Bringing my daughters friend

I have a dilemma.... my husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer in January. Long story short the doctor gave us permission to go on our yearly cruise and we are all looking forward to escaping reality for a little bit.

My dilemma: Each year for the past 3 years we have taken my daughters same friend (same age as my daughter, 15). I pay for everything, including all of her spending money last year. This year in early Feb I did what I've done each of the last two years and called her mother to give her the dates of our cruise. A few days later she called back and said that the dates work. Her and her ex shared custody so each year she has to clear the dates with him.

A few weeks ago a man showed up at my house (saying he was my daughters friends father) and saying that I never asked his permission this year for the cruise and he wasn't going to give her permission to go. Too bad if we already paid for it. He said this should "teach her and her mother a lesson". Seems that my daughters friend hasn't seen her dad since December, which I had no idea of or no way to know that. The mother says he gave permission, he says he didn't.

I was wondering if anyone had been in a similar situation and if anyone had any advice. I don't know what to do. I'm devastated and with everything going on with my husband, I'm praying that the situation changes. Bringing a different friend is not an option. I really don't want to get in the middle of their custody battle and had no idea any of this was going on. I've only met her father one time so I can't really even say for sure that the man that showed up at my house was her dad.

Has anyone ever had a parent agree and then change their mind? Any advice?

Karen

I'm so sorry for all you're going through.

Obviously, this is a situation you can't control. If you've previously been taking this girl without notarized written permission from both of her parents, she's been lucky not to have been turned away before. I would let the girl's mom know that if the dad does change his mind and allows the trip, if there is nothing in writing, you need to have the mom go with to check-in just in case there's an issue and the girl is turned away. The situation is not fair to the girl or you or your daughter, but if it were me I'd just let the family know you hope they work it out and she can come and let your daughter know it will probably be just the three of you.

If the friend doesn't come, I will say that there is great peace to be found at sea and the trip you're taking as a family is a priceless one.

You have all my best wishes,

Mia

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I can understand why this girl hasn't seen her father - it is ridiculous that he thinks it is your job to clear this trip with him. It was his ex-wife's responsibility to clear this trip with him (and shame on her if she let you pay for the trip without getting his consent), but it certainly wasn't your responsibility to clear this trip with him if you don't know him. She's 15, and he can only "teach her a lesson" for another 3 years. She will remember that he put his pride ahead of what was best for her - and you, a perfect stranger willing to pay for a vacation for her, and a person who didn't deserve any stress during an already impossible time in your life.

If it were prior to the cancellation date and you could get your money back, you would be within your rights to just cancel her reservation if you wanted to do so. If it is too late to get a refund, then I'd send the mother an email explaining everything that happened and tell her that if the permission issue is resolved that you will be happy to take the friend on the cruise. Even if your husband didn't have cancer, there is no way you should be in the middle of their custody situation since you don't even know him. As hard as this will be, just try to not think about the situation since you can't fix it, and focus on the time you can spend with your husband. Ask the mother to contact you shortly before the cruise to let you know if the daughter has permission to join you, and hope the dad has some sane friends or family members who can explain that this kind of nonsense can destroy his chances of having a relationship with his daughter when she is an adult (which will happen shortly). If he has a legitimate reason for not wanting her to take the cruise - such as he doesn't want her to miss school - it would be completely different, but this sounds like a grown man throwing a temper tantrum.

Also, if I were the ex-wife I'd try to reimburse you for the costs you incurred if I could afford it since you didn't deserve to have all this dumped on you.

In prior years we did have a letter from each parent approving the cruise. Typically I check the dates in February (for a summer cruise) and then get the letter a few weeks before the cruise. I've always had it with me although I've never been asked for it.

My guess is that the dad thought that by taking away her cruise, she would start seeing him again, when in fact its doing just the opposite which is sad. She is like a second daughter to us so we are praying things change but unfortunately their next custody hearing isn't scheduled til after our cruise. The moms opinion is that since she doesn't see him he doesn't have any idea of when the cruise is even scheduled. Being rule followers we certainly don't want to be arrested if he says we are taking her out of the country illegally.

My 15 year old daughter doesn't want to go without her friend which of course wont stop us but might make for a miserable trip. Its just a horrible, horrible situation that I'm praying changes.

Keeping good thoughts that it all works out for you. That is a terribly selfish (IMO) way for this man to act and I can't imagine it will help their relationship any. But to try to intimidate you as someone who was good to play host to his daughter is beyond the pale.

In prior years we did have a letter from each parent approving the cruise. Typically I check the dates in February (for a summer cruise) and then get the letter a few weeks before the cruise. I've always had it with me although I've never been asked for it.

 

My guess is that the dad thought that by taking away her cruise, she would start seeing him again, when in fact its doing just the opposite which is sad. She is like a second daughter to us so we are praying things change but unfortunately their next custody hearing isn't scheduled til after our cruise. The moms opinion is that since she doesn't see him he doesn't have any idea of when the cruise is even scheduled. Being rule followers we certainly don't want to be arrested if he says we are taking her out of the country illegally.

 

My 15 year old daughter doesn't want to go without her friend which of course wont stop us but might make for a miserable trip. Its just a horrible, horrible situation that I'm praying changes.

Have you checked your roll call group to see if there are other family w/teens that would not mind connecting through FB? She might be a little less disappointed if she can "meet" other teens before going. I'm sorry that you are burdened with this right now instead of being able to look forward to a sweet getaway with your family.

Thank you for the kind words and advice. My daughter is a little shy so I'm going to check for a roll call. This is a back to back so maybe we'll be lucky. typically we do a 7 or 8 day ,but this year with my husbands illness, I thought a 4 day and a 5 day might be better. Just in case we need to make changes mid trip.

We are all praying this works out. My daughters friend is writing her dad a letter, hoping that he will change his mind.

Its ironic that when I talked to the kids last summer about this summers cruise, we picked Canada because my daughters friends dad had taken her there in the past and she wanted to show us Canada. So now that happy memory with her dad has now been tainted with what he is doing now. Its very sad.

K.

Wanted to post an update. All should be good with bringing my daughters friend on the cruise with us. We got all of the paperwork that we needed so we are all set.

Karen

Wanted to post an update. All should be good with bringing my daughters friend on the cruise with us. We got all of the paperwork that we needed so we are all set.

 

Karen

That is fantastic news! So glad it all worked out, best wishes for a wonderful cruise filled with sweet memories!

I am so glad everything worked out and you can focus your energy on your family during this time. I hope you have a wonderful vacation, and wish you peace and happiness in the future

I'm so glad that it is working out for her to come with you. I hope you all have a wonderful time.