Cruising with "difficult to please" family members

[wwcruisers]

For the record the OP stated "The problem is one of my in-laws." . OP did not state that the problem was with "MIL"

 

For the record, look at the OP again.

 

Well, actually, it could be the OP's SIL -- they can be "high maintenance", as well (whoops -- hope neither of mine is reading this). ;)

Hopefully, the OP will return to fill in some of the details, as well as telling us what was decided. :cool:

[TEXASMUNK]

99.9% of the time when one person has "issues" it matters not what everyone else does..they will always find an issue!!!!!

 

You can arrange for them to use the Captain's quarters on a ship, have the ship go only where the "issue" person wants to go, have ten waiters, 37 chefs, 82 bartenders and 27 cabin stewards at their back and call....and the "issue" person will find an issue!

 

If you are home, you can leave...if you are on a ship....you are stuck!

 

Great idea! But, wow, are you ever opening yourself up to a nightmare cruise!

 

PS..translate "issues" into "I want attention"

[windjamming]

Wow, thanks all for your suggestions! How about we send all of our "difficult" family members on a cruise together during the holidays?

 

Well, actually, it could be the OP's SIL -- they can be "high maintenance", as well (whoops -- hope neither of mine is reading this). ;)

Hopefully, the OP will return to fill in some of the details, as well as telling us what was decided. :cool:

 

It's my SIL, my brother's wife.

 

At this point I'm leaning towards no. While it would be fabulous to spend Christmas on a ship, I think there would be a lot of stress, and what many of you mentioned just reinforced the concerns. Like wwcruisers posted, it seems she has trouble when she feels powerless, and I fear that even something simple like an agreement that everyone meets for 8:30 seating could turn into more drama than I want on a vacation.

 

My concern with a Christmas cruise for an extended family group would be what if some people cannot afford to do a cruise at this time of year? It would be very sad to be left at home while your extended family were off cruising together.

 

That's also a valid concern...and even if it wasn't an issue, I'd be wondering if she'd have issues if we didn't all have the same kind of staterooms et al.

 

Anyway, still a lot to consider. Thanks all for your thoughtful suggestions!

[sleepless]

For the record, look at the OP again.

 

 

Again, I do no see her make reference to her "mother" -in-law. She is referring to a female relative - could be sister in law, brother in law's wife, cousin, aunt, etc. Every female relative is not the mom.

[reallyitsmema]

Well, actually, it could be the OP's SIL -- they can be "high maintenance", as well (whoops -- hope neither of mine is reading this). ;)

Hopefully, the OP will return to fill in some of the details, as well as telling us what was decided. :cool:

 

Very true. I should have just ignored the other posters snitty post. At least the OP has clarrified who it is. I would make sure they were left home.:eek:

 

Again, I do no see her make reference to her "mother" -in-law. She is referring to a female relative - could be sister in law, brother in law's wife, cousin, aunt, etc. Every female relative is not the mom.

Yes, the OP has already come back and explained it but if you need to explain it again, go for it.:rolleyes:

[dln929]

Wow, thanks all for your suggestions! How about we send all of our "difficult" family members on a cruise together during the holidays?

 

 

 

It's my SIL, my brother's wife.

 

At this point I'm leaning towards no. While it would be fabulous to spend Christmas on a ship, I think there would be a lot of stress, and what many of you mentioned just reinforced the concerns. Like wwcruisers posted, it seems she has trouble when she feels powerless, and I fear that even something simple like an agreement that everyone meets for 8:30 seating could turn into more drama than I want on a vacation.

 

 

 

That's also a valid concern...and even if it wasn't an issue, I'd be wondering if she'd have issues if we didn't all have the same kind of staterooms et al.

 

Anyway, still a lot to consider. Thanks all for your thoughtful suggestions!

 

We went on a Christmas cruise and it was just lovely! It would be a shame if you wanted to take a cruise and this one SIL held the rest of you back. Since there is a fair bit of money involved, don't you think it would be best if you spoke informally with the rest of your family to see how everyone felt? If the majority wanted to take the cruise because they--like you--thought it would be a fabulous family vacation--then I'd say go! I'm guessing that if the majority was a "YES" for the experience, everyone would help out in making sure difficult SIL had an enjoyable time, too. Good luck to you.

[CntPAcruiser]

Is there a "like" button on here ? My wife's sister would bitch if you hung her with a new rope !

 

99.9% of the time when one person has "issues" it matters not what everyone else does..they will always find an issue!!!!!

 

PS..translate "issues" into "I want attention"

 

I used to be this person--nothing was ever "right" and there was always something to complain about. Until I realized this was ruining my relationships with family, I didn't do anything about it. You cannot change this person--she has to change herself, changer her own attitude. Until then, I wouldn't travel with her, let alone on a cruise. I would have hated being trapped on a ship with the person I used to be. One of the best things I ever heard was to lower expectations--that way, when things are good, they seem great, and when they are not so great, it's no big deal. That's my attitude now for trips, restaurants, etc., and it works for me.

[Winnigirl]

Your sister-in-law is an adult. It is her decision if she chooses to get miffed, be insulted, get angry or be miserable. She is the only one responsible for her behaviour. Drama queens are drama queens for a reason. They love the attention. They love to watch people falling all over themselves to appease them. It isn't your responsibility to keep her happy or tiptoe around her. If you do that you will ruin your cruise. Is keeping her happy really worth you being stressed?

 

Personally, I wouldn't go on vacation with her, but that is up to you. Have you thought about just getting away with your immediate family on a Christmas cruise. Extended families are wonderful but it's perfectly ok to want to have a quiet Christmas cruise without them.

[RockeyBullwinkle]

you could always just take your family on the cruise and have a get together before or after if you really need to have one. unless you plan to pay everyone's way I would skip the whole extended family part.

[WpgCruise]

We did this once. Never again.

 

While it is easy to say to establish boundaries, establish expectations, don't let them get under your skin and so on, it just didn't work for us.

 

The result was no one had a good vacation, we were always on pins wondering when the other shoe would drop, and when we got home we really needed a vacation.

 

Your mileage may differ and for those who are able to reach an accommodation with that "difficult" person in your family or group I say great, but nope, never again for us.

[Bill_B.]

Liberty is a great ship with lots to do. Christmas is stressful enough and you want to do gifts onboard as well? And there is the possibility that what you have in mind might not be what pans out. Your braver than me good luck :) Liberty off the coast of Belize Jan. 2013. Enjoy.

 

 

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[ssb]

Your sister-in-law is an adult. It is her decision if she chooses to get miffed, be insulted, get angry or be miserable. She is the only one responsible for her behaviour. Drama queens are drama queens for a reason. They love the attention. They love to watch people falling all over themselves to appease them. It isn't your responsibility to keep her happy or tiptoe around her. If you do that you will ruin your cruise. Is keeping her happy really worth you being stressed?

 

Personally, I wouldn't go on vacation with her, but that is up to you. Have you thought about just getting away with your immediate family on a Christmas cruise. Extended families are wonderful but it's perfectly ok to want to have a quiet Christmas cruise without them.

 

I agree with you!

Mayb

The best thing that may come out

of the cruise that's it becomes

an informal intervention

and the family is better for.

[windjamming]

We went on a Christmas cruise and it was just lovely! It would be a shame if you wanted to take a cruise and this one SIL held the rest of you back. Since there is a fair bit of money involved, don't you think it would be best if you spoke informally with the rest of your family to see how everyone felt? If the majority wanted to take the cruise because they--like you--thought it would be a fabulous family vacation--then I'd say go! I'm guessing that if the majority was a "YES" for the experience, everyone would help out in making sure difficult SIL had an enjoyable time, too. Good luck to you.

 

It's a good idea to start bringing others into the conversation about Christmas...even if it's only June! Without getting into too much of the drama, some things were said between certain members of the family and my SIL last Christmas, and I had hoped that a change in scenery this year would make things right.

 

I used to be this person--nothing was ever "right" and there was always something to complain about. Until I realized this was ruining my relationships with family, I didn't do anything about it. You cannot change this person--she has to change herself, changer her own attitude. Until then, I wouldn't travel with her, let alone on a cruise. I would have hated being trapped on a ship with the person I used to be. One of the best things I ever heard was to lower expectations--that way, when things are good, they seem great, and when they are not so great, it's no big deal. That's my attitude now for trips, restaurants, etc., and it works for me.

 

Thank you for sharing. I'm pulling for SIL to turn the corner as you did. If she were just a friend, I would have no problem cutting her out of my life, but the fact that she's married to my brother makes me want to keep trying ways to make it work. Not sure cruising is the right way, though.

[tillydog]

To the OP, FWIW, I wouldnt be taking her on the cruise! My SIL is also of the "Drama Queen" mould, and there is noooooooooo way I would ever take a land-based or cruise holiday with her in tow!!

[Virtopia]

I think a cruise is the perfect way to get away from this person.

I've reached the point in my life where I don't need to be around toxic people. If they are around, I simply ignore them. They can fuss all they want, but they'll get no response from me. I'm not going to spend my time dealing with their drama....especially on a cruise.

 

I definitely agree with this and this is the reason why my next few cruises will be solo. I'm not in the mood for any tantrums while I'm on vacation.

 

My first cruise was with my sister and it was fine after I told her she couldn't follow me everywhere on the ship. My last cruise was with my aunt and two cousins and although we enjoyed ourselves, there were moments where I wish I had my own cabin to go back to just to get away.

 

I agree with those that said to take only the immediately family; you'll be happy you did.

[Familygoboston]

I used to be this person--nothing was ever "right" and there was always something to complain about. Until I realized this was ruining my relationships with family, I didn't do anything about it. You cannot change this person--she has to change herself, changer her own attitude. Until then, I wouldn't travel with her, let alone on a cruise. I would have hated being trapped on a ship with the person I used to be. One of the best things I ever heard was to lower expectations--that way, when things are good, they seem great, and when they are not so great, it's no big deal. That's my attitude now for trips, restaurants, etc., and it works for me.

 

PA Cruiser- it's incredibly brave of you to not only make this kind of change, but be humble enough to share it!

 

I agree with you and OP, I think the best advice you will get here is that only the offending IL is responsible for her behavior and good time. Your responsibility is just to make sure you have buy in from the majority and then leave all the individual cabin choosing, planning etcetera to each immediate family.

 

I do tend to agree about the idea that even as tense as the family gathering was last year, at least you could all make your goodbyes, hop in the car and GO. On a cruise you are stuck with each other for 5-7 days.

 

I also have a family member and spouse who are a whole ball of crazy ( I now you are curious, but we really don't have enough time:rolleyes:) and I've learned to firmly say "no" to the stuff I won't do, and make the best of the stuff we will; always keeping them at arms length, not letting anyone else's guilt trip affect my willingness to deal with their crazy. As my very wise MIL tells me (from her 12 step meetings) "you don't have to go to every fight you are invited to":D;)

 

Sometimes a neutral site can do wonders! Good luck with whatever you decide!

[Mom.to.2]

Some of your in-law's behavior sound like Borderline Personality Disorder.

 

If your SIL behaviors are extreme enough to be considered BPD, I'd caution against a cruise with her. Establishing expectations & boundaries are critical like many pp have pointed out, but in the end she may still cause enough drama to suck the joy out of the cruise. Is it worth the chance?

[silverfoxcruiser]

.

 

"you don't have to go to every fight you are invited to":D;)

 

Took me a long time to learn that, and never saw it in print or heard it said. I've live by this profound message for many years now, for self protection. Product of a big, crowded, wonderful Irish Catholic family upbringing, with strong tones of alcoholism. There is sometimes more drama than Broadway! Finally figured it out, and separated myself. It's been my salvation, although I continue to love my family. Thank you for stating and repeating this profound truth. It will probably release me from a lot of guilt over a wake I prefer not to attend. Silver

[F27TW]

 

It's my SIL, my brother's wife.

 

 

What a shame your brother doesn't have the balls to come down hard on her and keep her ridiculous behavior in check in situations like this. She sounds like an idiot, but he is her enabler ... how sad for the rest of your family that they will miss out on a great cruise just because she;s been permitted to behave this way.

[Theatre01]

I have a fair bit of experience with this issue. My hard to please relatives are close relatives, which means that it is difficult to simply say "don't vacation" with them.

 

For example, my dad does not handle stress or change well, and can be a bear to deal with when he wants to be. He can also be nice and loving. I continue to vacation with him, but have learned to attempt to minimize the problems - plan ahead, avoid stressful situations, etc. Dad is particular about what he eats, so I check menus ahead of time to ensure there are things he will be able to eat (while still providing a variety for everyone else). Luckily, he likes having his personal travel agent, and my efforts have been rewarded with wonderful vacations with people I love.

 

I also have family that aren't happy if they do not get their way. They tend to stay home if they have to pay their own way, so that works out.

 

With all that said, to the OP, perhaps Christmas - which can be stressful in and of itself - is not the time to try this. Maybe a shorter 4 day cruise during a non-holiday will allow you to have the experience without the added holiday stressors.

[CntPAcruiser]

PA Cruiser- it's incredibly brave of you to not only make this kind of change, but be humble enough to share it!

 

I agree with you and OP, I think the best advice you will get here is that only the offending IL is responsible for her behavior and good time. Your responsibility is just to make sure you have buy in from the majority and then leave all the individual cabin choosing, planning etcetera to each immediate family.

 

I do tend to agree about the idea that even as tense as the family gathering was last year, at least you could all make your goodbyes, hop in the car and GO. On a cruise you are stuck with each other for 5-7 days.

 

I also have a family member and spouse who are a whole ball of crazy ( I now you are curious, but we really don't have enough time:rolleyes:) and I've learned to firmly say "no" to the stuff I won't do, and make the best of the stuff we will; always keeping them at arms length, not letting anyone else's guilt trip affect my willingness to deal with their crazy. As my very wise MIL tells me (from her 12 step meetings) "you don't have to go to every fight you are invited to":D;)

 

Sometimes a neutral site can do wonders! Good luck with whatever you decide!

 

I was nearly going to reply that it was part of the 12 steps, until I read further into your post. In any case, it's helpful for me to remind myself what I've gained by being more positive about what really matters.

 

Also loving "you don't have to go to every fight you are invited to"--I'd not heard that one before but I think I'm going to stitch a sampler and put it on the wall at work.:D

[WetToes]

Hello all- hoping some of you may have personal experience on this topic and can provide insight.

 

This year we are considering a big family cruise for Christmas. While we have done New Years cruises (after the family get-togethers), the idea of unwrapping presents while in the Caribbean is very attractive, and I think would be a lot of fun. No cooking, no cleaning, and everyone can do and eat whatever they want!

 

The problem is one of my in-laws. She is...difficult and gets very upset at perceived slights. Don't get me wrong - she has a big heart - but I think tends to be oversensitive and kind of dramatic. I get on with her fine, but truthfully, she is taxing to be around, and the last few Christmases have been a bit of a bummer.

 

Would a cruise work? On one hand, I'm thinking it would be awesome because we could all do whatever we wanted during the day and only have to meet up at night. On the other hand, I'm scared of any scenes she might create, and traveling with family might be *really* stressful.

 

We are considering the Liberty of the Seas, which should have a ton of activities and things to do.

 

Has anyone here dealt with a similar situation?

 

This is something I would not be doing. Having someone like your SIL on a cruise with me is not something I would look forward to. I'd be on edge and unable to relax.

If she has a bad time would it bring everyone down? Would not want my cruise ruined by this. I also would feel very responsible (and sad) if her actions/mood affected everyone else in a bad way.

Good luck!

[Desert Cruizers]

Our adult daughter will be experiencing her first cruise with us next year and though we are paying her way, I told her, once on board, she can come & go as she pleases, if she wishes to take one of the tours with her new friends to go do it. At the sametime, I am letting her know about getting back on board in time, other tips of the trade, process of embarking/disembarking and will no dobt go over things again as we get closer.

[kee]

What a shame your brother doesn't have the balls to come down hard on her and keep her ridiculous behavior in check in situations like this. She sounds like an idiot, but he is her enabler ... how sad for the rest of your family that they will miss out on a great cruise just because she;s been permitted to behave this way.

 

Yep, exactly what is going on..enabler.

[RockeyBullwinkle]

What a shame your brother doesn't have the balls to come down hard on her and keep her ridiculous behavior in check in situations like this. She sounds like an idiot, but he is her enabler ... how sad for the rest of your family that they will miss out on a great cruise just because she;s been permitted to behave this way.

 

I suspect she keeps them