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Live From The Noordam With Tomc

tomc

By tomc,
in Holland America Line

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tomc

tomc

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Tell me was that closet of yours GTY or did you just spring for it and forget the expenses?
I went wild with an unexpected windfall, called my TA and said, "The sky's the limit." She said, "The cloud level is low today." That's how I got a 9x18 room to share with a total stranger. 162 square feet, *before* they put in the furniture, bath, closets, etc. I think the federally-mandated minimum for prisoners is 10x20.

 

Tonight, I spent time teaching one Lido steward what the expression "RSVP" stood for, in French and English. This came about after we talked about the charter by Olivia in the next berth and one of them mentioned the RSVP agency. Then Pied Piper came up, the cruise agency, and I told them about the original legend, although I don't know what that has to do with a gay agency.

 

After that, I tried to teach them how to make palm farts, but they weren't able to do it.

 

Then, further down the Lido, a waiter got some paper and asked me to draw a map of the New England states, along with New York, New Jersey and Pennsylvania, including Philly, Syracuse, Staten Island and Albany.

 

I warmed up my tea and *finally* sat down to do some reading.

 

Oh, I also used my rubber cockroach a couple of times with the waiters, once in the dining room and once or twice in the Lido tonight.

 

This report came to you live from the Noordam.

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BeenAround

BeenAround

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Well Tom, your description of tonights events surpassed everything I would have imagined being a fun time but you passed that for sure tonight. The palm fart lessons are something I would like to forget yet somehow I cannot remove the picture from my mind. LOL.

Do you think I need a list of things to bring along?

Also I have heard that there are roaming packs of scooter gangs. Have you seen any of this? Are they different gangs for different floors?

Please keep up the first class postings as they are much appreciated by everyone.

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Frick_&_Frack

Frick_&_Frack

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I went wild with an unexpected windfall, called my TA and said, "The sky's the limit." She said, "The cloud level is low today." That's how I got a 9x18 room to share with a total stranger. 162 square feet, *before* they put in the furniture, bath, closets, etc. I think the federally-mandated minimum for prisoners is 10x20.

 

TomC - I have it on good authority (from an ex-Prison Guard) that on Rikers Island, the old cells were 6 x 8 with 2 persons and the new are 6 x 10 with one person per cell (and that's due to rioting at the prison).

 

Maybe if you start a riot, they'll give you your own room??? ;) :D

 

Have a great cruise!!!

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tomc

tomc

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First, to the questions:

 

F&F-- My roomie and I had a terrible fight last night. Each of us hauled off to smash the other, but hurt our elbows on the side walls when we put our arms back to strike. So we said, "The **** with it," shook hands (there's room enough for that) and went our ways. It's like that scene in the ocean liner cabin with the Marx Brothers.

 

FreeStyleNCL-- Did we have a vote allowing you on this board? :D By "internet cafe," do you mean the bar? The internet manager is a guy; I'll check to see who is tending the bar, assuming that's what you mean, and get back later. I really haven't noticed, but I've written a reminder to myself.

 

BeenAround-- Scooter gangs? Remember that movie, "The Wild Bunch," with Marlon Brando? That's about the level of terror on the ship at this point. We've had two old ladies taken off by MediVac with broken bones, one guy was walking around last night with tire track marks on his shirt and I personally witnessed the CD push some old geezer off his scooter and take off at max speed shouting, "Whoooopeeeeee!!!" You know those nail strips the staties lay out on the highways to stop high-speed chases? The Security Officer put one out near the Atrium on deck three and flattened some guy's scooter tires.

 

This post has come to you live from a cheap internet cafe on Dominica.

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tomc

tomc

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At the start of the cruise, I thought I was the youngest person on board. Not so, it turns out; very much not so. There is a cutie with two young kids and (unfortunately, drat it) a husband. We seem to have maybe a half-dozen of the younger crowd and some have kids of varying ages. I don't see any teens on board; the oldest is, I think, eleven and desperately needs to modify his diet. Sad. We were talking about it at supper last night.

 

People were walking around with pineapples last night, during and after the bbq, sipping on straws. Anybody know what these might be? Aside from expensive, that is.

 

The 9:25am Report: A rainbow off the stern, very nice, framing some rust bucket of a freighter. If you didn't look closely, it was a very nice photo op. One or two tables away was a family with a young (4 y/o?) girl facing away from the window. I went over and told her about it, as she probably hasn't seen too many of them. The conversation went something like this:

Me: Hon, there's a nice rainbow right behind us.

Mom: Don't let him touch you; I bet it's all a ploy.

Dad: What's your game, mister?

Me: A colorful rainbow, that's all.

Mom: That's a code word the gays use. Remember that ship yesterday?

Dad: The one with the rainbow flag? Yeah. THOSE people.

Me: It's just a rainbow; your daughter is missing it.

Mom: You want to change her into one of those Dorothy people.

Dad: Let's go outside and talk about this.

Me: We're at sea; there's no place to talk except overboard.

Dad: Exactly.

Girl: Mommy! Look at the rainbow! It's beautiful!

Mom: Don't look, it's dangerous. This man is a pervert.

Me: It's just a colorful rainbow. She's not going to turn into anything.

Dad: I'm calling Security. Anyone shows my girl a rainbow is up to no good.

Me: Forget it; only the CC's would believe this.

Dad: WHAT ARE CC's, you molester?

 

We saw some lights in the sky while eating in the Lido. Sharp, unmoving, just hanging there. A little bit scary, until you realized they are nothing more than a reflection of the ceiling lights.

 

Well, we saw a few women in head-to-toe burkas (burqas) today. Spooky. They walked around together, very silently. Then they turned around and I realized it was only a bunch of nuns in traditional habits.

 

This post came to you live from the same little joint in Dominica.

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tomc

tomc

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Drew, the CD, announced that people should not crowd around the gangway, as we had not yet been cleared by the authorities and this might hold us up even more.

 

Later on, we were talking and he said that wasn't quite accurate. Here's what really happened and why there was a small gray, what I assume was a police boat next to us. (I assume it was a police boat because it had those two flashing blue lights you see on unmarked police cars and this was, likewise, unmarked.)

 

Cop: Where's the fire, captain?

Cap't: I wanted to dock and be cleared by 11:30.

Cop: You were approaching the island a bit fast; you could have caused an accident.

Cap't: What? We're the only ship for miles.

Cop: Doesn't matter. Even if our supplies are delivered by seagull, laws are laws. And you're right, we haven't seen a ship since the last time you were here a few days ago.

Cap't: This is silly.

Cop: I'd like to see your license, registration and insurance card, please.

Cap't: I'd like to see your town if we stopped coming here.

Cop: Ok, bud. I'll let you go this time. But first I'd have to inspect your Lido restaurant.

Cap't: My pleasure.

Cop: Are you carrying any liquor?

Cap't: The best. My cabin or yours?

 

This absolutely true conversation came to you live from the police boat in Dominica Harbor.

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ger_77

ger_77

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After that, I tried to teach them how to make palm farts, but they weren't able to do it.

 

Oh my gosh Tom, you absolutely slay me! Maybe the "rainbow girl's" parents would have appreciated you more if you could have shown their dear daughter how to make palm farts.:D

I'm lovin' this cruise - thanks for letting me tag along.

Smooth Sailing! :) :) :)

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SeaMatesNYC

SeaMatesNYC

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Well, we saw a few women in head-to-toe burkas (burqas) today. Spooky. They walked around together, very silently. Then they turned around and I realized it was only a bunch of nuns in traditional habits.

 

Stowaways from the Zuiderdam, perhaps? A group of Sicilian nuns, having been confused by the charter by Olivia and what they assumed would be a convent-like, all female environment?

 

"Saint Olivia was, according to legend, the beautiful daughter of a noble Sicilian family. She is supposed to have lived in the 9th century. When she was 13 years old she was kidnapped by Muslims and taken as a slave to Tunis. Impressed by her virtue and beauty her abductors permitted her to live as a hermitess in a cave.

 

However, after she began to perform miracle cures on the local sick, many Muslims converted to Christianity. Consequently she was imprisoned and tortured. She was sentenced to be burnt to death, but the flames would not touch her. The Muslims then decapitated her, which finally killed her.

Before 1624 Palermo had four patron saints, one for each of the four major parts of the city. They were Saint Agatha, Saint Christina, Saint Nympha, and Saint Olivia.

 

Saint Olivia is the patron saint of music, and her feast day is June 10."

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hammybee

hammybee

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People were walking around with pineapples last night, during and after the bbq, sipping on straws. Anybody know what these might be? Aside from expensive, that is.

 

Just so long as they were not wearing those pineapples on their head.....:p

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the2ofus

the2ofus

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Tom,your posts always bring a smile to my face. What a gift to be able to see the possibility for humor in everyday things. Keep up the great posts. If you ever publish a book of your anecdotes I'll be first in line to buy it.

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tomc

tomc

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No Joke Department:

 

I was walking to the internet cafe in town and, on my way back, almost got run over by a motorcycle careening down the sidewalk. No "Sorry, mon," nothing. Then, later, while on a visit to a local school, I was returning and found the same driving practices I've seen before and earlier in the day: On a narrow, winding street, the speed limit is however far down your gas pedal goes. Also, pedestrians and chickens better get out of the way, 'cuz there is room for parked cars, the traveling car and about two inches on either side.

 

FreeStyleNCL:

 

I ran into Kelly at the library desk. When I mentioned your name, her face lit up. I want to make it clear that she was not lit, just that her face lit up. She also got a dreamy, far-away look in her eyes and seemed to pay no attention to what I was sayng, just mumbling something about doing it free style. I decided to explore no further...

 

* *

 

The engines started up at one point, I think while I was in the Lido, and I mentioned to a guy at the table that we were leaving the island. As we started pulling away, he said, "No; we don't leave for another half hour." I decided that discretion was the better part of everything, especially better than referring to him as a bodily orifice and saying, "Ok, we're not leaving; the island is slowing moving toward Africa and we are staying put."

 

The Royal Bank of Canada has a branch right down near the dock. You'd think there would be a Royal Bank of Roseau in Toronto, but apparently not. Even a little kiosk in the lobby with a couple of Carribean dollars in a drawer would at least be a symbolic reciprocation.

 

This report has come to you live from the Noordam.

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tomc

tomc

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FreeStyleNCL -- I meant to say "Kyle."

 

I was up on the Sky Deck, or whatever they call it these days. I think it's the "Observation Deck," and you should have seen what I observed! hoo-HAH!

 

Anyway, there was a couple there who I've met several times and we pulled up those plastic-laced recliners and looked at the stars late in the evening. Apparently, they left at some point and when I came to, I also left. Actually, I could have stayed there all night; the temp was just right, there was a soft ocean breeze and nobody to bother me -- with the possible exception of Security, if they came around to check. ("Ok, pops, time to move on. Let's get going there; give you a hand. Got any relatives who can take you home? Any i.d.? Let me smell your breath.")

 

I think we're headed toward St. Vincent and the Grenadine Syrup. From what I understand, this is a new one for the Noordam; others reading can correct me if I'm wrong -- and that's one thing I know will happen, as sure as God created little green men in flying saucers.

 

Speaking of which, I saw a shooting star last night. This is a great place to spot them, as it is so dark here. I do wish they would not have lights on the Observation Deck (just about 4 or 6 at deck level), as total darkness would be much better for star watching or anything else that might come to mind on a perfectly dark deck of a cruise ship in the middle of the night on a warm Caribbean cruise. They could always name the kid Hal.

 

This post has come to you live from the Noordam.

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