Advice on how to deal with a travel partner w/limitations

[ellasabe]

Seeking advice and suggestions.

 

We used to be avid cruisers/travelers and then Covid hit. During the past few years my husband's health has deteriorated, but because he has been in a safe 'bubble' of our 1-story home and flat neighborhood for the past 4 years, his shortcomings and limitations weren't very obvious. Now we are resuming travel. We just completed a TATL cruise and spent 2 weeks on land in Europe. What a learning curve!

 

My husband is 77 and walks slowly, stiffly. His reflexes are slow. He has balance issues and despite excellent vision he doesn't seem to notice trip hazards, broken pavement, steel pipes sticking out of the ground, etc. Also, we discovered he has a terrible time with stairs, which made our stay in Europe extremely challenging. What my husband prefers is that we link arms and I act as his "eyes and ears", continually narrating as we go. "Watch out for the curb, step up a few inches, now go around that crack, we'll be preparing to cross soon when this last car goes by..." He refuses to use a cane or rollator/walker. I'm 63 and still nimble

 

It's very, very tiring for me. My mouth gets dry from constantly narrating. I am always on alert; on multiple occasions it became evident that my husband wasn't going to make it into the elevator on time, so I would have to yank/push him forcefully so he wouldn't get banged by the doors. Escalators proved a challenge and I ended up always scouting for elevators, anywhere, everywhere. He had a couple of minor injuries (cuts) due to being too slow with closing doors. 

 

In summary, I returned to the US exhausted. As I'm sitting here trying to plan our next cruise I am realizing how limited we are. No river cruises, which is what we were focusing on. No cruises with extensive walking, no stairs, few cobblestones, little traffic. Big coaches (buses) with steep stairs are out of the question. 

 

For those of you who have traveled with a partner in this situation - or you, yourselves are like this - what workarounds did you utilize? Did you find certain places or methods that worked better than others? 

 

 

[FOPMan]

One adapts. A much greater amount of planning is often required.

[kokopelli-az]

I'm in a very similar situation as yours.  Cruises have been a God send.   We almost always take cruises that leave from Florida (Fort Lauderdale in particular).   However, other ports in the United States would no doubt be much the same as Fort Lauderdale but that's where we like to cruise from.   We take 4-5 cruises a year and have been to practically every Caribbean island.  We were lucky that we began cruising in 1990 when my husband was mobile because we went everywhere on the islands.  Now, mostly, we stay on the ship at port stops.   We don't miss getting off the ship; however, we usually get off at least on one or two of the stops that we know are easy and have things to see or do close to the ship.  We aren't the only ones staying on the ship at port stops; there are quite a few people on board while everyone else has gone ashore.  

 

My husband uses a walker around the house.   He cannot walk or stand very long.  He also has a transport chair he uses for anywhere he has to walk very far (like a doctor's appointment).  We take the transport chair to the airport and the "pushers" at the airport will push him from the ticket counter all the way to the door of the plane.   We then gate check (leave it outside the door to the plane) his transport chair and it is brought back to us at either our connecting flight or final destination.  Since he has a transport chair, I'm the one who does the pushing most of the rest of the time.  On the ship, now, this is a different story.   He rents a mobility scooter that is waiting in our stateroom for him.   He is like a free bird as soon as he gets on the scooter.   I think that's his main reason for cruising!   He has so much freedom and it frees me up to not have to push him around the ship.   Ships are huge and if you get off at a port, there are often docks that are very, very long.   

 

If you want to take a shore excursion, look for ones that are for wheelchair users.  There usually aren't that many of these excursions offered but it's worth a look.   And there are private excursions, also, that can offer a vehicle he can get into (no steps).  Even taxis offer tours.  The other part of this is that you have to get from the ship to where the vehicle is for the tour.   

 

At the bare minimum maybe your husband could try out a rollator (for starters).  And consider a wheelchair/transport chair for longer journeys.  Or a scooter (they can be rented for the cruise).  

 

River cruises are not recommended for people with mobility issues.   

 

Oh, you can tell your cruise line that he will be needing wheelchair assistance (it is for embarkation and debarkation only).  The ship will have wheelchair pushers (their employees) specifically for this purpose.  You use the ship's wheelchairs (unless you have your own but you can still have one of the pushers push your personal wheelchair).   The pusher will take you from where you enter the terminal (tell the first employee you see that you need a wheelchair - they will tell you where to go) all the way to any public area inside the ship (or your room, if it is available).   Once the pusher gets you to where you want to go inside the ship, they will leave with the wheelchair.  

 

You might look for cruises that do not have tender ports (where you board a boat to take you from the ship to the dock).  If there are tender ports, you can make a decision to stay on board at these stops.  

 

Also you might consider an accessible stateroom.   They have lots of grab bars in the bathroom and a walk-in shower (with a shower chair).   These staterooms go fast.  

 

Report back on which cruise line or ship you are considering.   Many folks on this board are in the same situation and will have plenty of feedback about your itinerary and port stops.  Each cruise line has a section on their website addressing accessibility and mobility issues.  

 

You will learn what works for your situation but for the most part, cruise ships are perfect for those with mobility issues.   

[katisdale]

I had polio as a child and completely recovered - or so I thought. As I aged I became increasingly less mobile. I love to travel and did so for many years using one cane and my husband's arm for balance. I truly did not realize how difficult this made my husband's travel. My daughter had a "come to Jesus" meeting with me pointing out that I was not paying attention to how my trouble affected him. I was creating difficulty for him by pulling him off balance although he never fell thank goodness. I suggest your husband meet with a physical therapist and have his gait assessed. That was quite a revelation to me and cut down on my hesitance in using aids. I have progressed from cane to walker to rollator to scooter and now use a wheelchair. I still LOVE to travel and my husband and I are both safer. 

[Bob++]

I think you will have to get him some wheels. From your description, I suspect that he is't in control enough to manage by himself, so you should look for a lightweight folding powered chair that can be controlled from behind.

 

I say powered because pushing a manual chair is not easy (I know from experience). River cruising may be okay for you because many boats have lifts, although not to the top deck. The big advantage is that there are no big cruise ports with shuttle buses to negotiate.

 

 

 

 

[Dunchues]

I feel for you, my dad had a similar attitude to your husband. He didn't realize how his selfish behavior made my mums life so difficult and as his mobility declined so sadly increasing dementia prevented him from acting as he normally would have if it could have been explained to him.  In my opinion your husband just has to change his attitude to accommodate you a bit, and I'd say a rollator is the best way. Scooters are great, but you can't really assist up kerbs etc and they're not as easy to fold and move around. They travel easily on planes and ships and don't take a lot of getting used to, maybe your doctor or someone similar could convince him to try one out? I wish we'd tried that route, although late in life it was almost a blessing my dad couldn't get around as he'd definitely have wandered off somewhere dangerous. 

[HopefulCruiser123]

I am married to a paraplegic who uses a manual wheelchair.  I remember early in our dating life, we'd experienced a particularly challenging night at a hotel that was billed as accessible, but really wasn't.   We both got a good taste at what life would look like if we ended up staying together.  He told me the next morning that "yes, I am limited, and if you stick with me you'll find that you are limited too".   I never looked back. 

 

There probably isn't a person that has seen some of our difficulties that has not suggested that he might want to get an powerchair.  The mere suggestion is a conversation killer with him.  I get it.  It's human nature that once you give up to convenience some ability that you have, you typically don't go back and reclaim that ability.  We have a very ambitious cruise/land/cruise trip planned for Europe next year.  There are a few adaptive devices, like the Free Wheel for his chair, that he has compromised and acquired for this trip.  I tend to look a lot like a pack mule when we travel and I try to work out to stay fit so that I can handle the burden.  

 

I concur with Ko-Kopelli-AZ who suggested renting a scooter while onboard.  He can use it as he wants or leave it behind if he doesn't.  Either way, I hope you both are able to continue traveling and enjoying all the world has to offer.  

[Sail and Relax]

If you have the strength to push, a wheelchair would work great for your husband.  We have been cruising since 2000 but in 2022 I started using a wheelchair.  With the wheelchair we have cruised to Australia/Sydney and Asia, all 60 days or more cruises.  It also depends on what cruise line you travel; some are more accommodating than others.  HAL has been our choice for individuals with mobility issues.  We don't take excursion from the ship.  We take private tours for just the 2 of us, usually on Tours by Locals or Viator.  We have found that we see more and don't have to worry about climbing in/out of buses and competing with other individuals on a rush to see sites. 

[cinderellen]

Ellesabe, thank you for sharing how you feel. It’s really brave of you to put yourself out there. My husband and I love cruising, our first was in 2005 for our 25th anniversary. Our next cruise, July 5, will be number 20 I think. He was diagnosed with Parkinson’s a few years ago so it can be a little difficult on the partner. I do hope you can convince him to get a device that allows both of you to better enjoy your vacations. I’ve been able to come to terms with the fact that I can’t do everything. I arrange for as much assistance as I can. Transport at the airport, priority boarding, scooter on the ship, etc. I have found the staff on the ship goes out of their way to be helpful. Hope you are able to work things through. Ellen 

[mark46]

My wife likes renting a scooter.  We really couldn't cruise without it.

 

However, she still has trouble either leaving the room and operating elevators without me.  How can she have more independence?  Fo example, how can she operate elevators?

 

She can get up and walk with a cane.

 

[kokopelli-az]

21 hours ago, mark46 said:

For example, how can she operate elevators?

 

Can she get up enough to lean over and push the elevator button?   If there are other passengers on the elevator, ask someone to push the floor number she wants.  We don't typically do this if other passengers are on the elevator (unless there are just 2-3 others on the elevator), but it's handier to back onto the elevator because of easier access to the buttons and easier to get out when she gets to her floor (because she can see if anyone waiting for the elevator is in her way).  If there are too many other people on the elevator so safely back in, just wait for another one. 

 

Another idea is an elevator button pushing stick.  

 

Here's one that can be made for her:  https://www.instructables.com/The-Incredible-Amazing-Stick-For-elevator-buttons/

 

[happy42cruise]

To  ellasabe, please have a serious conversation with your husband about using some kind of mobility device, preferably an electric one before you get hurt.  My husband also resisted any kind of device but finally we got a scooter, now he has an electric wheelchair. If you stay with manual devices you will be pushing up inclines or holding on for declines. He will have much more independence with a scooter or electric wheelchair.  For elevators I always go in 1st & hold the door open button or put my hand on the door to hold it open for him to come in.  I also defend the elevator space from the people who ignore the fact he needs more room in the elevator.  Both our scooter & wheelchair have manual modes so I can push him if needed. If your husband trips or stumbles you will try to keep him from falling (it's instinctive) & you might both fall & be injured. If you get hurt then you are both in trouble.  There are many assistive devices that can make both your lives easier, keep asking questions on sites like this & keep traveling!  We have taken 2 cruises this year already & have 2 more planned.

[kokopelli-az]

8 hours ago, happy42cruise said:

I also defend the elevator space from the people who ignore the fact he needs more room in the elevator. 

Isn't that the truth.   Sometimes when we have been waiting forever for an elevator, I semi-block the elevator door when it opens (of course this only works if we are next to an empty or near-empty elevator that opens) and politely ask those trying to get on to please allow the wheelchair (or scooter or walker) to board.   People always step back and kindly allow us to board.  Many people are truly oblivious to those using mobility devices.  

 

Typically the passengers most aware of mobility issues in others are those who themselves or those who have been with loved ones who need extra assistance.  They have much more awareness.  

Edited July 3 by kokopelli-az

[DRS/NC]

On 5/25/2024 at 7:22 PM, katisdale said:

 As I aged I became increasingly less mobile. I l. I truly did not realize how difficult this made my husband's travel. My daughter had a "come to Jesus" meeting with me pointing out that I was not paying attention to how my trouble affected him. I was creating difficulty for him by pulling him off balance although he never fell thank goodness.

There is so much good advice on this thread!, Elsabe!  As I read, I was waiting to see someone say what my NC neighbor said: a "come to Jesus" meeting with me pointing out that I was not paying attention to how my trouble affected him.   We w/mobility issues often don't want to address the issue, esp. w/a mobility device.

 

I've been cruising for 50+ years.  Since 2012, I've mostly been solo.  When I realized (c. 2017) that I couldn't cruise w/o "help" I looked at my options. First I took my rollator but quickly moved on to a rented scooter.  FREEDOM (mostly; my daughter sets the speedometer at TURTLE on the scooter).

 

Please consider asking your husband's doctor or a physical therapist to discuss w/him how dangerous his denial of the issues is to BOTH of you.  If you have adult children, they might work w/you & the professionals on this,  You may have to get tough (hard to do) & refuse to travel until he faces the obvious & agrees to mobility tools!

 

Good Luck!

[casaloma]

I realized I needed a scooter when vacations just weren't any fun anymore.  I have very poor lungs and am constantly coughing, out of breath etc. with any exertion.  I can stand and walk for short distances, which does make the scooter much easier.  

 

But once I got the scooter, there was no looking back.  We've been all over the world with it.  

 

I know this doesn't work for everyone but if I'm on my own and the elevator comes, I get on and, if I'm alone, I turn the scooter around so I'm facing out (hate to back up blind), hit the button and I'm off.  With people in the elevator, they have always been very kind about pushing the button I need and holding the elevator and assisting me off.  There were a few times when me and my husband waited a while for an elevator while dozens of people crowded into them and ignored us, but it was more rare than I had thought.  

 

As others have said, please have a talk with your husband about needing a different kind of assistance.  It's a whole new world when you're not dreading the challenge that travel can be if you're not equipped for it the right way.  

 

My biggest challenge cruisewise has been the carts the staff have out in the hall when doing the rooms.  There is exactly 17" of clearance which, luckily, is what I've got.  But it's quite the tricky production.  

[GoHuskies!]

This thread, “Advice on how to deal with a travel partner w/limitations” on Cruise Critic Disabled Cruise Travel board, has produced a tremendous amount of information and advice, more than any others I’ve seen on this board.  Thank you all.  I think that’s because we with physical limitations are really more concerned with how that impacts our partners, even more than our own choices of how to get around either on our own or with assistance.  I will continue to read what you all have to say. 

[Joanne G.]

I recently returned from a Norway fjords cruise, with pre-cruise time in Edinburgh and London, with a longtime friend who has mobility issues (artificial knees and arthritis everywhere) and deteriorating vision.   Like the @ellasabe's husband, she walks very slowly and has difficulties with stairs.  Due to her poor vision, she often can't read signs, such as those around an airport or in the London tube stations.  I never wanted to get separated from her or leave her alone anywhere other than on the ship.  There were a number of challenges for both of us on this trip.  

 

My suggestion to the OP, assuming she and her husband still want to take big trips, is to consider a cruise to the fjords of Norway.  I actually picked our cruise with her mobility issues in mind, thinking that such an itinerary is about the scenery, which can be enjoyed from a cabin balcony or an open deck.  That turned out to be true.  For ports well into the fjords, the breathtaking scenery goes on for a couple hours while sailing in and out.   We did take excursions in the ports (and had some difficulties keeping up with the pace of the tour guides), but I could envision someone enjoying the views from the ports without getting off the ship at all.  

Sadly, the descriptions for excursions provided by our cruise line (Royal Caribbean) were unhelpful to anyone with mobility issues.   We had two excursions labeled "moderate" activity level.   One included a walking tour on hilly streets that was more than moderate activity in my opinion.  The other was a 4-hour scenic bus ride with only a couple short photo stops that was less than moderate activity in my opinion, resulting maybe in someone thinking it would be too much for them, but it actually wouldn't be.   As others have mentioned, most cruise lines offer excursions specifically for wheelchair passengers, so that could be an option.  Or customized private tours.  

 

In hindsight, I planned too ambitious a trip with the pre-cruise time - too much unpacking and repacking, too many transportation issues, too much handling of our luggage which was hard for her, too much planning what to do and how to get around in Edinburgh and London.   At least when we got off in the ports in Norway, the small towns were generally easier to navigate than the cities we had been in.  I decided after this cruise that getting around the major cities of Europe, on a land vacation or as cruise ports, is just too challenging for me and my friend.   But the Norway fjord itinerary was suitable.

 

Book non-stop flights, if at all possible, rather than anything with layovers - one less airport to navigate. Pack as light as possible to make handling of bags easier.  

 

While one wouldn't want to go to Europe and never leave a hotel room, being on a ship, even if one never gets off, can still be a wonderful vacation. 

 

Best wishes to everyone on future vacations.  

[carol louise]

Some excellent advice already posted here. I will just add a couple general points, having traveled with my late husband whose advanced lung disease made it increasingly difficult to walk any distance, to the point that for the last couple cruises we took together, we used a transport chair. (He didn't like it, but had finally accepted it was necessary.)

 

Most modern cruise ships are very long, like over 1,000 feet. So always leave yourself ample time to get from one venue to another on board ship. Like from a dining room aft to a show lounge after dinner in the forward part of the ship is quite a trek for mobility-challenged passengers.

 

Even if you book a low-activity, sightseeing excursion, be careful regarding the shore excursion instructions. For example, your ticket might say: meet your tour guide on the pier as you exit the ship. Depending on the configuration of the port facilities and which direction the ship docks, this might mean you walk on board all the way forward for the elevators near to the gangway and then back the length of the ship to the end of the pier, maybe turning on an angled extension of the pier, maybe even through the duty-free shops, and outside again before you meet up with the tour guide.  On a cruise with my husband, the shore excursion desk had said it's "right there" when you get off the ship. We were very glad we had the transport chair.

[carol louise]

One more comment: I recommend using a backpack as your carryon. You’ll find it useful to have your hands free—for example, in order to handle your companion’s carryon as well as your own if they use a cane or walker.

[DRS/NC]

On 7/17/2024 at 3:00 PM, carol louise said:

Most modern cruise ships are very long, like over 1,000 feet. So always leave yourself ample time to get from one venue to another on board ship. Like from a dining room aft to a show lounge after dinner in the forward part of the ship is quite a trek for mobility-challenged passengers.

YES!  Most cruise ships are now over 900 ft. long -- that's THREE (American) football fields!  How quickly and/or how often can someone w/mobility issues walk that distance?

 

When I did that math for my own situation, I began renting scooters!  That vehicle I can manage alone, whether I'm traveling solo or w/my "kids".