Live from Queen Victoria (V135N)

To: Assistant Commissioner Whitemarsh, Commander Louise D, Detective Chief Superintendent Seasidegal

Copy to: “The Dead Cat”

MS QUEEN VICTORIA – VOYAGE V315N (MEDITERRANEAN SERENADE)

REPORT ON DRESS CODE COMPLIANCE BY 2409 SGT J CHRISTIE (N YORKS DIVISION)

1. Background. I have been operating undercover using the pseudonym “Cruachan” and have been tasked with reporting on the situation on board the Cunard cruise ship Queen Victoria regarding compliance with the recently revised dress code. Specifically my mission has been to identify and report all confirmed and suspected dress code violations and, where possible, to identify and eliminate the transgressors. I will report on the following specific areas:

a. Breakfast

b. General Daytime Wear

c. Informal Nights

d. Formal Nights

e. Other Matters

2. General Situation as at 20 September 2013. The new dress code comprises two basic forms, viz Formal, and Informal. This system replaces the previous three phase code (Formal, Semi Formal and Elegant Casual). There have been complaints from some quarters that this reform represents a “dumbing down” of Cunard’s traditional standards of dress. In consequence, the Cunard Fashion Police have been tasked to investigate and report on compliance with the new standards.

3. Breakfast. Despite the fact that Cunard still state in their FAQ’s that shorts are not permitted in the dining room at any time, I have to report that shorts appear to have become the de rigeur form of dress for male passengers in the Britannia Dining Room at breakfast. So prevalent is this aberration that, in order to maintain my deep cover, I have been forced to conform and wear shorts myself. I trust that you will understand that this infraction has been forced upon me as the consequences of having my cover blown do not, frankly, bear thinking about.

4. General Daytime Wear. The sights to be seen around the outside pools and on sunny outside decks sheltered from the wind continue to be utterly revolting and nauseating. So revolting, in fact, that I will spare your sensibilities and will not give any further detail here. Suffice it to say that, for reasons that cannot readily be determined, none of this display of red, slow broiled, human flesh apparently constitutes an infringement of Cunard’s dress code. In other parts of the ship, the traditional laissez faire approach to daywear appears to remain substantially unchanged.

5. Informal Nights. The code, in general terms, is being obeyed. There are a few rather creative interpretations of what constitutes a “jacket” – one “gentleman” who was seen wearing a zip up windcheater affair was given an on the spot fine of $100 by a uniform branch officer (acting on information from me), and several cautions have also been handed down to other infringers. However, the most important thing to report is that, by and large, the necktie has now all but disappeared from Cunard. I would estimate that only some 10% of male passengers now wear a tie on Informal nights. It is important to state, however, that this is permitted under the new Informal code.

6. Formal Nights. I am pleased to report that there appears to have been no significant falling off in standards of dress on formal night. The odd white DJ is still to be seen and one or two rather outrageous bow ties have also been spotted but, so far, I have seen no major infringements of the formal code whatsoever, although I will admit that my observation has been limited to the upper level of the Britannia Restaurant on the early sitting for dinner.

7. Other Matters. From the above, it can be seen that, by and large, standards are being maintained and that the level of conformity with the laid down dress code remains high. Unfortunately I do have to report one very serious dress code infringement. At approximately 1530hrs, Thu 19 Sep 13, while carrying out an undercover patrol on Nine Deck, I spotted a male passenger approaching the Lido Café dressed in a bathrobe, speedos, and flip-flops. This serious dress code denier has been positively identified and Agent 006 (aka “The Dead Cat”) has been tasked to terminate him with extreme prejudice and dispose of the remains in one of the many furnaces to which he has access in his current location.

(Signed in original)

J CHRISTIE

Sgt

N Yorks Division, Cunard Fashion Police

Delightful, I actually smiled when reading your posting Cruachan.!.

Not surprised at the Lido "horror", (though you do know that there will be someone who will deny it happened ) I saw a similar happening on a previous cruise in the Chart Room, and in July this year on TA, saw a very obese male minus the robe and flip flops , walk through Todd English whilst I was having Lunch there. Quite put me off my food !

To: SGT J Christie (N Yorks Division)

From: Commander Louise D

Copy to: Assistant Commissioner Whitemarsh, Detective Chief Superintendent Seasidegal and The Dead Cat

RE: MS QUEEN VICTORIA – VOYAGE V315N (MEDITERRANEAN SERENADE)

REPORT ON DRESS CODE COMPLIANCE

It is pleasing to know that you continue to operate successfully under the deepest cover, as per my instructions in my memorandum of the 15th inst.

Continue to use this channel for your scheduled communications. You can be assured that your reports will remain totally secure and restricted to key personnel only. All your communications are currently being scrambled, using the highest level of encryption.

1. Background.

Your mission to identify and report all confirmed and suspected dress code violations (and, where possible, to identify and eliminate the transgressors) appears to be proceeding as planned.

Please provide me with a list of the transgressors as they are eliminated, including statistics as to gender, age and nationality.

Please also review the folder I provided to you with the listing of suspected Anti-Fashion international terrorists to ascertain if any are presently on board. If any are sighted by you, please advise immediately and I will contact Fashion Interpol for reinforcements.

2. General Situation as at 20 September 2013.

I discern some worrying trends in relation to the various matters set out in your Report. Below I will provide you with guidance as to the required procedures to deal with the transgressors.

3. Breakfast.

It is of concern to me that shorts are being worn at this time. Fashion Police regulation 5.9 states that shorts can only be worn in the restaurants on Cunard ships during breakfast time during the Summer months. Shorts are not permitted to be worn in the Northern Hemisphere in late September.

Please report further as to the prevalence of the style of shorts seen by you. Were the shorts knee length, or higher? Were they being worn mainly by men or by women?

Please also ensure that the shorts worn by you for purposes of deep cover are disposed of at the earliest opportunity in the ship's furnace (along with the Dead Cat).

4. General Daytime Wear.

The sights seen by you around the outside pools and on open decks appear to be totally offensive to Fashion Police sensibilities.

It is unfortunate that the said sights were so horrific and nauseating that you are unable to describe them in further detail (without potential loss of one or more of your three breakfasts).

As you know, we have for many years advocated that passengers look at themselves in full-length mirrors before they venture to the pool-side areas in their various states of undress. They apparently have failed to heed our recommendations.

I suggest that you obtain the assistance of a steward to carry about a large full-length mirror, stroll about the decks and poolside areas, identify the worst offenders and request the steward to hold the mirror in front of them so that they can see their reflections.

Then report back to me as to the reactions received by you. (You may need to equip yourself in advance with an assortment of bandages in case of a violent reaction).

5. Informal Nights.

It is pleasing that you have started fining the worst of the offenders, and please ensure that no quarter is given to those suspected of heinous fashion crimes on informal nights.

You will be aware that the change in the Code (by combining the elegant casual and informal codes) has the potential for a severe slippage in standards. The consensus opinion of your superiors is that all available manpower must be directed to this issue at least for the next 12 months.

The matter of the lack of neckties on informal nights is particularly troubling. It had been our projection that at least 50% of male passengers would retain the necktie on informal nights. Your figure of 10% is extremely troubling.

However, given that you have so far dined only the Britannia Restaurant at the early sitting, I direct you to attend outside the Britannia Restaurant at the commencement of the late sitting to ascertain whether your 10% figure is also applicable to the late sitting.

Our projections have always been that the late sitting tends to attract the more fashion-conscious passengers. Please carry out your further duties accordingly and report back to me via the same secure channel.

6. Formal Nights.

It is pleasing that the code is being observed by the majority of passengers on formal nights.

However, you must remain vigilant at all times and ensure that you render the usual fines and cautions if you see standards starting to slip in any way at all.

As you will be aware, your superiors will be on board QE in January and February 2014, and we intend to prepare a detailed report on this subject for circulation to all ranks.

7. Other Matters.

For some time, I have had my doubts about the mental stability of Agent 006 (aka “The Dead Cat”). He has been guilty of sudden absences from duty without leave and he has failed to meet his target for dress code fines on each of his last 5 tours of duty.

I authorise his termination and disposal as per your proposal. We will provide the usual letter of condolence to his family, together with the appropriate floral tribute.

Continue to proceed surreptitiously and carefully, in accordance with my instructions.

Signed

Louise D

Commander

Cunard Fashion Police

Keep up the good work, Sgt. Cruachan!

If you are indeed aboard the QV at this time, I would appreciate it if you could check the library for the latest McCall Smith book in the 44 Scotland series. (See thread below). Thank you!

Delightful, I actually smiled when reading your posting Cruachan.!.

 

Not surprised at the Lido "horror", (though you do know that there will be someone who will deny it happened ) I saw a similar happening on a previous cruise in the Chart Room, and in July this year on TA, saw a very obese male minus the robe and flip flops , walk through Todd English whilst I was having Lunch there. Quite put me off my food !

Loving this :-)

Oh how I wish we could go back to the glamour of black tie being black tie - oh what would the Dowager Countess of Grantham say to the coloured bow tie and indeed the ready tied bow tie?!

Keep up the good work Cruachan

Apologies for drifting so early but, hey, it's my thread, so here's one for all the "real ship" enthusiasts out there. This is the barque Kruzenshtern (ex Padua). We passed her in 40º 59'N; 10º 04'W at 0915 gmt on 15 Sep as she was southbound on passage from Santander to Barcelona. Kruzenshtern is now a Russian sail training ship but, more importantly, she is one of the last four extant examples of the famous "Flying P-Liners" of the former German shipping company, Laez Line, and is the last of the four still sailing. I have rarely, if ever, seen a more impressive sight at sea and I felt very honoured to be able to photograph her at sea and under sail.

J

Apologies for drifting so early but, hey, it's my thread, so here's one for all the "real ship" enthusiasts out there. This is the barque Kruzenshtern (ex Padua). We passed her in 40º 59'N; 10º 04'W at 0915 gmt on 15 Sep as she was southbound on passage from Santander to Barcelona. Kruzenshtern is now a Russian sail training ship but, more importantly, she is one of the last four extant examples of the famous "Flying P-Liners" of the former German shipping company, Laez Line, and is the last of the four still sailing. I have rarely, if ever, seen a more impressive sight at sea and I felt very honoured to be able to photograph her at sea and under sail.

 

J

 

Thank you for taking and posting this superb photograph of an amazing and very impressive ship. WOW! :) .

I'd be very proud indeed to take a photo half as good as this. Wonderful.

Thank you, thank you. :)

I've spotted a glaring inconsistency in your evidence regarding the Lido infringement:

You say the suspect was wearing a bathrobe and speedos. If he was wearing a bathrobe, how did you ascertain he was also wearing said speedos ?

I put it you that this is a tissue of lies and the defendant is clearly innocent of all charges.

Yours

Rumpole Of The Bailey

(Remember, Rumpole never prosecutes)

Apologies for drifting so early but, hey, it's my thread, so here's one for all the "real ship" enthusiasts out there. This is the barque Kruzenshtern (ex Padua). We passed her in 40º 59'N; 10º 04'W at 0915 gmt on 15 Sep as she was southbound on passage from Santander to Barcelona. Kruzenshtern is now a Russian sail training ship but, more importantly, she is one of the last four extant examples of the famous "Flying P-Liners" of the former German shipping company, Laez Line, and is the last of the four still sailing. I have rarely, if ever, seen a more impressive sight at sea and I felt very honoured to be able to photograph her at sea and under sail.

 

J

 

Stunning picture. I can look at this picture

Forever. This is true sailing

Thanks!

I've spotted a glaring inconsistency in your evidence regarding the Lido infringement:

 

You say the suspect was wearing a bathrobe and speedos. If he was wearing a bathrobe, how did you ascertain he was also wearing said speedos ?

 

I put it you that this is a tissue of lies and the defendant is clearly innocent of all charges.

 

Yours

 

Rumpole Of The Bailey

(Remember, Rumpole never prosecutes)

Cruachan:

The best thread drift ever!

Thank you from myself and my family, who were called over to the computer to view this beautiful ship. We envy you and are so happy you had this amazing opportunity to witness and photograph one of the "Flying P-Liners".

A most stunning picture. We join pepper in his "thank you thank you"!

with our best regards,

seasidegal and family

(As for the aforementioned secret memo, 'Detective Chief Superintendent'

i.e. seasidegal, will reply to the same once she has regained her composure from viewing

such a marvelous sight.)

Apologies for drifting so early but, hey, it's my thread, so here's one for all the "real ship" enthusiasts out there. This is the barque Kruzenshtern (ex Padua). We passed her in 40º 59'N; 10º 04'W at 0915 gmt on 15 Sep as she was southbound on passage from Santander to Barcelona. Kruzenshtern is now a Russian sail training ship but, more importantly, she is one of the last four extant examples of the famous "Flying P-Liners" of the former German shipping company, Laez Line, and is the last of the four still sailing. I have rarely, if ever, seen a more impressive sight at sea and I felt very honoured to be able to photograph her at sea and under sail.

 

J

 

I assume that Jimsgirl means that the male passenger was wearing his robe not tied and not covering his frontal area thus exposing his gut and the speedos underneath the man's gut not a pleasant sight to see :eek: Regards,Jerry

NO ROBE at all, his garment underneath the overhang, was not quite a speedo, as it was made from fabric whose design was the American "Stars and Stripes", felt he should have been brought in front of the Master, then tied to funnel and given 25 lashes with the "cat o' nine tails., then "keelhauled". whilst the QM2 was at full speed ahead.

Take care of QV for me. I am waiting for a good last-minute deal on the cruise after yours, departing 30 September. It looks as though we will almost meet at the port!

If you need me to continue with your investigations, leave a written message in a secret location and send me its whereabouts through these secured channels.

NO ROBE at all, his garment underneath the overhang, was not quite a speedo, as it was made from fabric whose design was the American "Stars and Stripes", felt he should have been brought in front of the Master, then tied to funnel and given 25 lashes with the "cat o' nine tails., then "keelhauled". whilst the QM2 was at full speed ahead.

How many formal nights on the Flying-P Line? Wonderful picture by the way. Did Q Branch fit you with those X-Ray goggles for spotting Speedos and pre tied bow ties discreetly?:eek::D

Just awesome Cruachan!!

Hilarious, loved it. Louise D has responded with further instructions and from the sound of things everything is as well as can be expected. :)

Just awesome Cruachan!!

 

Hilarious, loved it. Louise D has responded with further instructions and from the sound of things everything is as well as can be expected. :)

Totally agree Whitemarsh, enjoying reading these responses.

Catherine

What an excellent read that bought a smile to my face.

The masts of that tall ship bought back some very scary memories but THANK YOU for posting it and how I hope we manage to see a similar sight?

I guess I may well be in the 10% that will be wearing a tie on those informal nights. Would it be testing this agent's powers of observation too much if we were to ask how many men are wearing a pre-tied bow tie? ;)

Thanks again for those brilliant posts.

Hopefully you took other shots of that barque and will they eventually be posted on your web site?

Love this thread!

It's so refreshing after surviving the "whining about the wine policy" and "we're unhappy with the new ship" threads on other boards

and the Picture... beautiful!

Hopefully you took other shots of that barque and will they eventually be posted on your web site?

Hee hee hee - you know that I subscribe to the "thousand monkeys" school of photography. That was one of 83 shots that I took in total. And yes, a selection of the better ones will eventually appear on my website.

J

Important - all current and future Cunard passengers should read this post

In an attempt to minimise the incidence of Norovirus whilst simultaneously reducing the risk of injuries caused by accidental falls on slippery decks around the pool areas, Cunard have introduced a new Health and Safety policy throughout the fleet. I do not currently have access to a scanner so I am unable to reproduce the notice that has been circulated, however I think that the following photograph will serve to summarise the new policy. Please read, mark and inwardly digest.

J

:eek::eek::D:D Noooooo

I am wondering if the word 'dumping' has the same meaning as we sometimes hear in this country?

If you are easily offended then look away now. Do NOT click on the next word that appears here here

No wonder some ships have this noro thingie if dumping has been acceptable! ;)

:eek::eek::D:D Noooooo

 

I am wondering if the word 'dumping' has the same meaning as we sometimes hear in this country?

 

If you are easily offended then look away now. Do NOT click on the next word that appears here here

 

No wonder some ships have this noro thingie if dumping has been acceptable! ;)

Indeed. And yes. Has that meaning in Australia too. But don't tell the Fashion Police because it might upset their gentle sensitivities. Just like the word Lavatory is too common for the Queen. ;)