Jump to content
Cruise Critic Community

Truthiness on the Maasdam (by tomc)

tomc

By tomc,
in Holland America Line

Recommended Posts

tomc

tomc

Posted
Posted

TRUTHINESS: The truth you feel in your gut, as opposed to facts found in books. (Stephen Colbert, "The Colbert Report," Comedy Central.)

 

Cutbacks On The Maasdam,

Truthiness Editition

A real post will follow in a few days

 

Well, it's happened. The Masdam has hit the major cutback stage. As I mentioned in someone else's thread, they even cut out the first "A" to save it for the next ship in the line. It's been the MA SDAM until they can weld the letters together on the bow and stern

 

The MUSTER DRILL is now officially the Mustard Drill, as Gulden's Hot & Spicy is sponsoring them. The Captain's announcement now includes "All the hardtack biscuits in the lifeboats come with Gulden's mustard as you wait for rescue."

 

Lifebelts are now those little yellow tubes with duck heads you used in your backyard pool as kids. They're not as effective, but also not as expensive. Besides, headquarters knows that ships never sink.

 

The Captain now has library duty, same as any other crew member. In his place, HAL has announced "Drive the bigest car in the world: Steer the MA SDAM. $50 for 30 minutes." One CEO, yesterday, plunked down $1,000 for different times during the cruise.

 

The corkage fee has been kept at $18, but now you must find your favorite wine in the storage room, get a holder and ice, uncork and pour it yourself, while the sommelier stands by, watching and smiling.

 

Speaking of fees, there is now a "flushage" fee for your cabin toilets. Fifty cents per dump. Pee all you want for free.

 

The Purell stands, I noticed, have been replaced with an inferior brand but with an almost identical name. You can hardly tell. It's now "Purehell."

 

You have to make your own bed. On it is a note: "You are expected to make your bed. What the #$%#@ did your mother teach you, eh?"

 

They cut back on entertainment. The comedian only told one joke.

 

Formal night varies according to geography. If you are south of the Mason-Dixon line, then shirt, tie and dungarees are suitable.

 

The tenders have been replaced by rowboats. Guess who has to row.

 

The diningroom music, formerly so graceful, has been cut back, as well. Now it's a guy with a big mustache wandering around cranking a hurdy-gurdy with a monkey on a leash begging coins.

 

All the signs, naturally, have braille transcriptions. They eliminated some of the dots to save for the new ships. I can read braille and noticed that "Rotterdam Dining Room," in braille, now reads, "Upyernoz widarubrhoz."

 

It's way too late to be serious, but seriously:

I will have a review of seem to be cutbacks after I've been on the entire trip, up and back. I'll rate them on a scale of "So, what's the big deal?" to "This tub looks like the Wreck of the Hesperus."

Link to comment
Share on other sites
usha

usha

Posted
Posted
Lifebelts are now those little yellow tubes with duck heads you used in your backyard pool as kids.

Oh, well, only about 5% of the onboard population actually knows the correct way to put one of those crazy HAL life vests on, anyway!;):D

Link to comment
Share on other sites
ger_77

ger_77

Posted
Posted

I love it! Are you sure, though, that you weren't on Easy Cruise? Sounds more like their offerings. Thanks for a good laugh on a grey, rainy day in the not-frozen-anymore-tundra.

 

Smooth Sailing! :):):)

Link to comment
Share on other sites
jtl513

jtl513

Posted
Posted
They cut back on entertainment. The comedian only told one joke.
And I'll bet the magician's first trick was to make himself disappear! :D

 

Love your posts! Please don't ever get too serious. :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites
AirGorilla

AirGorilla

Posted
Posted

 

 

 

 

 

 

.

Formal night varies according to geography. If you are south of the Mason-Dixon line, then shirt, tie and dungarees are suitable.

 

 

QUOTE]

 

And if you're from NORTH of the M-D Line, it's Bermuda Shorts, long black socks, and sandals!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites
tomc

tomc

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Things are getting tense onboard with the cutbacks.

 

The Pinnacle Restaurant is no more. It's now "The Exotic Spot," also known as "The Tastes Like Chicken" restaurant. Its selling point is that cultures around the world often have foods we never hear of here, or --having heard of them-- run away as fast as possible, despite people shouting, "It tastes just like chicken!" The offerings are not named, but outside the room it says, "Appreciate the cultures of the world. If it walks, swims, crawls or slithers, you'll find it here. Remember: it all tastes like chicken." I stayed away.

 

The 50 cents a day sheet charge is just one more outrage. And it's being enforced the same way as alcohol and Lido trays: If you bring your own onboard, they will be taken away and given back at the end of your cruise. Pillowcases, of course, are extra.

 

Stabilizers are charged now! The Captain requests you dial a number and hang up if the ship is rocking too much; when 75% is reached, he activates them. $1/day per pax, plus service charge for using the phone.

 

CLUB HAL: Kiss it goodbye, at least for the fun and enjoyment the kids had. Leave it to cost-cutting, fee-imposing HAL to come up with this little scam: For $10 (mandatory for each child under 10), girls and boys can shadow a cabin crew member. It's called "Mommy's Little HALper," and they learn how to make beds, empty wastebaskets and clean toilets.

 

CLUB HAL for the older teens: Same fee, but this part of the program will give you son or daughter "the talk" and tell them all the dange spots on the ship where making out might lead to going too far. (Act quickly, it says, as this is usually sold out.)

 

I don't know where these cutbacks will ever end.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
arlenez

arlenez

Posted
Posted

Tom, have you ever thought about writing a book about what you should know about cruising that nobody tells you about until it''s too late? It would definitely be a best seller.

 

Keep it coming, you're hilarious.

 

Regards,

Arlene

Link to comment
Share on other sites
the2ofus

the2ofus

Posted
Posted

Oh tomc, I've been so looking forward to another of your wonderful "live from" threads. As always you do not disappoint. However.....tomorrow morning I will be sure to finish drinking my coffee BEFORE I sit down at my keyboard!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Go to topic listing
  • Forum Jump
    • Categories
      • Welcome to Cruise Critic
      • New Cruisers
      • Cruise Lines “A – O”
      • Cruise Lines “P – Z”
      • River Cruising
      • ROLL CALLS
      • Cruise Critic News & Features
      • Digital Photography & Cruise Technology
      • Special Interest Cruising
      • Cruise Discussion Topics
      • UK Cruising
      • Australia & New Zealand Cruisers
      • Canadian Cruisers
      • North American Homeports
      • Ports of Call
      • Cruise Conversations
×
×
  • Create New...