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I've figured it all out!

mehitabel

By mehitabel,
in Royal Caribbean International

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mehitabel

mehitabel

Posted
Posted

Due to my assiduous perusal of every Cruise Critic thread on the whole site, I now know all of the secrets to a successful cruise. Because I hold you all in such esteem, I'm going to share them with you. Aren't you the lucky ones?

 

Okay, first: Make sure to adhere closely to the suggestions--I mean guidelines--no, wait--the iron-clad rules set forth by your cruise line when dressing for dinner. Unless you don't want to. But still, you have to. But not really. Seriously, though, dress up on formal night. What does that mean? Whatever you want it to. But no jeans. Unless they're nice ones. Or shorts, unless they're the kind that come down to just past your ankles. Those are okay. Keep in mind, also, that if you're not wearing clothes appropriate to the occasion, people will look at you funny. Depending on how you look naturally, though, that might happen anyway.

 

Ready for number two? It's this: Do NOT ever dine in the Main Dining Room. You'll get ptomaine poisoning and E. coli and heartbreak of psoriasis and have to go to some dingy hospital where they treat you with leeches. So DON'T eat in the MDR, unless it's Lobster Night. But don't eat at the buffet, either, because all of the food is too cold, or too hot, or too lukewarm, and there's never enough of it except for what there's too much of, and people will sneeze into the pasta salad, and then you're really up the creek. Also, you shouldn't book the specialty restaurants, because they're a total ripoff and should've been included in the price of the cruise to begin with. Jerks. No room service, either, because they'll charge you for it. Or not. It's bad, at any rate. Your best option is to bring a big barrel of trail mix onboard with you and just graze for the duration.

 

Which brings us to number three: Don't drink anything, either, because nothing onboard is free except gross water and totally inferior coffee and tea and iced tea and milk, and maybe or maybe not lemonade. Bring your own water desalinization kit and a really really really long-handled ladle and just process the seawater from over the side. And by all means bring your own alcoholic beverages, even though it's ILLEGAL and WRONG and TERRIBLE and they will PUT YOU IN A SCARY ROOM with everyone's confiscated goodies, so maybe it's a good idea after all.

 

Number four is: Book a suite. That's right, book one, you elitist greedy capitalist tool of the patriarchy. Get your fancy little shampoos and deck chairs. What's that? You want to save some money? Well, fine, cheapskate. Get an interior cabin, with no amenities and no window, down there next to the engines and the bilge. Go right ahead--you'll be sorry. Oh, you over there, you want something in the middle? A window or a balcony? Well, that's just a copout. No suite perks, but no taking one for Team Frugal either. What a tepid loser thing to do. Obviously, the best thing to do is to set up a tent in the bridge with all of the high-ranking officers. THAT'S prestige.

 

So there you all have it! Follow my simple rules and you'll have a great time! See how easy it is?

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amazonracer

amazonracer

Posted
Posted
Due to my assiduous perusal of every Cruise Critic thread on the whole site, I now know all of the secrets to a successful cruise. Because I hold you all in such esteem, I'm going to share them with you. Aren't you the lucky ones?

 

Okay, first: Make sure to adhere closely to the suggestions--I mean guidelines--no, wait--the iron-clad rules set forth by your cruise line when dressing for dinner. Unless you don't want to. But still, you have to. But not really. Seriously, though, dress up on formal night. What does that mean? Whatever you want it to. But no jeans. Unless they're nice ones. Or shorts, unless they're the kind that come down to just past your ankles. Those are okay. Keep in mind, also, that if you're not wearing clothes appropriate to the occasion, people will look at you funny. Depending on how you look naturally, though, that might happen anyway.

 

Ready for number two? It's this: Do NOT ever dine in the Main Dining Room. You'll get ptomaine poisoning and E. coli and heartbreak of psoriasis and have to go to some dingy hospital where they treat you with leeches. So DON'T eat in the MDR, unless it's Lobster Night. But don't eat at the buffet, either, because all of the food is too cold, or too hot, or too lukewarm, and there's never enough of it except for what there's too much of, and people will sneeze into the pasta salad, and then you're really up the creek. Also, you shouldn't book the specialty restaurants, because they're a total ripoff and should've been included in the price of the cruise to begin with. Jerks. No room service, either, because they'll charge you for it. Or not. It's bad, at any rate. Your best option is to bring a big barrel of trail mix onboard with you and just graze for the duration.

 

Which brings us to number three: Don't drink anything, either, because nothing onboard is free except gross water and totally inferior coffee and tea and iced tea and milk, and maybe or maybe not lemonade. Bring your own water desalinization kit and a really really really long-handled ladle and just process the seawater from over the side. And by all means bring your own alcoholic beverages, even though it's ILLEGAL and WRONG and TERRIBLE and they will PUT YOU IN A SCARY ROOM with everyone's confiscated goodies, so maybe it's a good idea after all.

 

Number four is: Book a suite. That's right, book one, you elitist greedy capitalist tool of the patriarchy. Get your fancy little shampoos and deck chairs. What's that? You want to save some money? Well, fine, cheapskate. Get an interior cabin, with no amenities and no window, down there next to the engines and the bilge. Go right ahead--you'll be sorry. Oh, you over there, you want something in the middle? A window or a balcony? Well, that's just a copout. No suite perks, but no taking one for Team Frugal either. What a tepid loser thing to do. Obviously, the best thing to do is to set up a tent in the bridge with all of the high-ranking officers. THAT'S prestige.

 

So there you all have it! Follow my simple rules and you'll have a great time! See how easy it is?

 

Did you mention in their somewhere about the salty food. Wait, no it was no flavor?

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mehitabel

mehitabel

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You're right, I forgot about the salty food. It's all way too salty, except for the stuff that has no salt and no spices and no flavor and no ZING. The only food that's properly produced at all? The savory bites. Everything else? CRAP. Salty or not-salty-enough crap.

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wl2cruise

wl2cruise

Posted
Posted
Due to my assiduous perusal of every Cruise Critic thread on the whole site, I now know all of the secrets to a successful cruise. Because I hold you all in such esteem, I'm going to share them with you. Aren't you the lucky ones?

 

Okay, first: Make sure to adhere closely to the suggestions--I mean guidelines--no, wait--the iron-clad rules set forth by your cruise line when dressing for dinner. Unless you don't want to. But still, you have to. But not really. Seriously, though, dress up on formal night. What does that mean? Whatever you want it to. But no jeans. Unless they're nice ones. Or shorts, unless they're the kind that come down to just past your ankles. Those are okay. Keep in mind, also, that if you're not wearing clothes appropriate to the occasion, people will look at you funny. Depending on how you look naturally, though, that might happen anyway.

 

Ready for number two? It's this: Do NOT ever dine in the Main Dining Room. You'll get ptomaine poisoning and E. coli and heartbreak of psoriasis and have to go to some dingy hospital where they treat you with leeches. So DON'T eat in the MDR, unless it's Lobster Night. But don't eat at the buffet, either, because all of the food is too cold, or too hot, or too lukewarm, and there's never enough of it except for what there's too much of, and people will sneeze into the pasta salad, and then you're really up the creek. Also, you shouldn't book the specialty restaurants, because they're a total ripoff and should've been included in the price of the cruise to begin with. Jerks. No room service, either, because they'll charge you for it. Or not. It's bad, at any rate. Your best option is to bring a big barrel of trail mix onboard with you and just graze for the duration.

 

Which brings us to number three: Don't drink anything, either, because nothing onboard is free except gross water and totally inferior coffee and tea and iced tea and milk, and maybe or maybe not lemonade. Bring your own water desalinization kit and a really really really long-handled ladle and just process the seawater from over the side. And by all means bring your own alcoholic beverages, even though it's ILLEGAL and WRONG and TERRIBLE and they will PUT YOU IN A SCARY ROOM with everyone's confiscated goodies, so maybe it's a good idea after all.

 

Number four is: Book a suite. That's right, book one, you elitist greedy capitalist tool of the patriarchy. Get your fancy little shampoos and deck chairs. What's that? You want to save some money? Well, fine, cheapskate. Get an interior cabin, with no amenities and no window, down there next to the engines and the bilge. Go right ahead--you'll be sorry. Oh, you over there, you want something in the middle? A window or a balcony? Well, that's just a copout. No suite perks, but no taking one for Team Frugal either. What a tepid loser thing to do. Obviously, the best thing to do is to set up a tent in the bridge with all of the high-ranking officers. THAT'S prestige.

 

So there you all have it! Follow my simple rules and you'll have a great time! See how easy it is?

 

Something is missing:confused: Oh I know what cruise line are you talking about ?

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beastiemom

beastiemom

Posted
Posted
Due to my assiduous perusal of every Cruise Critic thread on the whole site, I now know all of the secrets to a successful cruise. Because I hold you all in such esteem, I'm going to share them with you. Aren't you the lucky ones?

 

Okay, first: Make sure to adhere closely to the suggestions--I mean guidelines--no, wait--the iron-clad rules set forth by your cruise line when dressing for dinner. Unless you don't want to. But still, you have to. But not really. Seriously, though, dress up on formal night. What does that mean? Whatever you want it to. But no jeans. Unless they're nice ones. Or shorts, unless they're the kind that come down to just past your ankles. Those are okay. Keep in mind, also, that if you're not wearing clothes appropriate to the occasion, people will look at you funny. Depending on how you look naturally, though, that might happen anyway.

 

Ready for number two? It's this: Do NOT ever dine in the Main Dining Room. You'll get ptomaine poisoning and E. coli and heartbreak of psoriasis and have to go to some dingy hospital where they treat you with leeches. So DON'T eat in the MDR, unless it's Lobster Night. But don't eat at the buffet, either, because all of the food is too cold, or too hot, or too lukewarm, and there's never enough of it except for what there's too much of, and people will sneeze into the pasta salad, and then you're really up the creek. Also, you shouldn't book the specialty restaurants, because they're a total ripoff and should've been included in the price of the cruise to begin with. Jerks. No room service, either, because they'll charge you for it. Or not. It's bad, at any rate. Your best option is to bring a big barrel of trail mix onboard with you and just graze for the duration.

 

Which brings us to number three: Don't drink anything, either, because nothing onboard is free except gross water and totally inferior coffee and tea and iced tea and milk, and maybe or maybe not lemonade. Bring your own water desalinization kit and a really really really long-handled ladle and just process the seawater from over the side. And by all means bring your own alcoholic beverages, even though it's ILLEGAL and WRONG and TERRIBLE and they will PUT YOU IN A SCARY ROOM with everyone's confiscated goodies, so maybe it's a good idea after all.

 

Number four is: Book a suite. That's right, book one, you elitist greedy capitalist tool of the patriarchy. Get your fancy little shampoos and deck chairs. What's that? You want to save some money? Well, fine, cheapskate. Get an interior cabin, with no amenities and no window, down there next to the engines and the bilge. Go right ahead--you'll be sorry. Oh, you over there, you want something in the middle? A window or a balcony? Well, that's just a copout. No suite perks, but no taking one for Team Frugal either. What a tepid loser thing to do. Obviously, the best thing to do is to set up a tent in the bridge with all of the high-ranking officers. THAT'S prestige.

 

So there you all have it! Follow my simple rules and you'll have a great time! See how easy it is?

 

 

What??? No guidance on tipping?

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PamUK

PamUK

Posted
Posted

rotflmao! Love it! Its all just soooo true. You have to treat these boards like a giant box of chocolates - only pick out the ones you really want/need, leave the others to people who like jawbreaking hard to chew hard to swallow toffees!:D

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subtchr

subtchr

Posted
Posted
:eek:Oh man...the savory bites...I forgot all about them...I could live on them! I actually cruise just for the savory bites...I don't know whats in em and I don't care.:eek:

 

SOOO true...

 

Reminds me of the time the family was enjoying Cane's chicken fingers, and someone asked what they put in the sauce to make to sooo good. Between bites, my niece said, "Crack."

 

Must be in the savory bites, too.

 

Mehitabel, that was awesome.

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