am i unreasonable

[MiniChunks]

To make a long story short i booked a cruise for DW and I, and another couple for our 10th anniversaries. I was pretty clear that I intended on only inviting one other couple, but our friends invited their whole family. We told them we werent interested in that for our trip so they backed out and cancelled. Am i unreasonable for being unwilling to budge in my stance here? I guess i am only asking because i am starting to feel a little guilty.

[CaroleSS]

I can understand that you wanted this to be an intimate vacation and wanted to share it with someone special. Unfortunately, they looked upon it as an opportunity to vacation with their family as well.

 

If you were planning to spend a lot of time as a 4some, I don't think you are being unreasonable. If you were planning to spend a lot of time as a couple, then them bringing their family along shouldn't matter as much.

 

Remember, it's your vacation as well. Try not to let this misunderstanding ruin what was apparently a very good friend!

[MiniChunks]

They are very good friends, and with the addition of 3 children to my family, and their decision not to have kids, we don't get to spend time together like we used to. There are no hard feelings on my part, but i am afraid they don't understand how valuable time away from kids and family is to us. Obviously i love my kids and family, but sometimes time away is priceless. When i can manage to arrange a vacation i kind of want to do it on my terms because the time away is something that doesnt happen often. Yes, our plan was to spend most of our time together as a four or sixsome(if the other couple decided to join).

[cruzngrl]

I don't feel you are being unreasonable. You have your idea of what you want your vacation to entail. A multitude of people will always throw those plans off. My DIL pulls this all the time..whether they are invited to our house for a bbq or whether we are going to their place for an intimate family dinner. She has to invite the whole neighborhood and every person she has ever known. I don't care and don't want to spend time with her friends, I always ask who else is coming..oh..no one...and get blind sided. I realize the whole family is dear to your heart..but...

[LA_CA_GAL]

To make a long story short i booked a cruise for DW and I, and another couple for our 10th anniversaries. I was pretty clear that I intended on only inviting one other couple, but our friends invited their whole family. We told them we werent interested in that for our trip so they backed out and cancelled. Am i unreasonable for being unwilling to budge in my stance here? I guess i am only asking because i am starting to feel a little guilty.

 

You say you were pretty clear about your plans, and your friends ignored your specific requests. I don't think you should feel guilty.

 

However, when we cruise, I accept that anyone who wants to take our cruise is fine by me. There will be a couple of thousand people on the ship, and if some are relatives or friends of friends, so be it.

 

Having been on a number of cruises with groups of over 20, I have found how to avoid those that I want to avoid, and if need be, I have no problem telling folks to buzz off and leave me alone.

[CruisingDaddy]

Unreasonable yes, to a certain degree. I'm not here to judge you as I probably don't know the whole story. This same situation happened to my DW and I on a few occasions. I planned and booked a cruise for us and then in speaking to my brother about us going on a cruise, they decided to book as well. Although it was meant for a quiet cruise for the wife and I, it ended up being the 4 of us. You or I do not own the ship, so unless you booked the entire ship, there is really nothing stopping others from booking on their own. Don't forget, it's their vacation too and this may be their only opportunity at a family vacation.

[agabbymama]

DO NOT FEEL GUILTY. They changed the plan (or tried to) not you.

 

We have a family member that does the exact same thing. We have gotten to where we just don't go to the bbq's or parties now, because we don't like the large crowds that get invited.

 

My niece once planned a "Family" cruise. Ended up with close to 100 people in that group between family and friends that signed up. I'm told the discounts for various excursions were nice, but we opted out and didn't even take the cruise.

 

Have a great cruise and congratulations on your anniversary!

[LA_CA_GAL]

DO NOT FEEL GUILTY. They changed the plan (or tried to) not you.

 

We have a family member that does the exact same thing. We have gotten to where we just don't go to the bbq's or parties now, because we don't like the large crowds that get invited.

 

My niece once planned a "Family" cruise. Ended up with close to 100 people in that group between family and friends that signed up. I'm told the discounts for various excursions were nice, but we opted out and didn't even take the cruise.

 

Have a great cruise and congratulations on your anniversary!

 

If I do not want friends and/or family on my vacation, I plan it and tell no one anything about it. When vacation starts, I disappear from planet earth.

[MiniChunks]

Unreasonable yes, to a certain degree. I'm not here to judge you as I probably don't know the whole story. This same situation happened to my DW and I on a few occasions. I planned and booked a cruise for us and then in speaking to my brother about us going on a cruise, they decided to book as well. Although it was meant for a quiet cruise for the wife and I, it ended up being the 4 of us. You or I do not own the ship, so unless you booked the entire ship, there is really nothing stopping others from booking on their own. Don't forget, it's their vacation too and this may be their only opportunity at a family vacation.

 

I appreciate the feedback, and agree that we don't own the ship which is why we offered to change cruises, or switch theirs since i had done all of the booking and payment to this point. Overall i am just dissapointed that we will not get to share our anniversary vacation together.

[OCruisers]

What's done is done and can't be changed.

Try not to feel guilty about it and enjoy your cruise. :)

LuLu

[Grannycb]

Yes! Start mending your friendship before it slips away.

[bagluvr]

You are not being unreasonable. I would have been really annoyed as well. If I am leaving my own kids at home so I can have an adult vacation, I certainly don't want to hang out with my friends kids. If they want to take a family cruise they can certainly book one on their own instead of tagging along on your couples trip.

[boogs]

You are not being unreasonable. I would have been really annoyed as well. If I am leaving my own kids at home so I can have an adult vacation, I certainly don't want to hang out with my friends kids. If they want to take a family cruise they can certainly book one on their own instead of tagging along on your couples trip.

 

We often travel with another couple. We'll be taking out 4th cruise together in a few months, with several land based vacations also in the mix. I emailed them with about this. We all agree that when we plan a cruise for the four of us, we expect to keep it just the four of us. We believe that the dynamics of the cruise would certainly change if one couple had their family with them, and the other did not.

 

I do not think the OP is being unreasonable at all. If the other couple wanted it to be a family vacation, then they should plan their own cruise, and not hijack plans being made by the OP. To ignore the wishes and expectations of the OP is selfish and disrespectful.

Edited June 17, 2014 by boogs

[Lerin]

Interesting post, I have a different take from previous posts. Just my thoughts based on tidbits of information. Not trying to flame or start a debate.

 

 

Were you paying for the other couple to cruise?

 

If no, then yes you are being unreasonable.

You can't make rules for how others spend their hard-earned vacation money.

 

 

Now if you were paying for everything, then it is alright to have asked nicely how they felt about it being just you 4, however they still have every right to invite 2, 10, or 100 people if they so desire. It is still their vacation, celebration and time away from work.

 

 

While I understand that you wanted to spend your anniversary with just them as that was deep and meaningful to you. They however had a different idea of what their anniversary should look like.

 

In your second post you wrote that you like to vacation "on my terms", well, so does everyone else. Is it possible compromise is not your forte and this is the reason the couple bailed?

Perhaps they found "spending all your time together as a foursome" overwhelming?

 

You said you don't see them much as you used to and blame their lack of kids and understanding. Not trying to be rude, but maybe it's time to look in the mirror and see if there may be another reason you don't see this couple much. How would you have felt if they backed out of the trip citing that it's because you were bringing your kids?

 

 

I do agree with the posters that say it's time to mend your friendship. I'd recommend starting by doing something that is on everybody's terms and not just yours.

Edited June 17, 2014 by Lerin

[alexspepa]

You are not being unreasonable. I would have been really annoyed as well. If I am leaving my own kids at home so I can have an adult vacation, I certainly don't want to hang out with my friends kids. If they want to take a family cruise they can certainly book one on their own instead of tagging along on your couples trip.

 

I believer the OP said the other couple do not have kids - so this is not the case.

 

If it is other adults that are coming, and the OP does not have any "bad history" with the people that were invited - then yes I think she is being a little unreasonable.

 

However I am a 'large crowd" person and my wife is not, so she would probably disagree. I am the one who is always inviting other people - so obviously I don't see the OP's point.

[boogs]

Interesting post, I have a different take from previous posts. Just my thoughts based on tidbits of information. Not trying to flame or start a debate.

 

 

Were you paying for the other couple to cruise?

 

If no, then yes you are being unreasonable.

You can't make rules for how others spend their hard-earned vacation money.

 

 

Now if you were paying for everything, then it is alright to have asked nicely how they felt about it being just you 4, however they still have every right to invite 2, 10, or 100 people if they so desire. It is still their vacation, celebration and time away from work.

 

 

While I understand that you wanted to spend your anniversary with just them as that was deep and meaningful to you. They however had a different idea of what their anniversary should look like.

 

In your second post you wrote that you like to vacation "on my terms", well, so does everyone else. Is it possible compromise is not your forte and this is the reason the couple bailed?

Perhaps they found "spending all your time together as a foursome" overwhelming?

 

You said you don't see them much as you used to and blame their lack of kids and understanding. Not trying to be rude, but maybe it's time to look in the mirror and see if there may be another reason you don't see this couple much. How would you have felt if they backed out of the trip citing that it's because you were bringing your kids?

 

 

I do agree with the posters that say it's time to mend your friendship. I'd recommend starting by doing something that is on everybody's terms and not just yours.

 

So, the next time a friend agrees to meet you somewhere for dinner, you wouldn't think it unreasonable for them to show up with their family at an activity you intended for just the two of you? Yeah, right!

 

Keep in mind the the OP said they booked the cruise for them and their friends, implying it was the OP's plan to have the other couple join them. That the other couple then went and invited their family is disrespectful of the original intent.

Edited June 17, 2014 by boogs

[calliopecruiser]

\ When i can manage to arrange a vacation i kind of want to do it on my terms because the time away is something that doesnt happen often.

 

I'm sure they feel the same way, and wanted an anniversary vacation on their terms as much as you did. Your mistake was simply in not making clear to them what you wanted before you booked. If you wanted time with just the four of you, you should have made that clear - otherwise it should be no surprise that they may have wanted family arround them at their anniversary (which is a celebration of their marriage and so their family).

 

You were no more unreasonable than they were. Don't feel guilty about not wanting the rest of their family there, but don't even consider making them feel guilty about wanting them there. You both wanted different vacations and that wasn't clearly communicated before it all started.

 

Neither of you was right or wrong - you just want different things.

[boogs]

I'm sure they feel the same way, and wanted an anniversary vacation on their terms as much as you did. Your mistake was simply in not making clear to them what you wanted before you booked. If you wanted time with just the four of you, you should have made that clear - otherwise it should be no surprise that they may have wanted family arround them at their anniversary (which is a celebration of their marriage and so their family).

 

You were no more unreasonable than they were. Don't feel guilty about not wanting the rest of their family there, but don't even consider making them feel guilty about wanting them there. You both wanted different vacations and that wasn't clearly communicated before it all started.

 

Neither of you was right or wrong - you just want different things.

 

Read the OP's first post again. There the OP says: "I was pretty clear that I intended on only inviting one other couple". Then read the OP's second post where they say: "we don't get to spend time together like we used to". That the other couple agreed to join them and then changed the focus of the cruise by inviting their family is unfair to the OP.

Edited June 17, 2014 by boogs

[jamessemaj]

What I see here are control issues, which tend to get nasty. The OP expected control of the agreement for a 2 or 3 couple anniversary cruise. The other couple did not comply. I would expect that if the original agreement were abided by there would still have been discord for control issues on the cruise, so it's probably just as well that it won't happen. It is the grounds for the end of friendships. The other couple cancelled, not the OP.

[Karysa]

To make a long story short i booked a cruise for DW and I, and another couple for our 10th anniversaries. I was pretty clear that I intended on only inviting one other couple, but our friends invited their whole family. We told them we werent interested in that for our trip so they backed out and cancelled. Am i unreasonable for being unwilling to budge in my stance here? I guess i am only asking because i am starting to feel a little guilty.

 

This is very simple. Did you ask them to join you on a couples only cruise or did you just say something like we booked a cruise and hoped that you guys would be able to join us? If they told their kids that they were going on a cruise already then I can see why you are feeling guilty OP.

Edited June 17, 2014 by Karysa

[Dayenu]

To make a long story short i booked a cruise for DW and I, and another couple for our 10th anniversaries. I was pretty clear that I intended on only inviting one other couple, but our friends invited their whole family. We told them we werent interested in that for our trip so they backed out and cancelled. Am i unreasonable for being unwilling to budge in my stance here? I guess i am only asking because i am starting to feel a little guilty.

 

By "inviting" do you mean you paid for the other couple's cabin? If not, it's a cruise, anyone can get on the same ship. Are you still friends?

[calliopecruiser]

Read the OP's first post again. There the OP says: "I was pretty clear that I intended on only inviting one other couple". Then read the OP's second post where they say: "we don't get to spend time together like we used to". That the other couple agreed to join them and then changed the focus of the cruise by inviting their family is unfair to the OP.

 

Oh, I believe that she was clear in her intentions, but that doesn't mean that she clearly told them........maybe she intended to, or maybe she thought that it was so obvious to her that it didn't need saying. As I said, it could be that there wasn't clear communication.

 

As for not getting to spend time together like they used to........yeah, so? Perhaps the other couple also wanted to spend time with them, but not exclusively with them, or perhaps not all the time.

 

While you say the other couple changed the focus of the cruise, I say that maybe they weren't so much as consulted about what the focus of THEIR VACATION should be (and didn't agree), or maybe they simply didn't know. We only know one side of the story.

[sail7seas]

They are very good friends, and with the addition of 3 children to my family, and their decision not to have kids, we don't get to spend time together like we used to. There are no hard feelings on my part, but i am afraid they don't understand how valuable time away from kids and family is to us. Obviously i love my kids and family, but sometimes time away is priceless. When i can manage to arrange a vacation i kind of want to do it on my terms because the time away is something that doesnt happen often. Yes, our plan was to spend most of our time together as a four or sixsome(if the other couple decided to join).

 

 

Say exactly that to your friends. Don't let your friendship dissolve over this. Air out your feelings. Let them know why you object and make it clear it is not worth losing friends you care about to obsess. If they want the family vacation, be gracious and wish them Happy Anniversary and go about your own plans. Friends are too precious to not be a bit understanding or at least accepting when they mis-step. And yes, I think they mis-stepped in this instance but inn the end 'so what'? Give 'em a pass. :)

 

[frawnsay]

I've been following this today, so here's my two cents, OP:

 

Regardless of whose idea it was to go on a cruise (in the first place, for the anniversary, as friends, as couples, etc.)...

 

Regardless of the clarity of your intentions (celebrate the anniversary, spend time with friends, focus on "you" time without the presence of children and family, catch up with old buddies, etc.)...

 

Regardless of who paid for what (you paid for your cruise, you paid for your friends' cruise fares)...

 

Regardless of who is cruising (you and your DW, your friends, family, the other passengers, etc.)...

 

Are they friends? If so, put this whole question of am-I-unreasonable to the side and seek your friends. Ensure that no matter what (whether they decide to cruise with you or not) that you want harmony. If you all can smile at this, then the answer to your question is there...no, you are not being unreasonable as you are all able to move on. If you are unable to get past it (you, you and your DW, or them), then I believe that among the couples, there is a level of unreasonable that will not go overlooked.

[SPacificbound]

For you to come here and write the post that you did, obviously you are questioning the way this all turned out.

 

Without there being anyone, neither you or your friends, who were unreasonable, consider something else entirely. It is not unusual for very good friends who get married and then life starts, some go one direction, some another, some have kids, some choose not to, and life moves on. Priorities change, interests change, people change and mature and go their own way. In time the friends no longer have anything much in common but their memories of the way it use to be.

 

You and your wife, happy anniversary. Go on your cruise and make special memories of the two of you having moments to reconnect. Life gets too busy and crazy with jobs and kids and everyday life. Have a wonderful cruise, just the two of you.