I am faced with a sad and difficult situation, please help.

[LolaWiz]

Sorry for the long post but....

 

My husband and i and his parents are sailing on the Zuiderdam on Dec 9th.

We are driving down from MI to FLL a few days before we depart in FLA.

 

A very close friend of my inlaws has terminal cancer and his dr. has given him 2-8 months to live. They are taking it very hard (which we all are in the family) and this brings me to my situation:

 

How would you bring up the issue of other family notifiying us/in-laws or not letting us know IF he passes while we are making our way to Florida or when we are in the caribbean?

 

Also, has this happened to anyone else? If not, what do you think you'd want to happen? Would you want to be notified while on board?

 

The only reason i am asking this is because my Father in law refuses to fly so we would not have anywhere to go while saling because he won't depart from a port if he cannot drive (meaning no good would be done until we arrived back in Ft Lauderdale.)

 

I would love to have some insight into how is a good way to handle a situation like this very sad one.

 

Thanks.

[Maryandi]

We had the same thoughts last year. Had the trip booked (Europe) then had cold feet as my Dad is elderly. We cancelled the cruise.

 

Now 2006, comes and we still want to go- I spoke to other family members and we all are ok, with us NOT being notified if there is a crisis on the family. The thinking is that whatever has happened has already has happened. Nothing can be done by us at that point.

 

Our children and sister, are all adults and wiil handle things.

 

Like your Father, I will not fly and esp. last minute-and get off the ship - who knows where. We will be on a 56 day Princendam trip from FLL to FLL so there would be no flying involved.

 

Of course, if something does happ and we learn about it when we get back, we will be sooo sad, But nothing would have changed if we were there or not.

 

Good luck, MaryAnn

[jhannah]

I would also say there is no need to report the death of a friend or acquaintance. Truly, what can you do? I would suggest your in-laws say their farewells before they leave. That way if he passes during their trip they can take comfort in knowing they said goodbye.

[LolaWiz]

Thank you so much for your kind and thoughful replies.

They mean a lot to me.

[Frick_&_Frack]

LolaWiz -

 

I'm so sorry to hear of the situation.

 

Our family has gone through this, unfortunately, several times with my grandparents (one had cancer, the other - well, she had a host of issues).

 

We decided, and made peace with *not* being notified while on the cruise of any death or "turns for the worse".

 

For our immediate family members, we have an agreement to "hold" arrangements until the members on the cruise have returned and to not say a word during our periodic "check-ins".

 

Though not the same gravity of your situation but to show how this works out, just this weekend, my parents boarded the Noordam, and I am living in their house (until mine is ready). There was no heat starting Saturday (though I only really noticed it on Sunday). I took care of everything and when they called me yesterday - didn't say a word. They would just worry for nothing. I want them to have a good trip - we'll deal with the details later. Meanwhile they are happily sailing around with huge smiles and happy times!

 

Whatever you decide (or your family decides) needs to be *right* for *you* and ONLY you. It's a hard thing to think about; however, if you are at peace - with whatever the decision, that's the only important thing.

 

I wish you, your family and their dear friend, all the very best.

[arabrab]

I would also say there is no need to report the death of a friend or acquaintance. Truly, what can you do? I would suggest your in-laws say their farewells before they leave. That way if he passes during their trip they can take comfort in knowing they said goodbye.

 

I think this is very astute and kind advice.

[babyher]

Lola,

 

Very sorry to hear of your family friend.

 

I also agree with the others. No point in telling him while you are away. As you said because FIL will not fly there would be nothing you could do even if you were called.

 

Just MHO because I have never been big on funerals, and wakes and memorial services. But the best thing you can do is enjoy your friend and be there for him and his family while he is still here. If he should pass while you are away. Do eberything you would do to comfort his family as you normally would when you get back.

 

Just because you weren't able to go to a funeral home or church or cemetary on a given day, does not take away from the love and special relationship you have for this man.

 

I hope that all works out . My prayers are with the family at this sad time.

[Tinknock50]

I would also say there is no need to report the death of a friend or acquaintance. Truly, what can you do? I would suggest your in-laws say their farewells before they leave. That way if he passes during their trip they can take comfort in knowing they said goodbye.

 

I agree......excellent advice.

If it is someone very close to you, say I love you and give them a big hug.

 

This will really help you when the sad event does come and you will be happy you said it while you could.

 

Decided to edit my post slightly, I think I would still like to know what happenned. I think wondering how they were and not knowing would be more disruptive to my cruise.

[dakrewser]

I'd rather hear while I'm on the cruise, even if there was no way for me to get back.

 

While there would be some feeling of helplessness, it would give me the opportunity to focus my thoughts, remember my friend (or family member) and, quietly, wish them good bye.

 

I'd also be better prepared to console with those left behind when I returned, rather than finding out all of the bad news (deaths, heater failures, etc.) at one time.

 

THis wouldn't be everyone's choice, of course, but it is the one I'd prefer for me.

[happy cruzer]

I agree that I would not want to be notified while traveling.

 

Any services or memorials are for the living. If you are extremely close to the surviving family it might be different, but in most cases there will be no real need for you to know. When older people have long illnesses there is always sadness that you might not be there at the end, so visit them now and let go of the thought that you can be there at the end. I know many cases of where a family member living close by was not able to be there at the end, so there are no guarantees no matter how hard you sacrifice to be there.

[jtl513]

I'd rather hear while I'm on the cruise, even if there was no way for me to get back.

 

I agree. I would rather not spend an entire cruise wondering if I'm going to get back in time or not, only to find out later that the sad event had happened a week or two before. Also, you may have an opportunity to send a condolence note/card/email to the family in that case.

 

On the other hand, I'd rather not hear about an unexpected death where I hadn't had a chance to say goodbye before leaving.

[Krazy Kruizers]

Sorry to hear about this situation. We would want to know if something happened at home. Neighbors have our e-mail address plus the ship's telephone number.

 

Many, many years ago we got a call when DH's father died while we were at sea - next to last day of cruise. Nothing we could do. Left travel plans in place as we could not fly home from the ship and we knew that we already had the earliest flight out of Ft Lauderdale.

 

Hopefully the other family will understand if something happens while you are all away knowing that your father-in-law won;t fly if you all can't make it home in time for the funeral.

 

[kakalina]

I empathize with you so much. My father had been ill for a while and we advised our family that as we could do nothing (DH does not fly) it wouldn't do any good to call and in effect ruin our cruise. My father recently passed away and it was between cruises but I would still feel the same way about being notified.

[twinkletoes4445]

A friend of mine gave her mom and dad a cruise for their anniversary. The day their cruise sailed, a very close friend of the mom and dad passed away. My friend did not tell her parents until they returned. She worried about this decision, but in the end, it was the right thing (for her family).

[Sunshine91]

Lola - I'm so sorry about your sad situation. For everyone's sake, I hope your family friend makes it thru the holidays.

I've got a few of them for you.

Back in 1989 my Nana unexpectedly died 2 days before I was to leave for London. She was my TA - she was elderly but in good health. She only worked 1 or 2 days a week by then & my trip was one of her last ones. I still went. She would have spun in her grave, hissing like a wet cat if I hadn't. No regrets.

In 1997, John was given our very first Noordam cruise as an incentive from work. Paul owned the small HVAC company that sold enough equipment to qualify for the trip & that year decided to give to John. That week, while running errands, Paul pulled over to the side of the road & died of a heart attack. He was 55 & had experienced no previous symptoms. We were cruising with a number of other HVAC contractors & are convinced that some called home when we got to Cozumel & were told about Paul, who was very well known in that community. We're also certain that all were told NOT to tell us. Looking back everyone around us had a "funny" look that night. We didn't find out until we got home & agreed it was the right way to handle that sudden tragedy.

My folks took their first cruise last year with their very good friends Jane & Tony (a 2-week trans-atlantic). By the time they got to Portugal, Jane was notified that her twin's daughter or son-in-law (don't remember) had died suddenly. This resulted in Jane's adult daughters constantly calling the ship, Jane calling Texas, and so on and so on...... Jane didn't go home early but it certainly did put a black cloud around everyone else for the second week. Mom said the phone bills were enormous.

This past summer my parents went to Ireland for 2 weeks. Basically incommunicado, although I could e-mail or fax the B&Bs on their itinerary should the need arise. I have an elderly uncle in assisted living - he is my dad's responsibility. My folks have made all arrangements should the worst happen when they are gone & I'm the contact point. The funeral home is to "hold" my uncle until the folks return.

Lola - all this is probably way more than you wanted to know. John & I are sitting here talking about it. At first blush - No, don't want to know, because we can't do anything about it. But then asked, what if it were Jessi, our 20-year old daughter? Yeah, we'd want to know. Parents, yes. Anyone else who died suddenly, probably, not. If it were expected, yes, send a fax or call the ship. We won't buy ship internet time but will check-in at a cafe in port so it's erratic for us. We could still make a condolence call from land or send an e-mail.

Heat not working, no (sorry Frick&Frack, just doesn't qualify as an emergency).

[Lipton]

Gosh that is sad ! So sorry about your friend!

 

In the past when this has come up for us. We did want to be notified.

I travel often for work and I was away when my MIL passed . My wife was with her family and they all pitched in with making arrangements. My flight was set for the next day so I offered to come home that moment to help out but she insisted there was nothing I could do as it was a 6 hour flight home. I was glad we could talk on the phone and I could offer to come home. I also helped write the Obit. and ordered flowers from the family online. The funeral was not going to be for 5 days after due to the fact my niece was flying home from Spain and her parents did not tell her until after they picked her up from the airport that her grandma had passed and she had to get dressed for the wake ... The poor girl was in shock.

 

The stress of not knowing would keep me thinking of it.

Finding out would not ruin my trip ..my mood would change in reflection, but being on the ocean always feels healing to me.

I have been called odd more than once so my brain my not be normal !

 

If your FIL does not fly you are correct there is not a whole lot you can do. I would leave it up to your in laws if they want to be notified or not.

People are all so different....

 

Big hug to you and your family ...

 

Best,

 

Mitch

[mechcc]

I would want to know. While in the Army and being stationed in Germany, my Grandma and a treasured aunt died. My mother made the decision that I shouldn't be notified because I couldn't come home. In both cases I was told 3 weeks later in a regular monthly phone call. I resented not being told as I could not grieve with other loved ones and I was left out of the family at an important time. Yes I would want to know. Depending on who it was and the circumstances we would make the decision to interupt our cruise, ask to have arrangements delayed or continue on with the cruise and look to the restorativeness and comfort of the ocean. But it would be our choice.

 

We are not all alike and this is way to personal for a one size fits all answer. Talk to your in laws and find out what they want.

[RSGS315]

My husband and I were on a cruise from New Zealand to Australia, when we ecountered a cyclone that stranded us in the Tasman Sea for 4 1/2 days.

 

My only brother, who was only 70, died suddenly, and his daughter tried to call us. I live in the USA, but my brother and family lived in Germany, where I grew up. She contacted one of our sons when she couldn't reach me, and he called us onboard the ship.

 

I immediately called my sister in law and made it clear that we had no way of getting off the ship under the circumstances. The funeral took place without me, and I flew to Germany upon our return.

 

I was glad that our son contacted me, as I was able to talk to my brother's wife and children to comfort them. They told me that he didn't suffer, as he "died in his sleep" with his wife by his side, unaware that he had passed on. That was a great comfort to me.

 

Just wanted to share that with you,

Ginnie

[Sea King]

horrible situation to face but one unfortunately you will have to confront

 

agree with those who commented you should try to see each other before you board

 

although it will be impossible to come back once you leave because of the issue regarding flying, you can certainly stay in touch with your friends by either e-mail or by calling from your cabin just so you can hear a voice and let your friends you're there and care

 

unfortunately there's nothing more you can do

 

May God bless your friend and give you strength in this most difficult time

[LolaWiz]

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for sharing personal experiences with me and for giving sound, heartfelt advice.

 

Hopefully I will not have to worry about it, but thank you for your help and kind words.

[Randyk47]

I think there's been some very thoughtful counsel and advice given here. In 2005 we cruised 4 weeks after my wife's father passed suddenly. While we tried to have, and indeed did have, a good time there was a "wet blanket" on the whole cruise. Unfortunately 6 weeks after the cruise my wife lost her mother, also unexpectedly. We now call our 2005 cruise the "Lost Cruise" as the wonderful memories we typically take away from a cruise were lost in the tragic circumstances of my wife losing both parents in an 83 day period. Maybe it's just our age or circumstances but right now we have at least 6 people, friends or co-workers, who have parents and spouses close to passing. It's a constant reminder for my wife of last year which brings those feelings back to the surface but, at the same time, reminds us that nobody knows how long they have. Since we have virtually no earthly family left we can, without any great reservation, go on our vacations now without fear that we'll come home to that kind of news but our friends and co-workers are on our minds. Given the choice, since it's not immediate family, we'd rather wait until we get home to find out.

[sirarthur]

There is no right or wrong solution to this sad situation. It varies with each person and with the particular circumstances. In December I will be taking a short 7 day cruise. Both my mother and dear aunt are in Hospice care (my aunt has been for 9 months and is stable). My wife is a hospice nurse. We plan to go but would definitely want to be notified not only of a death but any severe turn in their condition. Even though we would not be able to return immediately .... it would be important to us to be advised so that we could share our grief and be comforted and give comfort to our close family. For us, the richness of life include not only experiencing the joys in life (travelling etc) but also confronting these sad events.

[shonuf]

Boy, does this topic hit close to home. I am currently in La. where I buried my father two days ago. I am an only child and I have one son and my parents were the only grandparents he ever really knew.

 

He is a commercial balloon pilot and Albuquerque Balloon Fiesta starts the first Sat. in October. He had hundreds of people booked to go for rides with him during Fiesta and no one to take his place. My father had end stage renal failure and was placed in hospice care about three weeks ago. My son and I had an agreement that if my father passed away, I wouldn't tell him until Fiesta was over. I told him to call me only on my cell phone so he wouldn't necessarily know where I was and I gave him only the positive updates.

 

On Sunday, the 15th, my son called as soon as his last flight was over and said, "OK, Fiesta is over, tell me anything you need to." I told him his grandfather was going to die that afternoon. I went in and told my dad who was barely still with us that Brooke was through with Fiesta and though I got no response, he died within 2 hours. I truely believe that he held on until he knew his only grandchild could come for the funeral.

 

My mother is 88 and may or may not live much longer; she says she's ready to go but I think she's in better health than I am. If I should be notified of her passing while on a cruise, I'll ask them to hold her for my return (we're all the family she has left). She loves cruising as much as I do and wouldn't want me to leave one early.

[newmexicoNita]

I think there's been some very thoughtful counsel and advice given here. In 2005 we cruised 4 weeks after my wife's father passed suddenly. While we tried to have, and indeed did have, a good time there was a "wet blanket" on the whole cruise. Unfortunately 6 weeks after the cruise my wife lost her mother, also unexpectedly. We now call our 2005 cruise the "Lost Cruise" as the wonderful memories we typically take away from a cruise were lost in the tragic circumstances of my wife losing both parents in an 83 day period. Maybe it's just our age or circumstances but right now we have at least 6 people, friends or co-workers, who have parents and spouses close to passing. It's a constant reminder for my wife of last year which brings those feelings back to the surface but, at the same time, reminds us that nobody knows how long they have. Since we have virtually no earthly family left we can, without any great reservation, go on our vacations now without fear that we'll come home to that kind of news but our friends and co-workers are on our minds. Given the choice, since it's not immediate family, we'd rather wait until we get home to find out.

I agree with you. I don't think much can be gained by receiving the tragic news while sailing. Let's hope the OP doesn't have to make the choice. As for loosing so many and having friends in the very autumn of their lives, it probably is your age. The worst for us (10 years older than you) was 2004. We lost 7 really good friends and I mean friends like people who were in our wedding 46 years before etc. It was devistating. I have a good friend (10 years older) that I play bridge with. She assured me, when in your late 60s this happens and then things seem to calm down a bit. Sure enough last year and this year have been much better.

 

I guess we all have to remember death is the final chapter of the book and most of us do not want to read the final chapter for ourselves, our loved ones or our truely special friends.

 

Nita

[ANSalberg]

This whole thread has been addressed so thoughtfully and kindly, but if I can -can I add something? Hopefully a bit of time-administered wisdom?

In the early 1990s DH's mother was very ill after a number of brushes with cancer. We loved THEM [his Dad] a lot -but both our lives and theirs were complicated with very stressful jobs and the younger generations producing our grandchildren -you get the pattern. We all lived within 45 minutes of each other. We had a cruise scheduled- a MUCH needed vacation -and MIL had a broken hip and was hospitalized for more than 2 weeks. After guilt/decisions etc etc -agonizingly so - we decided to go and went with a clear conscience -planning to come back revived [but the guilt was still there] She did well in the hospital and returned home for another over a year - in which I worked full time and cooked for them [ different diets each PLUS ours]

Now 16 years later I look back on the decisions we made then as FAIRLY as I can, and I can honestly say that NOTHING we did injured either of them in any way and they were both "safe" -but I also look back on the stress WE lived under objectively as I can and I wonder that we survived at all, there was SO MUCH focus on the end of life there. My daughters were ALWAYS there for their grandparents -but my biggest memory is of our youngest daughter having her second child and hauling both children down to see my MIL -and my MIL being somewhat put out that they didn't stay for long [???] The focus - instead of being on the beautiful new life -was on my MIL who by nature of BEING where she was -and was terribly demanding AS HER FOCUS TURNED INWARD. That isn't WRONG -it just WAS!

In making decisions about death/dying -or even aging - [ and I'm there now myself] we MUST temper those decisions with the tollerance of what needs are there for EVERYONE! And just not make judgements. Each does certain things for many reasons. I was crushed when someone remarked that we "should have stayed home" this was a family member -extended- who chose to do nothing BUT judge. Looking back I can see that we did the right thing for everyone within "our" family to survive those years [ not just the week we were gone] but deciding to do whatever we did was NEVER "easy". Sometimes "Life" decisions AREn'T easy -until time helps!

Anne