A little cruise humour...

[ecormier]

Thought this was cute enough to share...

*

An elderly lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.

 

As the bartender gives her the drink, she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today."

 

The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."

 

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink too."

 

The elderly woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."

 

"Coming up," says the bartender.

 

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."

 

The elderly woman says, "Thank you."

 

"Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."

 

"Coming right up," the bartender says.

 

As he gives her the drink he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

 

The woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue.

 

 

 

Cheers, Elizabeth

[Orcrone]

I like that one. People don't post jokes here, I'd like to see more of that. Tomc, where are you?

[tomc]

I'm here. The only cruise joke I know is a HAL joke and a little risque. I'd rather not post it, 'cuz not everybody is into risque jokes. However, send me a message and I'll forward it to you. It's really not bad at all. If I come up with anything for the board, I'll post it.

[dst]

very funny, I like this one......Thanks for posting a laugh instead of something else that could have been posted!

[jasl]

THANKS for sharing this joke, we need more laughter.

[obriendan]

Here's one I enjoyed that was passed to me by email (BTW, we taught at Texas A&M so we are used to Aggie jokes):

 

Texas Quarters

 

Hang on to any of the new State of Texas quarters!!!

 

If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents. The U.S.

Treasury announced today that it is recalling all of the Texas quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state.

 

"We are recalling all the new Texas quarters that were recently issued,"

Treasury Undersecretary Jack Shackleford said Monday.

"This action is being taken after numerous reports that the new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices."

 

The quarters were issued in the order in which the various states joined the union and have been a tremendous success among coin collectors worldwide.

"The problem lies in the unique design of the Texas quarter, which was created by a Texas A&M graduate," Shackleford said. "Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."

[Peggy Sue]

Enjoyed them both! Thanks for the chuckle!

[Thoth]

Thanks for the humor, to both of you!!!

[elmorejj]

Loved the scotch joke, that lady sounds a lot like me!!....jean

[Krazy Kruizers]

:)

 

Loved both jokes.

 

On our last cruise one of our tour guides told us about the scotch lady.

 

Still enjoyed reading it.

 

:)

[imsulin]

Here's one I heard on my last cruise (which just happened to be on HAL):

 

A mid-40's single woman (never been married) was going through the Lido buffet for lunch, and was very careful to fill her plate with fresh fruits, a yummy ham sandwich, steamed vegetables, bread pudding, and iced tea. As she sat down near a window to enjoy her lunch, a VERY drunk gentleman plopped himself down in the chair across from her, and said:

 

"I bet you're single!"

 

The lady was a bit taken aback, because she really hadn't done anything to indicate that she was single.

 

Again, the drunk gent said, "I KNOW you're single!"

 

The lady scanned her plate of food, and nothing on it indicated that she was single.

 

Once more, the soused guy said, "Lady, you MUST be single!"

 

The lady looked at the jewellry she was wearing, and one of the pieces was a pretty gold band on her left ring finger.

 

Again, the sot said, "Lady, believe me! You're SINGLE!"

 

The lady looked at the very nice and appropriate capri pants and matching top and cute sandals she was wearing, and just couldn't figure out why this guy knew she was single! Exasperated, she asked the gentleman just HOW he knew she was single!

 

He replied, "Because you're ugly!"

[DaveEdwards]

This preacher was looking for a good used lawnmower one day. He found one at a yard sale that Little Johnny happened to be manning.

 

"This mower work, son?" the preacher asked.

 

Little Johnny said, "Sure does -- just pull on the cord hard, though."

 

The preacher took the mower home and when he got ready to mow he yanked and pulled and tugged on that cord. Nothing worked. It wouldn't start. Thinking he'd been swindled, he took the mower back to Little Johnny's house. "You said this would work if I pulled on the cord hard enough."

 

"Well," Johnny said, "you need to cuss at it sometimes."

 

The preacher was aghast. "I've not done that in years!"

 

"Just keep yanking on that cord, Preacher. It'll come back to you."