Biscay. The forecast for tomorrow Sunday April 22, 2012 is Sunny - Light Clouds. Of course they’re light - that’s how they stay up there.

 

I chat to Nelson. He’s worked on cruise ships for 13 years, including the QE 2, and has annual 9-month rolling contracts. He looks after 16 cabins and is on duty between 7am and 9.30pm. I ask that he not bother turn down the beds at night - just leave the chocolates.

 

Tonight’s Dress Requirement is Semi Formal Dress. I don’t have a dress and JacqTar won’t let me wear any of her’s (anymore). There is a pre-dinner Wipeout quiz in the Golden Lion at 8.00pm where we can gamble all points gained from the first 12 questions on one final question. We’re in the lead with 900 points before the bonus question where I’m more sure that Uranus was the last planet to be discovered in the 19th century than JacqTar is about Neptune. Consequently, we’re wiped out! Will she forgive and forget? Well, she’s a woman - so I guess I’m doomed.

 

My dining companion for this evening, from London, did his national service in Gibraltar over 60 years ago and this will be his first visit since then. JacqTar’s potato is more mush than mash and isn’t good at all. She thinks her dessert of rhubarb pie must be sweetened with Cuprinol. I think she means Sorbitol, despite the glossy finish.

 

So far, despite being in the most exposed cabin on board (about as high up and as far forward as it’s possible to be), it’s been a smooth and comfortable sail.

 

Monday 23/04/2012

 

We’re a little late for the ballroom lesson - it seemed perverse to rush to the Slow Waltz Dance Class. After an enjoyable lesson we cool down with three broken circuits of what passes for a “promenade” deck where a plaque tells us that to-ing, fro-ing and to-ing “…is equal to just under 1 mile”. It’s not a true promenade deck because the forward section is restricted to crew only. For shame!

 

The afternoon tea ivory-tickler, (he’s rather more hirsute in the photo in the programme notes than he is now) is looking daggers at me as I take photos from the balcony during his Debussy. I’m told he doesn’t want to be videoed. Pompous twerp!

 

A failed expedition to find a forward viewing point brings us up to the top deck where our Sotonian dinner friends are playing shuffleboard. We watch, learn, play and are hooked. It’s fun.

 

Tonight’s dress code is Formal and even though the code isn’t enforced in the Lido restaurant, plenty of diners are tux-ed out even there, but I imagine they’ll be at the Black and White Ball later. Our theme is more black and grey with JacqTar looking very fetching in her print dress whereas I have a black suit, shirt and tie, grey hair, and black and grey bowtie.

 

JacqTar’s new bottle of wine - a Château Bonnet Entre-Deux-Mers 2008 ($41.40) - is too sophisticated for me. I prefer wine to have hints of grape-iness rather than grass-iness and simple flavours of fruit rather than complex flavours of tobacco. The highlight of dinner is a demonstration in the art of lemon-squeezing where segments are expertly speared, squeezed and delicately drizzled onto fish using a fork and spoon.

 

There’s lots going on tonight - a Jazz Night in the Chart Room, karaoke in Hemispheres, the harpist in the Midships Lounge, the pianist in the commodore Club, the Black and White Ball in the Queens Room... We go and watch the comedian in the theatre and chortle all the way through at silly lines such as, “I used to be in an orchestra on a cruise ship in Bermuda - the triangle player disappeared.” After the show we go to the ball where I just about manage a waltz without tripping anyone, including myself.

 

The Daily Programme for tomorrow has an interesting profile of the ship’s Faroese master, Captain Inger Klein Olsen. I don’t suppose it would be appropriate to refer to her as the ship’s mistress. As we’re in an inside cabin, JacqTar suggests we leave the TV on Channel 47. That way we’ll know when it’s light outside…

 

Tuesday 24/04/2012

 

…. and what an excellent idea it proves to be.

 

It’s a breezy, beautiful, sunny, clear day as we join the masses out on deck enjoying the sail in to Gibraltar with views across to Africa and the Rif Mountains. We dock on time, at noon, and an announcement tells us that we’re “…now alongside - please don’t bring anything ashore from strangers.” So if a friend asks us to carry drugs that’ll be ok? All aboard time is half past five. We’re off the ship at half past twelve and pick up a map from Tourist Information (we’d like to visit the Trafalgar cemetery) to add to the excellent and comprehensive port guide (containing historical information, tourist information and map) that the ship provides.

 

At the far end of Main Street is a plaque stating “Near here lie the remains of some of those who died from injuries at Trafalgar.” At the gates to the small, well-tended, cemetery is another plaque explaining that those killed in the battle were buried at sea but some who died later from their wounds are buried here. We find the graves of two such victims - Captain Thomas Norman and Lieutenant William Forster. There is also a single grave “To the Memory of Lieutenants Thomas Worth and John Buckland of the Royal Marine Artillery, who were Killed by the same Shot on the 23rd November 1810 while directing the Howitzer Boats in an attack on the Enemy’s Flotilla in Cadiz Bay.” I give some coins to the accordion player just outside the cemetery - his music adds to the atmosphere.

 

The rest of our limited time ashore is spent at Europa Point (the number 2 bus is a free service), and the Pillars of Hercules monument and the Upper Rock Nature Reserve, before returning to town via the Alameda Botanic Gardens. Oops! We’ve misjudged the time. There’s no way we can make it back, even if we run. We hurry through to the Casemates Gates and luckily find a taxi waiting. We’re the last passengers back on board. It could have been a very short cruise.

 

The sailaway party is in full swing. A few passengers are dancing to Nexus, but most, like us, watchas we move away (“using the ship’s azipods and bow thrusters” according to the Daily Programme) and the Rock recedes slowly into the distance. JacqTar seems very happy after experiencing her first cruise port of call. Rainbows are forming fleetingly in the spray astern and I try and capture them on camera.

 

I choose the Pan-Seared Haddock at dinner because I want another lesson in the art of lemon-drizzling. Hmmm…. It says “Wedgwood - England” rather than “Wedgewood - Made in England” on the underside of the crockery.

 

Up in Hemisphere’s there’s an 80’s night - although most of the revellers look a little younger. Nexus are playing a lot of reggae. When it starts to get a little tiresome we go for a late-night snack in the Lido where I find Rich Tea biscuits but no chef’s creations. We take a couple of cups of cranberry juice back with us as we wake up very thirsty. It must be that curse of the modern world - air-conditioning.

 

Wednesday 25/04/2012

 

JacqTar has a lie-in whilst I go to the theatre where, “…James your Cunard Port Presenter advises how you can maximize your time during our call to the stunning Monte Carlo.” Sadly no one has advised James how to pronounce French place names such as the Monegasque quarter of Fontvielle. Quel pisspronounciation! He tells us that the Prince’s Palace was captured by a member of the Genoese Grimaldi family in the 12th century - in 1297. Quel miscalculation!

“Prince Albert is reckoned to be worth $200,000!” he continues. Quel impoverisation!

 

The Pastry Demonstration in the ballroom is packed with onlookers. I watch from the balcony as the chefs create a cappuccino cup and mould a tuile spoon, and fill and decorate a brandy basket with berries, whilst also preparing a wedding cake - a fruited sponge topped with jam, covered with marzipan and then decorated. The Grand Marnier basket is completed by being topped with a moulded chocolate spring. Amazing stuff!

 

The lecture programme looks a bit thin for the cruise. I pop into the sparsely-filled theatre to hear gripping phrases such as:

“We was talking it over…”

“This man come up to me…”

“…didn’t have mobiles in the 80s, sort of thing.”

It seems to be the tale, complete with slides, of a man rolling a log, cutting a log and lifting a log. Fortunately, the lecture improves as we learn more from the talented “Sculptor and Woodcarver to the British Royal Household, Ian Brennan” who received a commission to restore an entry point on HMS Victory, and has now been asked to carve the replacement Victory figurehead.

 

The Rumba Dance Class proves to be very basic - it seems to be a glacial version of the cha-cha. We learn to start forward on 2, the New Yorker and a turn. If that’s all there is to it I should be ok.

 

Tomorrow is the first of five consecutive port days so now would be a good time to do some laundry. There’s an elderly lady already in the launderette on our deck and only one of the two washing machines is working. No matter, there’s another such room along the opposite corridor - where we find the same lady sitting in the same launderette!

 

The white-glove service afternoon tea is being served in the ballroom. The creation of this bedrock of civilization is attributed to Anna Maria, the seventh Duchess of Bedford, in 1840. That doesn’t sound right. Surely it was around 1600? The harpist plays Boccherini’s famous minuet whilst we are served a variety of finger sandwiches, and warm scones with strawberry jam, and cream which sadly isn’t clotted.

 

Honours are shared after three sets of shuffleboard after which we relaxby the Pavilion Pool where there’s a lost and lonely migrating yellowhammer. A nearby couple are trying to coax it to eat some crumbs but it isn’t interested. Hopefully it’ll survive until we reach Sardinia tomorrow. I ask one of the crew why he’s taking samples of water from the pool. He’s testing the temperature and chlorine levels.

 

Tonight is the Big Band Masquerade Ball. Out Sotonian friends are wearing masks - but we still recognise them. JacqTar tells me to put my eyebrows down when we dance - I tend to raise them when things don’t work properly.

 

It’s a little different at Hemisphere’s tonight - reggae hits of the 70s instead of reggae hits of the 80s. We don’t stay long. It’s time for our midnight snack. There’s no sign of the yellowhammer as we cross the deck. We just have a cup of tea and a little fruit and I scribble away as usual.

 

Thursday 26/04/2012

 

It’s a warm, clear day as a ship’s tender brings us to the Catalan town of Alghero on the north west coast of Sardinia. We’d like to take a trip to Neptune’s Grotto but the morning boat trips have all left. The afternoon trips leave at three o’clock and return at half past five - the same time as the last tender leaves. We take the land route to the grotto instead, courtesy of the red Alghero Panoramic Tour bus, and €18 each. The hour’s ride to the headland of Capo Caccia passes strange bare trees, nuraghi (stone edifices of an early civilisation), lush vegetation and wild flowers, and paths cut through pine and eucalyptus trees. Surprisingly, we’re the only ones getting off the bus. Perhaps nobody else fancies the 600 steps of the Goat's Stairway cut into the cliff face down to the grotto - or more likely, having to climb back up. Disappointingly, only a small part of the cave system can be seen during the 40-minute tour. Our guide walks to work every day and thanks to tramping up and down the steps his weight is down from 111kg when he started, to 82kg now.

 

Back in Alghero there’s time to look around the old town, meandering through the streets and from tower to tower around the tiny peninsula and on to the walls, until we have to head back. A “Tender Seating Plan” is posted up. Perhaps Cunard is a favoured cruise line for haemorrhoid sufferers. We pull away from the dock and as we motor towards the ship, a returning boat from the grotto hoves into view - so we definitely made the right call.

 

As we didn’t have time to sunbathe on the island, we relax in the hot tub by the Pavilion Pool before dinner where JacqTar asks Oleg for a Hunter’s Sauvignon Blanc at $44.85. Stories of the day are swapped with my new dining companion, from Rutland. He says climbing all those steps would have sent his pacemaker into overdrive. He and his wife took the ship’s folklore shore excursion. It included an excellent lunch with wine, and they were very happy with the whole experience.

 

Friday 27/04/2012

 

We have a long day at Civitavecchia - until half past nine - which should be plenty of time to see the main sites of Rome. During breakfast we espy a rarity at a nearby table - a young couple with a lovely baby. The mother is terribly fat yet the father isn’t at all.

 

As we turn right out the port in the direction of the train station there is a store selling BIRG all-day transport tickets - it only costs €9 and can be used for the train, bus and metro. What a bargain! We’ll get off the train at San Pietro and return from Roma Termini - as advised from various sources on the internet.

 

St. Peter’s Square is beautiful and impressive - bordered by the basilica, and immense colonnades bearing statues of saints which encircle the central obelisk. There is a sense of spirituality in the basilica despite the hordes of tourists. Close by the exit is the glass crypt of the previous pope, John-Paul II, laid under an altar in a side chapel.

 

Our walk into Rome takes us past the ornate Ponte Vittorio Emanuele II and the Castel Sant’Angelo (where two centurions, although they look much younger, are mingling), as far as the grandiose Corte Di Cassazione (the Palace of Justice) before crossing the Tiber on the Ponte Umberto I, which eventually brings us to the busy Piazza Navona. We order a couple of the house specialty ice-creams at the Caffé Ai Tre Tartufi which faces the obelisk at the centre of the Fontana dei Quattro Fiumi. It’s a splendid spot to watch the crowds - and a policeman driving through them with cigar in one hand and mobile phone in the other. ‘Il dolce far niente’ gives way to ‘il amaro pagar fortuna’ - if the gorgeous ambrosia doesn’t bring a tear to the eye, the bill most certainly will.

 

We continue on the tourist trail: the Pulcino della Minerva and the church of Santa Maria Sopra Minerva, the Pantheon, the Trevi Fountain, the flower and tourist-bedecked Spanish Steps, the monument of Victor Emmanuel, the Forum (where we fail to evade a tourist-trapping centurion), and, at the end of the Via dei Fori Imperiali - the Colosseum. Rome is very, very beautiful.

 

Bus 175 brings us to Roma Termini - but how do we get in? There are building works all round the train station. A policeman gives a vague left-indicating direction which is where everybody else is heading. On the down escalator we realise that this is the metro - and we can’t go straight back up because the other escalator is completely inaccessible with maintenance work all around. I want to run back up the down escalator but JacqTar isn’t having any of it, so I tailgate through the metro barrier onto the platform looking for another exit. JacqTar uses her BIRG ticket to get through the barrier - and it’s swallowed up by the machine! She’s looking for someone to explain the problem as I indicate in manic-panic that there’s no time. We need to go. Now! She says she’ll meet me back at the ship. Where? In Southampton? There’s another exit - let’s try that. Excellent - it leads to the train station. Where can we buy a ticket back to Civitavecchia? From the kiosk (it’s only €4.50). And where does the train leave from? Platform 28. And where’s that? Miles away. We run and run….and run and run….and run and run and run…… and just manage to catch the train - and then realise JacqTar hasn’t validated her ticket!

 

Saturday 28/04/2012

 

Happy Birthday, JacqTar! After yesterday’s excitement she’s going to have a girlie day to herself in Livorno (having previously been to Pisa and Florence) - perhaps to do some shopping and get her hair cut. She comes with me on the shuttle to the Piazza Grande where the driver reckons I won’t have time to go to Florence. We’ll see. I catch the No. 1 bus to the railway station where, for the second time on this holiday, the driver refuses to take my money. The sign in the window says ‘Biglietto a bordo - €1.70’ but he just says, “Finish”.

 

The Stazioni di Firenze Santa Maria Novella is just across the road from the centro storico. I follow directions that take me past the Medici family crypt, the Basilica di San Lorenzo and the open market in the Piazza di San Lorenzo, the Via Camillo Cavour and the Palazzo Medici Riccardi, and into the Piazza del Duomo and the cathedral. From Giotti’s beautiful Campanile, I continue to the Piazza della Signoria, with the Pallazo Vecchio, the statuary in the Loggia dei Lanzi and the Uffizi just beyond. A couple of minutes away is the Ponte Vecchio with its arches, and shops spanning the Arno river. I continue as far as the Palazzo Pitti but there isn’t time to explore the Boboli Gardens beyond. No matter - I’m happy to have at least glimpsed this glory of the Renaissance and so retrace my steps back to the station to catch the train to Pisa.

 

It’s a ten minute walk from the statue of Vittorio Emanuele II to Piazza Garibaldi just across the Arno and a few minutes more affords a first view, from a side street, of the legendary tower. It leans far more than I imagined. How can it not tip over? I didn’t realise the bell tower was quite so beautiful, as are the baptistery and cathedral (none the less so for being straight) in the appropriately named Piazza dei Miracoli.

 

JacqTar’s day has been equally enjoyable. There was plenty to see in Livorno (contrary to what guidebooks say) and she made two new friends in the shape of her hairdressers. They couldn’t speak English, she can’t speak Italian, and they got on famously.

 

There are birthday cards from everyone at the dinner table. How did they know? I can’t recall her mentioning it - apart from every night, that is. I add mine to the collection. As we eat and celebrate, “…we slip our moorings before proceeding out to sea and setting westerly courses across the Ligurian Sea…en route to Monte Carlo at a speed of 10 knots.” The Daily Programme also informs us, in its Nautical Fact of the Day, that a fathom, “… was once defined by an act of Parliament as ‘the length of a man’s arm around the object of his affections.’” Waiters gather round Jacqtar to sing “Happy Birthday” (‘a capella’ rather than ‘alla chitarra’) and present her with a cream cake. She shares one of the little presents I brought - tiny chocolate bottles of liqueur - with our dining companions. Fortunately we’re not charged a corkage fee

 

The new moon is on its back. JacqTar tells me that means it’s going to rain….

 

Sunday 29/04/2012

 

…and she’s right. This particular morning is shrouded in mist and the Queen Victoria’s decks have received a celestial cleansing. It seems that 60s architects never die - they just end up in Monte Carlo. The expanse of dockside apartments and tower blocks is an ugly introduction to the principality.

 

We are told there are no buses to Eze on Sunday and a taxi would cost about €95, so we’ll take the train. Barriers and stands are up for the “Grands Prix de Monaco 2012” and we walk a little of the course before trying to find the railway station. The principality is certainly much prettier once you get away from the dockside. We climb and climb and a local tells us we have to climb a little higher. Have we missed it? The station looked much closer to the port on the ship’s map. Finally we reach the Gare de Monaco and get in the lift - which takes us down 14 levels!

 

The station sign reads Eze-sur-mer? But we need to be sur-montagne. Unfortunately the next bus up to the village wouldn’t give us enough time to explore and catch the bus back. We can walk up the famous path but we’d probably only arrive at the same time as the bus - or we could take the expensive option of a taxi. We decide to go continue on to Nice instead where the ‘cote’ really is ‘azur’ - intensely so. It’s beautifully warm, sunny and clear with no hint of the earlier rain as we stroll along the Promenade des Anglais and the Quai des États-Unis to explore the old town. Our route back to the station takes in the gardens of the Forum Jacques Médecin (named for a favourite son of Nice who made a tactical withdrawal to Uruguay when faced with corruption charges) and the Place Masséna.

 

The Gare de Monaco really is very close to the port. We must have virtually walked past it without realising although the only sign outside that we can see reads ‘Ascenseur Public’!

 

This evening the men are sitting together onone side of the table with the women on the other. Those that went on the ship’s excursion thought Eze was beautiful so it’ll definitely have to go on the to-do list. Good conversation combines with good food, particularly the beautifully presented Lemon Meringue Pie of which I have to take a photo.

 

The interim On Board Account Statement shows that the Auto Gratuity Charge of $154 each has been refunded.

 

Monday 30/04/2012

 

Roy Hodgson is the new England manager. Who’d’ve thought it? If his next contract is across the pond with the Revolution, he would then be the New England manager.

 

It’s a fine Barceloan morning and on a hill in front of us are the walls of Montjuic Castle. Several other cruise ships are also docked including the Island Escape (of which the comedian said that ‘Formal Night’ means a clean vest).

 

It’s a ten minute ride in the free shuttle to Placa de les Drassanes and the archway sculpture imitating the shape and movement of waves, which sits in front of the customs house. Beyond is the monument to the Genoese ancestor of Wrong-Way Corrigan commemorating 400 years since the ‘discovery’ of America. We weave through the crowds on La Rambla up to the lively market of La Boqueria where a stallholder plies us with fudge, nuts and chocolates. JacqTar buys three bags of sweet delights - fudge and nougat, chocolate-truffle coated nuts, and honey-coated nuts.

 

A vaudeville trio is playing terrific toe-tapping music at Placa Catalunya. How on earth did they wheel the piano out here? There is a restaurant at the top of El Corte Ingles which overlooks the Placa and the view is superb. The waiters seem not to mind us taking a few photos.

 

We continue up Passeig de Gracia as far as the skeletal, organic Casa Battló. JacqTar tells me it’s just as amazing inside as well as out. All the times I’ve been here and never actually been in.…

 

Heading back, we leave La Rambla and turn left towards the cathedral to take a parallel street. Just past the mosaic-tiled fountain on Carrer Cucurulla is ‘Tacone’, the shoe shop of JacqTar’s dreams. 15 minutes later she’s bought three pairs of casual, stylish shoes for about €100 so she’s a very happy girl. The walls of the side street we take to bring us back onto La Rambla are decorated with beautiful ceramics containing representations of Catalan culture, such as that outside the house of Lluis Mila i Reig.

 

“Pre-departure checks have been completed…827 nautical miles to Lisbon…20.9 knots…south-westerly winds 10 - 15 knots…slight seas tomorrow…temperature over 20 degrees…”

The ship’s three host dancers are in attendance at the sailaway party. What a gig that is. After the party we repair to the Lido for a pizza where I trip over the ‘Caution’ sign, but I recover in time to win at shuffleboard.

 

Nelson tells me he managed to go ashore for a couple of hours. He likes to collect Hard Rock t-shirts from around the world. He has 50 so far!

 

JacqTar decides not to buy any more bottles of wine. Olegpours too much in her glass such that a bottle only lasts for four glasses rather than six. The coconut macaroons that we have for petit-fours are delicious so we save some for later. I ask Jhigs how many guests he and Beatrix look after. They are looking after 20 on this cruise. His name is actually Antonio but, as there was already an Antonio waiting, he chose the more familiar Jhigs for his name plate.

 

Like our dining companions from Rutland, we go and watch the late night movie being shown in the theatre - The Iron Lady. Light reflections on the box screens make viewing a little disconcerting but not as much as the film itself. It seems tasteless to have made such a film whilst the lady is still alive, whatever one thinks of her.

 

Tuesday 01/05/2012

 

The theatre is packed for the Captain’s Q&A session. She started her career on Scandinavian Seaways in 1997. She made eighteen applications for captain and Cunard was the first to reply. One of her interviewers was Commodore Warwick, a legendary Cunard figure, and 10 minutes later she was offered the job. She reflects on the reactions of some of the pilots on coming aboard. Some automatically go to the tallest guy on the bridge, some stutter “y…y…you’re a woman”, but her favourite was the pilot in Acapulco who never stopped laughing from the moment he boarded the ship until the time he left. Her rota is three months on and two to two and half months off; she speaks Danish, English, German, Swedish, Norwegian, Faroese and French; and has been Master of the Queen Victoria since December 2010. The enjoyable interview is thrown open to questions from the audience, such as:

Q) How do you start from a dead stop? Obviously it can’t just be; turn a key and press a button.

A) Well, for me it is. You’ll have to talk to the Chief Engineer to find out what they do.

Q) Do you still learn how to use a sextant?

A) Yes - part of the education is still to use a sextant although it’s not actually used in the job.

Q) Why did we use a tug in Rome given the manoeuvrability of the ship?

A) We used a tug in Civitavecchia because port regulations there state that you’re not allowed to use thrusters until you’re 25 metres off the berth when moving away.

Q) How much time do you spend off the ship when you’re in port?

A) I did most of my visiting as a first or second officer. Usually I’m up very early, for example 3 o’clock on a port day, so now I prefer to rest because by noon, I’ve already been up for eight hours.

 

I see from the Daily Programme that the gregarious couple, Bill and Dorothy, are still hosting events. What does ‘LGBT’ stand for? Is it national branches - London, Glasgow, Birmingham and …. Thetford?

 

“Future Food from Tomorrow’s Laboratories” is a lecture given by scientist, author and broadcaster Brian J. Ford. He talks about GM (don't dismiss it - genetic modification has been going on since the Iron Age), unnecessary food waste (people don’t understand Sell By dates), and he poses the question, “Why are we so fat?” (due to our sedentary lifestyle, recommended calorie levels should perhaps be scaled down).

 

We return to the theatre at 2.00pm for the Matinée Movie - War Horse. It’s long, slow and enthralling. As the credits roll, I become aware that all the women nearby are sniffling.

 

We’re approaching the Straits of Gibraltar. It’s clear and sunny but breezy as the wind whistles through the intercontinental channel. According to the navigation chart posted up by the Pavilion Bar, we approached the straits from the Alboran Sea. If the Mediterranean is made up of smaller seas, why is it not an ocean? Is it too small? Is it too bounded by land? By seven o’clock we’re back in the Atlantic.

 

Tonight is the third formal night and the Victoriana Ball. I’m in black dinner suit, black shirt, black tie - a true mirror of how the little lady was dressed for most of her adult life. JacqTar shows no such sympathies and makes do with a stylish and shapely cocktail dress. She’s changed her mind about not buying any more wine so I request she temper my oenological ignorance. Her choice is a Solar de Samaniego ($44.85) - a Rioja which is made from the tempranillo grape. The wine is a ‘crianza’ - oak-aged for two years. (She confesses she used to drink Bordeaux Supérieur for years until learning that ‘supérieur’ related to the geography rather than the quality.) Oleg tries to sell boxes of wine but there are no takers - those in the know, (i.e. everyone else at the table) are of the opinion that they can do better ashore. The high point of an excellent dinner is a master class in serviette folding given by Jhigs and Beatrix.

 

JacqTar goes off to the ball whilst I go to the theatre to watch the Victoriana show. The chairman requires gavel training - it should be struck whilst announcing the artiste, not after. I join JacqTar and manage a couple of dances - a cha-cha and a waltz. As the cha-cha was unknown in the days of Mrs. Brown I feel there is a lack of authenticity about the proceedings. As usual I start on one instead of on two but I still seem to be in time to the music.

 

Wednesday 02/05/2012

 

Lisbon - our final port of call. It’s a cool, wet morning as we sail up the Tagus past the Monument to the Discoveries, built in the shape of the prow of a caravel, with Henry the Navigator at the head of the other Portuguese luminaries. Given his name, it’s fortunate he chose a career at sea rather than in chartered accountancy.

 

The free shuttle brings us to Praca dos Restauradores with its central obelisk commemorating the country’s liberation from Spanish rule. At the tourist office I ask about: getting to Belem (tram 15E from Praca da Figueira); getting to Sintra (we probably won’t bother due to the time and the weather); the all-day public transportation card (available at the Post Office across the road, and newspaper kiosks as we later discover); the Santa Justa elevator (marked on the map in the ship’s excellent port guide); and the Alfama district (tram 28 from Praca Martim Moniz). The rain starts to fall more heavily as we pass the city’s tribute to the, “…Victims of the Jewish Massacre 19 April 1506”, but we only need to shelter for a few minutes. One of Lisbon’s famous old trams takes us up to Alfama, past beautiful azulejos and up twisting, narrow streets to the statue of St. Vincent at the Miradouro das Portas do Sol. The rain has stopped and we can enjoy fine views before walking up the steep, cobbled streets of the picturesque quarter to St George’s Castle. JacqTar spots some fabulously colourful preening peacocks up on the outer walls and we get some excellent photographs. We stop for a drink at the Café Bellisimo close by the castle. The owner, Pedro, tells us we should come back later this evening to experience a genuine Fado. If only we could. That’s the disadvantage of cruising - you rarely get to experience the nightlife.

 

The weather continues to improve as we catch a tram that leaves us near the gothic-looking Santa Justa elevator - confused looks teach me that the ‘j’ is pronounced in the French rather than the Spanish style. It’s a long wait in the queue and a short ride up to the Bairro Alto. The elevator exit is by the ruins of the Carmo Convent (destroyed in the 1755 earthquake) and leads out to a pleasant, little square - the Largo do Carmo. Next to the convent is the Republican National Guard where Portugal’s regime officially ended with the Carnation Revolution in 1974 - Portugal’s entry in the Eurovision Song Contest for that year being the signal to start the uprising, not the cause of it.

 

Standing at the back of a tram, JacqTar feels a tug on her bag which she resists. Next to us are a little girl, and a young gypsy woman carrying a large black bag. They quickly get off at the next stop. A quick check shows none of us have had anything stolen.

 

Our final experience of this charming city (despite some of its residents) is of the vast, riverside Comercio Square, re-built after the 1755 earthquake. An hour and a half later we sail past the Bugio lighthouse at the entrance to the Tagus, and back into the North Atlantic. The Daily Programme tells us we will, “…head north into the Cabo de Roca Traffic Separation Scheme, in place to manage to large volumes of shipping transiting between Northern Europe and the Straits of Gibraltar”.

 

It’s too windy to play shuffleboard so we play a couple of wobbly games of table tennis instead. At dinner I wear the cream kurta I bought a few months ago in Porbandar (a jacket isn’t required for ethnic dress). JacqTar thinks I look like one of the waiters.

 

Thursday 03/05/2012

 

There is an Open Galley Tour after breakfast starting with a Q&A session with Mark Oldroyd, the executive chef. His proud motto is, “Never Trust a Skinny Chef!” so he must be extremely trustworthy. For this trip, the ship stocked up in Southampton and was re-provisioned in Barcelona - but apparently he also keeps a few cows and chickens for milk and eggs down on Deck A. Where maritime law allows, food waste is pulped and put in the ocean to be put back in the food chain whilst other waste is burnt and disposed of on land. Information sheets containing food and beverage facts and figures are handed out. “We will serve over 90,000 meals on a 14-day voyage and clean about million pieces of china and glassware.” Notice what was missing? No? Only after returning from the cruise did I realise that exactly how many ‘million’, was missing. The galley is busy as we are led through for a quick, informative visit.

 

The Virtual Bridge Tour concludes with some historical perspective from one of the officers who started his seagoing career with Shell in the 1980s when the sextant ruled, and you’d call up other ships in the vicinity to ask about their most recent positional fix. GPS has freed up hours of watching - which is now devoted to paperwork!

 

In the upper section of the superb library I pick up the April/May edition of Cruise International magazine. There’s a terrific article about a father and son crossing the Atlantic on the QM2 with each describing their experiences. I can certainly relate to the son’s curiosity about Bill and Dorothy, and their many friends. I show JacqTar the article as harp melodies drift in from the lobby. And which classic piece of romantic literature has she plucked from the shelves to while away the time? “I’ll Make You an Offer You Can’t Refuse - Insider Business Tips From a Former Mob Boss”. She dozes off whilst I read an article in National Geographic Traveller about making money from travel blogging. I wish!

 

Her Larcenous-ness has woken up so let’s try one of the Golden Lion’s famous pub lunches where it has to be the first item on the menu - Traditional Beer Battered Fish and Chips with Mushy Peas. We’ll share a plate as we can’t manage one each. We also order two pots of tea for $5.75 including the iniquitous service charge - pub drinks have to be paid for although fish and chips ought to include tea and slices of buttered bread. The serviettes are turned over and placed crest-side down which must indicate that the order has been taken (we’ve noticed the same thing up in Hemispheres). The food is excellent - a tasty batter, succulent fish, non-greasy chips and not-too-mushy, mushy peas. If only the batter hadn’t left an oil slick on the plate it would have been damn near perfect.

 

The stairs and balconies are packed with spectators for the Guest Choir Performance in the Grand Lobby where the enthusiastic choirmaster endeavours to inspire his charges with encouraging shouts of “Yeah, baby!” although the performance proves (at least for as long as we can bear it) that everyone loves to sing even if very few could spell ‘musicality’.

 

“Anybody with more than 15?” asks the MC at the pre-dinner pub quiz. Our hands are one of several that are raised.

“16?”

There’s still a few of us.

“17?”

We’re in the top two.

“18?”

Still us and…. actually, nobody else. We’ve won! How about that? I hope I’ve redeemed myself after snatching defeat from the jaws of victory at an earlier quiz. We each receive a yellow Queen Victoria Winning Voucher.

 

It’s time for dinner and our fourth and final formal night (which is probably at least one too many) where the highlight is the chef’s parade. All the kitchen and waiting staff are greeted raucously and enthusiastically.

 

Tonight’s show-time performance is Dance Passion. It’s excellent entertainment - although where was the umbrella during “Singin’ In The Rain”? We finish the evening with a little ballroom dancing at the Ascot Ball although the music isn’t to my taste.

 

Friday 04/05/2012

 

Sadly, it’s the last day of the cruise….. I mean, voyage. JacqTar has enjoyed it far more than she or I imagined. There’s low cloud and low visibility in the Bay of Biscay but it is calm. The Navigational Announcement in French follows the announcement in English and our annonceuse adds that today is a typical British day. There’s no need to rub it in, ma chérie!

 

The Cellidh [sic] Dance Class is very popular and loads of fun. We learn the St. Bernard’s Waltz, Cumberland Reel and the Dashing White Sergeant. Slightly less fun is the Guest Talent Show which is really a Guess the Talent show. When a rendition of My Way is rent to pieces we can take no more.

 

After a late lunch we resolve to make a start on our packing, but our token effort is soon abandoned for the splendid Afternoon Tea Dance in the ballroom. We eat, we drink, we dance, but we really should have made the effort to at least share a last cream scone.

 

The Prize Voucher Redemption is between five and six o’clock in ConneXions. We were hoping to win a free seven-night cruise at the very least yet unbelievably two vouchers don’t even warrant a pen, so we decide to keep the vouchers as souvenirs.

 

At dinner, Jhigs and Beatrix present us with a printout of the restaurant menus. It’s a nice gesture but, considering all guests receive the same, it seems a terrible waste of paper. Can’t menus be reused? Couldn’t they be redesigned such that a date banner is printed separately? An excellent meal is concluded with a toast to, “Friends”. Yes, it’s been a damn good table and we’ve only just realised that we’re on a table for ten, even though we all seemed to have requested a table for eight. There are handshakes and kisses all round, and tips for Jhigs and Beatrix who are standing by expectantly. We even have a kind offer from our Sotonian friends to park at their place if we set sail from Southampton in the future.

 

We have a last waltz in the ballroom, a last midnight snack, and at last JacqTar manages to get her suitcase closed - but only after we both sit on it. The On Board Account Statement is delivered. It shows we’ve spent $154.83 on drinks, of which JacqTar’s share is….. $154.83.

 

Saturday 05/05/2012

 

What a wonderful holiday it’s been. Our fellow passengers may have been a little older than we would have preferred, but the company was excellent. Most importantly, JacqTar enjoyed every minute of it. In fact, as soon as we get back we’re going to ….. find out exactly who Bill and Dorothy are!

Welcome to Cruise Critic.

 

Reviews are not normally cross-posted to the cruise line forum. In the future a link will be sufficient rather than a copy/paste of the entire lengthy review.

Fantastic review. I loved it. Well written, amusing and informative in equal measure. What a refreshing change.

 

J

Wonderful review, THANK YOU so much for posting it here, great to read.

 

And now I'm going to read it again... back to the start of the thread I go, fantastic!

 

Thanks again :) :) :) !

Good stuff!

SS

What a wonderful travelogue you have written.

I felt I was right along with you during your trip.

So witty and informative.....you should take up travel-writing as a career.

 

Happy sailing,

 

 

Carol Ann

Please accept my apologies tpms2000 as my comment was curt and inexcusably rude. You recognized this review as outstanding in both quality and content and are to be commended for sharing it with the Cunard forum.

Well, I have re-read it, and it is even better the second time. One of the best written, if not THE best written review of a voyage I've ever had the pleasure to read. So full of humour and sharp observations. Well done, quite brilliant. Thank you again :) .

What a wonderful holiday it’s been. Our fellow passengers may have been a little older than we would have preferred, but the company was excellent. Most importantly, JacqTar enjoyed every minute of it. In fact, as soon as we get back we’re going to ….. find out exactly who Bill and Dorothy are!

 

Thank you for this delightful read, I enjoyed it immensely. At first, I was sure that you were not going to enjoy yourself, but as it turned out, you did enjoy yourself and that's good to see.

 

You do live life on the edge, what with being the one of the last passengers back on board, and racing through train stations in a last minute dash to get back to the ship on time.

 

By the way, I've met Dorothy, she's great. She's loves cruising, she practically lives on board.