2008 Cruise News Predictions

Everyone

Below are my predictions for the more interesting news stories about the cruise industry we will see in 2008. Consider yourself warned, but feel free to add your own! If I use New Jersey references it's out of love, I lived there for 7 years doing my very first job out of collage!

Let the groaning begin!

2008 Cruise News in Review: Robsvacation Provides His List of this Year's More Interesting Stories

Norwegian Coastal Voyages to Return

Hurtigruten (Her-te-grew-ten), commonly referred to as the cruiseline-formally-know-as-Norwegian-Coastal-Voyages, announced they will revert to this previous name for marketing purposes in North America. The apparent change of heart came after an informal survey of English speaking travel agents revealed not one was able to pronounce the new name correctly.

"We've just been selling them as 'those little ferries running up and down the Norwegian coast'" quipped one travel agent when asked about the company's name. "That's much better then stumbling all over over your words in front of a client."

The company's official statement is that the new name is short and really not that hard to say. The initial plan was to combine the names of the two companies merged in 2006 to form Hurtigruten: Ofotens og Vesteraalens Dampskibsselskab (OVDS) and Troms Fylkes Dampskibsselskap (TFDS.) Unfortunately a team of Norwegian linguists hired to review the name where unable to stop laughing long enough to check the spelling. (editor's note: those really are the previous names!)

Farcus Loses Gracefully

Joe Farcus, the mastermind behind Carnival Cruise Lines's other-worldly interiors, was seen congratulating members of the Meher Werft team on their win at the annual Ship Interior Design Awards (SIDA's) held this year in Atlantic City, New Jersey. Farcus's Splendor lost out to the NCL Gem in the category of Gaudiest Ship of the Year. "Their dramatic use of crushed velvet on every conceivable surface can only be thought of as daring" Farcus was quoted as saying. "They certainly have raised the bar to a new level!" When asked how they would top themselves on their next design, the Meher Werft team was overheard saying "We have one word for you: Naugahyde!"

Carnival Cruiselines Announces their own Monstrosity

Shortly after today's RCCL press conference announcing the name of the first ship in the Genesis Class, The Monstrosity of the Seas, Carnival blanketed the industry with faxes announcing their own new-build, the Carnival Monstrosity, set to sail in 2014. When asked whether the full sized curling rink, fiberglass mountain and 12 lane bowling complex, not to mention the fact that Carnival's Monstrosity would be exactly 1 ton larger than the RCCL ship, weren't just examples of one-up-men-ship between the two highly competitive lines, Carnival officials would only say that their water-slide would 10 feet longer than RCCL's no matter what.

Booze Hound Saves the Day

Disaster was narrowly averted when a bomb was discovered during a routine baggage check aboard the NCL Rhinestone. Suspicions were aroused when one of the NCL bloodhounds specially trained to sniff out alcohol hidden in checked luggage was seen "marking" one of the passenger bags and then running away. Upon opening the suitcase, a ½ finished bottle of rum was found along with a plastic explosive device. With the alcohol removed and the plastic explosive replaced with play-dough, a note was placed in the bag asking the owner to report to the purser's desk to tag the alcohol for return at the end of the cruise. When the owner reported as requested, a "code cyan" was announced over the PA system and the suspect tackled to the floor by Mandara Spa employees armed with Elemis hair products. Upon learning the prices of the products used to subdue him (under no obligation to buy, of course) the suspect was rendered unconscious. As the actual arrest occurred in international waters, the suspect was taken into custody by NCL security and was forced to listen to the wait staff sing "hoppy berth bay two views" repeatedly until he produced the names of his co-conspirators. Arrests were made in 4 countries, with the apparent ring-leader a former "Funship Freddy" character from the Carnival Exasperation.

No, They Really are Everywhere

To the delight of the jewelery buyers everywhere, passengers disembarking the New York Waterways Ferry in Wehawken, New Jersey, will find the latest Diamonds International store at the foot of the dock just prior to the commuter buses and parking lot. With this latest opening, Diamonds International officially has stores in every port-of-call in the known world. Not to be outdone, Columbian Emeralds has unveiled their "it's never too late" concept store. Mounted on specially designed tender, this high-speed store-on-the-sea will race ahead of the life boats in the event of a water evacuation and set up shop on shore just in time for the first arrivals. Del Sol will provide specially designed life-vests on which bright-red smiling dolphins will magically appear upon rescue from the water.

Passenger Disappears

The latest in a long line of mysterious disappearances from cruise ships, Freddy "4 Fingers" Laponne of Queens, New York was reported missing from his balcony cabin aboard the Azamara Misadventure. When asked for comment, officials close to the investigation simply replied "Forgetaboutit."

Cruising A La Carte

EasyCruise, the maverick cruise line known for its rock bottom prices with passengers paying for just the services they need, has revealed details on their newest ship, the EasyDoes-It. Shunning the unnecessary luxuries of traditional cruise lines, 3-day cruises on the EasyDoes-It start at $10 per person, double occupancy. Passengers can purchase additional options such as electricity for $15/day, running water for $10/day and air conditioning for $16/day. "The type of passengers we attract do not want the frills of a traditional cruiseline" replied Stelios at a news conference held in an EasyCinema today in London, UK . "Old people like that stuff! We want young, active, adventurous travelers who are interested in our destinations and aren't impressed by things like soap and mattresses." Itineraries on the EasyDoes-It will be announced approximately one week prior to sailing.

Mechanical Faux Pas

Passengers stumbled off the Celebrity Plummet this afternoon after a mechanical failure in one of the ship's azipod propulsion units caused the vessel to spin in place out of control for 16 hours. "On retrospect, the open bar to make up for the lost port of call was probably a bad idea" commented Celebrity officials at a news conference. Representatives from the French manufacturer were on hand provided this summary of the incident: "Puh! Zee drive may harved failed, but it did so in a most stylish way, non?"

Classless Suit

Attorney's representing passengers from an ill fated voyage on Royal Caribbean's Libation of the Seas have filed a class action lawsuit regarding events on a recent trip leaving out of Miami, FL. Passengers are suing for injuries sustained during a riot which broke out after an announcement was made that the ship would be unable to stop at the cruise line's private island in the Bahamas, Loco Cay.

In a statement released by RCCL officials: "A hurricane had swept over the island the previous day and there was nothing left. I mean literally, all that was left were some rocks. What else could we do?"

"I held my sobbing, aging mother in my arms" reports a passenger now part of the class action suit. "'WHY!!!' She wailed to me, 'OH GOD WHY! WHY ARE WE MISSING THE ISLAND! OH GOD, WHY!!!' My faith in humanity died that day."

"It was crazy," reports another passenger. "They just sprung the announcement on us. Of course people freaked out! All I could think the whole time I was looting the Diamonds International store onboard was that this would never had happened if the company had sent a team to rebuild the island prior to us getting there. They should be ashamed!"

Loco Cay is expected to be out of service for 6 months to allow time for islanders to rebuild their homes. Passengers on affected cruises wishing to complain are being forwarded to a prerecorded message providing advice on getting a life.

You were warned!

OMG! :eek:

ROFLMAO! :D

That was great... made my day! :p

This was great - thanks for the laughs!

Fantastic!! What a great way to start my CC day!! Thanks!!! :p

Thanks, robsvacation! :D

Thanks so much for that! Funniest thing I've read on CC.

Everyone

 

Below are my predictions for the more interesting news stories about the cruise industry we will see in 2008. Consider yourself warned, but feel free to add your own! If I use New Jersey references it's out of love, I lived there for 7 years doing my very first job out of collage!

 

Let the groaning begin!

 

2008 Cruise News in Review: Robsvacation Provides His List of this Year's More Interesting Stories

 

Carnival Cruiselines Announces their own Monstrosity

Shortly after today's RCCL press conference announcing the name of the first ship in the Genesis Class, The Monstrosity of the Seas, ]

Hey robsvacation-I've heard that RCCL & Imperial Majesty have reached an agreement and the Monstrosity will be leased to Imperial after the Regal Empress is taken out of service. It will do the 2 night Ft. Lauderdale - Nassau run. They intend to limit it to 1500 guests per cruise and will have the highest space ratio of any ship afloat

Thanks, Rob!!!!!

ROTFLOAO!!!!

Tom & Eileen :eek:

Funny stuff.

You obviously have too much free time on your hands. Thank goodness.

Mac:) :) :)

That's great, robsvacation! Thanks for the laugh!!

This is so funny and so true in so many ways!

Thanks,

d

Thanks! I needed a good laugh today.

Hilarious!

But you forgot:

DISASTER AT SEA - Passengers ABANDONED without sufficient towel animals!

"Mr and Mrs Needarealproblem reported that their recent cruise on the NCL new build NOTOWELARTFORYOU was an unmitigated disaster from day 1. Not only did their cabin steward fail to lay down a path of rose petals at their cabin entrance BUT in the ENTIRE week he produced only THREE towels animals causing acute emotional distress for Mrs Needarealproblem and their 10 year old daughter Spoil'dr'tten. The Needarealproblems will be contacting their lawyer shortly."

Classless Suit

Attorney's representing passengers from an ill fated voyage on Royal Caribbean's Libation of the Seas have filed a class action lawsuit regarding events on a recent trip leaving out of Miami, FL. Passengers are suing for injuries sustained during a riot which broke out after an announcement was made that the ship would be unable to stop at the cruise line's private island in the Bahamas, Loco Cay.

 

In a statement released by RCCL officials: "A hurricane had swept over the island the previous day and there was nothing left. I mean literally, all that was left were some rocks. What else could we do?"

 

"I held my sobbing, aging mother in my arms" reports a passenger now part of the class action suit. "'WHY!!!' She wailed to me, 'OH GOD WHY! WHY ARE WE MISSING THE ISLAND! OH GOD, WHY!!!' My faith in humanity died that day."

 

"It was crazy," reports another passenger. "They just sprung the announcement on us. Of course people freaked out! All I could think the whole time I was looting the Diamonds International store onboard was that this would never had happened if the company had sent a team to rebuild the island prior to us getting there. They should be ashamed!"

 

Loco Cay is expected to be out of service for 6 months to allow time for islanders to rebuild their homes. Passengers on affected cruises wishing to complain are being forwarded to a prerecorded message providing advice on getting a life.

 

 

You were warned!

JUST TOO GOOD! I hope certain people will recognize themselves in your wonderful humor.:D

Way too funny! Thanks for the laugh!

Thanks for the Tuesday funnies. :cool:

I've skipped over this thread several times today, thinking it was a dry, financial forecast. In utter boredom, I clicked on it and have been giggling at my desk for the last several minutes.

That was a great read! Thanks.

You'd think after spending all that time writing this I could have come up with a better subject line! Oh well, I'm glad people are enjoying it!

I have to admit this all started with me sending in some actual cruise predictions to a podcast I listen to. The more I thought about the industry the more absurd predictions got and this all just sorta wrote itself.

Now if I could just think of a way of working art auctions, Park West, Grand Cayman (not to mention that trip to the town of "Hell" they offer), Stingrays, Ship Photographers, Tortuga Rum Cakes, crowded ports and shore excursion all into one story.... Hummmmm...

Art is in the Eye of the Highest Bidder

A woman traveling aboard the Crystal Blasé was shocked to discover the “original piece of art” she purchased during a West Park auction was in fact a compromising picture of her husband . The work entitled “Nature's Loving Embrace,” was presented as “a depiction of man's intertwined relationship with nature and the sea.” Unknown to the buyer, earlier in the day while on a shore excursion to Stingray City, her husband made the mistake of feeding one of the sandbar's famous residents Tortuga Rum Cake in lue of the usual squid. Having amorous tendencies when inebriated, the smitten creature leaped from the water onto the unsuspecting gentleman in full view of the 657 passengers from the 27 other shore excursions in the area at the time. Photographers from all 12 of the ships in port captured the image of the husband spinning franticly trying to fend off the love-struck stingray's advances. When presented with the 24 by 36 inch photograph of the incident, not to mention the accompanying bill, the husband simply stated he had now “truly been to Hell and back!”

Thanks for a Great Laugh! just goes to show... what you think the subject matter may be, isn't always!

You forgot one:

- Newsflash BOCA RATON:

Today senior citizens in search of food revolted, because the waiter at their local restaurant didn't already know what drink they were going to want. In related news, some walked down the street and tried a different restaurant. Unfortunately, due to their arrival at dinner time, they had to wait at the bar for 10 minutes. Several were heard muttering....this would never happen on Celebrity.

I have to admit this all started with me sending in some actual cruise predictions to a podcast I listen to. The more I thought about the industry the more absurd predictions got and this all just sorta wrote itself.

 

Now if I could just think of a way of working art auctions, Park West, Grand Cayman (not to mention that trip to the town of "Hell" they offer), Stingrays, Ship Photographers, Tortuga Rum Cakes, crowded ports and shore excursion all into one story.... Hummmmm...

 

 

Art is in the Eye of the Highest Bidder

A woman traveling aboard the Crystal Blasé was shocked to discover the “original piece of art” she purchased during a West Park auction was in fact a compromising picture of her husband . The work entitled “Nature's Loving Embrace,” was presented as “a depiction of man's intertwined relationship with nature and the sea.” Unknown to the buyer, earlier in the day while on a shore excursion to Stingray City, her husband made the mistake of feeding one of the sandbar's famous residents Tortuga Rum Cake in lue of the usual squid. Having amorous tendencies when inebriated, the smitten creature leaped from the water onto the unsuspecting gentleman in full view of the 657 passengers from the 27 other shore excursions in the area at the time. Photographers from all 12 of the ships in port captured the image of the husband spinning franticly trying to fend off the love-struck stingray's advances. When presented with the 24 by 36 inch photograph of the incident, not to mention the accompanying bill, the husband simply stated he had now “truly been to Hell and back!”

OMG! The best one yet - I just sprayed coffee on my computer screen!

Don't stop now. I want more.

OMG!!!

ROFLMBOO!!!

This was too funny.

Thanks for the laugh.

:D

I'd like to Add....

7 day Cruise for $179!!!!

Plus $250 taxes, port charges, fuel surgarges, autotips, smoking fee, non-buffet dining fee, mandatory "fresh air fee," toilet paper charge. Passengers have the option to take sore excursions through the ship for 250% of rack rate or disembark 1hr before sailing.