Serious Suggestions Needed

I really need your help with this, not only for the vacation aspect of it, but for the safety and peace of mind issue.

My dad is 83, and has walking problems. He falls a lot, but absolutely refuses to consider a walker or scooter. It's a man thing and he thinks it's emasculating to use anything. He took a nasty tumble a few days ago, and really hit his head hard. My sister and I would love to take him on a cruise, but there's no way we would do it unless he has a rollator or scooter. Heck, we have a brand new GoGo sitting in the living room that he refuses to even sit on.

So, are we stuck, or do you have any suggestions on how we can convince him it's for his own good?

Your dad doesn't want to lose his independence. Tell him you want to take him on a cruise but won't consider it if he won't use the scooter.

I can seriously understand this! I am 45 and *I* need a wheelchair like what the heck! 6 years ago when I got my first scooter. I was ANGRY how dare my husband.

Took me forever to use it

but now, I have a wheelchair, bet I can go more places and do more things..then you! I know I can wear my husband out! But only as long as I use my chair.

A wheelchair is NOT a loss of independence its gaining your freedom back!! I can do more and see more then ever now and its due to my wheelchair.

Maybe approach it that way, He has lost some fo his independence due to his illness/age, the chair will give ti back to him. He can go to Target and see the entire store. he can go to the man store (lowes home depot) and go in EVER aisle, He can go on a cruise...and have fun.

good luck

Darcie, I would love to give you some great ideas, but I'm still learning from you!

Obviously Dad doesn't understand that he could get so badly injured that he would have to spend the rest of his life in a nursing home. He could damage his mentality and then what?

I'm considerably younger than your dad, but it took me a while to make the connection and to understand that staying as healthy as possible is my responsibility. My quality of life depends on it.

My friends are long since bored with my physical limitations. BORED.

My family is tired of it all, even those who will still talk with me about it.

You could really play hard ball with him and ask him if he likes the wall paper and the paint on his walls as they will be his view unless he wises up.

Maybe staying home is what he really wants to do.

What worries my sister and I is, he lives alone, and he wont listen to us about his safety and our worries about that. See, our mom fell at home, broke her neck, and died 11 miserable days later. We don't want that happening to dad. But his falling is becoming more frequent, and despite that, he won't use any assistance. He wants to live long enough to move with us to Pa, but unless he realizes that a scooter is not giving up independence, but opening up a whole new world of freedom, and that he's not less of a man in doing so, we may have to just hope and pray he doesn't go the way of mom.

Penny, how can friends be bored with your limitations? That's horrible. Those are not friends. My really dear friends don't have a problem with my scootering, and are thrilled to help whenever I need it. I feel really bad for you.

Darcie, don't feel bad for me. Many of my friends are younger folks who grow bored easily on subject of which they have no interest.

But you are correct that most of them are not real friends, but people I just happen to know.

Penny, When I became disabled, the hardest thing for me was not having to adjust to using mobility aids but rather finding out just who my true friends were after all these years . True friends see you for the kind loving individual you are and see beyond one's phyiscal limitations.

Darcie, all I can say is that some how I would tried to make your father understand that using a scooter is not loosing one's independence. Instead it's gaining independence because he'll able to do things and go places on his own. He'll exactly enjoy the cruise better. It'sa matter of improving one's quality of life and removing barriers that limit him greatly by not using the scooter.

One of my least attractive personality traits is that I am stubborn. I think back to the pre-scooter days and wonder how my husband ever put up with me as I was like a millstone around his neck. Somehow I just never clued in that I wasn't just slowing myself down but all those around me as well especially DH who I was probably using as a walker since I couldn't imagine using an aid. Long story short, my daughter basically told me how selfish I was being. I cried, I got a rollator and before I had another conversation like the first one I "graduated" to the scooter. I think what made it a little easier was when my doctor sent me for a Physical Therapy consult because I was falling more frequently. Guess what they recommended - a scooter. Could you arrange such a visit with his doctor?

Darcie,

Somehow your father must be made to understand that he can't walk even short distances at home without a cane (preferably a footed one) or a walker. That's the first priority, and that's difficult. He doesn't want to listen, and probably will never listen to family. A scooter would be better for longer distances, or if he doesn't get tired, then a rollator would be fine.

Men are generally very prideful and don't want to do anything that would make them feel "less like a man," or less vital. I know. Been there.

I think from what you are saying you and dad live in different states. Can you call the state's ombudsman or his insurance and talk to them about getting a case manager assigned to him who can get him evaluated for stability, etc. They are used to dealing with people who don't want to give up their independence, and they know how to make them understand that the person won't be doing so. Other than cost of a doctor which insurance should cover, it shouldn't cost you.

I have my own challenges, and it took me awhile to get used to it. But now, as long as I do what I'm suppose to, I can live a good life. I wish the same for your father.

M.

All my life I was called Klutzy. clumsy, etc... because I fell into walls, up stairs, down stairs over a grain of sand, etc...

In 2002 one of my Doctors realized by just watching me walk across his office to him that my right side is lower than my left by at least 1 inch (now almost 2). All those years I could have had something to keep me from becoming so familiar with painted surfaces, wall paper etc:(

Once the Doctor saw my problem he immediately prescribed a 5 point cane and a rollator for me. I WAS FURIOUS!!! Here I was not even 50 yet and having to use the tools of an old person:(

Long story short in 2002 or 2003 the Doctors decided I needed to use an electric wheelchair and ordered me a HoverRound. I have been on the constant go since!!

My life has opened up for me!! I can go places I could not before. I'd not realized what a recluse I'd become because of my falling all the time.

NOTHING can make your father want to use a cane, walker, rollator, wheelchair or scooter until he has it forced on him by something dramatic happening to him. As you know even after he knows your mom fell and died because of her fall, he is still being his stubborn self.

Can you try and replicate the rolling motions of a ship with a chair rolling it slightly from side to side, of course with people on both sides so he does not fall from the chair? Explain to him that this is just a gentle suggestion of the motion of the ship?? Maybe that will convince him to use a scooter if only for a cruise. And then once he finds how easily he can get around.....

Joanie

Maybe if he has a stylish cane -- perhaps a wooden one or one that looks like wood. That's what my dad used in 2004 -- He was 89 when I took him on the cruise. Any ship will rock & roll some, so if he does not do well on land, he presumably will not do well on the ship. Most ships do have rails in the hallways by the cabins, but not in so much in the open areas, so he would need something for balance. If he takes a cane, be sure his name is on it in more than one place in case he leaves it somewhere.

Darcie - I do not know if this will help of not, however I will share with you the circumstances involving my father.

My father was the traditional “stubborn bullheaded Dane” typical old world European masculinity. So like your father, attempting to convince him to do things for his own good was an impossible task.

At one point in one of our discussions, I told my dad something to the effect, “Daddy, I cannot sit around and watch you die.” Between the firmness in my voice and the tears in my eyes, my father realized there was a problem and even admitted things were not good. That was the turning point as to when he started listening and doing.

I certainly understand your frustrations and hope that your father will do as you and your sister want.

Wishing the best,

Betty

Is it possible that your dad doesn't really care about going on a cruise, even though you and your sister would "love to take him"? My husband is disabled due to a stroke, and I have found that some of the things that I thought would be motivational to him really were not. Maybe your dad would prefer to be comfortable in his home even though you might imagine that to be incredibly boring.

Sounds like a stubborn one. Just like me.

I am 47 and starting to fall alot as well. Fell four times this month. My knees are a mess. Perhaps I will start with a cane. :(

I don't think you can make him do anything he doesnt want to do. Good Luck and I hope you do get him on a cruise.

Sounds like a stubborn one. Just like me.

 

I am 47 and starting to fall alot as well. Fell four times this month. My knees are a mess. Perhaps I will start with a cane. :(

 

I don't think you can make him do anything he doesnt want to do. Good Luck and I hope you do get him on a cruise.

Falls hurt. I know as I've had plenty. You are very wise to avoid or reduce the fall risk.

Although my injuries are improving, I am very careful these days to stay as healthy as possible.

My young Father (70) had never considered he might need a scooter even after watching how it improved my Mothers life 5 years ago after a diagnosis of lung disease. My DS19 has used a manual chair his whole life so Dad is no stranger to wheeled contraptions always being around. Two weeks ago we took a family trip to Walt Disney World and Mom convinced him to rent an ECV at the parks and he is now sold! he wants to clean up her old small scooter so he can use it. can you plan a sight-seeing day trip that involves lots of walking, and rent or borrow a scooter for your dad? I bet if you can just get him to try it once he will realise how much more he can enjoy himself. good luck.

When did your father last have his eyes checked? A large component of balance is vision. If his vision is poor, it can lead to more frequent falls. Also, if he realizes his vision is going but is trying to hide it, that may be part of the reason he refuses a scooter -- fear of running into unseen objects.

If his vision is not the problem, then there is nothing you can do until he's ready to change. We purchased a number of different aids for my father who refused to use most of them. He now has no choice but to use a wheelchair, but it's the only aid he has ever willingly accepted.

Hello from another daughter of a stubborn father ;)

First, why is he falling? Did he see a doctor? My father was getting dizzy, after adjusting his meds he felt much stronger, and he was taking bonine for dizziness.

Next, if this is a balance problem - does he use a cane? A cane with 4 tiny "legs" gives much better support than a regular cane.

Is his blood sugar normal? Maybe he just needs to eat protein snacks between the meals?

What kind of glasses does he have? If bi- or tri-focals, it's like looking through the reading glasses at something far away, maybe he needs regular glasses for walking, and another pair for reading, not combined into one?

The bottom line: find a medical reason for his falls, and go from there.

I was like you.....I wanted my DH to go on cruises because I loved cruising and wanted to enjoy it with him. It was becoming more and more difficult for him to walk from the Dining Room to the Theatre or from our cabin to Explorer's Lounge [he would use a wheelchair and he hated it.] It got to the point where he would just go back to the cabin [which is always located at the back of the of the ship], he might stop on the Panarama Deck and watch the ocean and then go to the cabin and watch T.V. or read.

He would retire early, he would get up very early, he wanted his oatmeal at 5:00am [i wanted to sleep just a little more], and, it seemed that we were going in two different directions and not enjoying the cruising experience together. He wants his "comfort zone"; his bed, his chair, his time to be comfortable, at home. I get it and I respect his feelings. Just like you should respect your Dad's feelings.

So, I cruise with my Service Dog, another family member or friend.

Don't internalize and take your Dad's feelings to heart. He wants to live his life "his way!" Not "your way!"

And, although your Dad and my DH are about 10 years apart in age.....this really isn't an age thing......It's a personality thing. My DH was like this when he was very young. We love traveling together but at very different paces.

He's the tortoise and I'm the hare......

Darcie, We are dealing with this very issue with my FIL. Finally we had his doctor order an in home evaluation. The PT came out and gave him pointers on safely getting around, into bed, etc. They told him that if does not comply and if he keeps falling, then he is looking at serious injury or more scary- assissted living. He now is using a walker that is "right for him" not the rollater that he kept falling with. He also allowed them to get rid of all the throw rugs that he would let us take away. Took the shower doors off and got him a shower chair. Also removed a few doors into rooms, as he was using them to "walk" with. Not an easy thing, but he seems to be able to take the doctors advice, just not ours..