The worst question you've been asked by a tablemate...

[Yellowjacket1]

When trying to start a conversation with other people at our table (or even the person sitting across the aisle from me on the airplane down), I typically explore a lot of areas to seek commonalities. Initially, I'll try to see where the people are from. I travel a great deal in my business and chances are I've been near to where they live. If not, I'll explore sports, children, politics, religion, and a host of other subjects (however, I'll never talk about how much people make). I've never had anyone seem offended. The key to good conversation is to start out with a topic of commonality and then move to other topics where you and the other parties have differences and then hear their stories, their experiences, etc. I don't think it's so much the topic that may offend people, as the way a question or topic is discussed. If the people don't want to continue talking about a certain topic, they're always welcome to change the topic or move to another table.

 

IMHO

 

Steve

[tarbashchaputi]

What an idiot. Cant believe he didnt know that it was the Vietnamese that invaded Pearl Habor......Geeze.....

 

boy I seriously hope this line was a joke......

Brian

[Sea Island Lady]

Yes, it was a joke.

 

SIL you should try it sometime. It's a nice way to see the country and meet some very nice people along the way.

I had to laugh when I read that statement. nosebunny - You have never driven with my DH. No way we would meet anyone along the way, because we don't stop. :D No you know why I insist on flying. ;)

[Dave Hansen]

Isn't it the "7 habits of highly effective people" that talks about asking people WHO they are, and not WHAT they do? I loved that. I sincerely try and say to people "So tell me about yourself". Unfortunately though, 95% of the time, they answer with....I am a...or...I work for....

 

My job (or lack thereof right now) has little to do with who I am. I would love to be one of those lucky few who have a great passion for their careers.[/quote

Lori, What a surprise to see Stephen Covey enter this board. I agree that

it's better to find something out about the people and not their jobs.

I do not tell anyone or hardly ever what I do when we're not on a ship.

QUESTION: What do you do for a living? ANSWERS: It doesn't matter

because I'm not doing it now. I'm a professional passenger. Whatever

you say, just sidestep the occupation questions.

About 4 years ago, we were on the Norwegian Wind. I was passing a

fair part of the afternoon marinating in the whirlpool. A man in the pool

announced that he was a cardioligist. I told that was terrific and

asked his cabin number. He asked why and I said so I can broadcast

it and get passengers to line up outside his door. He seemed a little

stunned and I said do yourself a big favor and don't tell anyone

what you do. If we really love what we do and are compulsive

overworkers, we must take time to forget and let your occupation

be the wake behind the ship for the length of the cruise.

Dave Hansen

[sally r]

We had tablemates on the Monarch that were obviously well to do. She had her own TV show in LA and they were best friends with George and Laura Bush. They were also in their seventies. The first night the gentleman asked me where I bought my outfit. I told him "Nordstrom.com". He then wanted to know how much it cost! I think he was absolutely floored that I had not only bought "off the rack" but off the internet!

 

Every night after that it was the same drill...where did you buy that and how much? It was kinda fun as he was so amazed. I think they were "slumming" for the weekend and he had hit the jackpot with me!

[Merion_Mom]

leejnd4: you explained it all brilliantly.

 

Carol

[beachchick]

With all due respect, BEACHCHICK, "What do you do?" may be the most popular icebreaker out there and the only way you are going to avoid the question is to get a table for two and try to avoid other people.

 

In over twenty cruises on mass market lines I can honestly say we have NEVER been seated with people like those described in this thread. NEVER. If someone's health came up I have never heard anybody ask prying questions or give somebody a "look". In fact, I think 99% of people on a ship want to have a good time and will immediately back off if they sense any discomfort with the question.

 

Most people love to talk about themselves. That's why the question is so popular. BTW, my wife is permanently disabled. She had a double bypass and has an ICD.

 

 

You had said that you felt people here lacked "even the most basic social skills" if they felt uncomfortable with the "what do you do" question. I was responding that this is an unfair and, frankly, unfounded assumption. Just because it may be an extremely common social question doesn't mean that everyone who doesn't care to answer it has no social skills. Considering that your wife has disabilities, I would think you might understand that. And I am happy to hear that you have not encountered some of the things that we have. Believe me, there are countless tactless people out there who are more than happy to pry or treat you like "less than" they are once they learn you are disabled.

 

When we are asked this typical question, we usually respond that we would rather discuss something else (like what the other person does for a living). Most people are fine with that, but there are many who take it as a personal insult or (as you have) think we lack some social skills.

 

I am happy to talk about travel, interests, experiences, family, etc. I do not care to talk about myself regarding my personal health or anything else that personal.

 

beachchick

 

p.s. Why did you "shout" my screen name?

[beachchick]

I know that when someone has a disability, it can be hurtful when someone makes a rude comment. But you know, it's sometimes hard to know what to say sometimes.

 

I really wonder what "the look" is. What is the person thinking when they have "the look"? Maybe they were put into such a position to have such a look.

 

If someone says they have a disability, but they don't state what the disability is, it may seem as though they are begging the question. (Others will assume they are avoiding the question.)

 

Anyway, having a disability can be a touchy area. It is easy to say something to a disabled person, or have a certain facial expression, simply because you are caught off guard. It doesn't mean the person is socially inept.

 

If I was unemployed because I had a disability, and I was sensitive to looks or comments, I would assume a cover job before I went on a cruise. Who is going to know?

-John

 

Wow. I have some questions for you.

 

What exactly is it that you think I might do to put this other person "into such a position to have such a look"? What do you mean by this? The only way I can think of to describe "the look" is "oh, great, we're stuck at this table (or whatever) with someone disabled" as if this is the sum total of our existence. Or "boy do I pity you" (not needed thanks) or "OMG, are you going to tell us the gory details" (not a chance).

 

When asked "what do you do for a living," we usually say "let's talk about what you do..." or "we'd rather discuss something more fun than jobs...." Most of the time this suffices. When pressed, I have responded, "I am now disabled." Yes, sometimes people can be taken aback or not know what to say. I do not believe this makes others socially inept in any way. It's when they then press for details that are none of their business or say "just put your faith in God (can I write that here?) and you will get well" or "I have an XXX who was disabled and she went to an XXX practitioner and is fine now" (this of course is followed with intimate details of the relative or friends disability; kind of like OB nurses having to listen to everyone's "my labor was the worst ever" stories")

 

Which leads me to my next question. Why must I tell people or explain my disability to total strangers? In what way do you feel am I "begging the question"? Why do you feel entitled to an explanation?

 

Last question, (and yes we have thought about this) why should I have to make up a fake job in order to have pleasant dinner conversation on a cruise? Like I said, most of the time just changing the subject is not a problem. We've met some wonderful people on cruises (and elsewhere).

 

beachchick

[smeyer418]

I am curious why you want to sit at a table with other people if you don't want to talk about what you do(whether it is your job or your travel), about "who you are" etc., I always thought that the reason people like to sit at the same table with the same people is to find out, within normal parameters who their table mates were. Yes some questions are out of bonds as being rude but what do you do? is clearly not out of bounds and if you are retired at age 30 people will want to know more about it. Lifetime friendships are not made around answering what you had for breakfast.

[Sea Island Lady]

The first night the gentleman asked me where I bought my outfit.

Sally - Very odd that a man was asking you those questions. Me thinks he had a fetish. :rolleyes:

[harry0]

This thread has been a great read with my Saturday morning coffee.

 

I am not easily offended by questions or statements made by others. This could be due to the fact I have worked construction my whole life. On site lunch conversations are not refined but fun.

 

I am not too upset by the quality of conversation but I do have a problem with the quantity. I have sat with people who are so long winded that I get the "Charlie Brown listening to the teacher syndrome"Blah Blah Blah. For instance, I remember a tablemate who started at the appetizer asking if we saw a certain movie, we did not. She told us about this movie(that I would not have ever watched anyway) for the next few courses. My lovely wife saw the glare in my eyes and used the old"We are too stuffed for dessert trick", and we excused ourselves. For the most part we have always have had great tablemates. Can't wait for 2/12 on the Splendour-Harry

[sailor moon]

We had a health nut at our table who asked me why I used artificial sweetner! He went on to explain (ad nauseum) how I was going to die from all the chemicals they put in the sweetners. There was no other table available to move to so we had to put up with him. I finally lost my cool after day two and told him to shut up and get off my back. Foe the remaining 4 days he picked on the others at the table. :(

[MopedMama]

I guess I've been lucky, my tablemates have never been that bad. Or else I'm just too laid-back to be annoyed by them. I kinda get a kick out of messin' with people that are too serious. I'm a computer network admin too, so I can relate to all the computer questions. Just look at your watch, tell them your rate, and ask will they be paying by check or credit card? ;) I love the sex therapist answer, maybe I'll try that one! :D

 

Probably the most uncomfortable dinner of all my cruises was on my very first one several years ago. We had a table for 8 and already had 6 pretty normal folks seated. Then all the way across the room we saw a glow of orange. It was an elderly lady with WILD colored clothes, jewelry everywhere you could possibly fit an ornament, and her hair dyed ORANGE ORANGE. If you've ever seen "The 5th Element", it was that color orange. It looked horrible on her, so horrible it was like watching a train wreck, you couldn't take your eyes off it. And yep, all that color and sparkle was headed our way. Once she was seated, and we met her, she was pretty normal other than the fact that she was um, colorful. But everyone in the whole dining room stared at her and whispered during the whole dinner. And we couldn't really relax and be comfortable either, we all caught ourselves staring into that mysterious magnetic orange hair...

[Cruiser Forever]

I am curious why you want to sit at a table with other people if you don't want to talk about what you do(whether it is your job or your travel), about "who you are" etc., I always thought that the reason people like to sit at the same table with the same people is to find out, within normal parameters who their table mates were. Yes some questions are out of bonds as being rude but what do you do? is clearly not out of bounds and if you are retired at age 30 people will want to know more about it. Lifetime friendships are not made around answering what you had for breakfast.

 

 

I happen to agree. There is nothing wrong with asking what someone does for a living. What is wrong is asking how much you make. :eek: That is rude and out of line. How else are you going to get to know a little bit about your tablemates. :confused: What stupid questions should we ask? Did you enjoy the weather today? :rolleyes: Did you cut your toe nails this morning. LOL :rolleyes:

[debinnh]

Whew! I just read this board making sure nothing I have ever said at dinner was listed here! I guess I pass :). My DH has a knack for being a conversationalist, being able to strike up a conversation with anyone. I have to listen for a while then I will pipe in. Unfortunely, after a few drinks, I may talk too much. But I've never had anyone leave the table, so I guess my topics of banter have been ok :).

[cruzincurt]

You need to have something to talk about or that dinner really takes a long time. I try to break the silence with some kind of small talk. What are you supposed to do if you are at a table of six with a couple directly across from you? You can't just sit there through dinner without talking.

 

What we now need here is suggestions of what to talk about. Usually the others have cruised before you you can at least talk about past cruises. That should be pretty safe.

 

Our experience being on the last cruise of the Norway when the boiler blew up is usually good for one evening.

[beachchick]

I am curious why you want to sit at a table with other people if you don't want to talk about what you do(whether it is your job or your travel), about "who you are" etc., I always thought that the reason people like to sit at the same table with the same people is to find out, within normal parameters who their table mates were. Yes some questions are out of bonds as being rude but what do you do? is clearly not out of bounds and if you are retired at age 30 people will want to know more about it. Lifetime friendships are not made around answering what you had for breakfast.

 

I'm not sure if this is for me, but I'll answer anyway. We don't care to discuss personal issues or work (obviously). This is not the same as not wanting to discuss anything at all. What activities we enjoy, you bet; travel, absolutely; entertainment and related issues, sure; family, okay. What people do for a living is not "who" they are; it is only part of what they do.

 

Sure, if someone retires at 30 others will want to know more about it, but this does not mean they are entitled to know more about it. If someone says, "I'd rather discuss something else," what is the problem? So are these my choices: no table mates or go to the table looking for lifetime friendships? What's wrong with basically pleasant conversation with no particular goal in mind?

 

beachchick

[bUU]

While I agree that conversation just for conversation's sake is appropriate, discussing employment does seem to be a topic that most folks feel are "in bounds," just as they consider family issues (marriage, children, etc.) to be "in bounds". By the same token, I believe that no one is entitled to answers about such personal issues. Miss Manners would advise to reply with some type of misdirection, but I believe that is dishonest: If you know what the person was asking, I feel you should either answer it or don't; I don't see it as proper to apply misdirection. "I'd rather not discuss it," with a smile should be more than enough to give most reasonable people the hint to move on. If pressed on the issue, I believe it is proper to be curt and direct, rather (again) than being cagy or coy. "Let's talk about something else now."

[debinnh]

As a conversation starter the first night, how about: "I have been sooo looking forward to this cruise. Especially swimming with the stingrays in Grand Cayman. Do you have any plans? or, have you been to any of the ports, what was your favorite thing to do?...." You get the idea. Once you become friendlier the more personal questions such as those about where are you from or what do you do may seem more appropriate. This thread has me thinking about how to start a conversation on board, be it at dinner, at a lounge, in a line somewhere, etc.

[KamloopsCruisers]

Our first cruise and first night in the dining room. We were travelling with our DD who was 14. RCCL kindly placed us with another couple, travelling also with their 14 year old daughter. Initially I thought - this is perfect - how nice of RCCL to place us with another teenage daughter. WRONG! This couple also had two sons (16 & 17) if I remember. Sons weren't taken on cruises because "boys will be boys" and they didn't feel they deserved/would enjoy cruising. We listened throughout the whole dinner hour (it seemed like days) about how lucky we were not to be raising teenage boys. How much they ate, how much they cost, how messy they were, and on and on and on and on.

 

We lost our son in a climbing accident and we did not want to hear them prattle on endlessly about teenage boys. Each time we tried to change the subject, they returned to talk about their dreaded sons. As our son would have been 16 at that time, every comment was like a knife in the heart. While dinner only lasted an hour or so, it seemed like eternity. After dinner we quickly made arrangements to change our dining arrangements. We saw this family throughout the cruise, and I'm sure by their expressions they wondered by we had departed their table.

 

Happily, we ended up with funny and lively tablemates for the remainder of the cruise.

[Leejnd4]

Kamloops - please accept my sincere condolences on your tragic loss.

 

This has caused me to ponder just what can be done when dinner conversation strays into areas that some find painful due to personal loss. I imagine the family you dined with would have felt horrible to know that their benign grousing about their sons caused you such pain. I assume you didn't mention it, as you said that they must have wondered why you left. I do feel some compassion for them, and I'm quite sure they would not have continued the conversation in that direction had they known. And it also makes me wonder how many times *I* persisted in a topic that caused someone pain because I didn't know of their situation?

 

I do have a small sense of relating to this. Early in my marriage, when my DH and I were trying to start a family, we lost several babies at various points of pregnancy. I can't tell you how many times during those years I was faced with glowingly pregnant women, or parents bouncing their giggling babes, when all the complaints of morning-sickness and night-time feedings felt like a knife in my own heart. And I too did not mention it, as I didn't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable. (We ultimately were blessed with two adopted children, who are now teenagers, about whom I'm sure WE groused on our last no-kids cruise!) So I do understand a little bit.

 

I wonder if there is some way to gently mention a loss that doesn't cause the table conversation to grind to a screeching, painfully-silent halt, but that would let tablemates know that certain topics would be best avoided. Miss Manners, where are you?

 

LeeAnne

[bUU]

These issues do cut both ways. However, I'm not sure that what Miss Manners has to say would be more important than what Dr. Joyce Brothers has to say. As horrible as such losses are, after some time such losses come into perspective, and AFAIK, there is less need to draw a parallel between someone else's situation (mother prattling on about her teenage daughters; pregnant woman complaining about morning-sickness) and one's own past tragedy.

[Leejnd4]

Bicker -- FWIW, I think you're missing the point. My point was not to address anyone's "need to draw a parallel between someone else's situation..." but to ponder what might be a gentle, socially acceptable method for changing a topic that seems to be benign, but in fact causes pain to someone due to loss. In this case, I truly am less interested in what a psych might say about my (or anyone else's) emotional health and healing process, then I am in what an etiquette expert might say would be the best method for handling this at the dinner table.

 

As this thread is about table-talk, that was what my post was about. :)

 

LeeAnne

[hstrybuf]

bicker, that sounds unkind and I'm sure you didn't mean it to be. Forget Miss Manners and Dr. Joyce. Some wounds are deep and can never truly heal. Each of us must deal with our losses in our own way. If certain situations are uncomfortable or painful, our best recourse is to remove ourselves from those situations when at all possible.

[Heidict]

Beachchick- I can understand your reluctence to discuss your disability to people you have just met. And I respect your right to not tell people. Unfortunaly asking what someone does for a living is a very common and exceptable question to ask people that you have just met.

 

Personally, if it is a question you do not want to answer, then I think the comment that you said earlier is a perfect response "We don't like to discuss work while we are on vacation". Hopefully you will be blessed with tablemates who have a bit of common sense and tact who will understand, that for whatever reason, this is a topic that you don't want to discuss. If they persist just tell you and your husband don't want to discuss work. Just don't get upset with someone when they do ask the question because to a lot of people out there think it is a very safe question to ask and they may not know that they are hitting a sore subject.