Live from Queen Victoria (V135N)

[fantasy51]

Cruachan, I have the key - but only to the code, not the key to your room, I'm afraid.

 

I have packed two extra breakfasts for you. They will be delivered wrapped up in tee-shirts, holed jeans, etc. Accept the clothing BUT DO NOT WEAR IT. I have managed to subvert one of their agents with promises of a pre-tied bow tie; he will deliver this food on a regular basis.

 

If you had terminated The Dead Cat, as instructed by your superior officer, then you would not now have this problem with him.

 

Hindsight, of course is everything: you should have called for backup early on before these deniers gained such control.

 

Seaside Gal is on her way, but I fear she alone will not manage the job. I hope she has packed outfits suitable to disguise herself until we can drop in our tuxedo and ball-gowned supertroops.

[fantasy51]

Cruachan, please sort this problem out before I board the ship on Monday. However, if all else fails, send me your room number in code and I will bring lockpicks and rescue you.

 

Ccf bgzt jkjbeu ao lql Wrwhcuce. C hqwe lql urg oaikea a iyenv kcmg. P hnxv voqreq hfl tjl cewzme cmtrt piutz. I'z uflra de ntv hov vn gjv maol oag.

[seasidegal]

If you would read this post in clear

Then you must work a bit I fear

 

To start, a Frenchman you must name

A man of cryptographic fame

 

His name? I hope you can forgive

But un-mixed up, you need ne'er give

 

So once you've solved that little clue

You now have answer one of two

 

The second thing you'll need from me

Is something known as the key

 

But this one really is quite tame

The answer lies in my board name

 

So now you have all that you need

The unencrypted words to read

 

So have a Google and I'll bet

A site you'll find upon the Net

 

Where, if you get your brain in gear

The answer will become quite clear

 

J

 

There once was a Frenchman named Felix

who wasn't a Texting Feline...

 

Opps....sorry.....must run ....someone's knocking at my door

I do hope it is Whitemarsh....he was kind enough to carry

by bags but nar a sighting of him since :eek:

nor my bags.:eek:

 

Something is really AMISS and I'm in a terrible state

of Dread & Fear!!!!

 

I'm sure it is that darn "CAT" again!

 

send help, please....A S A P....TRUST NO ONE

 

REPEAT......TRUST NO ONE.

 

Lower Class Detective Chief Superintendent Seasidegal

 

Send more bags....have no clothes as I boarded only in my

birthday suit to keep my Fashion Police Status from being

un-covered!

[Louise D]

There once was a Frenchman named Felix

who wasn't a Texting Feline...

 

Opps....sorry.....must run ....someone's knocking at my door

I do hope it is Whitemarsh....he was kind enough to carry

by bags but nar a sighting of him since :eek:

nor my bags.:eek:

 

Something is really AMISS and I'm in a terrible state

of Dread & Fear!!!!

 

I'm sure it is that darn "CAT" again!

 

send help, please....A S A P....TRUST NO ONE

 

REPEAT......TRUST NO ONE.

 

Lower Class Detective Chief Superintendent Seasidegal

 

Send more bags....have no clothes as I boarded only in my

birthday suit to keep my Fashion Police Status from being

un-covered!

 

In the current state of uncertainty, with suspicions running high that Cruachan has been turned, I have sent Whitemarsh to a safe house in a remote location to await my further instructions. Present contact is only by carrier pigeon. Have no concerns about him.

 

Fifteen trunks of latest fashion are being air-freighted to you to support your cover. I am also providing you with an Aluminised Protective Suit to ensure there are no more accidents to any members of my team in carrying out their furnace duties.

[Salacia]

Hi J. How is the sea? Are you seeing suprising things? Cheers, -S.

[CI66774]

I find your posts delightful!

[Norfolk Brit]

Kruzenshtern is now a Russian sail training ship but, more importantly, she is one of the last four extant examples of the famous "Flying P-Liners" of the former German shipping company, Laez Line, and is the last of the four still sailing.

 

One assumes no longer?*

 

Sir Martin

 

* For those unaware of Mr Cruachan's track record, everything he photographs promptly sinks, catches fire, or runs aground.

[Norfolk Brit]

jvfps berpm ccvvr vcyus dleaj zdaer eqdpx rgzsp quydg uirtj unfpa zdvcn ioeyf gliuv nrtzh majao keunf hmbpc spgym vvkyd queot vukhh sgrvl dcfat gendg hdpck bauno agfpe taogj vxatr svfvu nfphn xvhod hcxwg

 

Goodness me! Finally something understandable.

 

It will doubtless come as a relief to know that I escaped Venice just before your arrival, thus avoiding its inevitable sinking. However, my triumphant return has been marred by the horrible vision of you wearing shorts; kindly confirm this is a typo and you meant 'shirts', or even 'skirts'.

 

Agent 006

[glojo]

Taking pictures of, or trying to gather intelligence from Russian ships can have dire consequences. Hopefully your agent kept their distance when taking those 'snaps'

 

Commander Crabb RN

[lovely_serenity]

Haha, the awesomeness in this thread is beyond comprehension. :D

[Cruachan]

Goodness me! Finally something understandable.

 

It will doubtless come as a relief to know that I escaped Venice just before your arrival, thus avoiding its inevitable sinking. However, my triumphant return has been marred by the horrible vision of you wearing shorts; kindly confirm this is a typo and you meant 'shirts', or even 'skirts'.

 

Agent 006

 

And a fat load of flaming use you were, Agent 003 (you've just been downgraded!). Thanks to you I've been held prisoner in my cabin, kept on iron rations of only one breakfast per day, and threatened with physical violence by a bunch of rampaging Bermuda short wearing, Hawaiian shirt clad dress code deniers, bent on exacting terrible vengence upon all members of the Fashion police. Had it not been for the sterling efforts of sundry colleagues from the Australian and US branches I shudder to think what might have become of me. And where were you while all this was going on? Well, apparently, poncing around Venice like the Playboy of the Western World. Quite frankly, if it weren't quite so close to home, I would describe you as being about as much use as a cat flap on a nuclear submarine.

 

However, that aside, and no thanks to you, I have to report that the situation on board QV has now been restored. All the rebels have been terminated with extreme prejudice (you should be meeting some of them shortly!) and order and good discipline have been restored.

 

In honour of your wondrous episode of gross under-performance, I give you your new boardname:

 

Sir Brutus Judas Quisling-Pétain

 

J

[seasidegal]

In the current state of uncertainty, with suspicions running high that Cruachan has been turned, I have sent Whitemarsh to a safe house in a remote location to await my further instructions. Present contact is only by carrier pigeon. Have no concerns about him.

 

Fifteen trunks of latest fashion are being air-freighted to you to support your cover. I am also providing you with an Aluminised Protective Suit to ensure there are no more accidents to any members of my team in carrying out their furnace duties.

 

Carrier PigeonGram September 27 2013

 

To: Commander Louise D.

 

For Your Eyes Only:

 

 

 

 

15 Trunks Arrived.

 

Contained Latest Fashions from 1960s.

 

 

Much Relief From Passengers That My Birthday Suit Is Now Hidden.

 

My Cover Is Now Safely In-Tactless Mode.

 

Please Fire Current Fashion Purchaser.

 

Immediately Assign Whitemarsh To Replace.

 

 

URGENT:

 

Agent J Is Playing Mindless Mind Games.

 

Advise: Immediate Forced Seclusion in Secret House.

 

Advise: Immediately Sending "Norfolk Brit Agent 006" To In-terror-Gate Mindless Minded Agent J.

 

Sending Anti-Stress Kit to Agent 006 To Administer to Shiftless Agent J.

 

 

Signed:

 

Lower Class Detective Chief Superintendent Seasidegal

 

Dated: This Day of This Month of This Year

[Louise D]

SECRET

 

(Fashion Police Eyes Only)

 

 

 

 

To: Assistant Commissioner Whitemarsh, Lower Class Detective Chief Superintendent Seasidegal; Sgt J. Christie (N Yorks Division), Trainee Agent 003 (Norfolk Brit)

Copy to: Agent 006: “The Dead Cat” (RIP)

 

Re: THE LATE FASHION POLICE CRISIS ABOARD MS QUEEN VICTORIA – VOYAGE V315N (MEDITERRANEAN SERENADE)

 

Having received a number of indecipherable communiques from several agents in the field, together with reports of a higher than usual volume of traffic in the enemy's camp, I have this day determined to issue a Code Emerald.

You will all be aware of the implications of the Code Emerald, which has only been employed once before, and which resulted in the loss of the SS Andrea Doria in 1956. At that time, the tragedy was attributed to the heavy fog conditions then prevailing, but of course we know that this was an excuse put out by the Italian Line to cover up our activities.

I can assure you that I will not stand for any repeat of the disaster that was occasioned by our last Code Emerald. To this end I provide each of you with the following individual instructions:

Commissioner Whitemarsh (via Carrier Pigeon)

As our most valuable Fashion Police asset, you are to remain at the safe house in the Pilbara (Western Australia) until further notice. Act on no communications unless personally signed by me and accompanied by the code word "Emerald".

In order to keep you fully engaged whilst in seclusion, I have accepted a contract from Gina Rinehart (Hancock Prospecting) for you to provide emergency fashion advice to her. She will be arriving in her private helicopter this evening at 23:15. Please have a variety of bejewelled tents available for her inspection. This is a tough assignment, but I know that if anyone can succeed, you can.

Lower Class Detective Chief Superintendent Seasidegal

I received your complaints about the contents of the 15 trunks air freighted to you. The contents were NOT, REPEAT, NOT fashions from the 60s. I obtained them directly from the catwalks of Paris Fashion Week, (where I am currently located on assignment).

I notice from your record that you miserably failed the subjects of "fashion recognition" and "history of fashion". Do you not realise that there is nothing new in fashion? Only you would confuse the latest Chanel and Armani with "fashions from the 60s". I despair.

Your report as to your activities on board QV is totally unsatisfactory. It appears that you have failed to carry out the termination of Agent 006 and Sgt J. Christie has reported that he alone dealt with the Anti-Cunard zealots and rebels currently on board.

I am afraid that you have been suspended effective immediately. You will be sent to a secure facility in northern Greenland for deprogramming and, in due course, assimilation back into civilian society.

Sgt J. Christie (N Yorks Division)

Have intercepted enemy message that major new front will open at 22:00 GMT today.

Prepare to immediately institute Code Emerald. All conventions of fairness and decency no longer apply. All measures taken must be extreme.

Suspected subversives will be wearing an assortment of:-

(a) Second hand suits;

(b) Dull and worn patent leather shoes;

© Pre-tied bow ties;

(d) Fake military medals;

(e) Native Dress (esp. lap laps)

Methods of despatch:-

(a) The furnace;

(b) The removable railings on Deck 3 and a quick splash at midnight;

© Photographer's cords.

Please ensure accurate count is taken of all those terminated as per usual Emerald protocols.

Trainee Agent 003 (Norfolk Brit)

There is no excuse for your dereliction of duty, (as reported by Sgt Christie). You will be aware that all leave was cancelled at the commencement of the QV crisis. Your exploits in Venice do neither yourself nor us any credit.

You have been on probation as a trainee Fashion Police Member for the last 6 months. In that time, you have:-

(a) Caused a norovirus outbreak on QM2 in September;

(b) Caused the Silverseas Silver Shadow to fail its CDC inspection in July;

© Caused a fire on Grandeur of the Seas in May;

(d) Caused Carnival Fascination to fail its CDC inspection in April.

I can no longer keep making excuses to the cruise lines for your behaviour. You will be terminated forthwith.

Meet Sgt Christie by the furnace at 22:30 hours tomorrow. In the interim, remain confined to your quarters.

 

 

(Signed)

LOUISE D

 

Roving Commander (Paris)

(Fashion Police Eyes Only)

 

SECRET

[Cruachan]

OK,

 

Never mind all that dress code shizzle - this is the real deal!

 

I need help! (Shut up cat, I can hear your sarcastic reply already).

If there are any legal experts out there I would value your advice on how to initiate a claim for compensation against a commercial firm - a well known purveyor of over-the-counter medications and such like.

 

Before embarking on this cruise I assembled a wide range of remedies for minor ailments and decided that, as I am insufficiently coordinated to get eye drops into my eyes by the conventional method, I would invest vast sums of folding stuff in purchasing a bottle of the hideously expensive Optrex Actimist eye spray. This is (allegedly) an ingenious product which is sprayed directly onto the closed eyelids, the liquid then spreading onto the surface of the eyeball when you open your eyes again.

 

As I had not used this particular elixir before I thought that I would take the highly unusual step (for a man) of reading the instructions first. Those instructions read as follows:

 

"1. If using this spray for the first time press the button 3 to 4 times.

2. Hold the nozzle 10 centimeters away from your closed eyelid

3. Use up to 3 to 4 times per day"

 

All perfectly clear and straightforward I hear you say. Well, perhaps so - but, dear reader, I would ask you to peruse these instructions with great care. Read them in detail and note what they say - it won't take you long as they are quite short.

 

When you are certain that you are fully conversant with the modus operandi as laid out in the user handbook please report back to me and tell me where in this comprehensive instruction leaflet it says anything at all about removing your spectacles before using the spray!

 

This cruise was supposed to be the holiday of a lifetime but it has been totally ruined for me by the trauma caused by the incompetent technical writers who compiled these useless instructions. I now seek appropriate compensation. My wife also sustained severe bruising and a sprained ankle when she fell off the bed laughing at me.

 

J (who is now experiencing the cruise from hell)

[Louise D]

When you are certain that you are fully conversant with the modus operandi as laid out in the user handbook please report back to me and tell me where in this comprehensive instruction leaflet it says anything at all about removing your spectacles before using the spray!

 

 

Before you continue down this path, I think I should inform you we conceal our agents' last-resort cyanide solution in a bottle with the label of this eye preparation.

 

Your mistake may have saved your life.:eek:

[pepperrn]

When you are certain that you are fully conversant with the modus operandi as laid out in the user handbook please report back to me and tell me where in this comprehensive instruction leaflet it says anything at all about removing your spectacles before using the spray!

This cruise was supposed to be the holiday of a lifetime but it has been totally ruined for me by the trauma caused by the incompetent technical writers who compiled these useless instructions. I now seek appropriate compensation. My wife also sustained severe bruising and a sprained ankle when she fell off the bed laughing at me.

J (who is now experiencing the cruise from hell)

I am so sorry to read about Mrs Cruachan's injuries, I do hope that they and her split sides (from laughing so much) will get the medical attention they deserve and that she makes a full recovery.

 

(There is a scene in a film, where a guy is teaching himself to fly using only a book called "How to fly an Aeroplane", which has "Sit Down" as the first instruction...)

 

Alas, I do not feel that your claim for compensation against the makers of this spray will get very far, although I wish you luck in forcing them to pay for another cruise as recompense for the trauma caused to your dignity.

 

I am tempted to ask how many times you used this miracle spray before realising that it was ineffective on your eyes, but great for cleaning your spectacles?

 

With great symphathy to SHMBO (and not just for her injuries),

[Norfolk Brit]

Before you continue down this path, I think I should inform you we conceal our agents' last-resort cyanide solution in a bottle with the label of this eye preparation.

 

Your mistake may have saved your life.:eek:

 

I have no wish to be joined down here by Mr Cruachan, so live in hope that you are correct. Rather worryingly, though, we have heard not a single squeak from the dopy old git for at least an hour.

 

Sir Martin

 

PS Is my cyanide capsule in the tin of Extra Meaty Chunks I just had for breakf

[pepperrn]

Sir Martin

PS Is my cyanide capsule in the tin of Extra Meaty Chunks I just had for breakf

Apparently so...

 

:)

 

So that's this day off to a good start :) .

 

 

 

(I noted a typo in my previous, for "SHMBO" read "SWMBO". Thank you).

[Louise D]

Sir Martin

 

PS Is my cyanide capsule in the tin of Extra Meaty Chunks I just had for breakf

 

They do say that cats have nine lives, which may account for the fact that Agent 006 still seems to be alive, despite my arranging several appointments which should have had fatal consequences.

 

Sir Martin (Agent 006), I believe Rosalind wants you urgently in cabin 6065 of QM2.

 

(At least the situation may improve if we confine the poltergeist cat and Rosalind together in one cabin).

[Norfolk Brit]

Apparently so...

So that's this day off to a good start :) .

(I noted a typo in my previous, for "SHMBO" read "SWMBO". Thank you).

 

Wrong!

 

Don't wish to be picky, but there may be another typo: have you really sent SWMBO a great symphony and, if so, was it one wot you wrote?

 

Just in case, I've sent her some earplugs, with instructions not to let Mr Cruachan within a million miles of them; we'd hate him to shove 'em into the wrong place, wouldn't we...?

 

Sir Martin

[pepperrn]

Wrong!

D**m. Better luck next time.

Don't wish to be picky, but there may be another typo: have you really sent SWMBO a great symphony and, if so, was it one wot you wrote?

Sympathy/Symphony, who cares as long as you don't attempt to sing along to it :eek: .

Just in case, I've sent her some earplugs, with instructions not to let Mr Cruachan within a million miles of them; we'd hate him to shove 'em into the wrong place, wouldn't we...? Sir Martin

One in each nostril you mean :D ? I do hope the instructions were also sent "care of" Mrs. Cruachan, as Sgt.Cruachan (Queens Own Kilt Wearers very much RTD) needs his spectacles on to read instructions it seams, and we all know where that issue went last time...

[fantasy51]

Cruachan, all best wishes for your last full day on board Queen Victoria. It has been a real pleasure to read this thread each day. Thank you for starting it.

[glojo]

Cruachan, all best wishes for your last full day on board Queen Victoria. It has been a real pleasure to read this thread each day. Thank you for starting it.

Well said and what fun it has been to read this highly amusing thread which has bought highlighted the talents of our most gifted of writers :)

 

THANK YOU

John

[north east girl]

I've loved reading all the posts, very entertaining.

 

Catherine

[Cruachan]

A b8g thank you to everyone who has contributed to making this such a fun thread. Back to earth with a bump tomorrow and facing up to the prospect of a serious dose of harsh reality again.

 

In the meantime, I'll leave you with another photo from the cruise. This gannet in juvenile plumage spent quite a while yesterday "playing with the ship" and was an absolute delight to watch.

 

J