PHOTO REVIEW: H turns GOLD on the Carnival Conquest (Fun Times, New Menus)

[ProfCruise]

WHAT DOES MOM’S CHRISTMAS BONUS HAVE TO DO WITH THE LIDO BUFFET?

Important context. Let me elaborate. Every year around this time Clark Griswold, I mean mom, starts checking her mailbox 300 or so times a day with the hope that her Christmas bonus will have arrived. Now anyone who gets that excited over 5 free lunch coupons to the college cafeteria should probably not be trusted as a food critic. So, keep that in mind.

Mom loves the Lido buffet. She especially loves stuffing napkin wrapped silverware into her pockets so she can juggle plates enough for two people (actually that’s the only part she hates – but I refuse to believe my existence makes her life challenging in any way).

Highlights of the Lido buffet this time around included the made-to-order omelets (mom found the arugula option quite exotic – she doesn’t get out much) and the salmon benedict (grandma’s fav) at breakfast and the dessert parfaits at lunch (served out of giant glass jugs -- we tried a cheesecake one and a blueberry cobbler one). I also discovered something I now love almost as much as cheese and sherbet – Jello cubes! I’ve faked sick every day since.

When it comes to food porn, Lido shots are, like, fully clothed with a little elbow showing. But anyway, here…

 

 

 

Mom just shouted, “Elbow my a**, there’s arugula in there!”

 

 

 

[ProfCruise]

H, WHAT DID YOU DO ON VACATION? I VISITED THE CEMETERY (IN SAN JUAN)

Mom had two goals for San Juan. Well three. Well four (just kidding – three). Tour a free (surprise, surprise) museum, visit the cemetery (huh?), and don’t get lost (fat chance). I guess one out of three ain’t bad (for mom).

I should have known I was in trouble when we disembarked with a map instead of my beach toys -- I tried to remain calm for grandma’s sake. But when mom reached into her pocket for the map and it was gone, I knew I should have packed emergency rations and an iPad. Never one to admit defeat, mom assured us she knew the way to the cemetery. We walked (up hill) and walked (up more hills) and walked (down some creepy stairs) until we reached an area with a bunch of burned out houses, at which point Grandma whispered to me: “Do you think your mom is trying to have me taken out before I spend all her inheritance money on Viking cruises (grandma took her first one this year)? On three, RUN!” Well before we got to three, we rounded a corner and before us: a Christmas miracle. It was an entrance to Cementerio Del Viejo San Juan "Santa María Magdalena De Pazzis." And as odd as it is to visit the cemetery on vacation and as hard as it was to “be respectful” I have to admit, it was pretty cool. Have a look (and see if you can find something odd in the first photo):

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Will mom ever find her free museum? Stay tuned (but don’t tire your arms holding onto hope).

 

 

[ProfCruise]

H, WHAT DID YOU DO ON VACATION? I SAW DONALD DUCK! (AT A CEMETERY…IN SAN JUAN)

Did you spot him? Little tip, when you’re trying to teach your “H” about “respectful,” don’t take him to a cemetery with plastic Disney figurines adorning the graves. Also, be prepared to explain death to him while you, yourself, are still trying to figure out why none of the statues have arms.

Moving on. We exited the cemetery through this tunnel:

 

 

Which took us out to the entrance of the El Moro fort.

 

I guess if you wanted a more direct route to the cemetery, you could just follow the signs for El Moro (boring).

So then, did mom ever find her free museum? Well she (a) lost her map with the name of the place on it and (b) didn’t speak the language. What do you think?

Instead we stumbled upon the Museo De Las Américas around the area of El Moro. Even though there was a $6 per adult charge and even though we were confused as to why people kept emphasizing to us that “the museum is closed for lunch from noon-1” (we were still on ship time and didn’t realize that only gave us 45 minutes at the museum before they closed), we decided to go for it. And we’re glad we did. It was a great little museum on the second floor of a beautiful building with a giant open-air atrium in the middle.

 

Each room had a different theme from ancient history of the Americas to more modern art and even a few interactive pieces (my personal favorites).

 

 

 

 

[ProfCruise]

ONE MORE THING

I can’t let you leave Old San Juan without some photos of her beautiful streets and architecture. And keep in mind, we probably wouldn’t have seen half this stuff had we not lost our map. So, ditch the map and enjoy a (half) day in San Juan!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[ProfCruise]

ARE YOU LAZY AND DIRECTIONALLY CHALLENGED? HAVE I GOT THE PORT FOR YOU!

 

 

What can I say about Grand Turk, other than it requires no navigational skills and there are loungers located, like, 10 feet from the ship. As such, it’s the prefect port for mom. Once you decide whether to turn left (for larger crowds, but better conditions for swimming) or right (for almost no crowds and pretty good odds of finding a giant conch shell, but rockier beach conditions) or stay straightish (for a giant free pool and equally giant boozes), it’s pretty much full proof. And beautiful and relaxing whichever direction you choose.

To the left, to the left, everything you own in a box to the left (try getting that song out of your head now…suckas). Also, here’s what you see to your left.

 

 

To the right, you’ll find the other Donald (Trump, not Duck) or maybe this guy.

 

 

 

And mom and some trees, but who really cares about them.

 

 

And finally, if you’re in the middle of potty training your H (please, send a prayer mom’s way if you’re so inclined), you head straight here.

 

 

That concludes the ports section. Up next, the room service we never ordered (In the meantime, I’ll try to think of a more appealing title for this section). And remember, we’re getting to the big prize in just a few. more. minutes. Seriously, we’re getting close now. Turn the game off and pay attention.

[Delta Dear]

JANE! My favorite cruise buddy! Thanks for all your kind words -- I really feel like you get me. Plus, you're super funny. I did want to make sure you knew that my Poppi (the one who got the liver transplant) is alive and doing GREAT! My (other) grandpa passed away 5 years ago (today, in fact). We always miss him on the big boat (especially when grandma comes with us).

 

I'm loving your review of the Pride so far. I guess the only calamity is that I wasn't able to join you! Maybe I could come on the Conquest with your grandson? :D

 

Hi H, I forgot to respond to your post. I'm relieved to know that your Poppi is doing so well after his transplant. I'm sure your other grandpa is with you when you sail even if you don't see him with your little eyes.

 

Give my grandson a year or two and a cruise or two, you two together would rock and roll and rule whatever ship you sailed on. I'll have to keep up with your plans and his. I know you would train him well in the art of cruising and train him on controlling your cruising parents.

 

Happy New Year to you. Hope you brought in the new year with a big bowl of organge sherbet.

[JohnSpo]

Thanks H! I love your reviews! I leave on the Conquest on Sunday!

 

Enjoy your cruise on Conquest. I was on Conquest in November on the 8 day itinerary and it was awesome. Have fun.:cool:

[PurdueChefAmber]

Enjoy your cruise on Conquest. I was on Conquest in November on the 8 day itinerary and it was awesome. Have fun.:cool:

 

 

Thank you!! Just landed!! I am doing a review, too! H inspired me!

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[ProfCruise]

THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY

Even though I’m always skeptical of this technique when it comes to hair washing, let’s start with the bad, to get it over with. Do as I say and so on. I couldn’t come up with a catchy title for the room service we never ordered and, besides the “safety show” AKA Muster Drill (which, unless I say otherwise, you can assume is bad) and naps (you’ll never hear me say otherwise), room service is the only “bad” thing I can think of. So I’m saving my creativity for potty training and filing room service under “bad.”

THE BAD

Mom, grandma, and I don’t all agree on much, but we do agree that room service was a big disappointment. Our reason for that assessment is different (naturally). Mom and grandma were very underwhelmed by the new room service menu which removed their favorite two sandwiches (the mushroom veggie one and the shrimp salad) along with a few others and replaced them with a bunch of pay items of no interest. They weren’t surprised by the new menu as the initial blow was delivered on the Pride in July, but opening the menu and seeing pay-to-order fries where their favorite sandwich used to be still stung. Me? I was mad because I placed an order of grilled cheese, PB&J, cookies, chocolate cake, and cheesecake (proof that there are still some excellent free items on the room service menu) only to discover that mom had unplugged the phone (I’m sure that had nothing to do with the surprise $835 room service bill on the Pride…I did it for you, people).

Anyway, here is the new (sucky or still delicious, you be the judge) room service menu:

 

 

 

 

Since we never ordered anything (sorry, I tried), you’ll have to click on my Pride review for photos (you should be doing that anyway – it’s awesome).

THE UGLY

Mom and I disagree here too. I would refer you back to that red-faced photo of mom post-workout. Mom on the other hand would say this (from mom): Little tip, if you don’t want learn 65 new wrestling moves while soaking wet from a spilled drink after exhausting every single trick you’ve got (including alcohol…for the both of you) while getting regular dirty looks from fellow passengers for a solid hour on your flight home, maybe don’t be so blasé about enforcing regular naps. Not that I learned that one the hard way or anything.

H here. Mom exaggerates. It was more like 58 minutes.

Now…

THE GOOD

Hang on, mom is interrupting again. From mom: Fine, but it was the longest 58 minutes of my life. And as long as H has given me the mic, I’m going to SING (revenge sucks, doesn’t it). Just kidding, but while we’re here, I'd like to file something under “good:”

On the morning of our first sea day, H woke up early, just as the sun was rising. There was eagerness in his little voice as he called for me –he was on the big boat, after all. I grumbled a bit to myself at having to get up so early, but tried to match his excitement as I grabbed a robe and some warm socks, scooped him up in his soft PJ’s, and snuck out on the balcony while grandma slept. We watched the sunrise and we talked. He asked me weighty questions like “why do the waves look white” and I tried my best to answer them; we found a dinosaur in the clouds; we spotted another ship way out on the horizon and wondered why it looked so small and still; we made buns to keep our hair from blowing in our eyes; we snuggled up under the robe to keep warm. And I thought to myself, “If this moment were it, the only one I ever had, it would be enough.” And at the same time I never wanted to let it go.

As I held H close, I thought about the Syrian family who boarded a boat with their little guy, not for an escape from the relatively minor stresses of a privileged American life, but because it was all they could do. All they could do to save him. And in the end, they lost him anyway. Their “H.” And they and the whole world watched as his perfect little body, in his tiny sneakers, washed up on shore -- never to run or play or get up early to watch the sunrise again.

I wondered how I would ever explain war and hate and injustice to H and wished I would never have to. But mostly I was reminded that, despite the trauma and pain and loss I’ve suffered in my own life and even though mommying a toddler is sometimes more tantrums and time outs (and miserable flights) than orange sherbet and high fives, I am profoundly lucky. And that, today and every day, is the good.

And these too, of course.

 

 

Now, passing the mic back to H to deliver the BIG PRIZE (his review of American Table/Feast with menus and food porn…showing far more than elbows this time). Time to crank up the music and lock yourself in the bathroom with a towel (if you’re offended by that bit of innuendo, I apologize, and may I also suggest you avoid the comedy club).

[ProfCruise]

Thank you!! Just landed!! I am doing a review, too! H inspired me!

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

I might hate you a little bit right now. I'm really looking forward to your review anyway, though! Have fun (for all of us!)! :D

[PurdueChefAmber]

I might hate you a little bit right now. I'm really looking forward to your review anyway, though! Have fun (for all of us!)! :D

 

 

Thanks!!! Tell your mom and grandma "hi"!!

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[ProfCruise]

Thanks!!! Tell your mom and grandma "hi"!!

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

They hate you too (but "hi" back). :p

[ProfCruise]

H HAS SPOKEN AND THE FINAL WORD ON AMERICAN TABLE/FEAST IS…

Coming. But first, a word about our MDR wait staff. They were faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Plus they made napkin animals. Their names were Ricardo, I Made, and Anthony and it was evident, because they told us so, but also because they were able to anticipate my every need, that they had children. I’m sure they could arrange for a long, drawn out meal for you, but if you have an antsy toddler (or mom) or are in a rush to snag a prime show seat, e-mail the maître d' in advance or visit on embarkation day and beg, bribe, sell your soul, anything it takes to get in their section (BTW, mom e-mailed in advance requesting a private booth and was kindly accommodated).

Here’s how dinner went each night. The SECOND my bum (I know it’s adorable, but for the love, resist pinching it) hit the bench, before I even had the chance to stick my fingers in the butter, we were presented with menus and our water glasses were filled. Our team watched for the signal that we were ready and immediately took our order (mine was always some combination of ice cream soup, noodles, pizza, PB&J, cheese plate, cookies, and sherbet/ice cream). Then I went for the butter (after the first two nights mom and grandma learned to grab themselves a serving before 10% of it ended up in my mouth and the rest on my hands and face). Five minutes later all my food (they always brought out everything I ordered except dessert first and all at once) and mom and grandma’s first courses arrived. Before mom and grandma could even fully swallow their last bite, BAM, dishes were cleared and main courses arrived. Then dessert menus. They would generally stand off to the side (probably taking bets on how many mom would order tonight) while we decided, rush over to take our order (orange sherbet, please), and before mom could even feel guilty for ordering 5 of everything, BAM dessert arrived. We were outta there in under an hour (and usually closer to 45 minutes) every single night and, instead of opting out of the MDR in favor of anywhere I wasn’t, several of our fellow MDR patrons commented on how wonderfully behaved I was (mom thanked them and uttered under her breath: “if you only knew”).

The only downside to such an efficient wait staff? We nearly always missed SHOW TIME -- I only got to swing my napkin around and shove mom aside to show off my awesome dance moves, twice. Our team made up for it with high-fives and napkin animals (seriously, they were sooooo nice to me) though.

Now, after forcing you to read 27 pages of drivel, my thoughts on American Table/Feast.

Keep in mind my doctor delivered me over the internet and they don’t even have a name for my generation yet, I’m so new. So those of you a bit more, how do I say this kindly… Old as balls? How’s that? No. Traditional? A little better, but not quite. Seasoned? Okay. …might have a different impression. But I LOVED it (you’re not allowed to blast me, I’m just a kid)! Seriously, everything about it.

Let’s talk about what’s changed. The first thing you’ll notice is the table set-up. There’s one for “literally anything goes” nights, I mean “cruise casual” nights, and one for “almost anything goes” nights, I mean “elegant nights.” Here’s a photo of each:

Cruise casual

 

Elegant

 

I loved that there was a difference between them – it made elegant nights feel more special. The casual set-up was clean and modern and the elegant one was, well, elegant. I also loved that there were no charger plates. A charger is for your phone and gaming device – not to take up a bunch of space, waste water, and create unnecessary work for the wait staff and kitchen crew. On casual nights there would be a basket of different (DELICIOUS) breads placed on the table (easier access to carbs is always a good thing in my book), a butter dish, and a water carafe (we never had to use it—our wait staff always filled up our waters quickly, but it was there as backup). Some have complained about lack of space on the table with the carafe, bread, glasses, decorative wine bottle (which holds the table number), centerpiece (varied, but ours was usually a silver shell), and the square bread plates, but we didn’t find that to be the case at all (keep in mind we were 3 people in a booth, so it might be tighter at a full table) -- actually there seemed to be more room than with the old set-up.

Here's the bread basket

 

 

 

On elegant night there were white table clothes and the bread and water were delivered old-school (which, again, made it feel special). So, for table set-up, I give American Table/Feast an enthusiastic fist bump.

The second thing you’ll notice are the new menus. “American Table” menus are for casual nights and “American Feast” menus are for elegant nights. I found them a great combination of old favorites and fun, yummy new things to try and mom, grandma, and I agree (say, what?) that we didn’t order a single thing we wouldn’t order again (we’d more likely order 3 of them next time). Because we really liked everything, I’ll be presenting the menus and photos of what we ordered each day with labels, but minimal commentary unless there is something particularly noteworthy (you’re probably not even reading this right now…just get to the photos already!). Feel free to ask any questions, though.

[ProfCruise]

GOOD THINGS COME TO THOSE WHO, WAIT, I ACCIDENTALLY DELETED THE MENUS AND FOOD PICS.

 

Kidding, kidding.

 

Saturday menus:

 

 

 

 

 

Now aren't you curious what we ordered? Stay tuned...

 

 

 

[ProfCruise]

THE MOMENT YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING, AND WAITING, AND WAITING FOR...

 

Saturday's order

 

Shrimp Cocktail

 

Orange and Grapefruit Fillets

 

Strawberry Bisque

 

Vegetable Lasagna

 

Mahi Mahi

 

Spaghetti and Tomato Sauce

 

Dessert coming...

[ProfCruise]

Saturday cont.

 

Carnival melting chocolate cake (new name, same deliciousness)

 

Nutella Tiramisu

 

Warm Date and Fig Pudding

 

And finally, Orange Sherbet (my compliments to the chef)

 

Up next, Sunday.

 

 

[ProfCruise]

Sunday menus (first cruise elegant/American feast night):

 

 

 

[ProfCruise]

Sunday's order

 

Baby Spinach Salad

 

Root Vegetables in a Pie Crust (mom ordered this as her appetizer course)

 

 

Broiled Maine Lobster Tail (Our wait staff brought grandma a second one of these without her even asking. See why we loved them?)

 

Indian Vegetarian

 

 

Desserts coming...

Edited January 3, 2016 by ProfCruise

[ProfCruise]

Sunday's desserts

 

Tropical Fruit Plate (seriously, grandma?)

 

Vanilla Creme Brulee

 

Coffee Creme Cake

 

[ProfCruise]

If you're thinking, "that kid's mom has no class," you couldn't be more right. Luckily, I do my own shopping. Here I am rockin' my tux on elegant night (more food coming...calm down):

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Violets Mommy]

I love your reviews H! Can't wait for more.

[ProfCruise]

I'm back from putting in work on one of my (well one of mom's for me) New Year's resolutions: mastering the potty. I've found the best way to approach this kind of assignment is to play naive for a time (which in this case means conducting my business on white furniture, in closets, in potted plants, and on the floor right next to the potty) until mom's at her "wits end," checks herself into the Holiday Inn, and puts daddy in charge. A few days and 3,000+ skittles later and mom returns to a fully trained H. "How did you get him to do it?!?!" Shhhh, don't tell.

 

Anyway, where were we. Monday? Okay, Monday.

 

Monday's menus

 

 

 

 

 

 

[ProfCruise]

Monday's order

 

Peach Soup

 

Red Beet Carpaccio

 

 

Grilled Tofu Steaks (I was a little surprised to see that this made the cut...seriously who wrote in and was like "Please, I beg you, keep the tofu!")

 

Salmon Cake with a Baked Potato (ordered separately as a side). They serve the potato plain, but come around with a tray of sour cream and bacon from which they will top your potato (I guess that's the MDR equivalent of the bacon police).

 

 

Side of Creamed Spinach (a favorite -- ordered many times)

 

Save room for dessert!

 

 

[ProfCruise]

Monday's desserts

 

Sticky Toffee Brioche (and the best dessert mom had the whole cruise).

 

Smores Parfait

 

Mango Cream Cake (they didn't have a labeled "low sugar/calorie" option every night, but when they did grandma usually ordered it)

 

I think I'll tell daddy that I refuse to poop in the potty again unless I get some of that sticky toffee brioche.

 

[ProfCruise]

Tuesday, TUESDAY (Al Roker style)

 

Tuesday's menus