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Majesty 3/14 -A Kiss Goodbye & a few slaps in the face

JohnGaltny
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JohnGaltny

JohnGaltny

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This little rant tells the short saga of our “Kiss Goodbye” cruise on Majesty of the Seas. When we booked, Majesty was leaving the fleet but is now staying. However, for other reasons this was indeed our kiss goodbye.

 

The traveling circus this time was myself, the wife, son, D/i/L and granddaughter, aided and abetted by 8 friends. However, Homeless Ralph finally lost his normal game of chicken so none of us got “Ralphed” on this trip.

 

Standard Disclaimer: This review contains miscellaneous ramblings, weird thoughts, opinions and possibly some humor that may be harmful to the delicate sensibilities of the PC Police, Royal Carribots or members of the Society of Perpetual Outrage (SOPO). If you belong to any of these, or are a highly evolved and sensitive individual, please stop here and go read the newest list of cruise directors or menus.

 

Prologue - Getting there is half the fun (no it’s not)

 

As with any Florida cruise, the trip (as opposed to the vacation) begins with the wonderful game of aviation madness and those wonderful folks at TSA. While we usually fly in the morning of the cruise, scheduling out of New York in mid-March requires at least as much caution as crossing 5th Avenue at rush hour and much more than smoking a joint with the Mayor in Mr. DiBlasio’s neighborhood.

 

Therefore we booked our normal Jet Blue to FLL the day before, fully expecting a blizzard or at least an ATC traffic jam somewhere along the way. What we got was a 60 degree departure day and an absolutely perfect flight with JetBlue. Once in Fort Lauderdale it has been my custom to hire a car service to Miami but this time we had 5 adults and a 3 year old so when I checked prices for the 30 minute ride I needed a second mortgage or a side business as a hijacker to pay the freight so we decided to explore the mysteries of mass transit to our overnight at the Crown Plaza - MIA. If you don’t mind walking far enough to actually BE in Miami and waiting at various shuttle/train stations, this isn’t a bad deal although your trek is now about 2 hours instead of 30 min.

 

We arrived at the hotel at about 2:00 and check in was a breeze. However, there were aspects of the property that reminded me of a maximum security prison with wood paneled walls. Want to get the elevator to your room? Slide your room card. Want to go in or out of the pool? Slide your room card. Want to use the stairs it’s like the old commercials for Roach Motels” you can get in, but you can’t get out. Without my longtime bodyguard and courage provider, Jack Daniels, I didn’t have the guts to enter the stairwells to investigate whether any unsuspecting souls had rotted to skeletons in there.

 

All in all it was a fine hotel with clean rooms, strong WiFi and the occasional amusement of watching a demolition derby right outside the front door. There was also a breakfast buffet for just $17.95 unless you want to add “supplements” like French Toast, hash browns or anything outside of eggs and bacon which added $6.00 or so. No way to get so little as a bagel or a glass of orange juice but I did get a 6 oz. cup of brownish water for just $2.00 (no charge for the milk).

 

And so there was evening and morning on the first day.

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JohnGaltny

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Embarkation Day and the demise of several long traditions

 

I awoke to an outraged text from one of our party telling me that they had received an email giving reporting times to the dock. Apparently they had received three different times for one family. I explained that the email had the same validity as a BA in English Lit. from a liberal arts college and not to worry. Crisis solved we took the 10:30 shuttle, arriving at 11:00 and literally walked through security and onto the ship with not a line in sight anywhere.

 

Majesty was my first (of 10) cruises on RCI and the little ship has always been one of my favorites. It has everything we need, basically, a cabin, the MDR, the casino and my favorite Schooner bar of any RCI ship. Since we don’t need specialty restaurants, suicide pools, intrusive “all ads” screens above the pool, the only loss for us was the balcony since I won’t take out that 2nd mortgage for a suite and, to date, have refused all offers to sell my granddaughter).

 

We also like the itinerary for short trips since it is just Nassau, Coco Cay and the mission objective Key West. This will become important later. Also, this itinerary means the only non-English speaking country we visited was Miami.

 

Once aboard at approximately 11:20 we found the Windjammer already open and it was so early that I was deprived of the first tradition, watching the 200 person rugby scrum that usually occurs outside it at about 11:45.

On the bright side, we walked right in, obtained a not horrible lunch and took actually found a table for 6 on our first lap. Lunch over, we retired to poolside and my son began his week long campaign to get maximum RoI on his Preferred Drink package ($63.00/ day up from $55.00 on Adventure last year). I am happy to report that he was even by Tuesday and, given yet another bump in RCI’s drink prices, his package was a better investment than any stock I have ever owned. (on that note, my standard food group - Jack Daniels & water - has gone from $7.44 in 2014 to $10.56 this year.) Now there’s a real WOW for you.

 

Cabins were called on time at 1:00 PM and we retired to quarters where we found that, for the first time ever, our luggage had beaten us to the cabin. The cabin itself is about the size of two walk in closets but we knew that going in. The stowage is adequate and there was no “Flushin Roulette” this trip. Our steward, Kenroy, was mostly invisible all week but the room was clean and the ice bucket was always full. I like to kid with the steward but it’s not a requirement and, for the most part, he did a fine job except for robes that didn’t show up until the last day and there was never one of those room service breakfast cards. As it turns out, this was less than important (more on this later).

 

During our poolside time we discovered that this was a dreaded Spring Break cruise. For most people I have read on here such events are equivalent to the long march or a marathon recording of Hillary Clinton laughing. For me, it meant that my wife and I would spend the week enjoying some truly silly behavior appropriate to their age while realizing that if there had been spring break back when one of my classmates was a Stegosaurus, we probably would not have been able to afford to go anyway. As a result, we did not feel any loss or envy at their good time. Also, not unimportantly (and certainly not normal on a cruise) 80% of the myriad bikinis in view actually looked good and not one approximated the proverbial alligator handbag walking upright. To us, it’s a fair trade against the occasional drunken rambles in the bars and the cat scratch singing at the piano in the Schooner.

 

We also found that we had reached the cruise version of Nirvana since the casino and my “at sea” office (the Schooner) were adjacent to each other and on the same deck as our cabin. To quote an old beer commercial, “ It doesn’t get any better than this”. It meant no late night staggers between decks and no non-essential use of the elevators. Thus my biggest worry all week was that nobody stepped on my fingers going back to the cabin at 3:00 AM. HUZZAH!!!!!

 

Sailaway and a major tradition on the trash heap of history

 

Muster drill was the usual breeze and we prepared for sailaway. For the last 9 cruises over 7 years I have always taken station in the Viking Crown Lounge where I deviate from my Jack Daniels standard and choose drinks by spinning a color wheel for each order. Normally by the third color I am standing OD watch and ready to rush to the bridge if the conning officer shows any sign of course deviation. However this time, being merely Platinum , I got kicked out of the VC which was reserved for Diamond and two “Private Parties”. Now I have been invited to leave other places in my three score years but this one hurt and as I sadly slunk away my color wheel was dispatched to the winds of history (actually to the Trash Only filing cabinet). Ahh well, as they say in Brooklyn - c’est la vie”.

 

After my humiliating defeat in my battle with the VC, we went to the MDR where we met our wait staff, Carlos and Alona. These two were nothing short of awesome all week and Alona was so solicitous of my 3 yr old GDD that it almost got embarrassing. Then again, a child who sits quietly, doesn’t make a scene, doesn’t throw food and says “please and thank you” must be a huge relief to them, not to mention that these people probably have kids they don’t see for 8 months at a time so I guess it’s understandable.

The personal feel we had been missing until Adventure last year was evident all week. In addition, the first night we had two tables due to the 13 member freak parade but the 2nd night they had put the two together on their own. Small thing yes but combine that with 5 star service and they truly earned both the WOW notes on the survey and the extra tips at the end of the week.

 

Mandatory discussion - Food - I know, I know, food is always subjective but no review is allowed without one so I will dispense with it now. The food this trip reminded me of the late William F. Buckley describing a senator whose name I forget – “Extravagantly Mediocre”. There was nothing truly horrible but nothing that would cause me to order seconds. Also, here was clear evidence of the RCI cutbacks. For example the steak the first night had excellent flavor but the meat was tough, chewy and sub par. That combination tells me that the chef is really good but is hamstrung by the procurement department ordering lesser quality cuts. This same comment could be applied to 90% of the meals we had although it’s tougher to judge breakfast since the Windjammer makes it impossible to collect food from 5 different stations and find a table while the food is still the almost warm it is kept in the buffet troughs. WHEW - digression over. We now return to our regularly scheduled review.

 

At this point I will tell you that on Majesty, the old WOW factor that endeared RCI to us in the first place is still there in full force throughout the ship. That “we’re glad you’re here” feeling was a constant presence with everyone from the bartenders through the odd crew member we met in the passageways. Perhaps it’s because they are dealing with only 2300 pax instead of 5,000 which surely reduces the raw number of blind geeks and entitled waterheads they must deal with (or for the grammar people - with whom they must deal).

 

Anyway, I set my “at sea” office in the Schooner and we basically commandeered one of the couch sections aft of the piano for the week. We became BFF’s with two terrific servers, Diana and Reuben, while my son suggested we adopt Mario the bartender as his honorary cousin. Of course, my policy of lap dancer singles with each drink never hurts but here again, Diana fell in love with the GDD, usually bringing her a little present each night and giving many hugs during the week. Honestly, on this trip I think the GDD did us more good than the singles.

 

I also managed to convince some of those young people that the gray hair doesn’t yet mean Alzheimer’s (yet) when I single handedly won the 70's music trivia against three teams of six. They didn’t realize that (a) I was actually there for all of it and (b) I was a musician early in life, at least until the monkey died. Take that youth of today.

 

First night is always early so by 2:00 AM it was down to quarters and there was evening and morning on the second day.

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JohnGaltny

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Enough is too much in Nassau and Coco Cay

 

I’ll shorten this review by combining days two and three by saying that, except for an hour of aimless wandering looking at bargain coupon charm bracelets and avoiding horse farts in Nassau, I didn’t get off the ship.

 

I have felt for awhile that I am done with the Caribbean. With the exception of St. Maarten, I don’t feel like I visited 8 islands. I feel like I have visited the same island 10 times. I am not a beach person and I don’t care much for stupid T-shirts and lacquered blowfish souvenirs. Of all of them, my genuine least favorite is Nassau which I find totally useless if you don’t want to spend a fortune at Atlantis doing things I can do at home for 1/10th the price. I have done model photography cruises there but this time I had no such commitments and, having seen everything I want to see, which is nothing, I elected to stay aboard with my GDD and watch her have a blast in the empty pool. All subjective of course, but I pays my money and I has my own good time.

 

In an ironic twist, we stayed in Nassau for an eon or two with “all aboard” at an astounding 11:30 PM. Other than Bermuda overnight I have never seen that. To me, it not only proves there is a God but he has a sense of humor and, for me, a middle finger.

 

Coco Cay is the same. Been there many times (we have never missed it). I saw no need to slog through the Disney Village to get sand in my private areas. Three of my friends felt the same so we had a fine old time with the quiet ship and semi-deserted Windjammer. Still there were 3 deep lines at the pool bar since a lot of those spring breakers were in no shape to tolerate a rocking tender excursion and their eyeballs would have melted into slag and rolled down their face in the bright sun. No circulating pool waiters on this day so we got our daily exercise walking back and forth to the pool bar. Another good day and our best imitation of the sea days that we love so much.

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JohnGaltny

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Mission Objective - Key West

 

Contrary to Nassau, Barbados, Antigua and any Island beginning with St., my wife and I love Key West and with the idea of St. Patrick’s day here, this was the mission objective for this trip.

 

We docked on time and here we met a new wrinkle we hadn’t seen before - an immigration inspection aboard ship. We were told it would take about an hour. The reality was somewhat different and not a lot of fun.

The plan put forth by RCI was to report to the Moonlight Dining Room by muster station number. A very careful schedule was issued directing us to be there at 10:00 AM. Fine. We can do that.

 

We arrived at our assigned time in our assigned place to find a confused mod that was due at 9:30 still waiting. I have always praised RCI crowd handling but this was a disaster worthy of Carnival. WE milled around trying to stay out of the way but the longer the delay, the more muster numbers were reporting at their assigned times behind us until the crowd reached up the stairs to 4 deck and several people trapped in the middle were in danger of compression asphyxia. I wasn’t threatened that way but I said many prayers that the two 400 pound women trapped directly in front of me hadn’t been to Mexicana last night. At one point I felt like I was in an old western and people would start yelling for a hanging soon.

 

Anyway, the line started moving at about 10:30 and clearance wasn’t a problem so off the ship we went. This was my first non-photography trip to Key West so I enjoyed the bust tour, did my Chevy Chase impression at many of the local landmarks and then moved on to observe the revelry of St. Patrick’s on Duval. I was in no way disapointed, least of all by the topless women who apparently decided to tan in areas not allowed on the ship. Of course, the face paint hid their identities so I guess that helped overcome their shyness. OR possibly it was the pub crawl they had begun 8 bars ago. Either way, we found a shady outdoor locatin and libationed our way through a pretty great afternoon before all aboard at 4:30.

 

Another tradition that was not present on this trip was the 100 yd dock dash which so amuses me on most cruises. Observing the dock from 11 deck usually results in a chuckle or two as the latecomers make the desperate run to the prow with 30 seconds or so to spare. If you’ve seen many cruise crowds, you already know how much this resembles the bison herd coming over the prairie in National Geographic specials.

 

The evening was passed in our normal manner as we said goodbye (with envelope) to Carlos and Alona, watched GDD receive more hugs and kisses than I did from 12 to 36 years old, and retired to the tender ministries of Diana and Reuben for the closure of my “at sea” office and my wife kindly keeping cruise fares low by returning the $100 or so she had won in the casino during the week.

 

and there was morning and evening on the 4th day.

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JohnGaltny

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The Final Screed of the Vanishing Banshee

 

Let me start by saying that this was a terrific time for all and none of what is outlined here made this a bad, or even mildly disappointing, cruise. I have loved Majesty the way one always have a soft spot for ones first girlfriend. Still, we have all (me, the girlfriend and the ship) gotten older and all gotten tired.

 

Majesty definitely needs the refit due next month and it was obvious that RCI is not doing anything until then.

There was a busted window in the dining room on 4 deck that was covered (expertly) with plywood. At least three of our friends had room safes that just stopped working and took some time to fix. In fact, on debarkation day I heard a desperate college kid telling the steward that he couldn’t get his safe open and couldn’t get off the ship. I don’t care about carpets and such but the millions of feet on the public areas have taken their toll.

 

At one point I was briefly stuck in one of the glass elevators when the doors decided to take lunch hour. I felt like the bass player in Spinal Tap trying to get out of the Stonehenge cocoon. If someone had put a “Do not feed or annoy” sign on the glass I would have been an exhibit.

 

Likewise, the behind the scenes cutbacks are more obvious to veteran cruisers. I already discussed the management letting a really good chef down with inferior procurement policies.

We never did get one of those breakfast room service cards but I saw one and the choice was basically cold cereal or “continental” choices. No more eggs, bacon, savories or other things my wife and I love enjoying on our balcony in the mornings. Since we didn’t have a balcony this was irrelevant to us but still.

 

We didn’t have Flushin Roulette or the Sauerkraut Cookoff odors this trip but the safe issue was a real pain for our friends and it appears RCI must have cut back on maintenance to the extent that a couple of new batteries in the lock is too much to expect.

 

While I’m at it, I should tell you that, barring unforeseen circumstances, this will be my last review for awhile.

As I said, we are done with the Caribbean and, at least in this hemisphere, the total cruise costs (fare + drinks + everything else) together with the quality declination no longer justifies exclusion of the all-inclusive land vacations option. After 15 cruises in 7 years it’s time for a break from the ships until I can afford to try one out of Barcelona, now hopefully planned for 2018. Until then I will depend on Sailor Jack, Yorkville and several others to give me the laughs and inspiration they always have.

 

That’s it for me, my time has come, the bell now tolls for me, and so, my moving pen has writ, and having writ, moves on.

 

I sincerely thank all those who have followed my demented ramblings throughout the years.

To SOPO and the others who have earned me 6 warnings and given me a ton of laughs, I remove my cap to you if we are face to face and a different item of clothing if my back is to you.

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JohnGaltny

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Thanks all you early arrivals.

 

I should also mention why this was indeed our "Kiss Goodbye" to Majesty.

 

I truly love this little ship with it's charm, crew and so few idiots to accompany us. My god, even the elevators are easy on this ship.

 

Still if you've noticed the prices after the refit, the planned enhancements do not justify the serious bump for us. The waterslides have no interest for us and I HATE those billboards above the pool. Where they are going to put 1 or 2 or 3 new restaurants means things will be taken away from the coach class crew that I am. Also, the loss of the VC to anyone not an admiral is a serious loss to me.

 

The final straw though is the new Port and itinerary. Of everything in Florida, Port Canaveral is the largest PITA for us. Also, the only port of call that interests us is Key West and that's gone.

 

So to Majesty I give the speech I heard so many times in my youth. I care about you, I may even love you but you have changed and I can't stay with you any more. But can we still be friends?

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Clarea

Clarea

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... Where they are going to put 1 or 2 or 3 new restaurants means things will be taken away from the coach class crew that I am. ...

I think they have abandoned the idea of new restaurants for MJ. At least the mention of those has disappeared from the website.

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wolfganghowell

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NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

 

What shall I do without a JGNY review? SailorJack has been MIA for awhile too.

 

Thanks as always for a splendid review - although you were a little too PC this time. We too miss Key West as a stop - wish Royal would find a way to get more ships back there.

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bobmacliberty "Live from...." Rare

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John, that was absolutely hilarious! Brilliant! Would love to read some of your other reviews if you'd be so inclined to link or bump them.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Forums mobile app

 

Links to his reviews are in his signature.

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