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Sort of Solo...live from Norwegian Epic 23 July

smileygirl_68

By smileygirl_68,
in Norwegian Cruise Line

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smileygirl_68

smileygirl_68

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I've just heard from Cap'n Jack who I left unsupervised in bliss last night. I had been slightly concerned for his welfare as on our last trip he'd gone awol and we thought he'd been locked in a dungeon by the lurking clog boy. I've summoned him to spice so I can check for any handcuff marks. I learned a new phrase from him yesterday, 'getting gassed'. It means have quite a few sherbets so I'm hoping we can all 'get gassed' together. Update to follow.

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smileygirl_68

smileygirl_68

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On a side note, inflatable pineapple girl has been the victim of a stalker, who has been double name gifted as gooey louis and spewy louis . I have no sympathy for her, as she told him the tale of her stepping out of her room and shouting at a random male passerby to help her unzip her dress. Spewy Louis took this as a sign of her 'looseness' and has been sniffing around like a St Bernard ever since.

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smileygirl_68

smileygirl_68

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We are guilty of extreme hogging. Not the chairs but an entire hot tub. Modesto is nowhere to be seen, probably rinsing the five dollar tip from inflatable pineapple girl in the casino. We utilised the glamingo gifts from our absent friend and chugged a thousand vodkas with old friends and new 7f25c88c7fd04df380472130b9321d78.jpg

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smileygirl_68

smileygirl_68

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After all that rubbing (not a typo) there was some sliding. I said no and chugged all the vodka whilst Cap'n Jack pretended to. We met a lovely man from sorry land (Canadian) who genuinely was lovely. We liked him and allowed him to keep his own name. Modesto has turned up looking for more machine ammunition but I saw sense and merely let him refresh my ashtray

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smileygirl_68

smileygirl_68

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There's a scientist who said objects in the mirror are closer than they appear, I tried that scientific experiment and can genuinely affirm that it is a total lie. 100km to my room for a wee, I was tempted to bang someone midway but my bladder held out and I made a leak-free arrival to my mansion

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smileygirl_68

smileygirl_68

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After a leisurely snooze I was aroused by my wake up call, which did not involve being banged or baring of cheeks. I reminisced about the afternoon's sojourn and recall the statement from a stranger (with terrible lipstick) who announced that I seemed like a person with great assets and could they possibly borrow some sunscreen. Now I'm a rotund person at the best of times but my goodness will a splodge of factor ten the size of a tuppence really cover an area the size of an underveloped European country? For that was her aim and good luck to her but I predict burnt bits and medical centre visits galore.

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smileygirl_68

smileygirl_68

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Good morning from Cannes! In a miraculous turn of events I'm actually getting off the ship today. Inflatable pineapple girl and I have a date with some fizz in one of the swanky hotels. I will provide photographic evidence of what I'm hoping will be a magical experience

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smileygirl_68

smileygirl_68

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Before I move on to the escapades in Cannes I must tell you about how two of the group got ideas above their station yesterday and smuggled themselves into the Haven. After hoodwinking two children into opening the door to this mystical paradise, inflatable pineapple girl and champagne sarah headed to the bar and ordered a bottle of champagne. The astute bar person asked for their room number and I'm told there was some mumbling about not being able to remember followed by a swift departure. Now most of us would have taken this as a sign that luck was running out, but not these two. Instead they sauntered to the hot tub, via the gym where the exercise balls were utilised as space hoppers then had a swim (with their eyes on a haven towel as a souvenir) before a very angry crew member approached them demanding to know what they were doing and how they got in. Having decided that silence and running was the only way to avoid an awkward explanation, the pair made their escape. As no room numbers or other form of identification had been given, it was with some alarm that champagne sarah later received a message asking her to go to guest services. Fear set in, was it so elite and exclusive in the haven that they used facial recognition? Had hours of cctv been scoured to identify the brazen louts who had soiled the hallowed earth of the haven? No, they just gave an update about her bill...phew!

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smileygirl_68

smileygirl_68

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We had a wonderful day in Cannes. Captain Gloves, also known as 'Ross Tours' for his most excellent (and physically demanding) self made sightseeing adventures, hauled Cap'n Jack on another march around Monaco and Monte Carlo. During a lull in the tour, the naughty boys decided to play European Tinder. Suffice it to say the women of Glasgow are not a patch on the yacht owning singletons of Monaco. Inflatable pineapple girl and I shopped and feasted in style. We didn't make it to a swanky hotel as the little bistro where we lunched had enough fizz to satisfy our cravings and we were entirely content. a6232c59dc560f1a96329ed05226dfa1.jpgAs we headed back to the ship we spotted some very handsome local police officers who indulged our request for a picture or two. Further on we found the carousel, where inflatable pineapple girl crammed herself into the Cinderella carriage before moving on to one of the horses. I straddled another horse in a very undignified manner and was very disappointed to find mine was static whilst inflatable pineapple girl had a mount on a pole who rose and fell like a majestic stallion. Further still we found the Ferris wheel and clambered aboard for a few spins before returning to our floating paradise. A quick mango meltdown and I was done for, afternoon napping was on the agenda and I lurched to my studio. On waking (bangless and cheek exposure-free) I was reminded to collect the props, for tonight is glow party night. Armed and dangerous we met at shakers and decided to head to cagneys for a meat fest, but it was fully booked. Moderno was our 2nd choice and they were more than willing to accommodate us. Jack & Gloves (a comedy duo just waiting to happen) had brought gifts back from Ross tours and we fully utilised our placemats during dinner. 73fc600e0edc1cc14abc0406c065e9fe.jpgWe reminded the meat dispensers that we'd been here a few nights ago and a picture jogged the memory of a particular meat-ista. His continual references to his juicy pork slab had me giggling like a love struck teenager and I swooned embarrassingly for the rest of the meal. 0fc86ea3459487dc2378c5ff3e259d05.jpgHis badly scrawled email address secreted in my bill did little to help my pathetic behaviour but I took some comfort that it was not a further inflatable pineapple girl prank.

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alysonofagun

alysonofagun

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Approaching Beautiful Palma. Ross tours is off to clock up more European Tinder conquests, champagne sarah is heading for Ensaimadas and fizz, and inflatable pineapple girl and I have a plan for a served lunch in taste

 

 

You are getting off the boat AGAIN? [emoji33]

 

 

 

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smileygirl_68

smileygirl_68

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It is with a heavy heart, a distended liver and another lifetime of memories that I prepare to say my final goodbyes to the Epic. Champagne Sarah has presented us with joyous gifts, the hot tub has been hogged for the last time, Caesar (did I mention Caesar, he's H.O.T and very willing to make the arduous trek from spice bar to hot tub repeatedly to quench our insatiable thirst) has dolloped his final screwdriver. We are off to shakers to wave off Mickey (did I mention him? He was treated to a rousing chorus of oh Mickey you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind hey Mickey at every single opportunity) and then to Manhatten to quaff, guffaw and reminisce the night away. Unless there is a 'port to airport' based calamity (I really hope not) then this is 'Glamanda' over and out. Thank you for sharing my trip, and all you lucky souls travelling on Norwegian Epic I hope you have the best time ever...if you don't then there's something wrong with you, fact! xx

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alysonofagun

alysonofagun

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It is with a heavy heart, a distended liver and another lifetime of memories that I prepare to say my final goodbyes to the Epic.

 

 

Sob sob, I have last night sadness for you [emoji22] I think you've inspired me to go live from the TA...

 

Safe travels home tomorrow!

 

 

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