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“So a Penguin, a Horse and Polar Bear walk into a bar on the Edge...

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So after landing my new job as a greeter in a local department store, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day.

 

About two hours into my first day on the job, a very loud, mean looking woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

Pleasantly I said, “Welcome! Such nice children you have there, are they twins?”

Of course her children were at least two years apart, and while they shared common features, they certainly didn’t look like each other.

 

The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Hell no, they ain’t twins! The oldest one's nine and the other one's seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind or stupid?“

So I replied, “I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am. I just can't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping with us.”

 

My Supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.
 

 

 

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I know a bullet proof Irishman.

His name is Rick O'Shea.

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Sorry to break the joke chain, but I love you all! I read the first page of posts back in March. Then, my cruise was cancelled, the news was getting worse and worse, and I couldn't bring myself to log in to CC.

 

Flash forward, I have a Dec 2021 cruise booked with my FCC, and I stumbled upon this post. Wow, you guys are funny and amazing and just what I needed. I'll come back with a joke. Thank you! 

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A woman was having a memorial service for her late husband. He didn't have many talkative friends so when she asked if anyone would like to speak, she was pleased when a stranger raised his hand and said, "I would like to say a word."

The man walked to the microphone and said, "Plethora" and sat down.

The woman said, "Thank you. That means a lot."

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A guy comes into a bar does two cart wheels and a back flip ending up in a seat at the. bar and orders a martini. One of the other patrons says "wow, that's unusual! " The bartendert says "yeah, he usually orders a beer."

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7 hours ago, goofysmom99 said:

A woman was having a memorial service for her late husband. He didn't have many talkative friends so when she asked if anyone would like to speak, she was pleased when a stranger raised his hand and said, "I would like to say a word."

The man walked to the microphone and said, "Plethora" and sat down.

The woman said, "Thank you. That means a lot."

I hate people who use big words just to make them look perspicacious.

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12 hours ago, centurycruiser said:

I hate people who use big words just to make them look perspicacious.

 

My motto is "Eschew obfuscation."

 

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A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the “Chicken Surprise”. The waiter brings the meal served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she sees two little beady eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

“Good grief, did you see that?” she asks her husband.

He didn’t, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and agin the lid rises, and he sees the two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an explanation.

“Please sir.” says the waiter, “ what did you order?”

The husband replies, “ Chicken Surprise

"Oh, i am so sorry sir”, says the waiter, “ I brought you Peking Duck!"

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