“So a Penguin, a Horse and Polar Bear walk into a bar on the Edge...

[C-Dragons]

A husband and wife were having a discussion one afternoon.

Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"

"Well, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?"

Wife: "Just curious. Would you remarry?"

Husband: "No, of couse not, dear."

Wife (looking vaguely hurt): "Don't you like being married?"

Husband: "Of course I do!”

Wife:  "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

Husband: "Alright, I guess, after an approbriate time, I'd remarry."

Wife (after a long pause): "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

Husband: "Well yes, I suppose I would."

Wife (icily): "Really? And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"

Man: "I think, I would keep both pictures."

Woman (indignantly): "I see. And would you let her wear my old clothes?

Husband: "I suppose, if she wanted to."

Wife (leaping to her feet): "Is that so? And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too!”

Husband: "Of course not, dear. She's left-handed!”

Woman: "??????!!!?!!!!!"

[alibaba1]

[goofysmom99]

[tallyho8]

 

A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock at the front door.

He opens it to find two sheriff’s deputies there.

He asks if there is a problem.

One of the deputies asks if he is married.

The man replies, “Yes, I am.”

The deputy then asks if he could see a picture of the man’s wife.

The guy says, “Sure,” and gets a photo to show them.

The deputy says, “I’m sorry, sir, but it looks like your wife’s been hit by a truck.”

The guy replies, “I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook."

[K.T.B.]

[tallyho8]

The Banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty year old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'Mail Order Bride.'

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom 'How Old' the new bride to be was. Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty one in November."

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty year old man. Wanting his old friends remaining years to be happy, the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take it's course. Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. "How's the new wife??" asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand."

Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too."

[alibaba1]

[C-Dragons]

[K.T.B.]

[alibaba1]

[tallyho8]

An old country preacher.....had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects. 1. A Bible..... 2. A silver dollar..... 3. A bottle of whiskey..... 4. And a Playboy magazine.....

'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself. 'When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine, he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer.' The old man waited anxiously and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room, he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold. 'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered. 'He's gonna run for Congress!'

[TeaBag]

On 5/24/2021 at 11:28 AM, goofysmom99 said:

Oh please, our next flight is to Tokyo and I have the worst luck in getting  a seat in front of a thumper.  It doesn't have to be a child either.  Thanks for the joke.

[taxatty]

A new Celebrity activity--diving off the top deck of a cruise ship.

 

[C-Dragons]

4 minutes ago, taxatty said:

A new Celebrity activity--diving off the top deck of a cruise ship.

 

Apparently one man's cruise ship is another man's dinghy.

[Denny01]

1 hour ago, taxatty said:

A new Celebrity activity--diving off the top deck of a cruise ship.

 

This is why I Always book a Balcony SR!

 

Den

[ShmuelCharlie]

On 3/14/2020 at 9:38 PM, C-Dragons said:

Bumping this up... 

I'm sure many could use a chuckle right now.

Anyone else want to step up to the “mike” ? 😊

“So a Penguin, a Horse and Polar Bear walk into a bar on the Edge..."

Then they all get roped-in to join the performers doing the immersive Cirque d'Soleil dinner show. However, the polar bear will have eaten the penguin and the horse will be laughing aloud at the spectacle only to be eaten later. By that time, everybody will have left the lounge in sheer fright except for the polar bear--who is revealed to be Liddle Donny Trump in a costume. 

[centurycruiser]

Talk about bears in bars!

[tallyho8]

The king wanted to go fishing, and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours. The meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain. So the king and the queen went fishing. On the way he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge rain storm."

The king replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."
So the king continued on his way. However, in a short time a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked. Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the meteorologist. Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster.

The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that... it will rain."
So the king hired the donkey. And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government. The practice is unbroken to this date.

[lyndarra]

On 5/27/2021 at 6:48 AM, taxatty said:

A new Celebrity activity--diving off the top deck of a cruise ship.

 

Or.... They've just found out someone on board has tested positive and they had forged their vax docs.

[tallyho8]

A student asked, "What gender is 'Computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher divided the class into two groups,
Male and Female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "Computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.


The men's group decided that "Computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck to buy accessories for it.


The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computador"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have got a better model.

[K.T.B.]

29 minutes ago, tallyho8 said:

A student asked, "What gender is 'Computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher divided the class into two groups,
Male and Female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "Computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.


The men's group decided that "Computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck to buy accessories for it.


The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computador"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have got a better model.

 

#3 & #4 in the women's group can also be applied to the men's group quite easily.  

 

Sooooo....  Computers are definitely female.  

[ilikeanswers]

1 hour ago, tallyho8 said:

A student asked, "What gender is 'Computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher divided the class into two groups,
Male and Female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "Computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.


The men's group decided that "Computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck to buy accessories for it.


The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computador"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have got a better model.

 

Computers are definitely female😜:

History of Human Computers

[K.T.B.]

[tallyho8]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town.

He’s going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says:

“I’ve heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes!

What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person’s physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?

It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person … because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large … all in the name of humor.”

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, but the blonde stops him. “You stay out of this Mister, I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”

[K.T.B.]