Allure: Confessions of a solo passenger

[suesnake2002]

not read through but with this sort of title, do you solo passengers ever get any 'action'?? :D:D:D

 

Please read post 104:D

[oceanblue33]

Tell your company coach Dantonio and myself are big fans of yours can't wait for the rest of your review looking forward as I'm sure others are. GO SPARTANS

[harryfat1]

 

Yeah, yeah. It's slow. I know. As I explained above (not sure if you read replies I give to others), my employer decided that Cruise Critic is now a restricted site. And I am crazy-busy after work with my son's after-school activities. So my updates have slowed down considerably these past few days. But glad you are enjoying! I will post again today!

 

I hear you. My work used to block any posting on CC before the forum switched to its current new format. Somehow this new format is not treated as social media which is banned from work computers.

 

You can download the app to read and reply to the forum on your cell phone if you don’t want to wait until you get home or else you might find yourself spending precious time nightly replying to each post instead of looking for photos and writing the new installment that everyone is clamoring for. I know this from personal experience…

 

I don't think there's a quoting limit - besides, you can pad you post count with individual posts, you know, if you are into that kind of thing.

 

I think hucifer is referring to the fact that when you click on the “multi quote” button for 3 or more people, only 2 of them show up when you click on the regular quote button. Typically not an issue for majority of the people as they just typically quote 1 or 2 people but if you are a thread starter (OP) and you want to reply quickly to people in a single quick reply post, you have to do a little more work to manually copy and paste the 3rd and 4th replies.

 

Maybe there is a way to do it but I’m somewhat technically challenged and I couldn’t make it work by holding down either the shift or control key while clicking on the multi quote button, thinking it’s like other windows programs to stack multiple quotes.

 

But yeah, it’s a good thing to run up the click count as Cruise critic rebates you 1 month's worth of your annual subscription for every 10,000 views so keep writing as it pays the bills...;p

[patreke]

Welcome! This trip report will feed your need for sarcasm.

 

 

 

You would think I would be on the ship by now, wouldn't you? Ah, but the Queen of Digression has so much to say.

 

Wow! She's taking quite a trip! I would love to take a transatlantic cruise one day. Can you imagine the points I would earn? Holy cow.

 

Anyway, I am getting ready to post the next installment. The one when I actually am on the ship.

 

 

 

Solo transatlantics can’t be beat for a great time and lots of points! You could probably go straight to the much coveted diamond! I’m Enjoying the review, I’m considering a 7 night on one of the big girls for my 50th.

 

 

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[leono1]

Please read post 104:D

 

thanks for that. post 104 does clear up my question unfortunately.

 

guess i must have got very lucky on my first ever cruise with a lovely american lady 15 years my senior :p

 

anyway back to the review, hucifer, tell us more about your friend wendy..............:'):'):')

[hucifer]

State has plenty of haters from U of M! But we showed them! Go Green!

OMG did we show them.

 

I am following this thread as well...I have traveled solo before, most notably to WDW a few times and enjoyed it...haven't yet cruised solo though...unlike some solo cruisers, I actually live alone and have for many years now, so a lot of alone time is actually a requirement for me...have cruised carnival, norwegian and royal--and so far my favorite is royal and in particular allure--I love this ship! your posts so far are bringing back some wonderful memories...I cruised allure with my mom as her 75th birthday cruise (she passed away this past april)...my next cruise will probably be on Harmony--which appears to be a lot like allure, so that should be exciting

Aww, I can see why the Allure is so special to you. My condolences on the passing of your mom. Are you considering solo cruising?

 

Hi. Hope you can get back up on CC at work! I'd be devastated if I couldn't access at work LOL

 

Did you go to the gym? If so, what time were you there in the mornings and were you able to get a treadmill? Did you have to wait long for machines and were there any complimentary classes?

 

Thanks so much and can't wait to read more!

I hope work clears up their security a bit because what is so bad about a message board?

Your gym question...ummm...although I work out every day at home, on vacation I normally avoid the gym. I eat instead. But I have used the gyms in the past and found them not that crowded. I have also taken some classes. Some were great and some were just okay, but they were all extra costs.

 

Hi! I'm joining this post as a reader, but don't bother wasting your time replying to my comment...just give us more! I'm transported to my childhood when my friends and I would brattily pound our fists on the dining room table chanting "We want food! We want food!" but instead it's now "We want more! We want more!"

I know many thread starters don't acknowledge all posts, but I believe that if someone is going to take the time to respond, I should recognize them for it. I appreciate that people post here. But yes...I took today off from work and I am posting another segment. Promise!

 

I dont know my number, but a real teehee outta Isaac making ur drink

Ahh, thank you for also recognizing my Love Boat reference. I love sharp-eyed people like you.

 

Ok, apparently, I'm late to this party, but hey, it's a party! Now, I want to hear about your sarcastic adventures with chair hogs, kids who fill up the hot tubs and people who wear shorts and tank tops in the MDR.

 

Also, lanyards. I think we need more posts about lanyards.

Late or not, I welcome anyone who stops by for a drink. OMG, your post made me laugh. But I feel I must be honest up front: I do not address any of those issues. Except maybe lanyards because people who wear them make me sick.

Also...who is the OTHER other Chad?

 

thanks for that. post 104 does clear up my question unfortunately.

 

guess i must have got very lucky on my first ever cruise with a lovely american lady 15 years my senior

 

anyway back to the review, hucifer, tell us more about your friend wendy..............

Readers are leaders, I'm told. And if you read, you will find that action doesn't follow me too much. Social reject and all that. I'm not OPPOSED to it, it just that the pickings are slim.

*sigh* Another reader who is more interested in Wendy. The price I pay for posting her damn picture.

 

Tell your company coach Dantonio and myself are big fans of yours can't wait for the rest of your review looking forward as I'm sure others are. GO SPARTANS

I can do that, but I don't know how productive that will be. I swear I'm posting another segment today.

[hucifer]

You can download the app to read and reply to the forum on your cell phone if you don’t want to wait until you get home or else you might find yourself spending precious time nightly replying to each post instead of looking for photos and writing the new installment that everyone is clamoring for. I know this from personal experience…

I sometimes check CC on my cell at work, but doing the multi-respond thing is easiest from a laptop. Until work realizes that CC is a simple, but humble message board with no intention of harming our security at work, I am stuck with limited response time. Curse you, government! [raises fist]

 

 

I think hucifer is referring to the fact that when you click on the “multi quote” button for 3 or more people, only 2 of them show up when you click on the regular quote button. Typically not an issue for majority of the people as they just typically quote 1 or 2 people but if you are a thread starter (OP) and you want to reply quickly to people in a single quick reply post, you have to do a little more work to manually copy and paste the 3rd and 4th replies.

 

Maybe there is a way to do it but I’m somewhat technically challenged and I couldn’t make it work by holding down either the shift or control key while clicking on the multi quote button, thinking it’s like other windows programs to stack multiple quotes.

 

But yeah, it’s a good thing to run up the click count as Cruise critic rebates you 1 month's worth of your annual subscription for every 10,000 views so keep writing as it pays the bills...;p

 

Yes sir. You are correct. All that copy/pasting/coding is so time-consuming, while hitting the multi-quote button is so dang easy. And I do not intend to fill up my thread with replies.

 

Solo transatlantics can’t be beat for a great time and lots of points! You could probably go straight to the much coveted diamond! I’m Enjoying the review, I’m considering a 7 night on one of the big girls for my 50th.

 

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Oh, believe me. I have done the math. One 14-night solo TA would take me straight to Diamond. Plus, the cost is incredibly reasonable for an interior. But I just can't justify missing my time with my son, since I have him every other week.

[hucifer]

DAY 2, part 1: I FIND THE FUTURE MR. HUCIFER

 

“I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders.”

--Dave Attell

 

I’m on page 8 and just getting to Day 2? Are you still with me? Jeeze, you people either are gluttons for punishment, completely bored, or can’t look away from the accident that is my trip report. In any case, I don’t know whether to applaud you or apologize for sticking with it. So thank you. And I’m sorry.

 

Onward…

 

I decide to try breakfast at the Park Café. Let me sum up what I thought of it in one word:

 

Ehhh.

 

Not the cornucopia of choices here, my friend. I am able to find an egg and sausage sandwich though, so it satisfied the need. Not awesome. But passable. Because I love Central Park so much, I walk outside with my sandwich and decaf coffee to enjoy the ambience of fake bird chirps.

 

Right here I have to stop and say, yes. I drink decaf. All this energy and sass [points to self] comes naturally, people. I feel like I need to explain because people apparently think this is weird. I get a lot of crap like, “Coffee without caffeine? What’s the point?” And I say, “I happen to like the taste?” But naysayers are everywhere, and they can’t imagine why anyone would drink coffee unless they had to.

 

All I can say is, it’s a good thing that I put the food and drink down on the table before I sat down, otherwise they would have been all over me. The cushioned chairs out there are LOW. Like, down to the ground low. Much lower than they appear to the unsuspecting eye. So low, in fact, that your chin will be level with the table and you’ll feel like a toddler eating at a grown-up table without a booster seat. I grossly miscalculate the distance between rear and cushion and I about fall backwards when I sit down. I land with an umph.

 

[casually look around to see if anyone saw]

 

After breakfast, it’s time to do something that is LONG OVERDUE: find the sea. If you remember, we shoved off at 5:30 the evening before, which was when I showed up for dinner. By the time the meal was over, it was too dark to see anything. And on this ship…if you have an interior2 cabin [patooey!], the places to actually view the surroundings are quite limited. I have to make an effort every day to see water. This is one of my biggest Allure complaints.

The sea! At long last...the SEA.

 

 

Speaking of complaining…when I got off the ship on day 8 I had NO SEA LEGS. I never knew how much I would miss the rocking feeling that stays with you after disembarkation. Barely felt the ship move at all this week. For those with motion sickness, I’m sure it’s a blessing. But I actually like being conscious of being on a boat: unintentionally catching ocean views from walking past a window, or being rocked to sleep in your cabin. While The Beast is a contemporary wonder, there are some basic things that she doesn’t have which I love about cruising.

 

So I am enjoying the morning and sniffing a little sea air when a text comes in. Yes, you read that right. A TEXT.

 

[raised eyebrow, gaping mouth, sudden coughing fit]

 

You have GOT to be kidding me!

 

Nope. Not kidding. I stare at my phone. This text is not just from anyone. It’s from my BOSS. I am in a momentary panic because I think…did I forget to put this phone on airplane mode? Am I fired? No, I am not fired and no, the little airplane symbol is displayed on top of my phone. So how in the name of all that’s holy did I get a text? And from HIM, of all people? While I am momentarily freaking out about this, he had written, “I can’t remember if Mexico is one of your stops, but if you are scheduled to stop there, there is a travel advisory against it and I hope you will not be getting off the ship.”

 

Wait. What?

 

[sudden burst of uncontrolled laughter]

 

We’ll just pretend that I didn’t see that text until I get back to Lauderdale.

 

[crumples text and tosses overboard, walking away, casually whistling tune]

 

After I recover from my impromptu emotional outburst, it’s time for the Welcome Back thingee. For those in the know, it’s for Platinum [patooey!] and above, so I was totally invited. The best part about this event? FREE BOOZE. “I’ll take two Mimosas. The other is for my friend who isn’t here but will be coming and will be thirsty and very happy that I grabbed one for her. I’m super thoughtful that way.” Because no one is going to believe that a hot chick like me came on this ship alone.

Before.

After.

The event begins and Captain Stubing introduces himself and his crew. My favorite crewmembers were the naked ones who performed tricks for us. Was hoping that they were going to ask for a female volunteer from the audience to wipe up their sweat with either a towel or her tongue, her choosing. But no such luck. I may never cruise on this ship again with all its disappointments.

I choose...tongue.

Definitely tongue again, but I may need some assistance.

I also attend the Meet and Greet. Actually, that happened before the Welcome Back thingee. Geeze, I have SO MANY personal invitations to things that I just can’t keep them straight. The event is interesting in the fact that I would pretty much not run into any of these people around the ship for the rest of the week, and the point of these is to make the ship a little smaller by meeting folks. And here’s a funny contrast: at home I tell people that this is my eighth cruise and they’re all, “Your EIGHTH cruise? Wow you take a lot of cruises!” And I’m all, yeah. Look at me, the cruising expert. I’m PLATINUM. And then I watch them marvel at my Platinum-ness. The ignorant fools.

 

Then I go on Cruise Critic or meet folks on the ship who have taken a thousand cruises. My Platinum-ness [patooey!] suddenly becomes a big embarrassment as I revere the Diamond, Diamond-Plus, and Pinnacle people around me. But everyone is really nice at the event and no one shames my Crown and Anchor status. At least not to my face.

 

Prizes are awarded. I don’t win. I return to my inferior interior2 cabin empty-handed.

 

I drag my rear into the Champagne Bar, where the solo lunch meet starts. There are only two others: a very young fresh-out-of-college girl named Erin who is staying with her brother and his family on the ship on the 17th deck (I didn’t even know The Beast HAD cabins on the 17th deck), and a fifty-something divorced man named Frank or Steve or Bob or something who is vacationing on casino comps and is here with other casino folks. This isn’t my first solo luncheon, so the low number didn’t surprise me. A crewmember walks us to the Silk dining room and sits us at a large table with three other couples, all of which were way cooler than the couple that sit at my dinner table. Conversation goes well enough, but the three of just don’t have enough in common to continue socializing after lunch. Frank/Steve/Bob’s eyes keep licking me up and down throughout the lunch, so the sooner I finish this delicious build-your-own-pasta dish and run from the table, the better. I mention to the other two that I like how The Beast actually has digital clocks in the rooms. Frank/Steve/Bob’s eyes darted momentarily away from my legs to look me in the eyes and say, “I know, but the clock is downstairs, and my bed is upstairs, so I can’t see it when I’m in bed.”

 

[blinks]

 

So if I didn’t already feel steerage enough with my interior2 cabin, I’m dining with 17th-deck, superior ocean-view, multistory cabin dwellers. Like Fat Albert dining with Mariah Carey and Thurston Howell.

 

After lunch, the Sexiest Man Alive contest is scheduled to begin at the Aqua Theatre. I take a seat in the hot sun and patiently wait for the young eye candy to make appearances.

 

And then I saw him. Robo. He is working with Grant, the activities manager, to collect names for the contest. He’s from Mexico and is the sexiest thing I’ve seen with a clipboard and sunglasses since Bubbles.

 

[Robo casually looks around the audience and suddenly locks eyes with me. Tchaikovsky's Romeo & Juliet Overture swells while Robo and I stare at each other. He drops his clipboard, throws off his sunglasses, then runs toward me in slow motion.]

 

So I stare at Robo while I wait for the contest to begin. It starts late because they can’t get enough contestants to sign up. And that makes me very sad. But eventually a few men sign up. And when Grant asks for female volunteers to judge the contest, I am screaming Robo’s name and waving my arms frantically to get called. Nope. Rejected like Walter Mondale in a Presidential election. Apparently boring my eyes at Robo while saliva dribbles down my chin is an undesirable quality for judging this event.

 

The contest is fun. I enjoy watching the men wiggle around and do their best to convince the judges that they should win. Of particular note is the young man who brought a rubber horse head mask to the contest and danced Gangnam style. Maybe not the sexiest, but definitely portrayed the best personality. And, let’s be honest, personality IS sexy.

Gangnam guy doing his thing. Robo (sigh) is behind the judges.

When the contest is over and we all funnel out of the theatre, Robo is at the top of the stairs. As I pass him I say, “I have to tell you. You are extremely hot.”

 

Robo is taken by surprise but thanks me and says, “If you want to see more of me, I’ll be wearing very little and playing volleyball in the sports pool later today.” A personal invite to see a nearly-naked Robo? OMG.

 

[bites lip]

 

And while he does seem genuinely flattered that an old woman like me thinks he’s hot, he does not drop his clipboard or even remove his sunglasses.

 

That’s okay. I have six more days to win you over, Robo.

 

[maniacal laugh]

 

UP NEXT: THE CLOSEST I COME TO HAVING SEX

[cstimmons]

 

UP NEXT: THE CLOSEST I COME TO HAVING SEX

 

"Your killing me smalls" -Ham Porter, The Sandlot, 1993

 

I swear lurking and waiting for these is like waiting on book three of a new trilogy to be released.

 

 

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G890A using Tapatalk

[zippydodah]

That seriously made me LOL.

 

I'll be taking my first cruise on Monday with my 13 year old son. I imagine it will feel like a solo trip more than a family trip since he's planning to spend more time doing teen things instead of sitting around drinking and reading. I've solo travelled a lot in my life including to Disney. I prefer solo most of the time, especially at Disney (sorry, kid).

 

Thank you for your trip report. Can't wait to read more about Robo!!

 

Sent from my Moto G (4) using Forums mobile app

[dreadpirate3]

You are killing me with laughter. Keep it coming! :evilsmile:

[wheretonow?]

"If you don't have anything nice to say, come sit next to me." - Alice Roosevelt Longworth

 

All those passengers who didn't sit by you completely missed out on some excellent conversations. One of my favorite trip reports to date. Makes me want to cruise solo with you. Wait, is that an oxymoron? (and who are you calling moron?)

 

I convinced DH, in a mad dash to become Diamond + (what is the facial expression for that? Smirk? I think royal wave is reserved for Pinnacle) that I needed a solo trip next Feb on the Serenade. Not a Beast by any means, but I'm looking forward to it.

 

I am completely offended that you called Love Boat obscure. Now Emperor's New Groove....Love the references and think I caught most of them. Maybe I'm the one who is obscure?

 

And you got to sail with Grant, one of my favorite AD's ever.

 

Thanks for sharing your trip and digressions with us - it has been a fun ride so far and I look forward to the rest.

[JJSMaine]

OK .. I am hooked... LOVE you writing style... what are you doing Jan '19... I am planning an Anthem cruise.. :D The 2019 Sarcasm Express!!

[Gloworm2]

Totally enjoying this [emoji23]

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Forums

[hucifer]

"Your killing me smalls" -Ham Porter, The Sandlot, 1993

 

I swear lurking and waiting for these is like waiting on book three of a new trilogy to be released.

 

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G890A using Tapatalk

 

So I'm like the Catching Fire of trip reports?

 

That seriously made me LOL.

 

I'll be taking my first cruise on Monday with my 13 year old son. I imagine it will feel like a solo trip more than a family trip since he's planning to spend more time doing teen things instead of sitting around drinking and reading. I've solo travelled a lot in my life including to Disney. I prefer solo most of the time, especially at Disney (sorry, kid).

 

Thank you for your trip report. Can't wait to read more about Robo!!

 

Sent from my Moto G (4) using Forums mobile app

Disney alone can be fun, but damn it is a busy trip. Jeeze, you're leaving MONDAY? There is no way I will have completed this thing by then. Please enjoy your cruise!

 

You can't wait to read more about Robo? I can't wait to TALK more about Robo. Mrowr.

 

You are killing me with laughter. Keep it coming!

That's a lot of pressure, woman.

 

"If you don't have anything nice to say, come sit next to me." - Alice Roosevelt Longworth

 

All those passengers who didn't sit by you completely missed out on some excellent conversations. One of my favorite trip reports to date. Makes me want to cruise solo with you. Wait, is that an oxymoron? (and who are you calling moron?)

 

I convinced DH, in a mad dash to become Diamond + (what is the facial expression for that? Smirk? I think royal wave is reserved for Pinnacle) that I needed a solo trip next Feb on the Serenade. Not a Beast by any means, but I'm looking forward to it.

 

I am completely offended that you called Love Boat obscure. Now Emperor's New Groove....Love the references and think I caught most of them. Maybe I'm the one who is obscure?

 

And you got to sail with Grant, one of my favorite AD's ever.

 

Thanks for sharing your trip and digressions with us - it has been a fun ride so far and I look forward to the rest.

You started with a funny quote! Love. <3

 

Yes, let's plan a double solo trip. I'll stop calling you Moron, but I won't stop calling you Shirley.

 

Diamond plus would be more like -------> [in your face!] But yay on your next solo trip! Beast or not, I am jealous.

 

And THANK YOU for picking up on my Emperor's New Groove reference. I think I only had the one, though.

 

I did like Grant. Thought he was funny and engaging. But he was no Robo...sigh...:hearteyes:

 

OK .. I am hooked... LOVE you writing style... what are you doing Jan '19... I am planning an Anthem cruise.. The 2019 Sarcasm Express!!

Thank you sir. What am I doing January 2019....hmmm...

[consults crystal ball]

Crabbing about our bitter Michigan winter? Wishing I was on the Sarcasm Ship? Details are fuzzy.

[Royal2464]

Enjoying your review. Score one from a fossilized old geezer from Florida. Try breakfast in the”Wipe Out” cafe, deck 15 aft.

[Memsailor]

Great review, have to go back an RE-Read to make sure I caught it all. As a solo cruiser it’s my time to turn all the crap off and all my receptors on. Just relax and enjoy!!

 

 

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[maynard123]

"What's the point of havin' a rapier wit if I can't use it to stab people?" Jeph JacquesHucifer - It's taken me to page 8 to weigh in - your review is outstanding! Like a mini-series I wait for the next installment to savor. My next cruise (number 8!) is in January - reading reviews helps me mentally prepare for the pain and suffering I must endure while sailing pointlessly through the azure waters of the tepid Caribbean. Thank you for your review!

[NouCruzer]

 

UP NEXT: THE CLOSEST I COME TO HAVING SEX

 

 

Oh my,... I'll have to read the next post with my hands over my ears... ;)

[hucifer]

Totally enjoying this

You ninja-posted on me.

My ego is glad you're sticking with it. More to come.

 

Enjoying your review. Score one from a fossilized old geezer from Florida. Try breakfast in the”Wipe Out” cafe, deck 15 aft.

Oh, totally forgot about that little place. I think I walked by it once.

Wait. Are YOU the fossilized old geezer? And why a score?

 

Great review, have to go back an RE-Read to make sure I caught it all. As a solo cruiser it’s my time to turn all the crap off and all my receptors on. Just relax and enjoy!!

Thank you! Before solo traveling, I download a new playlist of songs and only listen to those songs on the trip. Then, when I come home, every time I hear the songs they remind me of that particular cruise. It takes me back...ahhh

 

"What's the point of havin' a rapier wit if I can't use it to stab people?" Jeph JacquesHucifer - It's taken me to page 8 to weigh in - your review is outstanding! Like a mini-series I wait for the next installment to savor. My next cruise (number 8!) is in January - reading reviews helps me mentally prepare for the pain and suffering I must endure while sailing pointlessly through the azure waters of the tepid Caribbean. Thank you for your review!

Another quote! Very nice. I approve. Although, admittedly, I've never heard of Jeph Jacques. Is he Chinese?

THIS WILL BE YOUR EIGHTH CRUISE??? Wow, you've been on a lot of cruises! Are you like, Platinum or something? [revered admiration]

Thank you for your compliment! That is very nice to read.

 

Oh my,... I'll have to read the next post with my hands over my ears...

Awww...then you'll miss the best parts.

[Memsailor]

Thank you! Before solo traveling, I download a new playlist of songs and only listen to those songs on the trip. Then, when I come home, every time I hear the songs they remind me of that particular cruise. It takes me back...ahhh

 

 

 

I have hours of Jimmy Buffet tunes. They keep me in Pirate mode even though the cannons don’t thunder and there is nothing to plunder.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Forums

[JJSMaine]

 

 

Thank you sir. What am I doing January 2019....hmmm...

[consults crystal ball]

Crabbing about our bitter Michigan winter? Wishing I was on the Sarcasm Ship? Details are fuzzy.

 

 

 

Seriously... we should build our own singles cruise of CC junkies... I would envision lots of laughing... bring the child with... he can learn about NYC and what Mom looks like the morning after chasing pool boys around... :P

[JJSMaine]

"Great minds think alike, but then again..... so do idiots!"

 

To be used at just the right moment!

[maynard123]

"Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever." - Napoleon Bonaparte / Jeffrey Paul "Jeph" Jacques is an American cartoonist who writes and draws the webcomics Questionable Content, Alice Grove, and DORD. Hello Hucifer! Hmm - it seems I read somewhere that THIS is your eighth cruise and you are Platinum going on Emerald. I have the same condition. I keep cruising until I get it right. Evidently there is a steep learning curve, or I am quite slow. Pardon me while i comb my eyebrows while I wait for your next installment.

[gailforce2000]

DAY 2, part 1: I FIND THE FUTURE MR. HUCIFER

 

 

 

“I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders.”

 

--Dave Attell

 

 

 

I’m on page 8 and just getting to Day 2? Are you still with me? Jeeze, you people either are gluttons for punishment, completely bored, or can’t look away from the accident that is my trip report. In any case, I don’t know whether to applaud you or apologize for sticking with it. So thank you. And I’m sorry.

 

 

 

Onward…

 

 

 

I decide to try breakfast at the Park Café. Let me sum up what I thought of it in one word:

 

 

 

Ehhh.

 

 

 

Not the cornucopia of choices here, my friend. I am able to find an egg and sausage sandwich though, so it satisfied the need. Not awesome. But passable. Because I love Central Park so much, I walk outside with my sandwich and decaf coffee to enjoy the ambience of fake bird chirps.

 

 

 

Right here I have to stop and say, yes. I drink decaf. All this energy and sass [points to self] comes naturally, people. I feel like I need to explain because people apparently think this is weird. I get a lot of crap like, “Coffee without caffeine? What’s the point?” And I say, “I happen to like the taste?” But naysayers are everywhere, and they can’t imagine why anyone would drink coffee unless they had to.

 

 

 

All I can say is, it’s a good thing that I put the food and drink down on the table before I sat down, otherwise they would have been all over me. The cushioned chairs out there are LOW. Like, down to the ground low. Much lower than they appear to the unsuspecting eye. So low, in fact, that your chin will be level with the table and you’ll feel like a toddler eating at a grown-up table without a booster seat. I grossly miscalculate the distance between rear and cushion and I about fall backwards when I sit down. I land with an umph.

 

 

 

[casually look around to see if anyone saw]

 

 

 

After breakfast, it’s time to do something that is LONG OVERDUE: find the sea. If you remember, we shoved off at 5:30 the evening before, which was when I showed up for dinner. By the time the meal was over, it was too dark to see anything. And on this ship…if you have an interior2 cabin [patooey!], the places to actually view the surroundings are quite limited. I have to make an effort every day to see water. This is one of my biggest Allure complaints.

 

 

 

 

The sea! At long last...the SEA.

 

 

 

 

 

Speaking of complaining…when I got off the ship on day 8 I had NO SEA LEGS. I never knew how much I would miss the rocking feeling that stays with you after disembarkation. Barely felt the ship move at all this week. For those with motion sickness, I’m sure it’s a blessing. But I actually like being conscious of being on a boat: unintentionally catching ocean views from walking past a window, or being rocked to sleep in your cabin. While The Beast is a contemporary wonder, there are some basic things that she doesn’t have which I love about cruising.

 

 

 

So I am enjoying the morning and sniffing a little sea air when a text comes in. Yes, you read that right. A TEXT.

 

 

 

[raised eyebrow, gaping mouth, sudden coughing fit]

 

 

 

You have GOT to be kidding me!

 

 

 

Nope. Not kidding. I stare at my phone. This text is not just from anyone. It’s from my BOSS. I am in a momentary panic because I think…did I forget to put this phone on airplane mode? Am I fired? No, I am not fired and no, the little airplane symbol is displayed on top of my phone. So how in the name of all that’s holy did I get a text? And from HIM, of all people? While I am momentarily freaking out about this, he had written, “I can’t remember if Mexico is one of your stops, but if you are scheduled to stop there, there is a travel advisory against it and I hope you will not be getting off the ship.”

 

 

 

Wait. What?

 

 

 

[sudden burst of uncontrolled laughter]

 

 

 

We’ll just pretend that I didn’t see that text until I get back to Lauderdale.

 

 

 

[crumples text and tosses overboard, walking away, casually whistling tune]

 

 

 

After I recover from my impromptu emotional outburst, it’s time for the Welcome Back thingee. For those in the know, it’s for Platinum [patooey!] and above, so I was totally invited. The best part about this event? FREE BOOZE. “I’ll take two Mimosas. The other is for my friend who isn’t here but will be coming and will be thirsty and very happy that I grabbed one for her. I’m super thoughtful that way.” Because no one is going to believe that a hot chick like me came on this ship alone.

 

 

 

 

Before.

 

 

 

 

After.

 

 

 

The event begins and Captain Stubing introduces himself and his crew. My favorite crewmembers were the naked ones who performed tricks for us. Was hoping that they were going to ask for a female volunteer from the audience to wipe up their sweat with either a towel or her tongue, her choosing. But no such luck. I may never cruise on this ship again with all its disappointments.

 

 

 

 

I choose...tongue.

 

 

 

 

Definitely tongue again, but I may need some assistance.

 

 

 

I also attend the Meet and Greet. Actually, that happened before the Welcome Back thingee. Geeze, I have SO MANY personal invitations to things that I just can’t keep them straight. The event is interesting in the fact that I would pretty much not run into any of these people around the ship for the rest of the week, and the point of these is to make the ship a little smaller by meeting folks. And here’s a funny contrast: at home I tell people that this is my eighth cruise and they’re all, “Your EIGHTH cruise? Wow you take a lot of cruises!” And I’m all, yeah. Look at me, the cruising expert. I’m PLATINUM. And then I watch them marvel at my Platinum-ness. The ignorant fools.

 

 

 

Then I go on Cruise Critic or meet folks on the ship who have taken a thousand cruises. My Platinum-ness [patooey!] suddenly becomes a big embarrassment as I revere the Diamond, Diamond-Plus, and Pinnacle people around me. But everyone is really nice at the event and no one shames my Crown and Anchor status. At least not to my face.

 

 

 

Prizes are awarded. I don’t win. I return to my inferior interior2 cabin empty-handed.

 

 

 

I drag my rear into the Champagne Bar, where the solo lunch meet starts. There are only two others: a very young fresh-out-of-college girl named Erin who is staying with her brother and his family on the ship on the 17th deck (I didn’t even know The Beast HAD cabins on the 17th deck), and a fifty-something divorced man named Frank or Steve or Bob or something who is vacationing on casino comps and is here with other casino folks. This isn’t my first solo luncheon, so the low number didn’t surprise me. A crewmember walks us to the Silk dining room and sits us at a large table with three other couples, all of which were way cooler than the couple that sit at my dinner table. Conversation goes well enough, but the three of just don’t have enough in common to continue socializing after lunch. Frank/Steve/Bob’s eyes keep licking me up and down throughout the lunch, so the sooner I finish this delicious build-your-own-pasta dish and run from the table, the better. I mention to the other two that I like how The Beast actually has digital clocks in the rooms. Frank/Steve/Bob’s eyes darted momentarily away from my legs to look me in the eyes and say, “I know, but the clock is downstairs, and my bed is upstairs, so I can’t see it when I’m in bed.”

 

 

 

[blinks]

 

 

 

So if I didn’t already feel steerage enough with my interior2 cabin, I’m dining with 17th-deck, superior ocean-view, multistory cabin dwellers. Like Fat Albert dining with Mariah Carey and Thurston Howell.

 

 

 

After lunch, the Sexiest Man Alive contest is scheduled to begin at the Aqua Theatre. I take a seat in the hot sun and patiently wait for the young eye candy to make appearances.

 

 

 

And then I saw him. Robo. He is working with Grant, the activities manager, to collect names for the contest. He’s from Mexico and is the sexiest thing I’ve seen with a clipboard and sunglasses since Bubbles.

 

 

 

[Robo casually looks around the audience and suddenly locks eyes with me. Tchaikovsky's Romeo & Juliet Overture swells while Robo and I stare at each other. He drops his clipboard, throws off his sunglasses, then runs toward me in slow motion.]

 

 

 

So I stare at Robo while I wait for the contest to begin. It starts late because they can’t get enough contestants to sign up. And that makes me very sad. But eventually a few men sign up. And when Grant asks for female volunteers to judge the contest, I am screaming Robo’s name and waving my arms frantically to get called. Nope. Rejected like Walter Mondale in a Presidential election. Apparently boring my eyes at Robo while saliva dribbles down my chin is an undesirable quality for judging this event.

 

 

 

The contest is fun. I enjoy watching the men wiggle around and do their best to convince the judges that they should win. Of particular note is the young man who brought a rubber horse head mask to the contest and danced Gangnam style. Maybe not the sexiest, but definitely portrayed the best personality. And, let’s be honest, personality IS sexy.

 

 

 

 

Gangnam guy doing his thing. Robo (sigh) is behind the judges.

 

 

 

When the contest is over and we all funnel out of the theatre, Robo is at the top of the stairs. As I pass him I say, “I have to tell you. You are extremely hot.”

 

 

 

Robo is taken by surprise but thanks me and says, “If you want to see more of me, I’ll be wearing very little and playing volleyball in the sports pool later today.” A personal invite to see a nearly-naked Robo? OMG.

 

 

 

[bites lip]

 

 

 

And while he does seem genuinely flattered that an old woman like me thinks he’s hot, he does not drop his clipboard or even remove his sunglasses.

 

 

 

That’s okay. I have six more days to win you over, Robo.

 

 

 

[maniacal laugh]

 

 

 

 

 

UP NEXT: THE CLOSEST I COME TO HAVING SEX

 

 

 

You are adorable!!! Keep it up

 

 

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