80 year old mother has dementia

I am traveling with my mother and 21 year old daughter. My mom has mild to moderate dementia. She has difficulty remembering information, but is not at the stage yet where she can't be left alone for short periods of time. If you were to talk to her, you may not even be able to tell...but I still worry.

I intend to stay close to my mother and make sure she is okay. She said she doesn't mind if I leave her on the deck near the pool for a few minutes at a time so I can spend a little time alone with my daughter. Just in case mom forgets which cabin we are all staying in (and decides to go back to it), does anyone have any suggestions as to how she can remember the cabin number? I will make sure that the staff know she has dementia. I don't want to write her cabin number on the back of her sail and sign card, but can't think of anything else to do. Any advice?

I am traveling with my mother and 21 year old daughter. My mom has mild to moderate dementia. She has difficulty remembering information, but is not at the stage yet where she can't be left alone for short periods of time. If you were to talk to her, you may not even be able to tell...but I still worry.

 

I intend to stay close to my mother and make sure she is okay. She said she doesn't mind if I leave her on the deck near the pool for a few minutes at a time so I can spend a little time alone with my daughter. Just in case mom forgets which cabin we are all staying in (and decides to go back to it), does anyone have any suggestions as to how she can remember the cabin number? I will make sure that the staff know she has dementia. I don't want to write her cabin number on the back of her sail and sign card, but can't think of anything else to do. Any advice?

Fully understand that you want your mother to have a nice cruise. Also understand that your intent is never to leave her alone but for only few minutes. The truth of the matter is that it will probably be longer than just a few minutes since you state that your want to spend time with your daugher. Families are sometimes to emotionally closed to the situation and sometime don't fully understand how someone with dementia can re-act when taken out of their familiar world . Especially when it's a large cruise ship. Know from where I speak as my siblings and I are going through the same thing with my mother. We would never leave my mother alone at any time in a new unfamiliar place like a large cruise even for only a few a minutes as it can cause great stress to her. Nor would we expect staff to watch out for her in our absence... that is always the families responsibility. .... but that's my family . Regardless of my personal opinion there are some things that you need to know before deciding to leave to your mother alone.

All cruise lines makes it very clear that one must be well enough to travel by themselves. If not than are required to have a family member/care person with them at all times. The enjoyment and safety of all passengers is something the cruise line does work hard for all it's guests and it stops short of being a caretaker or responsible for someone when family should be looking after that individual. It is not the cruise lines responsibily to check on your mother because she has dementia nor is it their responsibliy to assist her back to her cabin because she has dementia. This is the family's responsibility .

Over the years there have been postings that entire families were thrown off the ship prior to the end of the cruise because the family was not caring for their loved ones and they expected cruise staff to fill in the void when family members were not present. Both cruise staff and other passengers has been known to report such occurances to the cruise ship managment out concerns for the individuals safety resulting in the entire family be thrown off the ship at the next port at their own expense with no refunds.

For example there was a family a few years back that also had a loved one that they thought had only mild dementia . Passengers and staff were constantly finding this person unable to navigate the ship, In essence the family expected that the staff would watch over their parent in their absence. This did not happen and the family was requested to leave the cruise prior to the final disembarkation port.

There was also the case of a gentleman with MS that booked a suite that came with a butler , thinking that the bulter would assist him with all his when needed. End result .... let off at the next port as he should have had a care assistant travel with him.

If it were me I would not disclose your mother's dementia to the staff nor would I ever leave her alone. But that's what I would do.

Please understand that this really isn't a lecture nor I am trying to pass judgement. Rather it's to bring to light the can of worms you might be opening by discloising to staff that your mother has mild dementia and than leaving her alone expecting that the staff will assist her.

xxoo makes good points, and I just wanted to address your initial question. If your Mom is well enough to find her way to the room, but might just forget which cabin, you might get a badge-holder with a lanyard (those see-through plastic thingies), and place in it a) the sign and sail card; and b) a piece of paper with the cabin number, your mom's name, and your name.

Have a great cruise!

My 83 year old dad has mild dementia, and we would never leave him alone on a cruise ship, a very unfamiliar place. He gets confused, and even angry, when he's in places he doesn't know. There are so many "what ifs" if you leave your mom alone, and I have a hard time believing it would only be a few minutes if what you're looking for is alone time with your daughter. What if mom needs to use the bathroom? What if she gets feeling sick in the hot, humid weather? What if it starts raining (which it often can do on a cruise) and she needs to go inside? What if she just gets tired and wants to leave?

If you want alone time, I suggest settling mom in the cabin, hopefully you have a veranda cabin, and letting her just enjoy the balcony. It'll be nice, and the bathroom is right there, along with anything she might like to drink. You could also set her up in the observation lounge with a book.

People with dementia, even "mild" dementia, can get very upset and disoriented when taken out of their usual environment. While I applaud your wanting to be with your mom and sharing a cruise with her, I worry about her being left alone even for a little while. The crew should NOT be expected to help her or look out for her. I suspect that if you tell them she has dementia and they find her left alone, you all could be asked to leave the ship at the next port. If you intend to go through with this cruise, you should be prepared to have either you or your daughter with her at all times, making sure her needs are met and she's comfortable.

I think it's admirable that you want to take your mom on the cruise. I traveled with my late 80s husband on three cruises after he was in a wheelchair and had mild dementia. His dementia affected his judgment and not his memory, so I felt comfortable leaving him alone with his electric scooter for short periods of time.

That said, I think others make valid points even if they are probably difficult to hear. One possibility not mentioned comes to mind that might be a compromise, and that is to get your mother settled by the pool or perhaps in the observation lounge or some other place. Then you and your daughter could sit in another area near the pool or wherever. You could have some private time but also be able to see your mom so you'd know she was okay.

This still wouldn't give you the freedom to go to one of the bars or shop or go to the spa or whatever, but it would give her a sense of freedom and provide some alone time with your daughter.

Anyway, having lived through a husband who needed much care and attention, my heart goes out to you whatever you decide.

I think that it can be confusing for anyone to get around a large ship, even knowing the cabin number. I would be nervous about leaving someone with dementia out of my sight.

I am traveling with my mother and 21 year old daughter. My mom has mild to moderate dementia. She has difficulty remembering information, but is not at the stage yet where she can't be left alone for short periods of time. If you were to talk to her, you may not even be able to tell...but I still worry.

. . . . .

Any advice?

It's nice that you want to have a three-generation cruise, but think very carefully before you do it. You will make some happy memories, but it will be a big responsibility for you, and probably not very relaxing.

Very often, people with developing dementia become disoriented when out of their familiar surroundings. Be prepared for your mother to do this.

I'd like to tell you what happened when my Cousin B came to stay with us. Nobody realised at that time that she had dementia - everyone just thought that she was still "knocked sideways" by the death of her husband - so we were totally unprepared. She was diagnosed with Alzheimer's not long after she left us.

Because Cousin B came from a different country, we planned to take her on a short tour around part of our country. It was a bad thing to do because, on top of the confusion caused by her travel to get to us, we did not allow her a period of time to adjust to being with us. A different place every day just increased her confusion. (See how this relates to cruising?)

The first night, we stayed in a hotel. Although we had connecting rooms, Cousin B got up and went wandering in the night, while we slept. We heard about this from the hotel staff, who had found her, looked up their register, and taken her back to her room. (Be prepared for night wandering. How can you keep your mother safely in your/ her cabin? You probably should have her in the same cabin as you. I'd advise against a balcony.)

Wherever we went, Cousin B managed to lose something. She'd put something down, then forget it and walk away. (Be prepared to keep tabs on her possessions. Label stuff with name and cabin number.)

Once we got home, Cousin B loved our dog and wanted to take her for a walk. We wrote our names and address on a piece of paper, and made sure she had it with her when she left. She got lost, and forgot that she had our address with her. We went out looking, but could not find her. A kind person brought her home, just as we were about to call the police. The kindly stranger had the bright idea of unleashing our dog, and telling the dog "Home" and "Wait", and they followed the dog back to our house. (Even if you write your cabin number on your mother's key card, she may forget you have done that.)

I agree with the suggestion made by a previous poster, to have some time with your daughter, but to keep your mother in sight. Do things with your mother, or close to her.

I don't know how far you mother's dementia has progressed and I don't want to alarm or depress you, but do be prepared for it to worsen because of the unfamiliar surroundings.

Finally, even though Cousin B's visit was a worry, we would not have missed it for anything. She was delightful, and we did enjoy the time she spent with us.

Well thank you all for your insight. I did not post anywhere that I want the staff to do anything to assist with mom, so please don't assume what I didn't post! I will take into consideration what each of you have said and decide the best course of action. I think that this cruise is going to be a lot more challenging than I thought for our family.

Well thank you all for your insight. I did not post anywhere that I want the staff to do anything to assist with mom, so please don't assume what I didn't post! I will take into consideration what each of you have said and decide the best course of action. I think that this cruise is going to be a lot more challenging than I thought for our family.

Yes, it will be challenging, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't go. Those last three cruises with my husband were challenging, but I would do it all over again - for me to be sure, because I got to cruise to wonderful places but also for the joy they gave him.

So, adapt a bit as needed and have a great time knowing that you are giving her a great gift.

We cruised with two friends in 2008, one of whom was in the early stages of Alzheimer's Disease at quite a young age (by my standards). We've watched her progress since then and also have several years experience of dealing with my wife's father, who is quite advanced. So we've seen plenty - all the way from mild entertainment in the MDR to recent full blown frustration in unfamiliar places.

Obviously, all dementia sufferers are different and you know your Mum better than anyone, so none of us can really offer you specific advice.

But I can tell you that our friend throroughy enjoyed it and it was a great change of scenery for her and her husband. We started to see a bit of sparkle in her eyes that had been missing for a while. It was hard work at times, but a ship is a great place to take a rest. She is now at the point where a cruise would not be appropriate and although I hope that this time does not come too quickly for your mother I would encourage you to have a great holiday in case things become too difficult eventually.

As others have pointed out, a ship is a large, complicated place and you might find that it is rather more confusing for her than any environment she is familar with. It might be wise to make sure that either you or your daughter are with her throughout the day. Don't rely on crew. This is not to criticise their reliability, but they are always busy and with some, the language barrier can be an obstacle.

Have a great time!

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Before you book the cruise, make sure she's comfortable in strange surroundings.....take her somewhere for an extended period and see how she does!

We took my mother who had mild dementia on a cruise and ended up having to take her back home. She got so confused and disoriented that she was difficult to deal with. We never made it to the ship. We were able to get our money back because, we had cleared the cruise with her doctor (this is a must) prior to leaving and we had trip insurance. The doctor was completely shocked at my mother's response. She had a major downturn in her disease with this incident. On the return trip, she keep wanting to get out of the plane (this was prior to 9/11). The stewardesses were very helpful in trying to keep her calm and in her seat but passengers around us were frightened. We had never witnessed our normally calm mother exhibit any of this behave in her entire life. It was totally unexpected! So, expect the unexpected. When you remove a dementia patient from their normal routine, you don't know how they will react.

Do you have a family member who can travel with you to help provide 24/7 supervision? If you switch "Mom Duty" on and off, you can have alone time with your daughter, and still take Mom on the cruise.

One idea may be to pay the costs for the person in exchange for the assistance.

As a nurse who has worked in long term care, rehab, dementia care and subacute care for 17 years (and spent many years before that as a nursing assistant taking care of the elderly), all I can say is to take a small weekend trip before deciding to book a cruise and see how your Mom does outside of her familiar surroundings and out of her daily routine. You need to determine how she can handle the changes. I have found that many peope with early dementia function well only because they stick to their routine and are in their own environment. Make one change to that routine or environment, it can throw them so off balance that it would make you cry.

If taking her on this cruise really is something you want to do, consider taking someone along who can relieve you some of the time from being with and taking care of your Mom.

I cruise with my mom who has dementia. On our last cruise she got so lost on the ship. Dining room, cabin etc. She would find them but it sure took her a long time sometimes. Room steward and staff in general were wonderful with just giving directions. I would put a big poster or a door decoration on the door of our cabin, that helped quite a bit.

I will agree that taking someone with dementia out of their routine and familiar surroundings can make it worse. In some cases this can make them irritable and angry. Also, mood swings and emotional outbursts for no apparent reason. If we do cruise again, I know I will have to stick close to her side and not leave her alone. It does make cruising more difficult but you can still have a good time.

I've done 2 3 generation cruises as sn adult with my mom and grandma. At the time, she wasn't diagnosed with anything but her memory was still sketchy. Just know that this won't necessarily be the relaxing vacation that you want. Here's some things that helped us. We're all very close so we typically went places together anyway. However, there were times when she would be by herself. She liked going to the casino so one of us would walk her there, go back to the pool and then we'd go get her later. I also printed out the deck plans, cut them out, color coded them, laminated them and put them on a ring. Honestly, the hardest thing was trying to convince her to wear appropriate clothes for dinner. She wanted to wear the same outfit every night or wear clothing that isn't appropriate at all, like a sarong and t-shirt that she bought at the beach.

Mom and I know we couldn't take her with us now. She's happiest at home with her dog and a cruise would be too confusing. But we're both so happy we took her when we did. The pictures of her kissing a stingray and downing a fishbowl margarita in Cozumel are priceless!

I would also suggest that if you go, you book a fairly last minute cruise. I volunteer taking my Greyhounds to a memory care facility each week, and it is shocking how quickly some of the residents have gone down hill cognitively. I would hate to see you book a cruise six months away only to find that by the time the cruise comes she was no longer functioning at a level that was practical for her to enjoy it. Bless you for trying to do this for her.

Well thank you all for your insight. I did not post anywhere that I want the staff to do anything to assist with mom, so please don't assume what I didn't post! I will take into consideration what each of you have said and decide the best course of action. I think that this cruise is going to be a lot more challenging than I thought for our family.

I hope you don't get discouraged do to all the posts because this could be a very happy and memorable time. Only you will know what is safe for your mother and I am sure you will make the right decisions when the time comes. I'm sure your Mom would not mind spending an evening in the stateroom while you and your daughter had some time alone. If she is just a little forgetful you can put her room number on a card in an small card holder along with the room key. Its all a matter of degrees and only you will know how best to handle it.

"...I am traveling with my mother and 21 year old daughter. My mom has mild to moderate dementia. She has difficulty remembering information, but is not at the stage yet where she can't be left alone for short periods of time. If you were to talk to her, you may not even be able to tell...but I still worry..."

 

I am experiencing the same with my wife. I just ordered a GPS watch for her to wear and a receiver for me to carry. I push a button and the receiver will show her exact location on a map at all times (within cellular range) in the

U S, Canada and Europe. It cost $800.00. I probably cannot give the name of the company but will watch this site if I can help someone else. My wife can communicate with me via cell phone to tell me she is lost and I can pinpoint her location to give her directions or go get her. You could goggle GPS Watch and probably get the information. I do not know if it would help at sea though unless you were in a port with cell coverage.

As a nurse who has worked in long term care, rehab, dementia care and subacute care for 17 years (and spent many years before that as a nursing assistant taking care of the elderly), all I can say is to take a small weekend trip before deciding to book a cruise and see how your Mom does outside of her familiar surroundings and out of her daily routine. You need to determine how she can handle the changes. I have found that many peope with early dementia function well only because they stick to their routine and are in their own environment. Make one change to that routine or environment, it can throw them so off balance that it would make you cry.

 

If taking her on this cruise really is something you want to do, consider taking someone along who can relieve you some of the time from being with and taking care of your Mom.

I work with the elderly as well (social worker, not nurse, I could never do that job) and this advice is dead on. If she truly is early stages she may be able to handle it. But many families underestimate, or have a hard time accepting, how advanced their loved one is in their illness. I'm not automatically assuming you are, but I see a lot of it in my line of work. Also, rapid, extreme downturns are not uncommon, so I would likely not book a cruise 6 or 9 month in advance.

Good luck to you, your mother and daughter. I hope everything works out so you can all have an enjoyable vacation if it's appropriate for her.

On the return trip, she keep wanting to get out of the plane (this was prior to 9/11). The stewardesses were very helpful in trying to keep her calm and in her seat but passengers around us were frightened. We had never witnessed our normally calm mother exhibit any of this behave in her entire life. It was totally unexpected! So, expect the unexpected. When you remove a dementia patient from their normal routine, you don't know how they will react.

I recently took my mother on a cruise who is in the early, but progressing, stage of Alzheimer's. I contacted our local Alzheimer's Society for any info and tips that they could pass along about travelling with dementia and one thing that they mentioned is that the reduced oxygen in planes can cause additional confusion and agitation. It is my understanding that you could ask the flight attendant for some oxygen to help calm them down.

This trip was all about Mom and what she wanted to do. I often found that she was more confused later in the day when she was tired, so we only went to see one show together. She often went to bed at 8:00 and I would go out after she was asleep. I avoided noisy and busy locations like the buffet for breakfast unless we went later in the morning. Mom had trouble tuning out the ambient noise and conversations around her and found it quite tiring and confusing. The MDR was also quite noisy and I would request a table in a quieter location or at the very least, seat Mom at the quieter side of the table. We moved tables one night when we quickly realized that we were right next to main thoroughfare for the waiters and we would have no peace throughout the meal. It was just too distracting and stressful. Some nights we went to the Buffet and other nights, we just ordered room service. We often had breakfast on the balcony and then went ashore to tour around in a hired taxi.

I did a lot of research about suitable excursions before we went, but I didn't book anything in case Mom wasn't up to it. The one thing that I hadn't anticipated was that many of the taxi's in the Caribbean drive must faster than what Mom was used to and she found it quite stressful, (the near miss head on collision didn't help) so by the time that we got to the last port, she didn't want to take a taxi anywhere and we just stayed onboard. It was nice being able to explore the ship without the hustle and bustle and it was much more relaxing by the pool.

If I needed to run an errand and mom wanted to read on the balcony, I would leave a post it note on the cabin door reminding her to stay in the cabin until I got back which worked out well. I held onto Mom's key card and her passport as well as any travel and flight documents. The only time that I left Mom alone was in the cabin.

Take things day by day, sometimes hour by hour and be as flexible as possible. If your Mom isn't up to doing something, then let her do what she needs to do. Your daughter is old enough to go and do things on her own if your Mom needs you, and while it would be nice to have some mother daughter time, this trip is more about your Mom. Seeing how much my Mom has deteriorated in the three months since we went makes me glad that we went when we did. I'm sure you will have a lovely and memorable trip. Do report back after your trip so that others may learn from your experiences.

My mom is in the later stages of Alzheimers! She always loved to travel and cruise. For the past two years I have taken her on cruises! I am fortunate to live near a port and do not have to take her on plane, as the whole security process upsets her.

I NEVER leave her alone and thats what keeps her calm (well most of the time lol). Also keep a routine, as you would with kids, same time to bed, same time meals, same time wake up, nap at sundown syndrome time.

She uses a wheelchair so she really cant get around on her own. Keeping her mind busy is so easy to do on a cruise. People watch, shows, shopping, stroll around the deck.

We are booked on a 14 day cruise from our home port in October, of course with mom everything is tentative!

Enjoy your holiday

"I contacted our local Alzheimer's Society for any info and tips that they could pass along about travelling with dementia and one thing that they mentioned is that the reduced oxygen in planes. It is my understanding that you could ask the flight attendant for some oxygen to help calm them down."

DH is on oxygen and I doubt the flight attendants can access the oxygen unless it is an emergency like a heart attack. DH travels with an FCC approved Portable Oxygen Concentrator (POC). He has to have a prescription for O2.

Thank you everyone for all the informative posts. I'm taking my elderly mother with vascular dementia on a 7 day cruise. She's was on a 3 day cruise four years ago, but more family was on board with me, so she was never alone. Thank God her memory has not gone down hill much. She is on medication for memory.

The reason I'm taking her is because she wants to go. I was recommending a 3 day cruise, but she said to let's do 7 days. She tells me that some people think she's crazy, but she not and is in her right mind, she just has a hard time remembering some things. You could probably not tell she has memory issues, unless you spend some time with her and realize she will tell you some of the same stories over and over again.

When I started reading these posts, I started to panic and wonder if I did the right thing booking a 7 day cruise with my mother. I think I did because I just took a 3 week vacation for myself without mom, so this cruise will be all about my mom. She tends to sleep 10 hours a night, so I figure it would be okay to leave her an hour or two alone when she goes to sleep in the cabin.

My other "alone" time will be on deck with her near me. She enjoys doing puzzles on the KindleFire and watching movies on my computer. So when she's doing a puzzle or watching a movie, I'm "alone" relaxing near her in a hot tub, pool, lounge chair or at the same table.

The only time I will leave her alone outside the cabin is to get her food from the buffet or bathroom break. She's very good about not moving, especially because she needs a wheelchair for distances.

I know I need my "alone" time, but it's okay for me to have "alone" time near my mom.

I love my mom to death, but it can be draining taking care of her all the time. So I need to plan my little escapes while keeping her in view. My escapes is doing my favorite thing: watching the ocean, exercising to Zumba, playing on my electronic devices, listening to music, Sudoku puzzles, etc.

I think I will be okay, even after reading all those post. One reason is I never plan to leave my mother alone, except to get food from buffet, bathroom break, and 1 hour or 2 when she is asleep in the cabin.

You are all right about being confused in a different environment. My mother tends to get a little confuse in a new environment, but she just asks questions. I/We answer her questions, and she's fine. My mom travels at least twice a year on plane, so she's good with that. She is also able to adapt to change easily.

We talk about the cruise almost on a daily basis. She seems excited to go. The no cooking/cleaning for a week will be a big break for me. I'm rethinking the leaving in the cabin alone for an hour or two. I did that on the last cruise and mom was fine. I just need to be there in the morning when she get's up. At home, I need to wake her, otherwise she could sleep longer. She naps for a couple of hours in the afternoon as well.

I know the original post is old (2012), but the information is timeless for people dealing with dementia. I had tears as I read these posts because it's true that we don't want our love ones to have dementia. We hope they are always fine. But the reality hurts. If I don't take her now that she wants to go, I might regret it later. She rarely want to travel, except to go with my sister in another state.

I applaud all of you who take care of love ones. But if we take them on a cruise, we need to really take care of them, "all the time."